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#155. The Substandard on Green Book, Italian Accents, and Vic's Picks
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Dudes Chatting — Green Book and Vic's year-in-review: The cold open covers Vic's gout flare-up and his spa day in Scottsdale (where he discovered colleague Mike Warren was already in the same massage suite). Gene delivers an Italian-inflected cameo riff during the Green Book discussion. Sonny reviews Green Book as a "definitionally Oscar bait" movie about a sub-Sopranos Italian stereotype (the real-life Tony Lip, played by Viggo Mortensen) driving a gay Black pianist through the Jim Crow South — competently made, funny, touching the right notes, and utterly without depth. He's particularly annoyed that it's being positioned as a prestige film rather than counter-programming. Vic loved it, calling it one of the best movies he's seen all year — like "Planes, Trains and Automobiles meets Driving Miss Daisy" set in 1962 — and praising Linda Cardellini and the Chopin juke-joint scene. JVL didn't see it but needles Sonny about how his distaste is partly driven by the Oscar buzz around the movie rather than the movie itself. The conversation widens into an Oscar-draft check-in (Sonny bets he'll get more points than both others combined), the Viggo Mortensen n-word incident, and Paul Schrader's ill-timed Kevin Spacey advocacy. The episode's most charming segment is Sonny running through the Substandard archives so Vic can retroactively rate every film the show covered this year — a gold-fish-memory exercise that reveals Vic has liked almost everything except Annihilation, The Predator, and Widows.
Reviews: Green Book (Sonny and Vic, both having seen it) — Sonny gives it a qualified thumbs-down as shallow Oscar bait; Vic gives it an enthusiastic A+ as the common man's cinema score.
Box Office: Ralph Breaks the Internet held at number one with $26 million; The Grinch second with $17 million; Creed II third with $17 million; Bohemian Rhapsody still hanging on in fifth place with $8 million.
Full transcript
Guest00:00:00I hope he's just leaving, but I'm afraid we're going to hear more from Punk. John Cena's speared. John Cena, while you lay there, hopefully as uncomfortable as you possibly can be, I want you to listen to me. I want you to digest this, because before I leave in three weeks with your WWE championship, I have a lot of things I want to get off my chest.
Vic00:00:40Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Substandard, sponsored by ExpressVPN and Mrs. Fields. I'm Victor Matus along with Sonny Bunch and Jonathan V. Last, I'd like to remind you The Substandard is available, for now, on iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher. Just look at our podcast and search for Substandard, you'll easily find us. Please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a review. Gentlemen, how are we?
Sonny00:01:15Sonny? I'm fine. Nothing's new in my world. JVL, good to see you.
JVL00:01:23Hey, boys. What's going on? Nothing. Everything's great. Oh, okay. Everything's great. I'm gonna go grab some drink while you guys tape a great show about a very problematic movie. Ooh. Very problematic. How are you, Victorino?
Vic00:01:38How was your weekend? Did you do woodshop? Oh, at Scotts... Did you do any woodshop?
JVL00:01:42No, I was in Scottsdale, Arizona. Oh, with the college girls.
Vic00:01:44No, I'm sorry, at the college. No, no, no, the Collegiate Network. The Collegiate Network. The Collegiate Network. Collegiate Network. It was a wonderful trip, despite my gout eruption that happened on Friday.
Sonny00:01:53This is actually a true story. We're here in the office, and we're basically alone, because nobody bothers coming in. Nobody's coming in to offices, apparently, anymore. And I'm like, "Vick, do you wanna go get-" I'll come to your office. "You wanna go get some lunch?" And he's like, "Yeah, sure." And we're walking there, and he's literally limping like an old man. He's like shuffling and coming down. I don't know if you can hear this, but this is what it sounded like walking with him.
Vic00:02:20I'm like the walking version. Have you ever seen Adrian Peterson run? They say it's like he runs like a horse with the shoulders like this. That's kinda like me, but it's actually karma. It's actually karma because the way I was walking with this sort of, like when you're off balance, you have this little tilt in your shoulders. When I was in Vienna, I would be waiting in line at the Vienna Opera House, and there was an usher who had one arm. And so, because of that imbalance, he would be walking with this tilt, and he'd walk by and I'd hum the Pink Panther theme, because he had the, well, now it's happening to me. That's what happens. Wow. That's what happens. What a bad person. Terrible. I went to confession. What caused it?
JVL00:03:00What happens when there is an eruption of gout, does your foot explode?
Vic00:03:09It looks like it, but no. Does it swell? It hardens. Well, yes. The knuckle below the big toe, the metatarsal phalanges, gets hard and red.
JVL00:03:21Didn't even go to medical school, but he did go to Georgetown. Notice, everything always works out for the guy who goes to Georgetown.
Vic00:03:28Oh, what do you mean? And it just, the uric acid crystals, it crystallizes. So it hardens.
JVL00:03:35So it becomes hard? So if I were to, if you were to pull your, is it still going right now? No, no. I'm better now. I'm better now. So if like you touch it, does it feel like hard wood or something?
Vic00:03:44A little bit. A little, a little bit, a hard, like, you know, no, not that hard. Just like a rock. And but like, it's like a, and it's like a bump on the foot. Can you bend it? I would say two nights ago. Barely. Under extreme pain. And under the bed sheet, it's even worse. It's just one place. Just one place. In the toe. It just happens to go right, in the right toe. Never the left. Always in the right. Unclear what caused, I have my theories. Question. Yes, JVL.
JVL00:04:14If you were to amputate your right big toe. What would happen to it? Would you ever have gout again?
Vic00:04:19No, it would find a different place, like the back of my heel. That happened a couple times.
JVL00:04:24Are you sure? Because it might be worth it to just chop that thing right off.
Vic00:04:27Maybe it could have a little drainage and just come out there, a couple rocks every now and then. A little drainage shunt. They used to say that, you know, it would get so hard in the olden days when they didn't know how to cure it that you could take the rocks out of your foot and use it as chalk. Question. Yeah.
JVL00:04:41It's calc. Calc.
Vic00:04:43How does one cure gout? I went on the internets wondering, you know, because if you go on the internets, you expect to find, you know, the worst thing.
JVL00:04:50Just drink a cup of olive oil and then lie on your side for six hours.
Sonny00:04:55Olive oil with a dash of Tabasco. You'll find folk remedies and gout porn.
Vic00:04:59Gout porn. Right. No. So I'm expecting, you know, they'll usually, you know, usually if you have any ailment or pain, you type it in and the answer is going to be cancer and death. But in fact, for gout, the only thing, I mean, even on the internets, it said strictly self-care. You take your NSAIDs, your NSAIDs, right, your Aleve, Colchicine, I just take Aleve. Stay very hydrated because you got to pass out, pass that out of your system, the uric acid. So the uric acid is very high. Elevate your foot and avoid gouty foods, which is basically everything, even healthy stuff, beans, oatmeal. It's pretty much terrible. But eventually it went away on its own. In fact, I had a martini yesterday while I had the gout and it was cured. So beer, beer is very bad. Stay away from beer. But that's easy for me. I'm not a beer guy. Question. Yes, sir.
JVL00:05:50How long does the gout erupt for? How long does it last? Yes. When you have an eruption of gout.
Vic00:05:56Oh, normally, normally I'm pretty good about the twinge, you know, like, oh, I feel it coming. Start to drink my water with lemon in it. And this time I thought it was a running injury, so I just didn't treat it. And then and so this one lasted for about four days. On and off. I ran with the gout, though, when I was in Scottsdale trying to be healthy. And not only did I do that without really telling anybody, I decided to do a spa day.
JVL00:06:23Oh, I went to the spa.
Vic00:06:25I requested a. Massage, a it's a Swedish massage, but I said, you know, and the lady brings me in and she says, OK, here's a nice little sanctuary. It's quiet. We don't. There's not many people there. And you can just enjoy, you know, wear the cloth robe, you know, and the whole thing. I walk in and they have that new age music, which is semi porno, but it's like sort of slower paced. And there's a browser.
JVL00:06:49It's not.
Vic00:06:50No, no, no, no, no. And I don't know what that music is. And I walk in. There's one person there I look in and it's Mike Warren.
Sonny00:06:56In the white robe. You guys were having a couple's massage.
Vic00:06:59I said to him, you know, first of all, I laughed and I turned to the attendant. I go, I thought I was going to be alone. And then secondly, I said to Mike, you know, you could actually save money on the couple's massage. Oh, you just have to have your fingers entwined.
JVL00:07:11That's all your fingers.
Vic00:07:12Yes.
JVL00:07:13Your finger.
Vic00:07:14Did I say fingers? And so we go in. We go in. And no, we don't go in. So he goes in first. And I'm waiting for my masseuse, a lovely lady. Clark. That would have been fine, too. Jerome. That would have been fine, too. It's, you know, it's been a while. So no. So he is. Only when you're at sea. Oh, you know, it doesn't count. So it's Scottsdale. There's no rules. You know, dirty, dirty Scott. Either at sea or in the desert.
JVL00:07:39Yeah. Right.
Vic00:07:41Both of those things are out of bounds. Out of bounds. And so Mike goes in. But it turns out his masseuse is mine. So I'm waiting there. He's getting his thing for 30 minutes. I'm hearing all sorts of moaning, you know, and not really getting it.
Sonny00:07:53He's getting his thing for 30 minutes.
Vic00:07:54Yeah. He's getting his thing for 30 minutes and then he and then he comes out. He looks very relaxed. He looks very relaxed and sleepy. He did a head and neck massage. And then it turns out that then then I have the same woman next to I got his sloppy seconds for the massage and that like the table was still warm. You know, it was anyway, that was that. That was my experience. But question.
JVL00:08:19Yes. Yes. Yes. Did you ask your masseuse to massage your gout?
Vic00:08:23She did.
JVL00:08:24She did. She did.
Vic00:08:25I said, I guess I mean, all sorts of jokes, but I'm not. And my wife told me kidding.
JVL00:08:32My wife told me, you're not. I'm kidding.
Vic00:08:34I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I actually ran out of the room. I said, What happened? She said it. She ran out of the room. What happened? You know, I said, I'm like, never mind. I'm not even going to go there. So it was very relaxing. And it was great.
JVL00:08:49A very happy ending to your massage.
?00:08:52What?
Guest00:08:53Relax.
Sonny00:08:55It's funny. I was I bought somebody a gift card for a spa package, you know, one time. And when I was looking on the site trying to figure out what exactly I want to get, there was there was a whole subsection on this website dedicated to asking people not to make jokes about sexual release during the massage because they were like, you know, we we're we're professionals. We don't we don't find this very funny. We find it all very insulting.
Vic00:09:22It could be assault.
Sonny00:09:24It was like, wow, I guess I guess Vic can't go to this place. No, I was never going to happen.
Vic00:09:29They say to, you know, dress to your comfort level, you know, undress to your comfort level. So I kept my boxes on. And so did Mike. Not that I saw that, but he told me about that later. And she said, but there are some amazing ones, the lady said, where if you don't have and it's a full leg where they she puts her forearm beginning on the side under your arm and pushes all the way down the side of your body, down to your leg, down to your feet. And it's amazing. And then she said. And then she said, roll over. And then suddenly it was a wonderful massage. Anyway, I was saying it was very nice. The the the the menu you were pointing this out, Sonny, the menu, I had all sorts of questions for her. But, you know, you know, yeah, I did. But the menu had all sorts of different options, you know, so chocolate massage. I know. I mean, that's ridiculous. So there they have the stuff they have stone. They have hot stone. The aromatherapy is hot stone. There's Swedish massage reflexology. There's one called teen facial. But I think I think that's just for teens. The really. Yeah. No, I'm not kidding. What? I don't know why he's laughing.
Sonny00:10:31It said it right there. I'll show you. I'll show you. I have the brochure.
JVL00:10:35I don't want to see anything if you're young. I don't want to see anything that you have. You're going to show us pictures from your mom. I don't want to see it. Yes.
Vic00:10:40No, it says, you know, it's in that bag or on your phone. No, no, no. I don't know. I left the brochure in my office. It says teen facial. But go ahead and do it on Google Image. Just type in teen facial. Yeah. Okay.
JVL00:10:51Yeah. Do you want a massage?
Vic00:10:53No, no. I said, oh, it feels like you're stepping on me.
Sonny00:10:56People are really going to miss this show when it's gone. Why would it be gone? Okay. I'm glad that you mentioned the gout. If we can bring it back to the non-double entendre laced portion of your recap. Sure. Whatever. Yeah. I saw The Favorite last week. Oh. Which is the story about the 18th century Queen Anne.
JVL00:11:19Vic is very interested in that movie.
Sonny00:11:21And it is... It's very sapphic.
Vic00:11:23Yes, it is.
JVL00:11:24The sapphic arts.
Sonny00:11:25As I say.
JVL00:11:26But the queen, Queen Anne, suffers from gout.
Sonny00:11:29Of course she does. And I was like, this is... One of the scenes involves Emma Stone coming in, oiling her wounds, basically.
JVL00:11:37I thought gout was almost exclusively a male affliction. Apparently not. Yeah.
Sonny00:11:43Ben Franklin, Samuel Johnson, me. Who knows how accurate this movie is. Sure. I'm just saying. It was just amusing to see this ancient ailment. An ailment that really only afflicted kings and queens and the sons of doctors. And I myself live with a friend who has gout. It's really something else. Now you know one.
JVL00:12:04Can we get a ribbon?
Sonny00:12:05Is there a gout ribbon?
JVL00:12:06A gout ribbon like I earned this? Awareness. Oh, gout awareness. Yes.
Sonny00:12:10Gout awareness. What would the gout awareness ribbon be?
Vic00:12:12What about a wristband? A gout wristband? A metal alert? Yeah. Like Lance Armstrong? A metal alert? No. I need that too.
?00:12:20I need that too.
Vic00:12:20I need that too. Like a Lance Armstrong thing?
Sonny00:12:23Question. I was thinking about, yes, Sonny. Is there a service that provides rascals on demand for people with gout when you have an eruption? It's like an Uber, but for gout.
Vic00:12:32I think anybody, like in Disney World, I don't think there's any real qualification to get on those rascals. You just have to look like you need one, I think. I just have to show off my foot. Okay. So, foot was feeling better until I got on the plane back. Going up, we're descending. You know, ascending. So, the part where we're leaving Phoenix, and it's the part where everybody basically goes to sleep because of the forest, so everyone just closes their eyes at the same time. JVL, you're gonna hate this story. All of a sudden, I'm relaxing, a flight attendant, I shall say, running down the aisle, and then--
JVL00:13:06As you're in an incline? Yeah. Wow, so it's like running downhill.
Vic00:13:09Yeah. And then another one running in the other direction. And then a third flight attendant, that's all the three now, running. You're not supposed to-- if you're a flight attendant, you're generally not supposed to run in a plane because it could cause a panic. And so everyone starts like, "What's going on?" So I woke up, and it's that horrible forced wake up feeling, you know, because it's just so abrupt.
Sonny00:13:32Of course you can sleep on airplanes. Of course you can.
Vic00:13:34I can. So, yes, of course. And so, at least for these moments. And then I see one of the flight attendants reach in the overhead bin, taking out an oxygen tank.
JVL00:13:42Sorry, I'm gonna crack open another one.
Vic00:13:47Yeah, please. Yeah. And so I look in the back, and sure enough, medical emergency. And then they put, you know, and on the speakers, the PA, the system, they say, "Is there a medical professional on board?"
JVL00:13:58Did you say, "I went to Georgetown"? No.
Vic00:14:02A woman next to me goes, "Are you a doctor?" I said, "No, my dad is." And so, and she said, "So is mine." And so like, "Oh, what are you gonna do?" The woman apparently. Plane of disappointments. Yes. And so while this is, ooh, Sonny! So while we're... While this is happening, sure enough, the plane then takes banks. You know what's happening. We're going back to Phoenix. But the plane is too fuel heavy, they said, so they can't immediately land. They gotta go in a circle, burn up some fuel, and land, because a woman apparently was exhibiting signs of stroke. So, plane lands. They bring in the men.
JVL00:14:39This is taking forever. Talk about a stroke. Talk of... Be Bohemian Rhapsody holding in seventh place! Oh, no. It's somewhere down there.
Vic00:14:45Okay. Sorry. Really, we're getting there. Believe me, we're getting there. Did I just steal your transition? Almost.
JVL00:14:50Almost. Almost.
Vic00:14:52Okay. So, it's related. Please, please, please.
JVL00:14:55Let the woman live.
Vic00:14:56I will feel terrible if the end of the story is, "And she died." Well, I'm expecting, because I feel bad, so I said, "You know what's funny, old lady, she might die." So, plane lands, paramedics come on board. After all this tussle, it's like an hour or whatever, so, you know, we're just sitting there. So, again, for my foot, this is terrible. The woman walks off the plane on her own. I'm sorry she's having a stroke, but I have gout! I have gout. Don't you understand? The woman walks off on her own. And I go, "Oh, I'm sorry, I feel better." And she looked bad, but she looked like she was in her 20s. So, I happen to know a guy sitting further back on the plane, so I texted him. Is it Mike Warren? No, it's Jonathan Brunitsky. So, I just said, "What, you're back there. What happened?" He said, "Yeah, the woman who showed signs of stroke. She told the paramedics, 'Oh, I'm hypoglycemic, and I didn't have breakfast or lunch, and I had a lot to drink last night.'"
Sonny00:15:43Oh, my God. That woman should be in jail. This is what I'm saying, Sonny. Women are terrible. That woman should be in prison.
Vic00:15:50There's 193 people on this plane, I asked the flight attendant. She couldn't eat a bag of peanuts?
Sonny00:15:55Yeah, how about flight attendant, give me some orange juice. It was too much trouble for her. She couldn't pay for the $10 tapas box?
Vic00:16:02And I was feeling awful. I'm thinking, you know, some poor old lady is on her way to maybe see family, and then she has a stroke, and then suddenly she dies, and it's game over. Speaking of game over, over the weekend, Ralph breaks the internet. Oh, okay.
JVL00:16:18I see that. Top spot.
Vic00:16:20Okay. At the box office. That works. These final transitions are going to be quite poignant. With $26 million, followed by Dr. Seuss' The Grinch with $17 million, and Creed II in third place, also with $17 million, Crimes of Grindelwald lingered in fourth place with $11 million, and you know what comes next, don't you? Bohemian Rhapsody with $8 million. As Robert Little said, he thinks viewers are beginning to turn their backs on the movie. Okay. Box office thoughts, Sonny. Shunning or presenting? No comment. Your thoughts, Sonny. Ralph Breaks the Internet. People like it. And people, obviously, The Grinch was the smart move for Benedict Cumberbatch, and Christmas isn't even here yet.
Sonny00:17:13I'm trying to think, do I have any thoughts about the box offices? I really don't. I didn't see either the Grinch movie or the Ralph Breaks the Internet.
Vic00:17:24I have no desire to.
Sonny00:17:25I do want to see Ralph Breaks the Internet. I'm just waiting to get a screener of it. I'm frankly too lazy to go to the movies. I'm trying not to go to the movies anymore through the end of the year, which is easy for me because I've got about 100 films on my desk I need to watch.
Vic00:17:38I know. So if one of them were missing, you wouldn't even know.
Sonny00:17:40Oh, I would know. Oh, I'd know, Vic. Do you? Anyway. So I have no thoughts. I don't really. Okay. You know what was interesting was Green Book dropped like 28%, I think.
Vic00:17:56Well, it is in 10th place right now with 3.9 million.
Sonny00:18:00It's in 10th place. After three weeks. It's not surprising that it had a soft drop. It doesn't really matter, though, because it had such a bad opening. How many screens did it expand to, though? It was only on two more screens this week. So it went from like 1,023 to 1,000. Okay.
JVL00:18:14So it will expand when they go wider. I don't think so. They're not going to put it on anymore.
Sonny00:18:19I am totally winning this. You're totally winning what?
JVL00:18:22Our Oscar draft. Before we get there.
Sonny00:18:25Once again, I would bet money, I would bet $5 right now that I get more points than both of you combined.
JVL00:18:33Well, again, that's not saying anything because Vic is going to finish with zero points. No. Roma is big.
Vic00:18:38I love Roma, man. Alfonso Cuaron, Mexico. Right now, really, people are not going to choose that.
Sonny00:18:46Roma gets at least eight nominations.
Vic00:18:48At least eight nominations. It's timely.
Sonny00:18:52Could very easily win Best Director. Alfonso Cuaron. I would be a bit surprised if it won Best Picture. Sonny... Those are two different people. Alejandro Iñárritu. What are you talking about? I love this stuff. Hellboy was great. Oh, my God. Racism.
Vic00:19:08Hellboy was great.
Sonny00:19:09Okay. Not all Mexican directors are the same.
Vic00:19:12What?
Sonny00:19:13Okay. Is Alejandro Iñárritu a Mexican? I can't remember. He might be Spanish.
Vic00:19:18Sonny, you and I saw Green Book. We did. Why don't you give us a Green Book?
Sonny00:19:23Did anyone else see Green Book?
Vic00:19:26No. No.
Sonny00:19:28Sorry.
Vic00:19:29I don't work...
Sonny00:19:30I don't sound like that. You do when you're asking him about Gene. You get very exaggerated. You get very, very exaggerated.
JVL00:19:36I'll just sit over here and be quiet.
Sonny00:19:38Oh, come on. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You made fun of me the other day when you did the review when I wasn't here.
Guest00:19:45You did a very... But it didn't work. Oh, that was very gentle.
Sonny00:19:48It didn't work because you don't have any tics. I got a lot of tics. Well, I haven't picked up on them. Go ahead, Sonny. You sounded exactly like me. I texted you while I was listening to it. It's like, that's a very good impression of me. You were just being kind. I was not.
JVL00:20:02Does that sound like me?
Sonny00:20:03It sounds nothing like you. Green Book. It's a movie. It's a movie about race in America. It's a movie about people coming together, putting aside their differences. And learning about how our great country can overcome the obstacles of racism and other forms of bigotry. It's a movie of people who are just trying to get along in their life. It's a movie. It's what we call Oscar bait. It is practically a definitionally Oscar bait movie. So, Viggo Mortensen stars as a sub-sopranos Italian stereotype who loses his job at the Copacabana because it closes for renovations for two months and, in order to make ends meet, agrees to drive around a gay black piano player through the deep South.
JVL00:21:11Oh, he's gay? Question. Gay. I'm winning this pool. Gay black piano player. How do you know he's gay? I didn't even know he was gay. Sonny, how do you know he's gay?
Sonny00:21:19I saw the movie. It's very, it's actually very interesting because they've really downplayed the fact that he's gay and amped up the fact that he's African American. It's like, you would think that- How do you know he's African American? You would really think that they would get on this whole intersectionality thing and be like, "Look at this touching story about the Sopranos extra who needs to," he's literally a Sopranos extra, by the way, the character. The character is- The character that Viggo Mortensen is playing is the guy who played Big Carmine in The Sopranos.
Vic00:21:55I knew it. I saw his photo at the end. I said, "That guy looks like Big Carmine."
Sonny00:21:59No, it's Big Carmine. Who dies of a stroke at the country club. It's literally, so it's literally a Sopranos extra, Italian stereotype driving around another stereotype through a series of stereotypically Southern towns and having all of the stereotypically Southern misadventures you would expect a gay black man to have in the South. The movie is fine. It is a totally competent piece of filmmaking. It has a touching story. It is funny. Directed by? Directed by Peter Farrelly of the Farrelly Brothers. It is competently made. It is funny. It is serious. It hits all of the right notes about how minorities can teach white people to be better and how white people can teach minorities to be better. It is such a joke that this movie even exists that it feels like an SNL skit come to life. Again, it is a totally competent piece of filmmaking. It is not a bad movie. It tells a story well. There's nothing egregiously grotesque about any of the shot choices or any of the acting except for, I mean, Viggo Mortensen's, again, Italian stereotype.
Guest00:23:17Hey! I loved it. Opa! What's wrong with you? Oh! Bafangul! Oh! Don't curse at me! Oh! Oh! Hey! I'm going to eat this submarine sandwich. Hey! I sped. I sped at you, Sonny. You can't use that language. You got to bleep that. There's a bigger pizza here. I'm going to eat it. I'm going to fold it up and eat it. You got to bleep that Bafangul. That's offensive to some people. Oh! Okay. Why don't you just finish the frickin' story? Oh! Oh! Oh! Look! Oh! Oh! I'm going to punch that guy in the face.
Vic00:23:49Oh! You know what I like? I like Linda Cardellini. I thought she was oofah! Oofah! Oofah! She was one booyah hottie. And you know what I wonder? I think there's some nude pictures of her on the internet, but I'm too scared to find out because I can't get a secure line on my internet. JVL!
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Vic00:25:43Thank you, JVO.
JVL00:25:45You know, I find it odd. No, not odd. I find it ironic that the thing that is finally going to get us into serious trouble will be the Italian offensiveness. Was that offensive? Was my... The groups we are actually going to off and the people we're going to be really angry about on this show is going to be like the Italian-American, you know how like every year... Defamation society. Defamation society.
Vic00:26:08They have a thing and they come out. Because of stereotypes. Stereotypes on this. Yes. That was really how it was. I went in this not wanting, I didn't want to see this movie, right? And my general preconception was that this is driving Miss Daisy role reversal. And from the beginning, I enjoyed it. To the end. Of course you did. Of course you did. I love the opening scene in the Copa, which is kind of a Goodfellas ripoff about the scene going into the Copa. But I thought... Except done with no skill. Homage.
Sonny00:26:37Homage. Not a ripoff. It's an homage. Homage. There are several homages.
Vic00:26:42But it's not even an homage. Here's the other thing. Here's the other thing. Yes, it's corny and it's sweet, possibly saccharine. Honestly. But it's also based on a true story. I can do that. That's fine with me. I'm happy to believe a lot of these things happen. Also, personally, I like jazz. You know? I mean, Billy Strayhorn is... It was a similar situation. Jazz.
Sonny00:27:01There's no jazz in this movie. It's sub-Liberace piano work.
Vic00:27:04No, no, no, no, no, no. Black Orpheus.
Sonny00:27:06They literally... He literally compares himself to Liberace. I know.
Vic00:27:10I know.
?00:27:11He hates...
Vic00:27:12What? Black Orpheus. Well, that was his album. That was the piece.
JVL00:27:16Oh, okay. That's something else. No, no, no, no, no.
Vic00:27:19And I mean... And I listen... I mean, I'm very familiar with, surprisingly, with all this jazz in my iTunes library. You know, Brubeck and Coltrane, Oscar Peterson, Chet Baker, Stan Getz. So I'm... This world I'm familiar with, and this was his way of saying he didn't want to do rock, but they didn't want it for classical, so they found this medium ground for the late Don Shirley, that he could do this kind of music. And frankly, I like early jazz. That stuff I thought was really good. And again, I remind... Billy Strayhorn was the same thing. He was Duke Ellington's right-hand man. He was gay. I mean, you know, you imagine what that was like at the time. And there's also these... There's a wonderful homage to, I was telling Sonny earlier, In the Heat of the Night, and it's the suitcase, the handing the suitcase scene. And it's very similar to Rod Steiger doing that with Sidney Poitier at the end of the movie. And it's... There's a really good payoff, I thought, in the end. I really enjoyed this movie.
Sonny00:28:17And I loved Viggo. Here's why The Substandard is such a great show, is because we have people who actually know what they're talking about when it comes to movies. You have me and JBL. And then you have the common man. And then you have the common man. You have Vic.
Vic00:28:30What's the score? What is it? What do you call it? Is it Metacritic? What's the score? Cinema score. You're the cinema score.
Sonny00:28:37I'm the cinema score. You're the cinema score. We're Metacritic. I give it a plus. Plus. And this is just... It's really typical. JBL and I are pretty high on Widows. JBL, a little more than me. But we're still both, "Oh, this is a great movie. There's lots of interesting cinema, and the shots are interesting, and it has a good idea behind it." Too long. And Vic is making raspberries. Meanwhile, we get to Green Book, and it's like, "Oh my God, this is such a touching story. And it's so deep. I love it so much." And it's so deep. It's so deep. This is why it has an A+ from CinemaScore. Vic is your man if you want to know what the people think. Oh, I got a lot of people then. You know what the people think. You come to Vic Matus.
Vic00:29:19I didn't. It was deeper than I expected. You know what it is also. It wasn't deeper than anything. It was so amazing.
Guest00:29:24He threw the pad.
Vic00:29:25It's the opposite of deep. What are you going to do?
Sonny00:29:27Your notes. It's the opposite of deep. It's not deep. It's so shallow. Only Facebook Live.
Vic00:29:34It's so shallow. It tugged at my heartstrings at number one. He's got to get his notepad. This is the biggest thing he's done since he fell off this chair, which was also a very dangerous prop back in the day. It also has to do, I would say, with my expectation for this movie, which was at zero. So anything above zero, I was really, really very pleased. Question. Yeah.
JVL00:29:58Before Widows, what was the last movie that you saw that you didn't like? Because Annihilation. Yeah, that's right. Thank you, Sonny. So we have to go back to summer. Annihilation.
Sonny00:30:09Oh, that was February. That was like February. That was like the beginning of the hour. Annihilation. Thank you for wasting my time.
Vic00:30:14Like Baywatch. I don't know. It's pretty funny. I was going to throw that on me.
JVL00:30:17The Skyscraper. Well, I don't know. The Rock is pretty great. Bohemian Rhapsody. I love those musicals. Everything. He likes everything. Everything. He likes everything.
Vic00:30:28Except for Widows. Except for Widows. Do you remember there was a brief moment when I was doing reviews for you at The Standard and it turned out every movie I watched was good. You know? Gang me up. Gangs up for Gangs of New York. You know? And that was even before I did Gene Shalit. Gangs of New York is good. All ganged up, I think I said. It's all ganged up. That doesn't even make any sense.
JVL00:30:44I don't think I allowed you to say that. You type it in the internets for now. You might be able to still find it. You couldn't get a gang bang? I think you'll see something very different if you type that up into the internet. You know, you look up your teen facials and the all ganged up together on Google.
Sonny00:30:59Just make sure you use VPN. Oh, thank you. Express VPN.
Vic00:31:02Very good. All ganged up teen facials. Okay. So here we go. To go back to your earlier point, because you hadn't seen the movie and you said this is, you know, Sonny says Oscar Bay and you said you're going to win this with this movie Green Book. I agree. It hits all the points. People like it. It's a feel good movie. In the end, there's this great payoff. Except what? What happened on the way to the Oscars for Green Book?
Sonny00:31:25Well, I mean, the problem with Green Book is that it hits this weird kind of anti-intersectional note where it is rubbing people the wrong way who want stories that are about race that really focus on the black people and not the white people who need to be reassured about how great they are. So there are people out there who are like, "This should be the year of Black Klansmen," or "Sorry to Bother You," or--
JVL00:32:04Beale Street.
Sonny00:32:05Beale Street. If Beale Street could talk, or one of those movies. That's coming. Also, Viggo Mortensen used the N-word at a panel, at a post-screening panel. He--
Vic00:32:16Was he in an interview with the press or something?
Sonny00:32:17No, he was making a point. He was making a totally reasonable point, which is, it's not so long ago in the United States that we could say the N-word, except he actually said the N-word. He didn't say-- And you cannot-- He did not quote the N-word. He said N-word.
JVL00:32:33Well, that makes him the worst person in America.
Sonny00:32:36It makes him-- Or the world, maybe. It makes him a terrible, terrible person. To the point that, literally, his co-star in the film, Mahershala Ali-- Yeah. Released a statement saying, "It's not okay. Viggo said this." So he's being denounced by his own people in an effort. Well, he has to be to save-- Excuse me. But there's-- His co-star had to do that in order to save the movie. Well, this is true. So it's fascinating how all of these little mini scandals are playing out. I don't know if you guys saw this the other day, but Paul Schrader on Facebook-- I was busy. What happened? Paul Schrader on Facebook said that he was offered a film to direct, and he was given the script, and he loved it. And he said-- He said, "The only way I can make this movie, the only way it makes any sense at all, it's perfect for this guy, is if we can get Kevin Spacey to do it."
JVL00:33:27Paul Schrader, the--
Sonny00:33:28Paul Schrader, the director. David Letterman?
JVL00:33:30No. No, no, no, no. Paul Schaefer. Paul Schaefer.
Sonny00:33:34Oh, Schaefer. Paul Schrader. I've been so confused for the last 45 seconds. Paul Schrader, the director of First Reformed, which is getting a lot of Oscar buzz, especially for Ethan Hawke and for Paul Schrader's script, original script, but so he's in the midst of this Oscar campaign that's been very expertly run by A24, and he's got this great pedigree. He's the writer of Taxi Driver, and he's a long-time director. He's never been nominated for Best Director, and I can't remember if he won an Oscar or not for Taxi Driver, but either way. Anyway, he's had this expertly run campaign, and then two days before the New York Film Critics Circle announces their awards, he's like, "Hey, you know who we need back in movies? Kevin Spacey. We need to get that Kevin Spacey."
Vic00:34:16Oh, right. All right. You have to separate the art from the person, yes? Sure. Well, that makes him the worst person in the world.
Sonny00:34:22He is now the worst person. So I hope he's being punished. So he and Viggo Mortensen should have a pity party together.
Vic00:34:27So do you think prior to the N-word incident that Viggo was on his way to getting
Sonny00:34:33the nom for Best Supporting or something? Best Lead. Best Lead. So I still think that Green Book will get a lot of nominations because it just appeals. It's such a crowd. It's such a crowd-pleasing sort of movie, and it really appeals to the boomer liberals who have made this sort of movie an Oscar favorite for generations.
Vic00:34:59Also, when you mention boomers, perhaps boomers and slightly older who go to these movies who will be reminded of that time with the little touches of 1962.
Sonny00:35:10They'll be reminded of that time when a little bit of casual racism was okay, as long as you were still- Hey. You don't have to be such a student odd about this. Okay. On the right side of things, and when it comes ... My favorite thing, and I think the most ridiculous thing about this movie is how cool he is with the guy being gay. He's just like, "Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
Guest00:35:27We're- He worked at the Copa. He sees all kinds of stuff.
Sonny00:35:30In the 1960s? '60s. '50s and '60s. In the 1960s. Oh, that's so crazy. A 1960s New York Guido- New York Guido. Then he had no problem with a fnook. Is like, "Oh, yeah, sure, no, I'm- You can bleep that. I don't- I'm totally fine with walking in on this gay black man with a new- Nude white man in the- Is that what happened? Public shower.
Vic00:35:49Is that what happened? I didn't know. He's just totally fine with it. I thought they were just hanging out in the shower. I didn't realize- Shower buddies, for safety. They didn't show anything. They were just sitting on the floor. I didn't realize what happened. Question.
JVL00:35:59Is this, to your sensibilities, Sonny, more offensive or less offensive as a piece of Oscar bait than Crash?
Sonny00:36:11Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I have never hated Crash as much as some other people did. But this is- I don't even watch it. This is the last. Crash is the last movie in this vein that won an Oscar, I think.
JVL00:36:32Question. Yeah. Would you be less offended by this movie if it had been released as counter-programming on an early June weekend?
Sonny00:36:40Absolutely. If this was not being hailed as a surefire Oscar ... If this is the best movie you've seen, if this is one of the 10 best movies you've seen this year, then I really ... I don't understand how you could have seen more than about 20 movies. I mean, this is my problem with it, is not that it's a bad movie. It's a perfectly fine movie. It's competent. Vic thinks it's even better than Predators.
Vic00:37:03But I don't think I've seen 20 movies. No. You know for a fact that I hated The Predator. You remember that.
JVL00:37:10Is that the last movie you didn't like? Yeah.
Vic00:37:12That was more recent. And that was awful. I mean, that's like, give me my money back awful.
Sonny00:37:15You're right, though. I find it offensive that people are holding this up as like a high artistic achievement.
JVL00:37:23So wait a minute. Wait a minute. Suddenly we are in the place where Sonny is the one who is being offended by the things that are being said about the movie and not evaluating the movie itself as a work. I believe this is the opposite of the conversation we had about A Certain Panther, where I was ... And Sonny was like, "No, you just gotta leave it all behind. You can't let what other people are saying about the movie affect your view of the art, the work itself." And then you went and you saw it and you loved it. Loved it. It's great. You loved it.
Vic00:37:55One of the best movies I've seen all year. So I went and saw it and I ... I thought it was so sour. What? I did. We had this conversation.
?00:38:01I like Doctor Strange better.
JVL00:38:02Racist. I'm just saying that it seems to me like you are being pushed in this way by the thing
Sonny00:38:12around the thing. Of course. Of course. That's all. That's undoubtedly true, but I actually have also seen the thing. You were judging it without having seen. Without seeing it. Yes.
JVL00:38:24Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. No, I wasn't. In fairness to me, I was simply saying I was not going to see it because I was so offended by the buzz around it. I wasn't judging the object. How was that any better? How was that any better? Well, I think it's a lot better, right? I mean, it's wrong to judge things you haven't seen, and I think I never do that.
Vic00:38:39Could you make the argument that these certain stereotypes that some people may be offended by. It depends at the Sons of Italy that the ethnicity, the sort of the accents and the behavior was more pronounced because a lot of these guys were first generation Italians versus Italians now. So that's the way they were back then. And today it's much different.
JVL00:39:03They still I mean, you know, do they talk differently today, Victorino?
Vic00:39:07They still they still celebrate the Feast of the Seven Fishes.
JVL00:39:10I mean, that was on Christmas Eve. Is there any talk of gravy in this movie?
Vic00:39:13Oh, right. Gravy, of course. Yeah. I mean, I just got to keep stirring. I don't want to. Hey, listen, some of my best friends are Italian. Come on. I could. Okay. It's it's such a shame for Vigo because I was thinking, you know, I almost every I've never seen him in that horse movie. Hidalgo. Was that what it was called?
JVL00:39:32But the other movie where he writes, he's a horse movie, the horse movie Fellowship of the Ring.
Vic00:39:37No. Yes. There are a lot of horses. That's true. So I mean, because he because he does great. He speaks Elvish. Very good in that. Eastern Promises. I love that movie. Did you like Eastern Promises? Fantastic. Did you ever see that movie, JVO? That scene where he fights with the Chechens in the in the sauna in the steam room and it's he lets it all hang out. It's something else.
JVL00:40:01No. We had a real Vigo moment member with History of Violence. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, he was he was going to become an action star. And I got the sense then he just decided he didn't want that life.
Sonny00:40:11That's. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, he was more artsy. He was definitely kind of. He was kind of weird to frame him as an action star because he only came up through Crimson
JVL00:40:20Tide. Right.
Sonny00:40:22Right. And G.I.
Vic00:40:24Jane.
JVL00:40:25Yep.
Vic00:40:26He's G.I. Jane. G.I. Jane. I just remembered Demi Moore's line to him when he gets out of the bathtub. And she says, hey, I can't do the rest of it. You can't say. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Great. Mark it down. Mark it down, Sonny.
JVL00:40:41And she says, hey, get your back in here.
Vic00:40:42Remember that? She says that something like that. I don't remember that. I don't remember. Okay. Do we have any more thoughts on the Green Book? So you think it's going to get numbs, but obviously not for Best Actor. I think it would.
Sonny00:40:56No.
Vic00:40:57I mean. But it's sort of going to cancel out Beale Street. Right. I mean, when does that come out?
Sonny00:41:01I think I think Green Book definitely gets nominated in in a fair number of categories. I think it probably will get nominations in at least Best Picture. Is it Original Screenplay or Adapted Screenplay? I don't know. Whichever screenplay category it's in. Probably Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor, I think Mahershala Ali will get a Supporting Actor nod. Why would he be the Supporting Actor? I'm pretty sure that's how they're pitching it. I don't know. That's problematic all on its own. Probably. Is it not? It's probably.
JVL00:41:37Shouldn't you be pitching him as Best Actor and pitch Viggo as Best Supporting Actor?
Sonny00:41:41I'm not in charge of how they're doing their Oscar campaign.
Vic00:41:45Weren't you surprised at the end, in the last time he gets pulled over by the cop and it turns out to be a good cop? It turns out to be a good cop. But isn't that problematic, too, because it's, "Oh, wait a minute. I thought it was very sweet." Also, he mentioned Chopin, and he saves it for the end at that, as they would call it, a juke joint, and he plays Chopin, and it's amazing. Is that all CGI-ed or is that... I don't know. I don't know. It was so impressive. I don't know. Either way, I thought it was amazing, and Chopin is the artist.
JVL00:42:17I believe it's pronounced Chopin.
Vic00:42:18Chopin. Chopin. Yeah, Chopin. So anyway, or Joe Pan, as Viggo calls him. Joe Pan. He says, "You know that guy you were saying?
JVL00:42:26Joe Pan." Joey Pan.
Vic00:42:28You know, that was... God. This movie is so offensive. I felt like I was with all my friends. I felt like I was back in Jersey hanging out at the Golden Bell Diner.
JVL00:42:35This movie is such trash. Victorino, serious question. Serious question. Is this one of the five best movies you've seen this year?
Sonny00:42:40Of the year? Yes. Yes, it is. He said it's the best movie he's seen this year before the show. Before the show. You put it as number one, number one. Before the show, he said it was the best movie he's seen. But I always throw other movies that you think...
Vic00:42:49He's seen this year. I can't keep track of movies. I can't let... It's like I can never remember who won the last World Series, or Super Bowl, or whatever, or basketball. So remind me of the other movies. You're like a goldfish. Widow. No. The only thing that you can remember is what's happened in the last ten minutes. Yes. That's it. I like Creed II, and I liked this movie, Green Book.
JVL00:43:07Is this better than Creed II?
Vic00:43:09Yeah. But I love Creed II. But this is even better. I don't know. I have mixed feelings. Okay. What were the other movies that you all liked? I can't remember. Vic needs us.
JVL00:43:18Vic needs us. Vic needs us.
Vic00:43:20If we name more movies, he'll say that's a tie, too.
Sonny00:43:21All right. Hold on. I'm actually going to pull up our archives here.
Vic00:43:24Okay. All right. So that's, again, for our listeners, trust me on this. It's like a '60s version of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles meets Driving Miss Daisy. That's my review. Oh.
JVL00:43:38Oh. I hope that that...
Vic00:43:40They blurb it. You know, but they certainly... They throw, "The critics have spoken." Right. Yeah. It's like 8.5. It's going to say...
Sonny00:43:47All right.
Vic00:43:48Bohemian Rhapsody. Yeah.
Sonny00:43:50It was pretty good. You loved it.
Vic00:43:52You loved it. Yeah. Venom. Kind of liked it. It had issues. So-so. Let's see. It frustrates me because it's not fully in the Marvel Universe. I get so annoyed. Mission Impossible. Yeah. Liked it. Liked it. Skyscraper. No. No. Incredibles 2. Yeah.
Sonny00:44:10That's fine. Ant-Man. Yes.
Vic00:44:13Ant-Man and the Wasp. Yeah. I love this. Fourth Wall Overload. I love this going through it. Okay. What else we got? Jurassic World 2.
JVL00:44:21No. A Quiet Place. I didn't see it. There are movies we didn't see. Solo. No.
Vic00:44:27Crazy Rich Asians.
?00:44:28Yes.
Sonny00:44:30The Avengers movie.
Vic00:44:31Infinity War. Yeah.
Sonny00:44:33Of course.
Vic00:44:34Crazy. Ocean's 8. Yeah. It's good, although I don't like the motivation. Did you see Tomb Raider? No. No, no, no. And I did not see A Star is Born. I bet you I would like A Star is Born. You probably would. You probably would. Yeah. Ready Player One.
?00:44:47Yes.
Vic00:44:49I'm fanning myself here. Okay.
JVL00:44:51I mean, honestly, the number of four-star movies this year. I should be. I am. I had no idea. I had no idea.
Sonny00:44:58It's like 1941 all over again. I had no idea how great a year of movies it was. 39.
JVL00:45:01It's like 39. Gone with the wind, Wizard of Oz. Halloween. What about Halloween?
Sonny00:45:05Did you... Yeah.
JVL00:45:07It was good. It was good. Widow. Did you see Peppermint?
Sonny00:45:11No. Did not like Widows. Too long.
JVL00:45:14No, I didn't.
Sonny00:45:15I... No. I didn't see Peppermint. It's too much. Christopher Robin?
JVL00:45:20Did you see? No. The Meg. You loved The Meg. No, we didn't see them.
Vic00:45:25You didn't see The Meg? What? That's got Vic written all over it. Did we talk about that? We did a lot of... You know, it's funny looking back on our time. Once again, like a goldfish. No idea what has happened. No idea. But when you look back on it, there were a number of episodes where it was just you who'd seen the movie, I think. Yeah.
Sonny00:45:37Death Wish. Those are always the best episodes. Those are the ones that really... Death Wish.
JVL00:45:41It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Yeah. Like Death Wish. Like The Equalizer.
Guest00:45:46I didn't see...
Sonny00:45:47We didn't even...
Guest00:45:48I don't think we did it.
JVL00:45:49I don't think we skipped it. Man is... First Man. Oh, loved it. Oh, my gosh.
Vic00:45:54First Man. That's right. First Man. Even with the shakiness. I still take the shakiness.
JVL00:45:59I'll take my Dramamine and watch that movie. Did you list any bad movies that you saw this year? Oh, yeah.
Vic00:46:02The Predator. The Predator. Widows. Widows. Obviously. Obviously. And what was the one that we talked about, but that was a long time ago that I didn't
Sonny00:46:09like at all. What about Deadpool 2?
Vic00:46:11Yeah. I thought a fourth... You know what? It's a sugar high. It's like, "Oh, I like this now." And then you look back and you're like, "Ugh."
Sonny00:46:17What about Chappaquiddick?
JVL00:46:18Yes. Loved it. Sherlock Gnomes. Oh, loved it. No, just... I give that one five stars.
Guest00:46:24This bit is awesome. Oh, Annihilation.
JVL00:46:26You hated Annihilation. I hated Annihilation. There you go.
Vic00:46:29Hated Annihilation. Take it for what it's worth. I really like Blade Runner 2049, looking back on it. It is really beautifully shot. Last year. Last year. We might as well look at all the movies now, though. We might as well just look back on our episodes. I don't know why.
Sonny00:46:42What about Clint Eastwood? We didn't see... Oh, we didn't see that. I didn't see that one. That's 15, 17 to Yuma or whatever. Between the Paris...
JVL00:46:49Is the mule coming out?
Sonny00:46:50It looks kind of awesome. They're not screening it for critics. Really? They are not screening it for critics. They are not sending it to screeners for awards.
JVL00:46:58I bet it's really good, then. They just want to keep the surprise away from you guys because they want audiences to experience
Sonny00:47:05the whole thing. Wow. I know.
Vic00:47:08I'm super excited. It's disappointing, because I like the trailer, and he's only 88, not that I should be talking about him. Yeah. You keep his name out of your mouth. It's my final... Hold on. There's a list of people I just want to shout out to before this... Anyway. Okay. Do we have any more Green Book thoughts? That was great. Thank you. That was good business.
Sonny00:47:27That was good business.
Vic00:47:29I am Mr. Metacritic. Score. Cinema score. Cinema score. Whatever it is. Cinema score. Cinema score.
Sonny00:47:36What is Metacritic? That's something else. Oh, okay. Are you on Metacritic? I'm not on Metacritic. Why not? Metacritic has no interest in me.
Vic00:47:44You know what? The Metacritic sucks. Metacritic sucks. Metacritic is trash.
Sonny00:47:48You're not Metacritic. How do we get you on Metacritic? I don't know. I don't know. You probably have to apply.
JVL00:47:53I don't want to apply, because I don't want to be rejected. You should never apply to any place. You should always wait for them to come to you.
Sonny00:47:56I applied to Rotten Tomatoes, because I wanted to be on Rotten Tomatoes.
Vic00:47:58And you got that. I got that.
Sonny00:48:00How long did that take for you to get that potential? It didn't... I've told this story before on the show, but I originally joined the Washington Area Film Critics Association solely as a shortcut to getting on to Rotten Tomatoes. I didn't even realize...
JVL00:48:13And now they're your best friends.
Sonny00:48:14I didn't even realize at the time that WAFCA came with lots of free movies at the end of the year. I just wanted... I needed a way to get on RT immediately.
JVL00:48:25Do you have a Rotten Tomatoes badge that you can flash? Not to be mistaken with Russian RT.
Sonny00:48:30Yeah. No. But I do have a Rotten Tomatoes badge. It's a ring. What? That I can show people. Rotten Tomatoes.
Vic00:48:36Dakota ring. Oh.
Sonny00:48:38All right.
Vic00:48:39So... It's not a thing. Come on. One last thought, then.
JVL00:48:43Okay?
Vic00:48:44I get the last thought, which is... You got the last thought on Green Book? Yeah. I do. I do. And this is... It is probably one of the best Christmas movies since Die Hard. When she's waiting for him and she assumes...
JVL00:48:55Much like in Planes...
Sonny00:48:57That's... That's enough of that. We need to... That's enough of that. Oh, I'm sorry. Was there a transition there?
Vic00:49:04Okay. Yes. Yes. Believe it or not, this is all for a transition. I hear you can do it by just saying, "Transition! Transition!" And I thought at the end of Planes, Trains, Automobiles, is he coming home? And in fact, he comes home, and that's one of the great Christmas gifts of all time. You know what else is a good Christmas gift? Cookies! For over 40 years, Mrs. Fields has made delicious treats like their signature chocolate chip cookies, the handcrafted frosted favorites to melt in your mouth. Brownies and Mrs. Fields' gourmet gift tins and baskets make the perfect present to surprise and delight anyone on your list this season. At Mrs. Fields, their cookies and sweets are baked daily and always arrive fresh and flavorful. Ordering is easy, and they can ship your gift anywhere across the United States. Plus, you can add a personal touch with a custom message, company logo, or family photo. Mrs. Fields even offers 100% customization. A 100% customer satisfaction guarantee. Sweet! This year, send a fresh baked gift no one can resist. I'm supposed to give a host testimonial, but the cookies have not yet arrived. It'll most likely arrive when this doesn't matter. But it'll probably come out.
JVL00:50:19Wait a minute. So you've never had Mrs. Fields' cookies?
Vic00:50:21Oh, but I've had Mrs. Fields' cookies. They're amazing. They are amazing. And they're the best. I do love... Thank you, JVL. I do love them. Do you have...
JVL00:50:29Why are they so good? Because they are... It is, it is.
Sonny00:50:32I would assume because each cookie has one stick of butter in it.
JVL00:50:36You need butter. The extra ingredient is butter. Is butter.
Vic00:50:39The extra ingredient is fat. Because they bake it fresh, it is actually like genuinely naturally chewy. They're so good. They're so, so good. You ever get... You go to the store and you buy supermarket cookies that are chewy, there's actually something really bad in those cookies. You know what I mean? They put all these sort of additives. I hate it almost home. I thought that I'd rather have a dry, crumbly cookie than the chewy one. There's something wrong with those chewies.
Sonny00:51:01But not Mrs. Fields. You mean like the Nestle ones or whatever, the ones that... Not the ones that are cooked in the... Not the ones that are baked in the store.
Vic00:51:08No, no, no. It's in the... It's already...
Sonny00:51:11Whatever the brand is. No, they're so good. Those other ones. Mrs. Fields. When you get those Mrs. Fields cookies, you better bring them in. No, I'm coming in here.
Vic00:51:17Better bring them into the office. We'll call you, Jonathan, no matter where you are.
JVL00:51:19Open them up. We'll bring you in.
Vic00:51:21I can't do that, dude.
JVL00:51:22Why not? Carbohydrates.
Vic00:51:24Oh, come on. There's no carbohydrates in cookies. Listen, right now, get 20% off your order when you go to MrsFields.com and enter promo code SUBSTANDARD. That's 20% off any gift at MrsFields.com, promo code SUBSTANDARD, MrsFields.com, promo code SUBSTANDARD. All right.
Sonny00:51:40Let's... Gentlemen...
Vic00:51:42Pull the plug on this. Let's... Yeah, Sonny, you got it. You got it. You got it. I'm surprised you didn't use "coming home."
JVL00:51:48You got a tossed salad waiting for you. Go ahead. I'm surprised you didn't use "coming home" during our masseuse portion of the show. Because that's a... That's a pretty good euphemism.
?00:51:55I like that.
JVL00:51:56I like that. Okay.
Vic00:51:58Team Facial, coming home. Oh, my gosh. Really, one quick correction addition. Readers pointed out in that YouTube clip of Eddie Murphy talking about Rocky, twice he says "standing on line." So it's settled. Okay. Moving right along. That is all the time we're giving to this pod... This episode. Questions, comments, complaints, compliments, especially a lot of listeners who don't follow us on Twitter. You may want to follow us on Twitter to find out.
Sonny00:52:25Yeah. If you're... Things. You know, if you're just in the mood for some news, you know, something great.
Vic00:52:32Yeah. Join Twitter. Follow us to find out what happens next, @VictorinoMatus, @SonnyBunch. @JV...
Sonny00:52:39Do you want to give us one more @JVLast? Come on.
JVL00:52:42Jonathan, come on. I'm not on Twitter anymore.
Sonny00:52:44Tell the people. So... That's a good point.
Vic00:52:47Yeah, you did pretty much get off Twitter. He's off Twitter. @JVLast. Be sure to subscribe to us on iTunes or Google Play. Just type in Substandard or Podcast. We're there. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to steal your bit again.
Sonny00:52:57There you go. Until next time. Well, that's like the Gene thing. You're supposed to do the .
?00:53:01Here we go. I do have a final outtake. I mean, an outtake. If you guys have other stuff, go ahead. I'm desperate for your outtake. Okay. And I wanted to say, I'm not going to be the only one who's going to be out there. I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there. I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there. I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there.
JVL00:53:11I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there. I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there. I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there. I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there.
Vic00:53:15I'm going to be the only one who's going to be out there. Here we go. I do have a final outtake. I mean, an outtake. If you guys have other stuff, go ahead. And it's awful. I'm desperate for your outtake.
JVL00:53:22Okay. And I wanted to say, you were at an all-male college. Giving your talks? Yeah, I was at Wabash. I was at Wabash College. Like, why would I ever go to give it? It was not ASU.
Vic00:53:29Right. You weren't at ASU, were you? Sorry. I passed out for a second. No, this was in Scottsdale.
JVL00:53:34It was at the lovely Scottsdale Plaza Resort. Very funny. I made a great opening joke in my speech to the kids, you know, to warm up the crowd.
Vic00:53:40The first thing you do when you go into the hotel, and I had this lovely suite. They have the little card on the bed, and it tells you all the channels. Like, Channel 1, Hollywood movies, and Channel 2, adult. So I opened up and said, "It's great to be here. Did anyone else watch Channel 2 last night?" And there was a little couple seconds, and then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." And then I said, "Yeah, pretend you don't know." But hung out by the kids' poolside at night, hanging out with the kids. But hung out by the kids' poolside at night, hanging out with the kids. But hung out by the kids' poolside at night, hanging out with the kids. But hung out by the kids' poolside at night, hanging out with the kids. Normal stuff. Normal stuff. Normal stuff. Don't mind me.
JVL00:54:13I'm just an old man with gout. Don't mind me.
Vic00:54:15I'm just an old man with gout. Don't mind me.
JVL00:54:17I'm just an old man with gout.
Sonny00:54:18You just see Sonny's face.
Vic00:54:19You just see Sonny's face. I got to prop up my foot. I got to prop up my foot. I got to let my toes breathe. I got to let my toes breathe. I got to let my toes breathe. My dogs are barking, as John Candy says. My dogs are barking, as John Candy says. My dogs are barking, as John Candy says. So I made some old joke or whatever. So I made some old joke or whatever. And Mike Warren was there. And Mike Warren was there. Were you wearing your bifocals? I was. I was not. I was wearing my progressive lenses from Warby Parker. Do you get to keep those even if the show ends?
Sonny00:54:40I have to get back the glasses? Do you? Do you? I don't know. Who else can wear them? I don't know. I don't know. Nobody else can.
Vic00:54:50They just do this size? If you tried to put them on, they would fall off. I would donate them to the nationals for the running of the presidents, then they could put them on Teddy. So anyway, Mike Warren made a joke, and he says this to me all the time. He goes, "How old are you?" So I jokingly said, "Yeah, I'm 70." And the next morning, I'm talking to some kid about whatever. And then I talk to him. I talked about my father. And I said, "Well, you know, my father, you know, he's 80 now." And he says, "Wait a minute. How can your father be 80 when you're 70?" And I looked at him, and I said, "I'm..." Oh, bafangu. Oh, oh. Oh, bafangu. Oh, oh. Why do you have to be such a snot? Shut your mouth. Hey, you svochin. I said, "I'm not 70."
?00:55:28No, no, no.
Vic00:55:29I was going to say, "You look amazing for 70." Yeah, but for 45.
?00:55:36Yeah.
Sonny00:55:36I'm sure it's fine
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