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#126. The Substandard on Hockey, Soccer, and Parades!
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Dudes Chatting — the Stanley Cup parade and the 2026 World Cup: Micro-episode. The Washington Capitals won the Stanley Cup and held a parade on Tuesday; JVL's commute took three hours (left at 8am, street closures started at 9am). JVL declares parades "a garbage celebration by garbage people for a garbage sport in a garbage town"; Sonny and Vic are pro-parade. Alex Ovechkin chugging from the Cup in Vegas is universally appreciated. The 2026 FIFA World Cup has just been awarded to North America (joint US/Mexico/Canada bid). JVL wrote a Weekly Standard piece about soccer scolds sixteen years ago and stands by it; Sonny grew up in England as a Liverpool supporter and makes his case for the World Cup on the grounds that watching the US beat teams that actually care about soccer is inherently satisfying.
Full transcript
Vic00:00:00Hello, and welcome to another micro-episode of The Substandard, sponsored by The Black Tux. Wedding season is upon us. You're going to be doing it big and going out to all of your buddies' weddings. When you're bringing a date, you want to look fresh, but it has to be convenient. That's where TheBlackTux.com comes in. The Black Tux is awesome suits and tuxedos in all kinds of styles, and you rent them online. To get $20 off your purchase, visit TheBlackTux.com slash substandard. That's TheBlackTux.com slash substandard for $20 off your purchase. The Black Tux premium rental suits and tuxedos delivered. I'm Victor Matus, along with Sonny Bunch and Jonathan V. Last. Just a quick reminder, full episodes of The Substandard are available every Thursday at 11 a.m. So on Tuesday, we had the big parade to celebrate the Washington Capitals. Winning the Stanley Cup. A first for the 44-year-old franchise. Who doesn't love parades? How great was that, JVL? Three hours.
JVL00:01:06Three hours? It took me three hours to get to work, which doesn't sound so bad. Well, that sounds pretty bad. Three hours is a long time. It only took an hour for me to get from my place in the hinterlands of Virginia to the Pentagon. From the Pentagon to the offices of The Weekly Standard, which I believe is under three miles. Sounds about right. As the crow flies.
Sonny00:01:30Two hours. Two hours. You should have just come to the free beacon. We would have put you up at Roslyn for the day.
Vic00:01:37Yeah.
JVL00:01:38I should have. What time? As Allen Iverson once said, we talking about hockey? Not a game. Not a game. We talking about hockey. Hockey parade. Not a sport.
Vic00:01:52Hockey. Oh, shots fired. To why is hockey not a sport? Because I do think that it's physically rigorous. My question to you is, what time did you leave? You probably left at a bad time. You're normally here at 5 a.m.
JVL00:02:06I normally am. It was a late break. I left at 8, thinking that-
Vic00:02:13Oh, well, that's like the heart of rush hour.
JVL00:02:15But this is what I'm saying. The rush hour portion of this was the hour from my house to the Pentagon. Because I thought, I figured for that, and I knew there was a parade. And I thought, the parade won't be starting preparations and street closings at 9 o'clock in the morning, because that would be insane. Who would start street closures for a midday parade at 9 o'clock in the morning, knowing full well that the nation's capital rush hour stretches well into 10 o'clock? That would be D.C. Metro Police. So, anyway, as you were saying, I, for one-
Sonny00:02:50Oh, Sonny. Parade's delightful. Oh, come on. I like the joy.
JVL00:02:54You hate people. I like the joy. You hate joy. You hate happiness. I like- There is nothing- This is you.
Sonny00:02:59The only thing you would like worse than parades is a parade on a beach. I like- Well, obviously, I would never go to a parade on a beach. That's just silly. But a parade just of people coming together to spontaneously celebrate their joy and amuse- Yeah. When I was driving into- Here's my experience driving into the city on Tuesday. Ooh, let me hear yours, Sonny. I was on Route 50, and there was no traffic whatsoever. And I saw three giant big rig style trucks, Budweiser trucks, convoying into the city to bring more joy, liquid joy, liquid joy and happiness to the people. So I, for one, love a good parade. I am excited for Donald Trump's military parades.
Vic00:03:39Oh, yes. They're going to shut down the streets and- Once a month.
Sonny00:03:42Put the tanks in there. We're going to get to clap at the big missiles.
Vic00:03:45They might have the parade around 9 a.m.
Sonny00:03:47Look, I'm pro-parade. I'm pro-people being buoyant and ebullient about their hockey team, which is- The best of the sports. Celebrating their Stanley Cup. Obviously, hockey is not the best of the sports, but I will say that the Stanley Cup celebrations, which as far as I can tell, have involved the Capitals players having a BAC above .3 for the last two weeks.
Vic00:04:18Every shot you see is Alex Ovechkin drinking from the cup.
Sonny00:04:22Alex Ovechkin just chugging booze and just getting-
Vic00:04:25Getting hammered. I wanted to be ... I believe it's Adam Kilgore, perhaps, from The Post, who followed them around Vegas after they won- Yeah.
Sonny00:04:34I mean, that would be fun. ... going to Hakkasan. Yeah. I believe. That sounded like a good time. Did they take the club to Sapphire?
Vic00:04:40Did they take the- You know, that was not mentioned, and I don't know where ... What is that? I don't know. What is Sapphire? What is Sapphire?
Sonny00:04:46That must be like a diner or something. I don't know. It's a fancy steakhouse. It's a fancy steakhouse. It's as good ... It's even better than the other steakhouse, Olympic Gardens. They have good meat? Yes. They have some specials. But the Stanley Cup celebrations themselves are far more entertaining than hockey, which is ice soccer. It's just ice soccer.
JVL00:05:04Really? They were entertaining? I saw a whole bunch of police horses and no one punching them. Well, that's because we're not savages. No one punching the horses. We're not savages here in the North.
Vic00:05:12All right. There were no burning cars. There were no burning ... Did anybody climb greased light poles? No.
JVL00:05:18This was a garbage celebration by garbage people for a garbage sport in a garbage town.
Vic00:05:22Okay. Well, Captain Bill Dwyer and his family thank you because they were at the purpose. They were at the parade. Can I do a parade? They were there. Sorry. I'm a little bit hot there.
Sonny00:05:30Yeah, you're hot. You're like yelling into the mic.
Vic00:05:32When you re-plug me into the dongle, we won't explain what that means, weird things
Sonny00:05:36happened. All right.
Vic00:05:38I think you're a little bit better now because you were just ...
JVL00:05:40I'm barely hearing Vic at all. Yeah. See?
Sonny00:05:43I'll turn it back up a little bit. It's the dongle. Maybe it's because you're screaming. You're screaming into the microphone.
JVL00:05:47He can barely hear me. Oh my God. Okay. Well, now I hear you fine. Now you sound good. Okay. Good. Good.
Vic00:05:55You're going to be in the parade up on the bus waving to people, being adored.
JVL00:05:59I have never been-
Vic00:06:00Saluted. Yes. As you know. I've never been in a parade. One of my favorite parades actually was in Germany.
?00:06:06No.
Vic00:06:07You're kidding. Yes. No. It was during Fasching, which is another name for carnival. It was in a town where my host parents were. It was a great rally. I mean parade. It was a great parade. Was it by a beer hall? There might have been a ... They would come by. They would say ... Everyone was drinking. I remember drinking a bottle of champagne, sharing it with some old German lady who I didn't know, but it's in the small town. Everybody's having a great time. They would throw candy on you, so people would be yelling, "Give us candy," and then they throw the hard candy, and you're being pelted. Everyone's like, "No, but yes." The one weird thing- No, but yes. No, but yes. I want the candy. It's a big matter story. The one weird thing in the German parade- Do you remember the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Indiana Jones has to go to Berlin to retrieve the journal- And Hitler signs it? And Hitler signs it. Yes, that scene. The song that they play in that scene, they played it at the parade, so I said, "Oh, it must be just an old traditional thing." Traditional. Yes, yes. An old traditional Nazi tune. No. Marching tune. It's a good marching tune. Good German marching tune. Okay. A little bit of a march. Good things happen when Germans march. Let's move on to soccer. On the march. What is happening in soccer? You tell me. What's going on? The World Cup starts- Oh, yes. ... tomorrow. But Washington, D.C. is in the news. I mean, the United States is in the news for World Cup because we are-
JVL00:07:33We are now getting a World Cup in 2026, much to the consternation of the rest of the world. But it's also a weird- North America. Right.
Sonny00:07:43They can't just give it to us. It's North America. Right. It's not the United States like back in '94. Right. It's the United States plus Mexico plus Canada.
JVL00:07:49Right. Which I consider-
Sonny00:07:51First ever Continental Cup. Which I consider a slap in the face of America. That's what it is. That's how it's intended. It's a clear insult.
JVL00:07:57But also- America ought to say, "No, we don't want your garbage soccer."
Sonny00:08:00I'm actually kind of excited for this because I want to hear what the U.S. men's national team at the World Cup this year, in a couple weeks, thinks about-
Vic00:08:09That's the reason why I'm not watching it.
Sonny00:08:11... thinks about the World Cup coming back to America. I need to know what our boys over in Russia at the World Cup think about- Oh, Sonny. ... the thing. Sonny.
JVL00:08:21Yeah. So I wrote- Failures. JVL. I wrote this morning that I wrote 16 years ago, 16 years ago on the occasion of the World Cup, which is one of the more highly trafficked pieces we've run at The Weekly Standard, is the ritual attack of the soccer scolds. And I realized that what I hate about World Cup soccer is the culture war aspect of it, where the people on the left use it as an occasion to beat up anybody who doesn't pretend to love soccer. And then the people on the right make a big show of, "I'm not going to watch because it's not a real sport." And the truth is I don't like soccer all that much, but I like World Cup soccer because it's stakes. And that's all that's important. I'll watch Olympic curling, Olympic luge, I don't give a crap about curling or luge or any of these winter sports, but I'll watch it every four years because the people who are participating in it really care and it means a lot to them. And the human drama of it is what makes sport interesting. And the World Cup has that. And so I feel like we can enjoy it so long as the people on the left will just shut up about it.
Sonny00:09:25So this is basically my brief for the World Cup. I'm a pervert who actually enjoys soccer.
JVL00:09:31You used to watch Premier League. Is this because when you were over there? I grew up in England. You grew up in England.
Sonny00:09:35I grew up in England. And we would watch, I would watch the Premier League every week. Were you a young hooligan? No, I was never really a hooligan. I was just, I was kind of, I was like, as far as soccer fans go, I was a pretty casual soccer fan. But still, I was into it and would watch it. Question, did you have a team, Liverpool, Manchester? Liverpool. I was a Liverpool. I was in Ipswich. But this was before Ipswich, like, bumped up to the Premier League. There was a couple years where Ipswich was not only in the Premier League, but like, was in the UEFA Cup, which is a big deal in Europe. But like, but the, but the, but this was back when they were a very solid second division team. This was actually before there was even a premiership. It was still the first, first division.
JVL00:10:16You, well, I can't help you with that, Vic.
Sonny00:10:18It's not my fault your headphones are broken. Because they've been stretched out so wide.
Vic00:10:23Yeah, I know. The beacon.
Sonny00:10:25Go ahead. But, but my case, my brief for the World Cup for U.S. soccer fans is, it's, it's actually kind of a culture war type case. It's basically, we, it's fun, it's fun to watch the U.S., and it's fun to watch the U.S. do well. Not so much because it's fun to watch, you know, good soccer or us win at soccer or whatever, but because of how upset the rest of the world gets when we do well. Like we, you know, it was, it was, it was, so what, four years ago the big thing was Ghana, I think. You know, Ghana had knocked us out the previous year. Yeah. And we had a rematch in the, you know, blah, and they were talking about. And they knocked us out again. And, and no, but we, we destroyed Ghana, and we beat them, and we sent them home crying. And the, the best thing about this is nobody in America really cares, but everybody in Ghana cares. Everybody in Ghana is like upset that they lost. And so I, the thing I love most about the World Cup is that the U.S. does marginally well at it. Nobody really cares. And every time we defeat a nation that actually really, really cares about soccer, they go into hysterics and get sad and blah, but yeah, it's just another day. They go into the subway. You know, you go to the subway instead of the McDonald's, eh, who cares? I'm sure it's fine.
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