← all The Weekly Substandard episodes
#102. The Substandard on Lent
Listen to this episode ↗on Substack, where the show lives now
Dudes Chatting — Lenten sacrifices: A micro-episode centered on Ash Wednesday and the Catholic tradition of Lenten giving-up. JVL reveals he has sacrificed Schäfferhofer grapefruit beer, which he describes as his great daily pleasure, and he is suffering. Vic gave up "gluttony" in the abstract — no snacks, no desserts — but immediately reveals he carved out an exemption for a trip to the Palm steakhouse, reasoning that a proper steakhouse dinner is not gluttony but an occasion. Sonny interrogates the loophole mercilessly. The conversation broadens to Ash Wednesday observance, the theology of sacrifice versus penance, and JVL's grudging admission that the discipline is the point.
Full transcript
Vic00:00:00Hello, and welcome to another micro episode of The Substandard sponsored by Tripping.com. I'm Victorino Matus along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. Just a quick reminder, full episodes of The Substandard are available every Thursday at 11:00 AM. Gentlemen, how are we doing? Great. Sonny, rather JVL. It's that time of the year.
Sonny00:00:31Why did you say not Sonny? You're saying I don't celebrate this time of year?
Vic00:00:35I don't think you're a Lenten kind of guy. I just didn't think you're a Lenten kind of guy and I thought this episode might be a little bit of a ... I don't know if Protestants actually do Lent. Do they do Lenten sacrifices or is that just a Catholic thing?
JVL00:00:48You know, I have some Protestant friends who do it.
Vic00:00:51I've always been confused by that.
JVL00:00:53I don't know why. In the same way that I have Protestant friends who go to Ash Wednesday services. Yes.
Vic00:00:57I've heard about ... At Catholic churches.
JVL00:00:58Oh. That's okay. Well, okay. Like you just show up to get the ashes from them.
Vic00:01:02Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes. I know. Well, I mean, if you go to Ash Wednesday ... And I don't always go to the Ash Wednesday Mass. This is a Catholic episode. Sorry, Sonny. I hate to spring this on you. But I don't always go to the Ash Wednesday Mass because it's not a holy day of obligation. You don't have to go. You don't. It's not a holy day. I mean, it's like, "Hey, look at me."
Sonny00:01:19You know?
Vic00:01:20God probably doesn't care. But I think he's okay with it. But there's so many people ... I went this past Ash Wednesday and the place was packed
?00:01:27with people.
Vic00:01:28I will never see again. Never. Just like, "Hey!" Just getting my ashes so I can go around and say, "Look at me!" You know? And it's like the exact opposite of what it should be.
JVL00:01:37You know what? I don't know about you. It's not in the spirit of it. So I like the Ash Wednesday service here at the Cathedral in the city. My parish out in the Exurbs ... It's a long one. The Ash Wednesday service is like three hours long because they bring out two priests with the ashes for everybody. You gotta get double ash?
Vic00:01:53That's it. What do you mean? No, I'm saying ... Oh, there's only two. I'm saying there are only two priests.
JVL00:01:57They allow like 600 people to ... They don't do the Eucharistic ministers. So the line to get ... Oh, I should tell my father-in-law. It's almost as bad as Good Friday.
Sonny00:02:07You actually said something that was kind of interesting that I want to just circle back to. Yes, sonny. That people get the ... So the ash is supposed to be like a sign of ... You will return to ashes. But also of being a ... Not a common person ... What am I trying to think of here?
JVL00:02:27Like a ... Not a heathen? No. It's the religious equivalent of bumper nuts.
Sonny00:02:31No, but I'm trying to think of ... No, like the penitent. Like you're penitent. Right. Yes. But it's actually in DC and probably some other places, it's kind of a showy thing, right? It's like, "Oh, look at this.
Vic00:02:45Look at me. I'm wearing ash." Well, I always found it funny because in the gospel, they always talk about if you're fasting, don't show ... Walk around, it's like, "Oh, I'm so ... I'm fasting, everybody. Look at me. Look at who is me." Instead, look your best.
Sonny00:02:59Act like you've been there before. What?
Vic00:03:01Act like you've been there before. Act like you've been there before. And the ash thing is sort of like, "Okay, well, look at me. Oh." I mean, I'm obviously wrong about this because everybody does this. Do you remember the Ted Turner thing, like 20 years ago? Do you know what happened there?
JVL00:03:15He was in the news booth at CNN, and there was some faceless producer with ash. Oh, no. He was like, "Hey, you got dirt on your forehead. What's that?" I do remember that.
Vic00:03:24It was a whole thing. Yeah, that was really awkward. And then, of course, the other aspect of Lent, of course, is the Lenten sacrifice. Does it have to be a sacrifice, or can it be ... Welcome to the EWTN podcast, by the way. Questions with Jonathan V. Last. Can it be just you're doing good works, or it always has to be giving up something? No, it can't be just doing good works. I knew you'd have the answer. You have to feel pain. Yeah.
JVL00:03:48Well, I have felt pain. Sonny, what did you give up for Lent? Did you give up being right?
Sonny00:03:51No, I gave up goat sacrifices. I gave up sacrifices on the devil. To the devil's altar. Oh, that's good. To Satan. To Baal. Is that what I'm supposed to do?
JVL00:04:01I don't know. The golden calf. It depends. Do you love your goat sacrifices? Because if you love them, then giving them up is a good Lenten sacrifice.
Sonny00:04:07Yeah. Well, I mean, where else am I going to get all my goat meat?
Vic00:04:12It has to be in the spirit. Just like on Fridays and on Ash Wednesday, when you give up meat, and it's like, "Oh, I'm giving up. I'm giving up. I can't have meat for Lent. I'm going to have the lobster Thermidor."
Sonny00:04:21Yeah, but that was such ... That's always been such ... I would always ...
Vic00:04:23Have the lobster salad, please.
Sonny00:04:25I would always put the lobster. Yes. Please. I would always ... I would make fun of my friends who'd be like, "Oh, I have to give up meat. I'm just going to get fish filet sandwiches from McDonald's." Those are delicious. Fish filet sandwiches at McDonald's. Those are delicious.
Vic00:04:36As our president calls them, the fish delight.
Sonny00:04:38Yes. The fish delight.
JVL00:04:40The fish delight is tasty. But you have to feel it. Fish Friday is real. McDonald's would run ads. But they wouldn't actually say. Hey, there's something weird going on.
Vic00:04:46But we call them the fish faithful. Right. The fish faithful. They wouldn't tell you why. Is that a thing? Yes. Yes. This was in the ad copy for McDonald's. Around this time of year, mysteriously, fish specials on Friday. But, of course, my father-in-law, he doesn't eat meat on Friday. All year long. All year long. That's all pre-Vatican. Because he's a Taliban. Catholic. Yes. He's pre-Vatican, too. Anyway, so what about you, JVL?
JVL00:05:11I mean, if we could be serious for a moment.
Vic00:05:13Yeah.
JVL00:05:14Yeah. Of course. Oh, okay.
?00:05:17Sure.
Vic00:05:18I've given up Shuffer Huffer. Well, I'm looking there and I don't see it.
Sonny00:05:20No. It's just a cup. Just a coffee cup. That is a big deal.
?00:05:24That's a real...
Vic00:05:24You just have regular beer.
JVL00:05:25Oh, really? No. I'm not doing any beer, but I don't really like beer. I mean, that's a true. I like beers. Oh, I'm shocked. But my favorite of the beers is Shuffer Huffer, and so for me, the real sacrifice isn't giving up alcohol writ large, which I have done, but is giving up Shuffer Huffer, which is the real... My sacrifice and homage to our Lord and Savior. Question. Question. Yes, Sonny. Much like dying on the cross is me giving up Shuffer Huffer.
Sonny00:05:48Oh, I can feel that. Yeah. If you really wanted to make a sacrifice, wouldn't you give up your fancy coffee and Keurig?
?00:05:55Take that.
JVL00:05:56See, that would involve me getting sick all the time, though, from all the bacteria in the petri dish.
Vic00:06:03No. You think everybody else is getting sick in the office for this? You see anyone else getting...
JVL00:06:06I mean, I did notice there's nobody here. Keurig. Keurig flu. People are sick around here all the time, from Captain Keurig. Captain Tripp's flu.
Vic00:06:13No. So I have given up gluttony. So you said you were going to do this the other day.
JVL00:06:20I think that is too broad a category. This is nonsense. You're supposed to narrow it.
Sonny00:06:24This is nonsense.
Vic00:06:25But, you know, so like...
Sonny00:06:26You can't just give up a mortal sin and be like, "Oh, yeah, this is my Lenten sacrifice." I'm giving up adultery for Lent. I'm not going to be an adulterer on Fridays. On Fridays. On Fridays. And possibly on Saturdays.
Vic00:06:38No, not Saturdays. Oh, no, wait a minute. You know, Sunday is not part of the 40 days, so Sunday, it's like an all-out ordeal.
Sonny00:06:43Because Fridays are for the wives, and Saturdays are for the girlfriends, but you've got to give it up.
JVL00:06:48We will circle back to your gluttony in a moment, but where are you on the idea of Little Easter? Well, the Sundays during Lent, it's just like Easter, and if the Friday is just like Good Friday, then the Sunday is just like Easter Sunday, and you don't have to do your sacrifice
Vic00:07:04on those days. I used to think that was ridiculous and absurd, and then John McCormick convinced me, counting the days, our friend John McCormick said, "It is not part of the 40 days." But there is something to be said about the spirit of Lent, and that, you know, I mean, if you're, like, once a week is, you know, I mean, that would be like me once a week, having a, you know, I don't know, a whole pizza with everything on it, you know, a meatza, having a meatza for myself. Meat lovers. Meat lovers. Just ordering a deep dish pizza hut, meat lovers. Yeah, but, oh, I'll tell you what, yeah, and milkshakes. And milkshakes. And milkshakes. With a milkshake? The whole pizza plus a milkshake? Plus a milkshake. Yes. And lat band surgery on Monday.
Sonny00:07:43It's just a, this is, as always, a good time to remind people that Vic suffers from a disease. I do. That is, that is only really suffered from by French kings and Bobby Hill.
Vic00:07:53Michael Johnson and Ben Franklin, and that is Le Gout, Le Gout, Le Gout, and I remember talking to the late chef, Michel Richard, about this, as he called it. Your friend. My friend. May he rest in peace. Were you in his kitchen when you guys were having this conversation? Yes, I was, and he said, I've never had it, he said, and of course, he was extremely large, but his brother did, his brother did, and so I have it too. It's hereditary as well, and it seems to be everything across the board, and it's not just the rich foods, it's also weird stuff like beans and oatmeal, but anyway, that's the, you know, but we all have our crosses to bear, Sonny. We all have our crosses to bear.
Sonny00:08:26Well, can you explain to people what you mean when you say that you've given up gluttony for Lent?
Vic00:08:31Oh, okay, yeah. So, like, I am not, yesterday, yesterday, I was coming back from lunch, and it was so hot, right? It was like over 70 degrees, and I was going up, I walked up the escalators in Roslyn, and I said, man, I could really go for a McDonald's McFlurry right now, Oreo McFlurry, and I did not. I did not. So, you're. I had no dessert. I had no dessert. I just had the veal parm at the Palm. At the Palm, for lunch, but that didn't count.
Sonny00:08:55That's not gluttony. No, and there's no carbs. Just the veal parm. I'm giving up carbs for lunch. Not even the chicken parm, it should be noted. When we go to the Palm, when we go to the Palm, which we do literally every day, guys, it's really, living in the capital is the best.
JVL00:09:09Okay, people should know that Sonny's not trolling. Vic's picture is literally on the wall of the Palm Steakhouse in Washington, D.C. We go there. I'm not commenting on this.
Sonny00:09:18It is actually on the wall. If you wanna see Vic, you can't come here to watch us tape the show, but you can go to the Palm. Just scan the walls and look for the kind of basketball-sized ... Anyway ... Not Daniel Inouye, which I used to say, that was a different person. When we go to the Palm, you don't just get the chicken parm. You ask, you're like, "Hey, can we upgrade that to the veal parm?" I order off menu. That's what you wanna say?
Vic00:09:39He orders off menu every time. I order off menu. It's available to some people, and again ... But again, back to Lenten sacrifice. So I've been giving up the snacks and the cookies, the Frappuccinos, the afternoon coffee thing. No. I'm not doing it. So that's what's happening. And sandwiches without potato chips, which is insane.
Sonny00:10:00Who's ever had that?
Vic00:10:01I don't even know how you can eat them. Well, it's particularly hard at the Beacon, as you know, because they're always there. Yeah. There's constant ... But nuts are okay. Nuts are okay.
Sonny00:10:09And I need that for my health. You need the nuts. I do. You need to consume nuts, lard.
JVL00:10:13You need nuts in your mouth all the time. I do. I do. Big and salty. JVL. I don't eat ... I can't even. So what ... What does Kate think of this? Your Lenten sacrifice. My Lenten sacrifice.
Vic00:10:30Because your wife is a real Catholic. Yes, she is. Yes, she is. I'm trying to remember what she gave up, and there's probably a joke attached to it, but I think she's fine.
Spot something wrong in this episode? Suggest a correction →
Comments
Loading…