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#92. The Substandard Coconuts Issue
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Dudes Chatting — The great coconut debate: A micro-episode entirely devoted to Sonny's Twitter-spawned coconut vendetta. Sonny holds that coconut is "the worst flavor" in existence and makes everything it touches worse, including chocolate; his position is that this is not a matter of taste but of objective fact, which he defends with the logic of the critic. Vic and JVL are equally passionate in the other direction — JVL calls coconut "a fruit of God" that "transcends form," listing coconut cream pie, coconut water, coconut oil, and coconut rum as proofs; Vic chimes in with the Kirkland raw coconut water as his post-run recovery drink of choice. JVL predicts coconut will be the official flavor of summer 2018 (currently ceding ground to grapefruit). Vic lands the killing blow: he once asked legendary chef Jacques Pépin what one ingredient he hated — and Pépin named coconut, putting Sonny in surprisingly distinguished company. The episode closes with fitness banter and a mutual admission that none of them are running very fast.
Full transcript
Vic00:00:00Hello and welcome to another micro-episode of The Substandard, sponsored by Casper Mattress. I'm Victor Matus, along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. Just a quick reminder that full episodes of TheSubstandard are available every Thursday at 11 a.m. We are actually recording, yes, it's happening. And you are going to be starting at the 6.22 mark. Let's remember that. Dusty. So we're here for the micro to talk about coconuts for some reason. Why is this, Sonny? What happened? Why did you pick on the coconut on Twitter? What, there's no, what was the impetus? I don't even know. What was the impetus?
Sonny00:00:48Well, I mean, this is what you have to understand about Twitter is that nothing there has a reason. There's no beginning and there's no end. It just is a, it's just kind of a... It's like fashion. ...expanse of nonsense. And for some reason, somebody had mentioned coconut to me, and it sent me off on a bit of a coconut tangent. Because coconut is the worst thing that exists. No, that's not true. Coconut is the worst flavor. That's not true. That's terrible. Coconut not only is terrible on its own, it makes everything that it is added to worse. It has an awful texture, and it has an awful taste. It makes chocolate bad somehow. So I don't, like, I don't...
Vic00:01:22Just because you think coconut is bad texture doesn't mean that it's bad texture.
Sonny00:01:26No, no, no, no, no. That's exactly... That's exactly what it means. ...for everybody. No, this is like saying... It's in the red.
Vic00:01:30It's in the red. No, this is like saying... You're blowing the audio out. The listeners are being assaulted by your insanity.
Sonny00:01:35Oh, you don't like the movie. That doesn't mean it's not bad. It just means you don't like it. Why don't you talk about it like, oh, I like a movie, so you don't like a movie. That doesn't mean it's bad. That's not the job of the critic. The job of the critic is not here to sit here and say, like, well, some people like it and some people don't. The problem with coconut is that it's foul. And just because all the rest of you idiots like it, that doesn't mean that it's not foul.
Vic00:01:56You're insane. Wrong. I love coconut. On a level... Everybody loves. I love coconut.
Sonny00:02:01On a level of one to metaphysical certitude, how certain are you that I'm wrong?
JVL00:02:07Metaphysical certitude to the Google power. Yeah. This is... Look, this is... Coconut is, like the olive, one of these fruits of God. Yes. Which is so great. You're telling me... It transcends not only space-time, but it transcends form. Form. Coconut cream pie. No interest. Coconut water. Great.
Sonny00:02:29I'd rather...
JVL00:02:29Coconut oil. I'd rather... Great. Shaved coconut. Great. Coconut rum. Delicious. Coconut still in the hard little thing that as a child you can pretend is a bowling ball and play with? Great. What other fruit can you play with? You have... Ah.
Sonny00:02:44I got a few ideas.
JVL00:02:47It is amazing. And not only is it amazing... I love coconut. But right now, as we sit here on the January 16th year of our Lord, 2018, the reigning flavor of summer is grapefruit. Just as I told you people, just as I told you...
Vic00:03:02Were you trying to segue into grapefruit?
JVL00:03:04That maple was going to be making a move on pumpkin.
Sonny00:03:07Nobody thinks that grapefruit is the flavor of summer. That's nonsense.
JVL00:03:11Coconut is making a move on grapefruit, and I believe that the summer of 2018 will be the year that coconut becomes the official flavor of summer.
Vic00:03:19I was going to ask Sonny if he objects to, like, the sunblock that smells... Smells like coconut, but I guess that would assume that Sonny goes out into the sun.
Sonny00:03:32Why on earth would I ever need sunblock? Ever.
Vic00:03:36It's one of the great mysteries of life, Sonny, your honeymoon in Aruba.
JVL00:03:39What about when you're in the islands and the guys coming down the beach with the coconuts that make the rum in the coconut that you sip out of?
Sonny00:03:48Go ahead, Sonny. The best part about having a honeymoon in Aruba was, like, the two-hour stretch every day where it poured rain, because then I could go outside because it was raining. It was raining and cloudy, and then the sun would come back in and I'd have to go back inside.
Vic00:03:58You were hiding. Otherwise, you were under the hut, right? The bar hut. No. Not even.
Sonny00:04:02Not even outside. There are bars inside in the hotel, and I would drink inside like a civilized person.
JVL00:04:09Coconut makes everything better. Is this right? It makes everything worse. If there was a coconut beer, I would drink it.
Sonny00:04:14There probably is a coconut beer. The fact that you're not drinking it just shows you that coconut beer is terrible. Coconut milk. Delicious. Coconut milk. Fantastic alternative for people who are lactose intolerant. Disgusting compared to regular milk. Coconut milk.
Vic00:04:26Coconut rum. Very, very delicious. It's been out freshman year. Coconut rum.
Sonny00:04:30Malibu. I'm sorry. I didn't realize. Malibu. Greater sign.
JVL00:04:34Pappy Van Winkle. No one denies this.
Sonny00:04:36I did not realize that I was doing a show with 15-year-old girls. I did not actually realize that. Oh, I'm sorry.
JVL00:04:44You didn't realize this? We've been doing this for a year now, and you didn't realize that, Sonny?
Sonny00:04:47I'm sorry. Where have you been? I mean, it's one thing with the grapefruit beer. It's another thing to start talking about coconut rum. A human male above the age of 13 drinks.
JVL00:04:58Even better than the cinnamon whiskey. I would say Malibu. Greater sign. Fireball, even.
Vic00:05:04I wish. Well, that's pretty good.
JVL00:05:07I'll give you that. I'll give you that.
Vic00:05:09That's pretty good. I mean, it's no aftershock. If they could only make Coppertone into a drink, I would drink it. That's how good coconut is. Just drink Coppertone. Coconut water, one of the healthiest things on the planet. It's like drinking a banana. Just eat a banana.
JVL00:05:24You go out for a run. Just eat a banana. The banana's so delicious. You go in for a run. Let me tell you something. If you look at too much coconut water, you're going to have the runs.
Vic00:05:31No, you come home from ... Really?
JVL00:05:33Is that a thing?
Vic00:05:34Don't you remember in Castaway, Tom Hanks was subsisting on the coconut water, and then all he had was the ...
JVL00:05:39I don't remember that. So, anyway.
Vic00:05:40But you come home from a good seven-mile workout piece, you just take yourself a little thing
JVL00:05:45of the coconut water, the raw, never-frozen, never-heated coconut water from Kirkland, the Costco brand. It's fantastic.
Sonny00:05:52In this magical alternate universe where I'm ... Going out for a seven-mile run and drinking delicious coconut water, is George W. Bush still president? Do we have an unprecedented air of peace and prosperity across the land? Don't knock my microphone. No. Nonsense. Seven-mile runs. What is this? Where am I?
JVL00:06:13You go to the gym now, Sonny.
Sonny00:06:15I work on the elliptical for exactly 20 minutes, and then I work on the bike for exactly 20 minutes. I do 20 minutes, too. I do 40 minutes of cardio three times a week.
Vic00:06:24Are you ready for this? I do. I do 20 minutes on the treadmill, and I am now averaging 21-mile run. 21-minute run. You should see Hannah's face. 21 minutes a mile. That's what I'm averaging. Hannah is laughing at you. I don't understand. In 20 minutes, I'm about to have a heart attack.
Sonny00:06:38How do you do such a high-impact workout like that? Your knees must be screaming at the end of it after the 20 minutes on the-
Vic00:06:45My joints.
JVL00:06:46Hey, Hannah, how many marathons have you run in the last 12 months?
?00:06:49In the last 12 months? Two. Yeah.
Sonny00:06:53Terrible. Yeah. No, you're real, man.
Vic00:06:55Why would you? Why would you? Why would you want to? We weren't meant to run marathons. The guy who ran the first marathon died.
Sonny00:07:00If I wanted to run a marathon, I'd just drive a car 20 miles. Thank you.
JVL00:07:03Or 26.2. Whichever.
Sonny00:07:06Yeah.
JVL00:07:06Okay. Maybe what you could do is instead of driving a car, you could run an elliptical. If you move the elliptical really fast, it starts to move.
Sonny00:07:15No, no. Do you know how long it would take to do 26 miles on the elliptical? It's like an hour and a half.
Vic00:07:21Oh, it's at least an hour and a half. I burned, the other day, I burned 117 calories. It killed me. Oh, my gosh. It's a great show, guys. But you know what, Sonny? You are in, actually, good company. I'll give you this. I always want to do a piece on a lot of the great chefs who I've interviewed, and I always ask them, okay, what's one thing you hate? And one of my favorite, most beloved chefs is Jacques Pepin, the great French chef up in Connecticut. He's with Julia Child, the whole thing. I said, well, what's one thing you can't stand? He said, coconut.
Sonny00:07:48See? Me and Jacques Pepin. I mean, it's like I, you know, I have a cast iron pan now. Oh, you have? Yes. And I'm basically- You have a cast iron pep pan?
Vic00:07:57No.
JVL00:07:59Wow.
Sonny00:08:01That's the worst thing anyone's ever done.
Vic00:08:02Okay. It's a lodge. Didn't you say it's a lodge? Yeah, I got a lodge. That's the same one I have. Excellent. I cooked some murder meat on it the other day, JBL. Oh, man. I've cooked so much murder meat on this pan.
Sonny00:08:12It's great.
Vic00:08:13The sear is amazing. Delicious, great source of iron and flavor. I get a nice- Or you could take pills. I get a nice- Either way.
Sonny00:08:20Inch and a half thick cut of pork, and I slap it on there like four minutes each side. Why don't you eat your dog?
JVL00:08:25Well, I'm not a savage. Oh, right. Oh, because it would be savage to kill a dog and eat it, because dogs are special and magical or something?
Sonny00:08:34Yeah, that's right. They're man's best friend. They're just meat. They're man's best friend. They're just meat.
JVL00:08:37They're- Look, God put them under your dominion. You could eat them just as well as you could some pork or a lamb or something.
Sonny00:08:43I'm not saying I couldn't eat a dog if I had to. They do in some parts of the world. In the road, in a post-apocalyptic landscape where there's nothing but dogs and coconuts. I'm sorry, dogs. You're on the menu. I'm sure it's fine.
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