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#142. The Substandard Summer Clip Show
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Dudes Chatting — Gene Shalit summer clip show: JVL is absent this week at the beach. It is just Vic and Sonny. The episode opens with Vic and Sonny conducting a Cherry Cola Oreo taste test (verdict: terrible, the filling contains Pop Rocks-style candy) and a brief bourbon-pairing flight. The main feature is a Gene clip montage assembled by listener Gabe Rossman: Vic voices Gene Shalit delivering reviews of roughly fourteen films from the past year's shows, including Spider-Man: Homecoming, The Crying Game, Dunkirk, Atomic Blonde, Aloha, Logan Lucky, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Blade Runner 2049, Murder on the Orient Express, Darkest Hour, The Last Jedi, multiple Hostel films (Gene confusing Hostile and Hostel), Fifty Shades Freed, Death Wish, Isle of Dogs, Solo: A Star Wars Story, Skyscraper, and Mission: Impossible – Fallout. Sonny issues a correction: in the previous episode he referred to the dish soap hack for freeing the dog as "Palm" — the correct brand is Dawn.
Box Office: Crazy Rich Asians debuted at #1 with $25 million. The Meg fell to #2 with $21 million. Mile 22 placed third with $13.6 million.
Full transcript
Guest00:00:00Live from the Springfield Civic Auditorium, it's the Simpsons 138-episode Spectacular.
Sonny00:00:16Hello, I'm Troy McClure.
Vic00:00:30Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Substandard, sponsored by Quip Electric Toothbrush. I'm Victor Matus along with Sonny Bunch. I'd like to remind you The Substandard is available on iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher. Just click on our podcast and search for Substandard. You'll easily find us. Please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a review. Well, it's summer, so JVL is out on his long-anticipated beach vacation. Sonny is doing an SMDH over here. Boo. I mean, I would love to be two weeks on a beach. Wouldn't you, Sonny Bunch?
Sonny00:01:06No. That's the worst. That's the worst thing I've ever heard. Yeah, well, good for JVL. He's pretty stressed all the time, so he needs some time away.
Vic00:01:17The question is, is he really, really going to be off? Is he going to be off the grid, or is he just working from the beach? Because that would kind of suck.
Sonny00:01:25I think working from the beach would be better than being on the beach.
Vic00:01:29If you're going to be on the beach, you might as well do some work. Is that what you're saying? Do some editing on the beach.
Sonny00:01:33I mean, being on the beach is punishment enough.
Vic00:01:37Okay, so, well, it's just the two of us. What's going on with you?
Sonny00:01:42You know what I did this weekend? I tried the worst cookie that has ever existed.
Vic00:01:49You know, there's a lot of competitors for this, so I'm really interested.
Sonny00:01:52It's the Cherry Coke, or maybe Cherry Cola, version of the Oreo.
Vic00:01:58Oh, I'm not even familiar with this.
Sonny00:02:00Yeah, it's a thing. It's a thing. It's a bad thing.
Vic00:02:03Is it made by Nabisco?
Sonny00:02:05Yeah, it's like, well, you know how, like, Oreo put out a bunch of weird flavors? That's right. They put out a bunch of weird flavors.
Vic00:02:11Flavored creams. The creams are flavored.
Sonny00:02:13And I don't know why they did this, because the Oreo is basically a perfect cookie. I mean, there's so many different things you can do with it.
Vic00:02:18In our office, there's a thin Oreo. It's terrible. The thin Oreo, don't tease me.
Sonny00:02:21Thin Oreo, not as good. Not as good. You need the full-sized Oreo.
Vic00:02:24Or double stuffed. Would you do a double stuffed? How do you feel about that?
Sonny00:02:27Double stuffed. You need the double stuffed. But the cherry cola or cherry coke, whatever it's called, is, I mean, legitimately, it, like, has pop rocks in it.
Vic00:02:40To emulate carbonation? Yeah, to give it, like, that carbonation feel, which is just terrible.
Sonny00:02:46And the, like, cherry part basically tastes like, you know when you go to the dentist and they give you, like, the fluoride paste?
Vic00:02:56That you have to bite down on it for a long time?
Sonny00:02:59That's pretty much what it tastes like, except not as good.
Vic00:03:02Frankly, I would rather have, like, the orange fluoride creamsicle flavor. That's the flavor I would, you know, opt for. I remember as a kid, they gave you, at some point, towards the end of my youth, you know, when they even bothered to tell you about different flavors. After that, they just didn't happen anymore. One of them was chocolate, and I definitely, I went with, like... Chocolate? Yeah, chocolate. But the other one, I remember the hygienist telling me, and then there's also butterscotch, and then, without saying a word, she shakes her head at me, like, "Don't do it."
Sonny00:03:29Yeah. Smart. Somebody should have shook their head at me when I bought the $1.48 package of orange. It's a full-sized package. It's, like, the cheapest thing that you could buy at Target. And it was, it was really... You were curious. I was curious because, I mean, you know, you think it can't possibly be as bad as it kind of sounds it would be. Yeah, yeah. And it was worse. It was, I mean, it was honestly, I was almost sick eating them. Wow. I ate six of them.
Vic00:04:01Because you weren't sure at five.
Sonny00:04:03At five, you're like, "Hmm." No, well, I had a very specific plan. I wasn't sure what sort of drink to pair it with, so I got a glass of milk, a glass... You didn't get Coke? A glass of bourbon, and a glass of Diet Coke. And I was like, "Okay, well, let's see which of these..." Oh, that's good. And I wanted to do two of each, just to make sure. You were doing a flight of Oreos. I was doing a flight of Oreo pairing.
?00:04:23Uh-huh.
Sonny00:04:23Well, it was an Oreo pairing. It was an Oreo pairing.
Vic00:04:25Challenge.
Sonny00:04:26Yeah. Yeah. And so what worked best? None of it. None. Definitely the bourbon. The bourbon is the best because, I mean, when you're drinking 100-proof bourbon... Yes. I was drinking the Old Forester Prohibition style, I think. Oh, that's a nice one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a little bit higher. Or no, it was the 1897, not the Prohibition style. Okay. So the 18... But it's barrel-y strength, kind of. It's 100-proof bourbon, so like... Do you cut it at all with water? No. I put some ice in it, just to... Yeah. But the 100-proof bourbon pretty effectively destroys any lingering cookie taste in your mouth. Which you don't want. Which is what you're eating. You don't want any of that. And then you don't want the taste of it anymore. You don't want any of it. It's much better. It's much preferable to have the taste of bourbon in your mouth than that awful cookie. I remember when...
Vic00:05:04I remember when I was on the Bourbon Trail in Kentucky. We went to Woodford, and we did a whole thing of pairings with Woodford Reserve and, obviously, anything goes great with... I mean, Woodford is great. You can have that with anything. But they had... It was like a wheel on your table. A tasting wheel?
Sonny00:05:24A tasting wheel. Wait.
Vic00:05:26Was it like a Lazy Susan? No, it didn't. Are you talking about like... It was shaped as a circle. It was like a chart. Oh, it was a chart. It was kind of a chart. And then they had it with a pie chart. And then on each slice of that pie was a different thing. And one of the interesting things they had was sorghum, which is kind of like... It's like molasses, I think. I thought it was like soybean. It was sweet. I don't know. It was very sweet. I can imagine that's very common in Kentucky. So that worked. And then when we were at Jim Beam, they matched it with prosciutto. And you know what? Also good. Well, bourbon goes with everything. It does. It does. I was going to ask you a quick question about Oreos. Have you ever had a cookie that is the complete opposite of the Oreo, known as Hydrox?
Sonny00:06:03No. I heard that that's like... Is it like a New York City thing? I know all my New York City friends.
Vic00:06:08Is that right? No. I always thought it was like... I basically thought of Hydrox as the knockoff.
Sonny00:06:13Yeah. But Hydrox was first, I think. Is that right? I don't know. I remember... I feel like John Podhortz has a thing about Hydrox. Where... The only thing I know about...
Vic00:06:23Maybe he'll listen to this and tell us. The only... Yes, he will. The only thing I know about the Oreo is it was invented in the building that currently houses the Food Network in New York City. Huh. Yeah. How about that?
Sonny00:06:34They're in the old National Biscuit Company headquarters in Chelsea. Okay. Is that what Nabisco stands for?
Vic00:06:37That is for... That's my area of knowledge.
Sonny00:06:39Look at this. You know many things. As you know, I know everything about food and drink. I should have told you. I should have mentioned this before. Oh, no. Oh, I could have done... The thing about Oreos and Nabisco.
Vic00:06:48I'll make sure to avoid that. I'm avoiding a lot of things lately, actually, Sonny, because in two weeks' time, I have my semi-annual... It used to be annual, but now it's a semi-annual blood test.
Sonny00:07:01Twice annual. Twice annual?
Vic00:07:03Not once every two years. Biennial?
Sonny00:07:05Biennial? Biennial is every two years. Two... I don't know. Semi-annual. No.
Vic00:07:12Semi-annual. Twice yearly. Twice yearly. Twice yearly blood test. I'm going to ace it, so I'm fasting between now and next, not this Friday, but the Friday after.
Sonny00:07:22You're just not going to eat for two weeks?
Vic00:07:25No, no, no, no. I'm just curbing my normal appetite.
Sonny00:07:28You're doing... Are you doing reduced, reduced blood?
Vic00:07:30I'm kind of a RRG. Reduced, reduced. So this is what I had so far today, okay? Okay. This is what I had. I had... I started with a little Quaker Oats cup of oatmeal. Okay. Yeah. Okay. A little cup. It's portable. And then I had a little... I had a beef jerky link, like a sausage link. Just one? Just one. Little old link? Just one little old link. And then I had leftovers, which was a small container of leftover bow tie pasta that I had cooked with olive oil and garlic, and like a chicken cutlet, a fried chicken cutlet that was just a normal, nothing fancy, breaded fried cutlet. But that was it. And then I polished it off with a little, in our kitchen, the little mini Snickers and a mini Kit Kat bar. But it was dark chocolate Kit Kat, so that's good for the heart.
Sonny00:08:18Yeah.
Vic00:08:19And I've been also eating granola throughout until right before we taped.
Sonny00:08:22So that's like 1,800 calories already today, probably? I have 200 left. At least. Are you telling me I only have 200 left? Well, you know, you're on the reduced, reduced gluttony diet, so.
Vic00:08:30Reduced gluttony, you know. But that's it. I'm beginning to, as long as, if I can get to four o'clock, right, if I can get to four o'clock without any more snacking. What happens at four? No, I tend to start, I get less hungry at four than I should. Are you like a gremlin? I do. You turn into a monster if you snack after four? Don't feed me. I'm like a monster before. And then, you know, but then dinner's around the corner, then I can convince myself, okay, I can get through this. And I just need to do this.
Sonny00:08:51Yeah, that's true. There is like a mental hurdle. There is. You know what I'm talking about. I know what you're talking about when you're like, all right, I'm going to eat in like an hour, so I can be, I can make it. I can do this. It's like what I imagine marathoners go through, or other people who go, who do like physical strenuous activity. Yeah, yeah. Well, as you know.
Vic00:09:08I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know. I will do this because I have my 5K in September, so I need to get into this mode of thought anyway. And then, and just try to power, and then you know what, and then after, whatever the dinner is, something light, and then, and then go to sleep, and then just go to sleep. Because if you're awake. Just pass out. Just pass out. However, we have been watching at home, a fantastic show, I'm sure you saw this when it came out on Amazon, The Night Manager, with Tom Hiddleston and Hugh Laurie. Oh, no, no. It was supposed to be pretty good. Yeah. Highly recommended. Got to watch that. Okay. And then the kids came back, and so we actually caught up. Yeah. On Mission Impossible 3. I finally saw it. Oh, okay, good. And you were absolutely right. It's paying for the sins of the father, because Mission Impossible 2 stunk. Yeah. And so, like myself, I just said I'm not going to watch Part 3, but you know what? Pretty good. You could tell it's J.J. Abrams. Yeah, yeah. You know? And the pacing. Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Sonny00:10:01Yeah.
Vic00:10:02Is really good at this. He's so good. He's just fantastic in that. And yeah, and by the way, and I think that was the last time Ving Rhames did anything actually physically strenuous on Mission Impossible. Yeah. He sat on a water sheet. Yeah. He gets stuck in the... He's mostly just...
Sonny00:10:17He gets stuck in the tube now. He does a lot of sitting now.
Vic00:10:19He does a lot of... A lot of sitting and computers. We're getting away. Yeah, that's about it. But anyway, as I was going to say, as I mentioned in a previous episode, I needed to brush up on Mission Impossible, and I did, and since we're talking about brushing up, the truth is most of us are brushing our teeth wrong, not for long enough, and forget to change our brush on time. That's because most brands focus on selling flashy gimmicks rather than better brushing, but not quip. What makes quip so different? For starters, quip is an electric toothbrush that's a fraction of the cost of bulkier brushes while still packing just the right amount of vibrations to help clean your teeth. Quip's built-in timer helps you clean for the dentist-recommended two minutes with guiding pulses that remind you when to switch sides. Next, quip's subscription plans are for your health, not just convenience. They deliver new brush heads on a dentist-recommended schedule every three months for just $5, including free shipping worldwide. Quip also comes with a... ...mount that suctions right to your mirror and unsticks to use as a cover for hygienic travel wherever you take your teeth. And finally, everyone loves quip. They were on Oprah's "O" list, named one of Time's Best Inventions, and is the first subscription electric toothbrush accepted by the American Dental Association. Plus, they're backed by a network of over 20,000 dentist hygienists, and hundreds of thousands of happy brushers use quip every day. Quip starts at just $25, and if you go to... ...getquip.com/substandard right now, you'll get your first refill pack free with a quip electric toothbrush. That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com/substandard, spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash substandard. It's time you orient yourself with the perfect toothbrush. Speaking of the orient, over the weekend at the box office... Oh, no.
Sonny00:12:08I'm pretty sure that's problematic. I guess you can get away with this.
Vic00:12:11Get rid of yellow stains. Speaking of...
Sonny00:12:13No. Speaking of stains. I was going to say stains. I was going to say stains. As you... Look, we have to remind everyone of your heritage, because...
Vic00:12:20People are going to send in a lot of angry mail in our mail bag.
Sonny00:12:24Yeah. They'll send lots of angry mail. No. I can say this... We should do a mail bag episode next week after we... I'd love to do... By the way... After we half-ass this clip show episode.
Vic00:12:33You mean after Labor Day? Yes. When we come back after Labor Day. Have you been to the Apple review section for The Substandard lately? I was just there today. I've been there today for... I haven't been there in a while, and I was there today. Yeah. There is one that we... It is straight out of a Casey Kasem dedication from my heart, and we'll save it for when we all come back. We'll save it for... It's really quite something. I'm not even kidding. But anyway, over the weekend, Crazy Rich Asians took the top spot at the box office with $25 million, followed by The Meg with $21 million, and in third place, Mile 22 with $13.6 million. To answer your question on Twitter, Sonny, I looked at... I looked at it, and there's no punctuation whatsoever. Yes.
Sonny00:13:14Crazy Rich Asians. So it makes me think it's both. So is it crazy hyphen rich, as in these folks are crazy rich, or is it crazy comma rich, as in these people are crazy and also rich? I think because of the lack of punctuation, it's both. It's that crazy. So you think that... But wouldn't that then just be crazy comma rich? It should be. Because then that's both.
Vic00:13:36I think they want you guessing. Yes.
Sonny00:13:38That's both.
Vic00:13:39The crazy comma rich is really both. And then crazy rich.
Sonny00:13:41I guess crazy rich is much, much richer than rich.
Vic00:13:45Yeah. Like just rich.
Sonny00:13:47But beyond your imaginings. There's so much richness.
Vic00:13:49Have you seen Crazy Rich Asians? No. No. I haven't seen it. But you've seen Black Klansmen. I have seen Black Klansmen. Okay. So you've seen Black Klansmen, but you haven't seen Crazy Rich Asians. Is that what you're telling me?
Sonny00:13:59Are you saying that I'm prejudiced against Asians? Something's up. I saw Black Klansmen, and I saw Sorry to Bother You, which are two African-American themed and led movies directed by African-American directors, and I've not seen Crazy Rich Asians. Crazy Rich Asians. Mm-hmm. Well. I also saw Black Panther, and I haven't seen Crazy Rich Asians. The trifecta. You saw the trifecta.
Vic00:14:17Wow. I'm just starting to realize how problematic I am. No, no. It's offensive. It's extremely offensive. To your people. To my people. On behalf of my people, I'm offended. Why do people keep on asking if I've seen Crazy Rich Asians yet? That's what I want to know. Have you seen it? No, I haven't. Why? Why should I see it? I probably maybe will in the next couple weeks. It could be interesting. I don't know. It's actually the story of your childhood as the doctor's son. Yes. I thought this movie was about my parents, Crazy Rich Asians. I think it would be more interesting, a movie where it's an Asian man and a white woman. I think that would have been more interesting if the guy in the movie brought a white woman back to Singapore. I think that's more interesting because it's more like, oh my gosh.
Sonny00:14:56Because it would be like a culture clash?
Vic00:14:58A total culture clash.
Sonny00:14:59And you almost never see it that way. But isn't there already a culture clash? Well there is in the movie. Isn't that because she's American and Asian?
Vic00:15:07It's more nuanced.
?00:15:08Singaporean.
Vic00:15:09I think. Is that right? That is correct.
Sonny00:15:12That would be less nuanced. No, I mean it is interesting that this movie, it's another one of these movies that has kind of exceeded expectations more modestly than Black Panther did certainly. I mean Black Panther had everything going for it. It's a Marvel movie. You know, it was like a cultural phenomenon because it was an all African American cast. But Crazy Rich Asians also kind of did about maybe, I don't know, 10%, 15% beyond expectations. Yeah. Or 20, almost 20% actually, compared to what it was projected to do. Which is, I mean, like look, you're gonna get a lot of think pieces about what this means for diversity and all that. That's right. And I'm just, I'm not looking forward to that.
JVL00:15:55What was most fascinating actually?
Sonny00:15:56I am. It's funny that you mentioned the Black Klansmen and the rest. There was a, if you searched Crazy Rich Asians on Twitter. Last week. Which I did, because I was trying to find something. Yes. The auto-populate, like the suggested search, you know? It was Crazy Rich Asians Black. And I was like, okay, that's weird. I wonder what's going on there. So I clicked on that to see what it was. And there was like a semi-race war going on on Twitter. It was like the Asian people were like, we went, we supported Black Panther, African Americans, you have to come see Crazy Rich Asians. Wow. And then the African Americans were like, no, we're not gonna go, you're all racist, you hate the Black man. And I was like, wow, this is all fascinating. It's like, it was actually very, very interesting to see kind of a, like, a racial contretemps that is stripped entirely of white people. Yeah, no, you did not have a dog in this fight, it was just these two wolves. Jesus.
Vic00:17:01I did what I want. Anyway, yes, yes, yes.
Sonny00:17:06So anyway, it was it was it was kind of fascinating. I don't really have any thing to say about this because I don't I don't know how to say it without getting into lots of trouble. No.
Vic00:17:17Well, like some of us have just done, I don't know what you're talking about. Ann Hornaday liked it right from The Post, your colleague, your colleague at The Washington Post. She liked it a lot. And I heard her on the radio and she but she she stressed more that it was also a nice return of the rom com. There hasn't been a really good rom com. In a while since certainly since the passing of Nora Ephron and sort of she had the classic
Sonny00:17:41rom coms. You know, I'm the reason. So here's what actually why I was looking up Crazy Rich Asians was because I wanted to see if anybody was calling it was any any if anyone was accusing it of being an exercise in exoticism. Do you know what exoticism is, Vic? It's when you it's when it's when you look at a foreign culture and you like you, you, you oh, you like make it look weird and strange and therefore interesting. And, you know, it's this is kind of a a. This is one of the things that is considered very problematic now, exoticizing foreign cultures.
Vic00:18:10And I was curious to see if it was like lost a translation.
Sonny00:18:12Yeah, kind of like that. Kind of like that. Yeah. And I guess I guess Crazy Rich Asians kind of get to pass on this because everybody in the film is Asian. If it if they had had the white woman, as you suggested, then it would definitely be exotic exoticism exoticism. But I guess because it isn't it is not such a a mix that it was not it was not problematic.
Vic00:18:34I feel like I feel like I should be in the movie, you know, as as an Asian, and maybe it could be in the sequel, like Crazy Big Headed Asians. Crazy Big Headed Asians. Crazy Big Headed Asians. Come on. I fill a category. Sure. Please. Okay. So I did not see it. But also Jean did not see it. In case people have been asking. Jean did not see it. However, speaking of Jean, we got a special treat for everybody, don't we Sonny?
Sonny00:18:58In lieu of a full episode since we're mailing this one in. Yes, since it's just you and me and we're taping it, we're taping it from the lovely free beacon conference room. So convenient. Which maybe we should do every episode here from now on. Ideal. Wink, wink, JVL. Nudge. Nudge. You know, since two of us are here already and our setup really is superior in every way. Well ventilated.
Vic00:19:23It's not a bigger office.
Sonny00:19:24It's not a death trap. No. Our equipment is nicer. You know, these headphones are all set up, it's, well. But the, but the, yeah, we do have a nice special treat for everyone.
Vic00:19:33Our friend Gabe Rossman. Yes. He has taken a lot of his time and dedication to put together what we call, I guess, basically a Gene Clip Show. Gene. It's a Gene Show. It's a pastiche, if you will, of- It's a gene in a bottle. Whoa! Very good. Sonny Bunch. And it's the, it's like a, it's like the best of Gene. And that'll suffice for the next two weeks.
Sonny00:20:02Yeah. Well, we're, we're probably gonna take next week off, and then we will all be back and ready for the next season of the Substandard- I shut up. I'm shuddering. He literally actually shut up. It was like somebody walked all over his grave. So anyway, enjoy this. Enjoy this, and we'll, we'll see you all in a couple weeks.
Vic00:20:32I did the Gene Shalit review. Oh, boy. Is that okay? If it doesn't work, you can edit this out, JVL. Oh, boy. If this doesn't work, you can edit this out.
JVL00:20:54I gotta sit back and wait for it. I don't know. Let's-
Sonny00:20:57Okay. All right, I'm just gonna mute me. And hold on. Wait, I don't know which one. I don't know who it is. I don't know who it is.
Vic00:21:03I won't mute anyone. Okay. So here's my Gene Shalit review.
?00:21:06Ready?
Vic00:21:07"Spider- Homecoming" spins a web of intrigue that will have audiences marveling at the special effects. It's got spine-tingling action. Michael Keaton goes out on a wing as the Vulture. Marisa Tomei is Aunt May, or should I say May I? I wasn't so sure of Tom Holland, but it didn't take him long to get into the swing of things. My spidey sense tells me he's going to be a big star. Only very rarely does the plot ever slow to a crawl. I give Spider- Homecoming five stars. It'll have you dancing on the ceiling.
Sonny00:21:56Back to you, JVL. I think that's the best thing this should show. We should just stop the podcast. Guys, that's a wrap.
Vic00:22:02I'm done. JVL will tell you. I'm done. I'm done. All right. I'm just taking off my headphones. The Crying Game is directed by Neil Jordan, and boy, do I have a bone to pick with him. When Jimmy untucks Dill's robe, I assure you, that's not the only thing that gets untucked. Talk about luck of the Irish. Let's just say he was hoping to get his toad in the hole. But, instead, got bangers and mash. I give it two stars. And that's the Critics' Corner. Dunkirk. Watching Dunkirk, you can't help but get that sinking feeling. In fact, I was drowning in sorrow. German panzers have got the Brits surrounded. Tanks a lot. And terror in the skies. Stuka dive bombers, Heinkels, and oh fuck, Wolf 190. That was a great plane, the Focke-Wulf 190. I love Tom Hardy as an RAF pilot. Boy, could he spit fire. I guess you could say he was the Bane of the Luftwaffe. Anyway, for these poor souls on the beach, there's only one way out. That's right, Harry Styles. You're going in one direction, to the Engels Channel. So go see Dunkirk, because hope floats. I give it four stars. And that's the Critics' Corner.
JVL00:23:49Slow clap.
Vic00:23:50Slow clap, Gene. You're lucky I left out the joke about the Messerschmitt in a bowl of chili. Charlize Theron delivers a monster performance in David Leitch's Atomic Blonde. It's November 1989, and we're about to say Auf Wiedersehen to the Berlin Wall. But guten tag to Miss Theron, or should I say guten tight. She plays a spy named Lorraine Broughton, and nothing will stand in her way, so good luck walking past Checkpoint Charlize Theron. Lorraine must interrogate French spy Delphine LaSalle, ooh la la. Let's just say she doesn't beat around the bush, sapphicly speaking. And it doesn't take long before she has the French spy speaking in tongues. Midway through. I sort of fell asleep. Just after Charlize Theron finished interrogating the French spy. I don't know. I just got very sleepy watching Lorraine. I felt like I wanted to have a piece of quiche, Lorraine. Still, I give Atomic Blonde three stars. Ishpin ain't fan of this movie. And that's the Critics' Corner. Aloha was about as interesting as a bowl of poi. Which is to say it's not interesting at all. You'd be nuts to see it. Macadamia nuts, that is. Macadamia's from Hawaii. I don't get it. Yeah, it's from Hawaii. Gene. Let's just say at the box office, it wasn't the big kahuna. It had a lot of stars, but I give it no stars. And that's the Critics' Corner.
?00:25:54Mahalo.
Vic00:25:56Logan Lucky is a poor man's Ocean's Eleven. Don't get me wrong. I love Channing Tatum, who has to wrestle with his conscience. And Adam Driver plays his brother, an amputee who carries himself with reserve and dignity. Let's give this guy a hand. I'm joking. He really is an actor of the first order. Daniel Craig plays safecracker Joe Bang, and he gives a breakout performance that will leave you shaken, not stirred. Shifting gears, Logan Lucky doesn't fire on all pistons. The plot was hairy and confusing, much like my mustache. I give Logan Lucky two stars. Take me home to a place where I belong, my living room. And that's the Critics' Corner.
Sonny00:26:52That was good. Bravo, Gene.
Vic00:26:54I mean, Gene, I don't know what you were worried about. I was so distracted by the eclipse the other day. Oh. I was thinking about reviewing that. Yeah. You might as well be staring at the sun. It was so hot, it was like you were walking on the sun. Here comes the sun. Just... All right. All right. Get out of here.
?00:27:13Thank you, Gene. Get out of here. Thanks, Gene.
Vic00:27:16Sorry I'm late. Those gas lines are killer. But I'm pretty sure we'll solve our energy crisis soon, thanks to our new president, Jimmy Carter. Anyway, Close Encounters of the Third Kind is one of the best films of the year. I put it right up there with Capricorn One and Disney's The Rescuers. And unlike Star Wars, this movie doesn't take place in a galaxy far, far away. It's about an alien encounter right here in America. Now, the aliens are about the size of that little guy in that new TV show on ABC, Fantasy Island. Richard Dreyfuss gives a stellar performance. Move over, Duddy Kravitz. Noah Truffaut is magnifique. Talk about a French connection. Watching all the special effects, my eyes were like saucers, flying saucers. I give Close Encounters four stars. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a close encounter of my own with a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. That's the Critics' Corner. Summer 2049 is the fourth best movie I have ever seen, with the word "blade" in the title. The others being Blade Runner, Sling Blade, Blade with Wesley Snipes, and Zorro and the Gay Blade. That starred George Hamilton. Be careful of his sword, he'll stab you in the back, side. Harrison Ford reprises his role, but it's no solo act. He is joined by Ryan Gosling and Robin Wright, who is the first lady to be Ryan's boss at the LAPD. And believe me, she's no buttercup. There's even a cameo by Edward James Olmos, but he remains seated the entire time. I guess you could say he doesn't quite stand and deliver. Ana de Armas plays Gosling's computerized girlfriend, boy, would I like to insert my memory stick into that slot and download over to the desktop. So what's this movie about? What's this movie about? Apparently, a robot had a baby. If only this were real, you'd solve Japan's declining population problem. Think about it. Timely. Hashtag just saying. Anyway, I give Blade Runner 2049 four stars. And that's the Critics' Corner.
Sonny00:30:01Oh, look, Vic's gone. Bye, Vic.
Vic00:30:08Happy Halloween. Well, JVL, I guess congratulations to you on your sweet victory. Sonny thought it was in the bag. But poor Vic. Talk about candy crushed. Here's my draft picks. And I'm surprised nobody took these because these are the best picks ever. Ten. Number ten, in the spirit of Sonny Bunch's Anything King Size, number ten, anything by Brax Hard Candies. They're sweet, choking hazards. It's exciting. Number nine, Charleston Chew. You could do the Charleston and eat it, too.
Sonny00:30:51I'm sorry. What is Charleston Chew?
Vic00:30:53I don't even know what that is. There's a little marshmallow and chocolate inside. It's chewy like a taffy. It's like Easter and Halloween. So it's not like chewing tobacco. That's what I imagine when you say Charleston Chew. No, not at all, Sonny, not at all. Number eight, Zagnut, but it's kind of hard to find. A suitable substitute would have been Clark's. Number seven, Sunmade Raisins. Who doesn't love Sunmade Raisins, right, Sonny? Do you like it? I hate it. Bad. You say one more bad thing about Sunmade and I'll be mad. I'll be Raisin Hell. Number six, Necco Wafers. For when you want something that doesn't taste like anything at all. Number five, the candy bracelet made in China. Always tasty. Why does it have to be made in China? Because if you look at it, it is. Number four, Good & Plenty. Not to be confused with rat poison pellets. Okay. Number three, Payday. Because some people have chocolate allergies, so it's purely peanuts, and I guess no one is allergic to peanuts. Number two, Dots. The assorted fruit flavored gumdrops, an easy way to remove fillings, caps, and crowns. Chew on that. And number one, black licorice. How come you taste so good? Seriously. Unless you go black licorice, well, gotta go. Oh, bye, Gene. But I believe all of us saw Murder on the Orient Express. Yes.
Sonny00:32:45All four of us. All four of us. Yes.
Vic00:32:48Oh, no.
Sonny00:32:49Can we skip the big boy review? Yeah, let's go straight to Gene.
Vic00:32:51Let's go straight to Gene.
Sonny00:32:52Get to him and get him out of the way. Yeah. He's coming in. Get him in here. I saw him cooling his heels out there. I was hoping.
?00:32:58He's ready.
Sonny00:32:59Cut.
?00:33:00Here we go.
Vic00:33:01Murder on the Orient Express is a first-class murder mystery with an all-star cast, but it doesn't take long before this trip goes off the rails. Orient Express, more like Polar Express. Anyway, someone has been murdered on board under an avalanche of evidence. Inspector Hercules Poirot has to do the heavy lifting. Hercules, heavy lifting. He's played by Kenneth Branagh, who also directs. To be or not to be an actor-director, that is the question. Daisy Ridley offers a ray of hope with her forceful performance. She prefers her coffee black. Josh Gad is far from frozen in his role and dial M for Judi Dench. What a dame. But Michelle Pfeiffer will always be my girl for all seasons, a joke that only works if you've seen Grease 2. In the end, everyone is guilty of great performances. I give Murder on the Orient Express five stars.
Sonny00:34:22All aboard!
Vic00:34:27Very well done, Gene. Now it's time for the big boy review. Which of you? You saw it.
Sonny00:34:37We all saw it, right? We all saw it.
Vic00:34:39I think we all saw it.
Sonny00:34:40I think there may be a fourth... All four of us saw it.
?00:34:42A fourth person may have seen it.
Sonny00:34:43That's right, folks. Maybe. Maybe. The return of... Look, he's right outside the window right now. Oh my goodness. Come on in. Come on in, Gene.
Vic00:34:52In Darkest Hour, Gary Oldman, a consummate professional, plays Winston Churchill, Britain's mortal beloved prime minister. As Churchill, Oldman's not so smiley. He's mostly serious, black. But seriously, Oldman is the hero Hollywood deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Who I need right now is Lily James, the actress who plays Churchill's secretary. Boy, can she take dick. In fact, I'd like to ask her how my dick-tate skills are, because sometimes I talk too fast. No, no, no. I apologize. It's inappropriate, especially in light of what's happening in the industry. What's happening in the industry right now? No, no.
Sonny00:35:45Sonny, I can't talk about it, JVL. No, you should. Just what's going on? You have to tell our listeners what is happening. We don't get all the inside scoop like Gene.
Vic00:35:54I don't want to go down that dark hole. Things can get pretty hairy. It's a slippery slope. Let me just say one thing. One thing. Just one thing. Okay. If Bryan Singer invites you to a party on his boat, expect there to be loads of semen, because he can't sail that boat by himself.
Sonny00:36:11You mean the watch, right? That's our second reference to semen.
Vic00:36:15JVL's watch. Yes. Lots of those around. Well, anyway, I give Darkest Hour four stars. This isn't even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps the end of the beginning of this podcast. So, of course, we all saw The Last Jedi.
Sonny00:36:34All of us? All saw. All four of us?
Vic00:36:39Maybe.
?00:36:40Here it is.
JVL00:36:41Come on in.
Guest00:36:42Gene. Gene. Gene.
JVL00:36:45I wish I could do the Lucille Bluth. Gene. Gene. Gene Parmesan.
?00:36:49Gene Parmesan. Ah!
Vic00:36:51That was great. Is that it? That was great. That's it.
?00:36:55That's it.
Vic00:36:56That was great. Ahem. In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, the First Order is hunted. They're hunting down the Rebels. But where are they going? What are they doing? Talk about Rebels without a cause. Still, there are some stellar performances. Mark Hamill isn't just serious. He's a joker, too. Are we to trust Benicio Del Toro? He's not your usual suspect. And Carrie Fisher performed some death-defying acts.
Guest00:37:26Hmm.
Vic00:37:27Oh. That. Oh. What did I say? There's a lot of tension between Rey and Kylo Ren. Notice how she's always trying to grab his lightsaber. But I guess the real hero of this movie is BB-8. What can't that droid do? It repairs things and at one point blows a bunch of things up. Talk about droid rage. My favorite part of the movie: the porks. I can't wait to see these cuddly critters in their own movie. You could simply call it Critter. Critters. Or Porgy's 2: The Next Day. Or Porgy's Revenge. But I have to admit, the pork that Chewbacca roasts and almost eats looked pretty good to me. I guess you could say pork is the other white meat. I give Star Wars: The Last Jedi three stars. Merry Christmas everybody.
Sonny00:38:29That's definitely a victory.
JVL00:38:30That is such a victory. Did you see The Greatest Showman? Did Gene?
Sonny00:38:34Oh, here comes Gene! Gene!
JVL00:38:36Hey! Tweet at @VictorinoMattis. That was a good bit.
Vic00:38:45JVL, you did not see Hostiles. No. Sonny, you saw it.
Sonny00:38:51I did see it.
Vic00:38:52And I saw it too. Did you see it? What? Did anyone else see it?
Sonny00:38:56So I guess that means three of us saw it?
?00:38:59What?
Sonny00:39:00Oh, come on. Come on in, Gene.
Vic00:39:02Great sound effect.
Sonny00:39:03Vic, get the F out of that seat. Get out. All right. Sit down, Gene. Come on.
Vic00:39:09Move over, Vic. A group of guys backpacking through Europe are lured to a spa in the East. But this spa is no pleasure palace, a point they really drill into the first victim. Gene. Let's just say they really cut to the chase. Don't get me wrong. The spa is definitely into skincare. As in, how do we care for your skin in order to wear it as a coat? I can't even make a joke about what happened to the poor Japanese girl. Konichiwa? More like konichiwa happened to her eyeball. It's dangling all over her face. Hostile is one of the worst films I've ever seen. My advice to you, don't see this movie. It is torture. Zero stars.
Sonny00:39:52JVL, I think Gene saw Hostile, the Eli Roth movie, not Hostiles, the Scott Cooper movie.
Vic00:40:00Really? I suspected that, so I saw the other movie called Hostile 2. Women being tortured. One lady sits in a bathtub torturing a victim above her. Talk about a bloodbath. Zero stars.
Sonny00:40:16No, Gene.
Vic00:40:18Hostile 3, straight to video. They take a gamble in Las Vegas and lose.
Sonny00:40:25How many stars does that one get? Zero stars.
Vic00:40:28I need a vacation. Not to Slovakia. Bye-bye.
Sonny00:40:33Oh, boy. That's, well, you know.
JVL00:40:35For a man of his age, those movies are hard on the heart. Pretty intense. I can't believe that. That is terrible. Poor guy. I'm just happy he made it out alive. I was hoping Gene saw Fifty Shades.
Sonny00:40:52Come on in, Gene. Come sit down.
Vic00:40:54Hello. Uh, I meant to see the 1517 to Paris. But I walked into the wrong theater and saw Fifty Shades Freed instead. Yes! Talk about a stroke of luck. Fifty Shades is the titillating tale of master and servant. And, boy, does this master bait the servant. Christian Grey whips his new bride into shape, but Anastasia is a real ball buster herself. Pretty soon, she's the one straightening him out. There's intrigue and suspense. Who's the new girl? She looks so familiar. Christian is no doubt wondering, "I think I've come across that face before." It happened! It happened! Sonny finally spit out his whiskey. Let's see how many more puns I can squeeze out, Sonny. When Anastasia learns she's pregnant, will Christian give her the shaft? There's kidnapping and ransom. Let's just say the ending is a real eye-opener. I give Fifty Shades Freed five stars. Five out of four stars? Five out of four. Five. And then it went down to four, and then it went down to three. I'm sorry to miss the 1517 to Paris, but in Fifty Shades Freed, Christian Grey also flies to Paris. I'm pretty sure he took the red eye. Well, I guess I milked it for what it's worth. Time for me to pull the plug. Goodbye.
Sonny00:42:31Oh, that was good. I need a minute. That was the best ever.
Vic00:42:44JVL, did you see Death Wish?
Sonny00:42:46No.
Vic00:42:49Sonny?
Sonny00:42:50I did.
Vic00:42:51Yes.
Sonny00:42:52Did anybody else in the room watch Death Wish?
Vic00:42:56I saw Death Wish, and I think somebody else. Come on in.
Sonny00:43:04All right. Vic, you remember, you got to stand over there. It's been a couple weeks. All right. Come on, Gene.
Vic00:43:12Death Wish stars Bruce Willis, a doctor who's moonlighting as a die-hard vigilante. He used to be a law-abiding citizen. I guess you could call him the last Boy Scout. But his wife gets killed, and his daughter dies. And his father is left in a coma. So he goes after the killers, or at least the ones in striking distance. But those killers show a lot of nerve, sciatic nerve. There's also a great performance by Elizabeth Shue as the wife. And just like in Leaving Las Vegas, she gets an unexpected backdoor intruder.
Guest00:43:51Oh, no.
Vic00:43:54I give Death Wish four stars. And something tells me there will be a sequel. It makes perfect sense. Bye-bye. Gene. Gene. Isle of Dogs is about a boy in Japan who flies a plane zeroing in on an island landfill to look for his canine spot. Talk about a suicide mission. But seriously, this is no shaggy dog story. The boy is hounded by his uncle, who had kept him on a short leash. Luckily, the kid is joined by a group of dogs roving the countryside looking for his best friend. It's a sort of stop-motion-style Saving Private Ryan, or a doggy-style Saving Private Ryan, really. Speaking of which, there's a come-from-behind ending that will give you pause. I give Isle of Dogs four stars. You're going to lap it up.
JVL00:45:07Watching the girl from Game of Thrones, I had to do a little solo act myself.
Sonny00:45:12Well, this is the problem with Vic doing a Gene version of solo. It's just going to be a bunch of masturbation jokes.
JVL00:45:19Why do you say problem? JVL scaling the heights.
Vic00:45:26JVL, did you see it? I did not. That's pretty good, Sonny.
JVL00:45:29I did see it. I saw it too. Did anyone else see it? No.
Vic00:45:33Maybe. Okay. Somebody did see it. He's here.
JVL00:45:41In his farewell, his swan song. Gene! Sonny, you are better at the Lucille Bluth Gene. Can you give it to me? Gene!
Vic00:45:55Skyscraper stars The Rock, who plays a security specialist and amputee. Boy, is he hopping mad. His family is stuck at the top of a Hong Kong skyscraper when criminals turn it into a towering inferno. To save them, he has to go out on a limb. But save them he does. His family is so grateful to him. And what can he say except, "You're welcome." Also, I loved his wife, played by Nev Campbell. She's a screamer. If polygamy were legal, I'd marry her too. But then we'd be a party of five. I'd give Skyscraper four stars. Bye bye.
Sonny00:46:41Wait, who were the other three? My family. I'm talking about my family. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Gene would be from a family of four.
Vic00:46:47I gotcha.
Sonny00:46:48I have two kids. And then another wife, a second wife, would be a party of five. That would be five.
Vic00:46:52Oh, yes. Thank you. Good. And Sonny, you obviously saw it. I saw it. Did anyone else see it? Quite possibly. Yes! Okay.
JVL00:47:07Can we do it now?
Vic00:47:14Mission Impossible: Fallout is impossible not to love. The IMF team is searching for a case of plutonium. They battle so many terrorists around the world, they might as well call it Battlefield Earth. Which Tom Cruise was not in. Cavill does a super job as a CIA assassin. Boy, can he fly. A helicopter. But then Tom Cruise rams him from behind. Bet he didn't see that coming. Poor Henry gets sprayed all over his face and it burns. That's jet fuel for ya. Does Cruise survive? Let's just say you'll find Himalayan in the snow. Himalayan in the snow. I give Mission: Impossible Fallout four stars. You'll be falling out of your seat. Well, your Gene, if I may say so, he kind of came off sounding like a perv. And that's not Gene.
Sonny00:48:20That's not Gene.
Vic00:48:21That's not the Gene we know. There's more nuance to Gene than that.
Sonny00:48:30What do you think we're going to get away with that, Vic? Do you think people are going to put up with that from us?
Vic00:48:40I don't know. Do you think people are even listening at this point? This is what I'm curious. I'm curious.
Sonny00:48:44Because I wanted to say of my correction, I finally have a correction. After all these years, after hundreds of years of doing The Substandard—
Vic00:48:51There is an actual Sonny Bunch correction.
Sonny00:48:53I have a correction. But I'm going to stick it here at the end where nobody's going to listen to it. That way we can— It works both ways for you. Okay. Go for it. Now, I remember last week I had talked about my dog getting stuck in the glue trap and I had to clean her off. Yes. I had said that I used palm to clean—thinking of palm olive. Yes. But it was not palm. It was Dawn. Dawn. Dawn Palm.
Vic00:49:18They sound very similar. They sound very— It's in the blue bottle. Yeah. They're all the same.
JVL00:49:23It looks the same to me.
Sonny00:49:24All dish detergents or whatever are the same.
Vic00:49:27It's all— It's the same way. You could put your fingernails in the— Dawn or the palm olive and you're—and it'll take the nail polish away.
Sonny00:49:34I guess. I don't know. Like Madge did— So. —back in the '70s. So anyway, my mistake, I had—correct—correction, Sonny Bunch correction, it was Dawn.
Vic00:49:45But no one will ever know because they never made it this far.
Sonny00:49:47Yeah. Okay. And that's why it is fine. And that's all the time we're giving to this episode. Wait, what are we doing? What? What?
Vic00:49:58I thought that was—I thought these were the outtakes. Oh, no. No, no. This is it. This is it. Okay. Well, I have— Say goodbye. All right. I'm sure it's fine. Wait. Did you have something? Do you have something? I had one thought. All right. All right. Go on. Go on. Okay. And the only thing, my thought is at the end of my weekend, I'm getting a new car. Oh. But it's just the—it's a new car, same as the old. I am on the lease. My three years is up on my Subaru, and I'm getting a new Subaru because I'm that kind of a person. I like Subarus because, you know, I'm just curious. I'm curious. You're going to go do some backpacking? I—you know what? Sometimes I like to go regular— You're going to play some softball? —driving. Sometimes I go all-wheel drive. You like to go both ways. I like to go both ways. Yeah. That makes sense. I'm sure it's fun. So after Vic and I got done taping this episode and after I spent hours and hours editing it and putting it together in the secret free beacon editing offices, who decided to get his shit together?
Sonny00:50:39Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:50:40Who decided to get his shit together? Yeah. Who decided to get his shit together?
Sonny00:50:43Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:51:25Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:51:37Who decided to get his shit together?
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?00:51:58Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:51:59Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:52:01Who decided to get his shit together?
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?00:52:07Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
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?00:52:31Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:52:32Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
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Guest00:52:46Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:52:57Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
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?00:53:28Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:53:29Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:53:37Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:53:38Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:54:03Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:54:04Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:54:30Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
Guest00:54:32Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
?00:54:43Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together? Who decided to get his shit together?
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