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#106. The Substandard Meat Lovers Episode
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Dudes Chatting — JVL goes carnivore: A micro-episode built around JVL's surprising dietary revelation: despite being a longtime vegetarian, he has adopted an all-meat, zero-carb diet in an effort to lose weight. He arrives at the studio bearing Duke's sausages and jerky as props. JVL explains the logic — eliminating carbs and relying on meat-based protein has produced results — while acknowledging the ideological dissonance of a vegetarian eating only meat. Sonny and Vic probe the contradiction gleefully. JVL admits what he misses most: croissants and, somewhat embarrassingly, tofu. The episode is a single extended riff on the absurdity of the situation.
Full transcript
Vic00:00:00Hello, and welcome to another micro-episode of The Substandard, brought to you by Casper Mattresses. Casper's a sleep brand that makes expertly designed products to help you get your best rest one night at a time. All Casper products are designed, developed, and assembled in the U.S., and prices are affordable because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to you. Plus, there's a 100-night risk-free sleep-on-it trial. Get $50 toward select mattresses by visiting casper.com slash substandard and using promo code substandard at checkout. That's casper.com slash substandard, and use promo code substandard for $50 off select mattresses. Terms and conditions apply. I'm Victor Matus, along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. Just a quick reminder, full episodes of The Substandard are available almost every Thursday at 11. 8 a.m. Gentlemen, we are back, and I feel like we should probably save for the main episode why we were gone and what we were doing and jump right into this. Oscars.
JVL00:01:10We're going to talk Oscars.
Vic00:01:11Is that what this is? Everybody wants to talk about Oscars. Yes. You know, you insisted we have a mystery micro, so if this bombs, it's on you. Normally, we have notes. Yes, we prepare for these things, but I have no notes, so we're walking into this blind. JVL, go. Guys. Guys. JVL, I want to talk.
JVL00:01:31I've made a lifestyle change. Uh-oh. I want us all to be able to talk about it together.
Vic00:01:35I always knew, by the way. I always knew, but go ahead.
JVL00:01:38For the last 48 hours, the only thing I've put into my body is meat.
Vic00:01:44Whoa. This is exciting.
JVL00:01:46Murder meat.
Vic00:01:47Murder meat? Are you doing a, what do you call it? Not, what do you call that? Paleo? Paleo. Doing a paleo? Is that what they call it now? You strictly meat, no vegetables already, no carbs, strictly meat.
JVL00:01:58I have cut. I have cut carbs out of my diet 100%, and I have been-
Sonny00:02:04100?
JVL00:02:05Basically 100%, and I have been trying to subsidize it with vegetables and other things, but for the last 48 hours, murder meat. Literally nothing but murder meat. For breakfast, I do a couple bangers in the mouth. Sorry, you- Bangers in the mouth?
Sonny00:02:22Do you have any mash with it or just bangers?
JVL00:02:24You guys just call it sausage in the mouth here in the States, right? I do a couple sausages in the mouth. Uh-huh, yeah. For lunch, I do jerky, and for dinner, I bring steak or burgers or some hot beef injections of all-beef hot dogs.
Sonny00:02:39And I've also been having- So wait, is it all red meat? Is it only red meat?
Vic00:02:42Pork, chicken. Look at this. You're actually having-
Sonny00:02:46Dukes. If we could get Dukes as a sponsor.
JVL00:02:50Tell us about it, JVL. Tell us about it. So all of this is handed to me by our buddy, Jason O'Connell, my watch. Yeah. My watch Thelma and Louise, little shorty sausages. Would you like one? No. They are so good.
Sonny00:03:04Okay, I'll try one.
JVL00:03:05So good. There's also some really great jerky in there, if you want it. And I feel terrible about this. I mean, to be clear- Remember- All of my vegetarian sensibilities are entirely intact- JVL, we were- But they're now commingled with my Catholic guilt.
Vic00:03:17As my friend Michael Ruhlman would say, the human body has evolved to process most properly meat over millennia. Number one. Number two, these animals died already. Don't let it die in vain by just hanging in a bag. And be thrown away and wasted. Don't waste the meat. All right, I'm going to try this as well. I'm reaching into your bag of meat. Yeah, take my sausage. Meat bag.
Sonny00:03:36Sorry, I can't even-
JVL00:03:37That's the jerky, which is from the- Can you guys hear me chewing under the mic? No, not really. That jerky, which is not the sausage. Try the jerky. You'll love it.
Vic00:03:47It smells like Slim Jim, but Slim Jim is my choice of jerky. No, but here's the sausage. Have some sausage. No, no, I'm going to have the jerky first. Try both. Oh, I'll get it later on.
JVL00:03:53So the jerky is from Steve Hayes' Favorite Butcher. He says it's the greatest butcher shop in the minute. It's in the Atlantic region. Where is it? Where is this place? Out in Bumble F, Maryland, somewhere.
Sonny00:04:05You can say Bumble F. It's fine. I can beep it.
Vic00:04:07The jerky tastes great, but I cannot tear it apart.
JVL00:04:10Out in Bumble F, Maryland. I can't.
Vic00:04:12Well, you're supposed to tear it, don't you? But you'll break your teeth from it.
JVL00:04:14You tear it in strips. You tear it in strips. And he bought me- When I was over at his house the other day, my boss brought me like $40 worth of meat, and it was amazing. And I've already blown through all of it but a couple of the steaks. Question. Yeah, I'm so happy for you.
Sonny00:04:30When did you make this lifestyle change? I'm really happy. We haven't been here for- A month ago.
JVL00:04:34You didn't- A month ago.
Sonny00:04:36We taped shows before that. Yep. Why didn't you tell us?
JVL00:04:39I don't like talking about my flair.
Sonny00:04:41Question. Yes. I have many. Question. Sonny. So, it seems to me that you are mostly focusing on red meats. I didn't hear any chicken. Pork. Or pork. Chicken or pork. I have eaten chicken. This is what I'm saying, over the last 48 hours has been like the meat fest. Just, just, just red.
JVL00:04:56I have been my own private-
Sonny00:04:58Arby's. Question. I have the meats. You have the meats. Question. When are we going to Fogo to chow?
Vic00:05:03Oh, yeah.
Sonny00:05:04To just chow down on-
Vic00:05:05That would be something else. Brazilian steakhouse meats. Don't even flip it over. Just leave it up the card. Just green.
JVL00:05:11Keep on coming. Just green. Want that meat delivered to the table. I don't really like it, to be honest. It doesn't taste especially good to me. I don't appreciate any of this. This is all- What, the meat? Yeah, I mean, it's fine. But I'm doing this so that I don't die.
Vic00:05:22What about, yes, because you were not meant to-
JVL00:05:24Why did you, why did, so what was the impetus for this change? Well, over the last 18 months, I've put on, as you probably have noticed, an enormous amount of weight.
Vic00:05:32We only talk about that on other podcasts. We don't talk about it in this podcast, so don't worry about it. Okay.
Sonny00:05:38I did not notice that. And it's because, why, what did you say?
JVL00:05:41Well, I don't know. It's hard to figure out what happened 18 months ago and then nine months ago. I mean, I'm sure something happened in my life to change these things.
Vic00:05:49But in terms of your eating, what do you think was attributed, what do you attribute the- It wasn't the eating that changed. It was just the general-
JVL00:05:56It was the fact that I've been sleeping for four hours a night for a year and a half and commingled with never being able to go to the gym or go running, essentially. And that these things, when you are of a certain age, just take your toll. And so this is not forever. My murder meat spree, I'm now a spree murder meter, murder meat killer. And hopefully this will last until I get back to where I was like literally 18 months ago. Question. Yes. How well has Shannon been taking this?
Vic00:06:26Oh, that's a good question.
JVL00:06:27I mean, does she cry when she sees me eating dead animals? Does she tear up a little bit?
Sonny00:06:33Does it kill her inside every time you eat an egg?
JVL00:06:35No, she's been very supportive because, you know, frankly, she would like me to not be super fat.
Vic00:06:39Do you think you're getting super fat also, excuse me, as I have a mouth full of jerky in my mouth? Because you're eating a lot of pasta and carbs.
JVL00:06:48No, my diet has not changed. I don't eat a ton of pasta even before all this. Because there are large vegetarians out there. I just want to point that out. Not every vegetarian is fat.
Sonny00:06:57Disgusting people, really.
JVL00:06:58No, but this is just, look, this is what happens when you are stressing, when you eat to stay awake, which is something I often do because I'm working until like 1 o'clock in the morning and then I'm back awake working again at 4 o'clock in the morning. And so when you do that, plus you don't sleep, plus you don't exercise and you're 40 years old, this is what happens. So this is all, it's just for a moment. Question. As soon as I am back down to my normal fighting weight, then I'm going to go back on the diet. Question.
Sonny00:07:24Then I'm going to go back on the tofu. Question. Sonny, has your watch noticed what you've been doing to yourself and to the animal kingdom? My watches are very supportive of my lifestyle choices.
Vic00:07:34I'm sure they are. Do you question what about bacon? You really, like when you smell bacon. You really need to work on your questioning, Sonny. Yeah, I do. This is really a Sonny skill. But when you, I just have a lot of thoughts here. Like when you smell bacon, even when you weren't eating it, does your body, this is a question I have for other viewers. Does my body react? Does your body say, "Oh, that's a good smell," or, "Oh my gosh, that's disgusting smell." No, bacon's a good smell.
JVL00:07:59And bacon's one of the few things that I like. Yeah. But like I don't enjoy. You like hot dogs in a ballpark, don't you? Yeah, in a ballpark, I would say. But that's an atmosphere as much as anything else.
Vic00:08:09I like having steak at a steakhouse atmosphere myself. Yeah.
JVL00:08:13I don't especially love steak. The truth is, I'm much happier just having some fried tofu.
Sonny00:08:17Maybe you just need a good steak. Serious question. I have great steak. Serious question. How has your GI tract reacted to these? It's a good question. The influx of red meats and other meats.
JVL00:08:25Seriously? Yeah. Seriously? Has there been any- No difference, really. No difference. You didn't have any sort of like- I've lost a- It's also that it collapsed.
Sonny00:08:34I've lost a ton of weight already. Really? Yeah. Do you find yourself less hungry because you're eating more meat?
Vic00:08:40No.
JVL00:08:41Protein?
Vic00:08:42No. Constantly hungry. Do you miss the chickpeas and the other faux proteins out there? Lentils?
JVL00:08:48Lentils? I miss the lentils. I miss the lentils. I miss the tofu. Oh, you do. Mm-hmm. Question. Question. You know what I miss? You know what I miss? Yeah. Give me right down the time here. I want a croissant so bad I can't even explain it to you, because my morning ... I'm a civilized human being, and even though I'm in front of my computer at five and sometimes four o'clock in the morning, all I want is an espresso, a little thing of very nice, plain Greek yogurt, and a croissant, because that is what civilized people do in the mornings, and I can't have it. And that drives me crazy. Are you- That's been the single hardest part of this-
?00:09:22Are you-
JVL00:09:22I'm not having a croissant with my-
Sonny00:09:23Are you still going to have tofurkey at Thanksgiving? Oh.
JVL00:09:27By next Thanksgiving, I will be ... Two months from now, I will not be doing this anymore.
?00:09:31I ...
Sonny00:09:32So wait, you started eating meat for Lent?
Vic00:09:36Yeah, that's funny.
JVL00:09:38Basically. Almost exactly.
?00:09:41Mm-hmm.
JVL00:09:42Yes. So for me, that's a sacrifice. My Lenten sacrifice, I've given up the real food that I enjoy.
Vic00:09:49You gave up tofu ... He gave up tofu for Lent. There's something perverse about all this. How about quinoa? I gave up quinoa. I gave up quinoa, kale, and tofu. Yeah. Oh, how about dairy?
JVL00:09:58Cheese? Cheese, you can have.
Vic00:10:00Cheese is good. Milk is less good. So the only problem is pizza, of course, because-
JVL00:10:03No pizza. ... the rest of the pizza- That kills me. Right? Right. The thing I like most in the world is pizza baked on those little naans. Yeah.
Vic00:10:10Can't have them. Sonny is squinting, and I don't even know if I want to know. Maybe we should just move on.
Sonny00:10:15Okay. Well, yeah. We should probably wrap it up here. Okay. But let me ask-
Vic00:10:20Congratulations.
Sonny00:10:21Thank you. Thank you, Emily. Welcome to civilization. One last question. Question. Is it fine? It's not fine.
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