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#79. The Substandard on Murder on the Orient Express, More Chinese Food, and Dowels
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Full episode (61:23). All three hosts present.
Dudes Chatting — Chinese buffet, Apple Watch, and woodshop: Sonny visited the Golden Grill Buffet in Bailey's Crossroads — positive report covering multiple stations including mystery unlabeled dumplings, sushi, and hibachi. His wife acquired an SNES Classic. JVL's Apple Watch interrupted him at 10:45 PM with a prompt to go for a walk. Woodshop is closed for Veterans Day; next session will include Vic's son and Dr. Bob Dwyer (Vic's father-in-law).
Reviews:
Murder on the Orient Express — Vic voices Gene first, who delivers a punny positive review and awards five stars with the line "All aboard." Sonny is mixed-to-positive: the middle drags but the ending genuinely moved him — Poirot's moral compromise weighs on the character's conscience in a way Sonny found affecting; he also liked Johnny Depp. JVL is very negative: incompetent writing, rote direction, the film fails to establish geography, Daisy Ridley is wildly miscast, and SJW elements feel gratingly shoehorned; he calls the mid-credits tease for Death on the Nile audacious. All three agree the 1974 Sidney Lumet version — with Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, Ingrid Bergman, and Sean Connery — is superior.
Box Office: Thor: Ragnarok dropped to #1 in its second weekend with $56.6M. Daddy's Home 2 debuted at #2 with $30M. Murder on the Orient Express came in at #3 with $28M, above expectations.
Corrections: ibuprofen vs. acetaminophen hangover advice from the previous episode clarified.
Full transcript
Guest00:00:00You know, there is something about a tangle of strangers pressed together for days with nothing in common but the need to go from one place to another and never see each other again. My name is Hercule Poirot, and I am probably the greatest detective in the world.
Vic00:00:28Hello, and welcome back to another edition of The Substandard, brought to you by Donors Trust. Donors Trust is a community foundation for the liberty movement. If you want to support groups committed to limited government, personal responsibility, and free enterprise with your charitable giving, you should learn how Donors Trust can simplify your giving. Go to DonorsTrust.org slash standard right now to get your free investing and liberty guide. I'm Victor Matus, along with Sonny Bunch and Jonathan V. Last. I'd like to remind you, The Substandard is available on iTunes. Google Play, Stitcher. Just look under podcasts and search for Substandard. You'll easily find us. Please subscribe.
Sonny00:01:05Tell your friends and leave a review. Yeah, if you don't subscribe and leave reviews, we're quitting. So you better do it. Jonah was talking about how he has like 600 reviews already. This is bullshit. He's barely been doing us. We've been doing, we're past 350, which is nice. It's good. It's better than most podcasts. Better than many. 99%. It's better than many podcasts that we can name. Better than some podcasts. But honestly, the fact that that.
Vic00:01:36How did that happen? Jack and Nanny can rack up that many reviews.
Sonny00:01:40I am disappointed in all of you out there. Sonny doesn't like it. Okay, thank you, Sonny. JVL, how are you? I'm fine.
JVL00:01:48Anything to discuss, talk about? How was your week, weekend? I almost had to break up with my watch over the weekend.
Sonny00:01:54Which watch? Your iPhone watch?
JVL00:01:56The Apple Series 3. Nike edition. Oh, yeah. For athletes. It insulted you? So, Saturday night.
Sonny00:02:05You're actually crying right now. I don't, I've never seen you this.
JVL00:02:08I'm sitting at about 1045 at my dining room table, working, because this is what I do. And my watch buzzes on my wrist. And my Apple Watch Series 3 Nike Plus running edition says to me, Hey! I've noticed that you haven't been as active as you normally are today. If you go out for a brisk 23-minute walk right now, you'll close one of your rings and burn enough calories to have had a good day.
Vic00:02:38What ring is that?
JVL00:02:40Is this one of the Elvish rings? Or is it one of the rings given to the dwarves? I looked down to my watch and I nearly took a hammer to it. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I'm sorry, watch. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Apple Watch. Oh, Tim. Cook, do you have four children, Tim Cook, that you have to, like, pant after all day long over the weekend? He does not. Do you know what is it? No, you don't. Leave me alone. It's Saturday night. I'm working. I'm not sitting here playing. Why cannot my Apple Watch figure out that I'm not playing Civilization? I am not sitting doing Skyrim or watching Stranger Things. I am working. And yet, here it is going, hey. Hey, JVL. Time to go for a walk. It's 1045 at night.
Sonny00:03:25I have a question. Did it buzz on your watch? On your wrist? Did it vibrate? Did it say, you got, hey, can I, can I actually, I have a serious complaint to level against all of these dumb iWatches. If you're in a movie theater, take your, take your, take your iWatch or whatever the hell it is off.
JVL00:03:40There's a theater mode. You can switch it on to theater mode. Believe me, I did this last night. You put it on theater mode.
Sonny00:03:45I don't know what's going on, but when I'm in a movie theater, I swear to God, 50 times during the screening, I'll see, like, little, I'll see little, little, little lights light up all over just because people are turning their wrists. And it comes on or because they're getting text messages or whatever. And I, I want, I want to murder everyone in the theater when I see that. I just, I want to kill them all.
JVL00:04:05That was my weekend. How are you boys? Sonny, you want to go?
Sonny00:04:09You guys, you guys know how my weekend was. You got my text messages.
Vic00:04:12Those were the hottest text pics I've ever received. I sent so many pics. I sent so many.
Sonny00:04:16They're not selfies, really. I took some action shots. Do tell. Because I went to, I went to the Golden Grill Buffet or whatever it is. I was going to, yeah. In Bailey's Crossroads. It's one of, it's usually going to have the name Golden in it. Yeah. So go ahead. Golden Hunan Grill something. Golden Hunan Gates. So we, the family, we went to the Chinese buffet that I had mentioned on the show all those months back. Yes, you went. For lunch. And it was really everything I hoped it could be. I have many questions. Yes. But you want to talk about it first and then I'll ask you something. Well, first off, it was, I will just say that we were the only Caucasian. Non-Asian. Not, not non-Asian. There were some Hispanic families as well. Oh. But, but like, I would say like literally, literally. Oh, I see. Right behind us, right next to us, right in front of us. Yes. All Vietnamese.
JVL00:05:02That's a good sign. So I was, I was, I was immediately happy with the choice that we had made. Yeah, that's a good sign.
Sonny00:05:08And like, they have, they have like a, they have like a kind of American table that has like pasta salad and fruits and stuff. Avoid that.
Vic00:05:15This is at the country buffet, whatever that place is now.
Sonny00:05:17And then there was, the next one over was like the Americanized Chinese food. So you had your sweet and sours and your lo mains and your fried rice and that sort of thing. All right. I like that. I like that station.
JVL00:05:28And then the next station over was your like mystery table.
Sonny00:05:31Hardcore. And it was like a lot of, it was a lot of things that I frankly did not recognize and wasn't gonna, there were some like knuckles.
Vic00:05:38Yeah. Well, I was going to say pig knuckles, probably. You know what else? Pig intestine. Yeah. There was definitely some of that. Pig intestine, probably stuff that looks inflated.
Sonny00:05:45But there was also like a lot of good stuff on that. Like the salt and pepper squid, you know, like the fried squid, but it's kind of spicy. Yeah, of course. Salt and pepper squid. And then. Um, uh, there were also like dumpling.
JVL00:05:59Oh.
Sonny00:05:59Dumpling plates. Uh-huh.
JVL00:06:01But none of them were labeled.
Sonny00:06:03Surprise. None of them were labeled. You just had to kind of guess. You had to figure out what was going on. Adventure pork, shrimp balls. Loved it. Uh, so I would just, I just got like one of each and like, I would just bite into it.
JVL00:06:12I'd be like, ooh, sweet. Or ooh, savory. Yes. Yes.
Sonny00:06:16And it was, it was really amazing. And then there was also a sushi table that had like, had, it wasn't. How did the sushi look? It wasn't, it wasn't like, uh. You know, I, I, it wasn't sushi taro. Right? I'm not like going up there and getting, you know, like a $10 piece of, uh. Gonna get the fugu. Uh, of, of tuna or anything. But it was actually pretty, it was actually pretty good. It didn't smell fishy at all. You know, it wasn't like, it was like, and it was, and the rolls were well put together and like, it was, I was actually, I was impressed. I was impressed by the sushi table. I didn't get to it because I'm there with my two-year-old daughter who has enough, who has, we have like 30 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm there with my wife. So we're kind of. We're kind of having to, you know, kind of alternate who gets to go up. There was also a hibachi station.
Vic00:07:00Oh, wow.
Sonny00:07:01Like a kind of a Mongolian grill style.
Vic00:07:03Yeah, like freshly grilled on a hot.
Sonny00:07:05And I, I really wanted to do that. I just didn't have time. The line was too long. It was Sunday at noon. Yeah, that's the Asian version of the omelette bar. You know, I would have, I would have, I would have crushed that. I would have loved it. Yeah. I had so much murder meat, JVL. I had so much murder meat. It was honestly, as, as you saw in the pictures that I sent you. It was all cat. Maybe we can, whatever. It was delicious. Delicious cat. If it was cat. I'm not opposed to eating cat. Cats aren't dogs. Maybe we can put the pictures that I sent you in show notes. Oh, yeah. I'll, I'll get right on that. We'll definitely, we'll definitely do that this week. Yeah, that'll be up on Friday at 11 o'clock.
JVL00:07:39My show notes will be up.
Sonny00:07:40Show notes definitely up this week. Anyway, guys, I had a great, like on top of that, you know, maybe I'll get to this next week, but it was my wife's birthday this weekend and I got her an SNES classic and I was like kind of skeptical because she had asked that, she'd asked for it and I was like kind of skeptical that she would want this and she was just playing Super Mario World like nobody's business. I was actually, I, I, I had never played this game. She destroyed me, blew me out of the water. I had no lives left. She was still going. It was great. So I, we had a, we had a, I had a really good weekend.
Vic00:08:11Is there much of a dessert section also at the buffet or no?
Sonny00:08:14Yes, there was, well, there was like a, there was a dessert table, but it was kind of small in the, it was, but there were also, again, there were like sweet dumplings. Yeah, yeah. And I like, I, I just wasn't sure exactly what was going on. Right, right, right. With them, but they were great.
Vic00:08:28Was this her birthday meal? No, no, no, no, no. Okay. But that's going to be mine now. Okay. I guess that, that's going to be my birthday meal.
Sonny00:08:34No, we went, we went somewhere, I forget, I actually can't, oh, we went to this, we went to this like local Hawaiian place for, for her birthday dinner. It was very nice. Poke. Poke is the new thing apparently.
Vic00:08:44Yes, I hear that. What is it? I thought it was a fish. Poke is like, it's kind of like sushi grade. My culture is not a date night.
Sonny00:08:50It's, it's, it's like sushi grade fish, but with like some spices and stuff. It's good. It was on a menu recently. Yeah, it's really good. You should, you should, if you, if you see poke, you should get it.
Vic00:09:00I never thought of myself as a pokey. Man. God damn it. I thought you were about to say it. I beat you to it. I beat you to it. Okay. Well played. Victorino, how was your weekend? How was Woodshop? Give me a Woodshop update. No, Woodshop update was Veterans Day weekend, so they were closed. They took off. Arthur and Myra, the place was at Thomas Jefferson Middle School, whatever, where the community center is closed for Veterans Day, so there was no update. Apparently, when I return next week, we're all going, meaning me, my son, and my father-in-law. Oh, that'll be great.
JVL00:09:31Dr. Bob Dwyer. I would like to get a documentary film crew to follow you guys around and watch that hour of your lives.
Vic00:09:37Well, apparently, you know, they were putting the finishing touches on the feeder, and they were supposed to put dowels in, stuff to hold the roof in place. Do you know what a dowel is? No, not yet, because I missed that class, because I was in New York getting bombed. But the, but then, you know, my father-in-law said, I don't know if that's true. That's a good idea to have those dowels, because, you know, wood expands. After a while, it's not going to work. And then he just turned to my son and said, Michael, do you really want this, those dowels? And Michael just nods, like, shakes his head. Okay, I guess not, because, you know, Grandpa doesn't seem like he wants it. And says, we're going to put some sort of other thing instead, like, you know, putting these hooks, or drilling these hooks, or whatever, just a nice and simple thing. And Arthur says, so, you didn't do your dowels? And my father-in-law said, no, we're going to try doing it this way instead. And Arthur just goes, oh, my gosh, that's a good idea. That's a great idea. You mind if I take that from you? We're going to do this. And so, he's basically helping.
JVL00:10:30You would have done the same thing had you been there. I would have done the same thing. Had you been there, you would have said, yeah, these dowels are not quite right. Did he dovetail the corners? Did he dovetail the joints together?
Vic00:10:42I wasn't there. I wasn't there. Or did he use a Craig jig? But, you know what? And do some pocket holes? I did something. I did that for the roof. You did pocket holes? I think, well, yeah, and I did the, whatever you think first thing you said.
Sonny00:10:55You know, I was, I'm glad we're bringing up dovetailed corners or whatever, because I was, I was mentioning my bookshelves to one of my neighbors today, or yesterday, or over the week, I'm sorry, over the weekend, and it was very funny. I was like explaining to him kind of how it has come to be, and I was like, yeah, you know, it looks kind of like one of those Brazilian slums that is just kind of, and he did not find that as amusing as you guys did. He did not, he was not as, he was not as impressed by the favela reference.
Vic00:11:25It was how we're putting it together, and he's putting, he's helping to fix our table and our dining room as well, my father-in-law, but that all remains a mystery to me. Speaking of mysteries. Hold on.
JVL00:11:37Can I mess up here?
Vic00:11:38I want to do a public service announcement. Oh, please. And then we'll go right back to it. Please, a PSA.
JVL00:11:41This is whenever you are looking at furniture, one of the ways to judge the quality very quickly is to look and see how the joining is accomplished. So if you are looking at a dresser, for instance, just before you look at anything else, pull out a drawer. Pull out a drawer, look at the corners. If the corners are dovetailed, it's going to be a pretty good piece. If they are nailed, stapled, or glued, it's a piece of crap. So if you look at how the joining is accomplished. How does Ikea do it? You know, forget it. Forget it. How does Ikea do it? Never mind. Never mind.
Sonny00:12:11Do they use dovetails? Well, it all depends on what. Oh, yeah. Are they dressed in dovetails? I assume, when you say dovetails, I assume you have like a suit made of dove feathers, and that's what.
Vic00:12:24I'm going to go tweet. You guys do your thing. Sonny, it really depends on what kind of hammer you use. Speaking of hammers, Thor Ragnarok was at the top. Look at that. Did you have a second? I had a third. You have a third one? Yes. Had you gone last in the how is your week thing, I would have said, speaking of Orient Express, but I kind of depended on the restaurant being called Orient Express.
Sonny00:12:45Well, no, but it was certainly of the Orient.
Vic00:12:47It was. It was. I said, there's a 50% chance the restaurant is Orient Express. Otherwise, it's going to be Hunan Garden. This guy is a pro. Speaking of Hunan Garden. He is a pro. Speaking of gardens. Okay, so Murder on the Orient Express came in third over the weekend with $28 million. Not bad.
Sonny00:13:04I can't believe it made that much. Yeah, but actually way above expectations, way above projections. Okay, yeah.
Vic00:13:09Daddy's Home 2 was second with $30 million. Sonny, what was the budget on Daddy's Home 2? I thought that was straight to video.
JVL00:13:15It was pretty nice.
Vic00:13:16Yeah, what was it?
JVL00:13:18Oh, different. Different series. That was Odd Brazzers, along with Pacific Rim 2.
Sonny00:13:26Pacific Rimming 2.
Vic00:13:27Oh! Oh! Okay.
?00:13:31I'm broken.
Sonny00:13:32I'm broken. I'm sorry. Sorry. We made all of this up on the spot.
Vic00:13:35This is what happens when you're on the, this is all on the fly. But Sonny-
Sonny00:13:40You're not going to get this sort of crap from Jonah and his podcast. I'm going to talk to Andy Ferguson about serious things. Here's 600 reviews.
Vic00:13:49600 reviews, come to us. But Sonny, I'm baffled. This is a comedy that costs- Costs how much? 69 million. Why would it cost that?
Sonny00:13:59I assume that most of that is salary. I just assume that it's like- It's an all-star cast. 15 million for Wahlberg and 15 million for Farrell and then- Mel? Like probably 5 million for Mel and- Let's go. I don't know. Who knows? Who knows what-
Vic00:14:14My goodness. Okay. And then at the top of the heap is Thor Ragnarok. It remains there at 56.6 million. Is that a good or bad second week? It's a good hold. I mean, it dropped 50.
Sonny00:14:2555%, something like that, which is not out of the norm. Yeah. It's going to be the highest grossing Thor film, certainly. Yeah. It's probably pretty close already, actually.
Vic00:14:35I saw the first one. I didn't see the second one. I didn't feel it. You're not missing out on much. No, that's what I hear. But I believe all of us saw Murder on the Orient Express. Yes. All four of us.
Sonny00:14:45All four of us. Yes. Oh, no. Can we skip the big boy review? Yeah, let's go straight to Gene.
Vic00:14:51Let's get to him and get him out of the way.
Sonny00:14:52Yeah. He's coming in. Get him in here. I know he's- I saw him cooling his heels out there. I was hoping. He's ready. Here we go.
Vic00:15:01Murder on the Orient Express is a first-class murder mystery with an all-star cast, but it doesn't take long before this trip goes off the rails. Orient Express, more like Polar Express. Anyway, someone has been murdered on board under an avalanche of evidence. Inspector. Hercules Poirot has to do the heavy lifting. Hercules, heavy lifting. He's played by Kenneth Branagh, who also directs. To be or not to be an actor-director, that is the question. Daisy Ridley offers a ray of hope with her forceful performance. She prefers her coffee black. Josh Gad. Josh Gad is far from frozen. Frozen in his role. And Dial M for Judi Dench. M? What a dame. But Michelle Pfeiffer will always be my girl for all seasons. A joke that only works if you've seen Grease 2. In the end, everyone is guilty of great performances. I give Murder on the Orient Express five stars. All aboard.
Sonny00:16:24Very good.
Vic00:16:27Very well done, Gene. Now it's time for the big boy review. Which of you? JVL? I think we have differing reviews, too, so this is going to be very interesting. I have a question first, before we begin. Yeah.
JVL00:16:38Are we allowed to talk about spoilers on a 100-year-old novel that has been adapted for the screen 17 times? Or are people going to complain to us and go, I had no idea that it was...
Sonny00:16:49Well, remember, last week I mentioned that I read it and I had managed to never... But I feel like I'm rare in this, so I feel like spoilers are...
Vic00:16:58Well, not necessarily. I obviously didn't know either, and I made it all the way to the end of the movie without knowing what the ending was. You never knew? No. We had this discussion last week as well. Also, next week I'm going to see that movie, The Perfect Storm, and it's about the boat that goes out and... It comes back. It comes back. I assume it comes back. George Clooney said it. Right.
Sonny00:17:15You couldn't kill George Clooney.
JVL00:17:17So how is it this has happened? So do either of you ever see The Mousetrap? No. So it's a play... No, it's a play. I thought that was with Nick.
Vic00:17:24Nathan Lane is a comedy with the mouse.
Sonny00:17:28No, that's Mouse Hunt. Oh, Mouse Hunt. Thank you, Sonny.
JVL00:17:30So The Mousetrap is a murder mystery play which has been running in the West End in London for like 85 years or something like that, and at the end of every performance, the lead comes out and says, and now you know the secret of The Mousetrap, but we ask that you not share it. And weirdly enough, as long as the thing has been running, people really just haven't talked about it. And so it is... It is actually hard to walk in to see a performance of The Mousetrap knowing how it's going to end. I don't even know that was a play.
Vic00:18:01So the audiences are very faithful. Yeah.
JVL00:18:03That's impressive. I was wondering if there was a... But nobody... I don't think there's ever been a thing about the audience, don't tell people at the end of the movie to express it.
Sonny00:18:09No, no, no. I just think this is just like a cultural blind spot that I had. I mean, I'm like... Both of you. Right. Right. It is weird that you also...
Vic00:18:17I don't read mystery novels. I know you don't read books. I don't read period. I know you don't read books, but there have been movies made of it and TV shows. And I didn't... I don't remember seeing a movie of it. I remember. Again, I mentioned Death on the Nile, and that's sort of teased at the end.
Sonny00:18:30It is teased at the end. It was very funny. But I've actually never seen a single Hercule... Hercule. Right. Not Hercule. No, it's not Hercule. Hercule Perrault.
Vic00:18:43That was awful.
Sonny00:18:44Film. Or read any of his books for you. I've seen Peter Ustinov in the...
Vic00:18:48Poirot? Yes. I've seen Peter Ustinov. Poirot. But not David Suchet. Okay.
Sonny00:18:53Anyway, I like... It just... It's just a cultural blind spot on my own part. On both of us. JBL, you seem to have very strong feelings about this movie. Why don't you go first? Do you really want... Yeah, you go first. You go first.
JVL00:19:04Do your real review of what the movie is, and then we'll talk about it.
Sonny00:19:07So, Murder on the Orient Express stars Kenneth Branagh, the actor-director best known for his Shakespearean adaptations as Hercule Perrault. He's the most famous detective in the world, and he works on various cases trying to solve cases nobody can solve. And we... We get a very nice little opening vignette where he solves an unsolvable case at the whaling wall in Jerusalem. And then he hops on his... He hops on a boat to the... I guess he goes on a boat to the train. I'm not quite... Anyway. To get on the Orient Express, where he has to go back to England to help solve another case. It's just a contrivance to get him on the train. And as we are heading out... There's a very shady character by the name of... I don't know, something. Johnny Depp. He's played by Johnny Depp. Ratchet. Ratchet. Mr. Ratchet. He...
JVL00:20:03Not a famous character in the history of fiction or anything. Don't worry.
Sonny00:20:06Just keep going, right? It's Johnny Depp. It's Johnny Depp. It's Johnny Depp, who is great in this, by the way. I love Johnny Depp in this role. This movie also may have been more popular if you had pitched it as Johnny Depp gets stabbed 12 times. Because he's very unpopular right now. People don't like him. He's one of these bad woman hitters. And I don't like that. People don't like woman hitters.
Vic00:20:26No, we don't tolerate that.
Sonny00:20:27So you stab him 12 times. Anyway, he gets stabbed. But before he gets stabbed, he asks Hercule Poirot to aid him in not getting stabbed. Obviously, this doesn't happen. In part because Mr. Poirot says, I don't like your face. He literally is like, I don't like your face. And I love that line. Because I also don't like lots of people's faces. You say that a lot. I say that a lot. And I'm like, you know what? I empathize with you, Mr. Poirot.
Vic00:20:52I actually heard you once say to a former colleague. I will punch you in the face.
Sonny00:20:55Well, that was a different. That was a. We can discuss that later.
Vic00:21:00Didn't mean to throw you off.
Sonny00:21:00Go ahead. Anyway, so the murder happens. And nobody quite knows what has happened. Because the train has stopped. It's been hit by an avalanche. And it's off the rails. And we've got to figure it out. We're all trapped in this room. And there's a count and a countess. And there's an old woman. And there's a young man. And there's a ballet. And blah, blah, blah. Anyway, this is the most boring part of the film. The hour where all of this happens. Where we kind of meet all of these people. And figure out their role in what has happened. And I didn't care for that. But I really like the end. And at the end, we are treated to the solution of this mystery. Which, again, is that all of them have killed Mr. Ratchet. They have all stabbed him. Because they all have a connection to a crime he committed earlier.
Vic00:21:49We did say spoilers, right?
Sonny00:21:50Yeah, yeah, yeah. We told people. So here's what I. What I quite liked about this movie is that it gets at, in a way that the novel did not, the horror of the underlying crime. Not just the killing Ratchet, which is a morally dubious, but possibly acceptable outcome. But also the killing of the two-year-old that precipitates this. And maybe this is just the function of being a father of a two-year-old. But I was actually very affected by the. Kind of them coming together and showing the way their world has been shattered by this criminal act. And what I love most about it is the way it treats this as a morally serious thing for poor Roe himself. Like this is. So this is. I don't know if this is Bronig's Shakespeare or whatever. But like the scenes where he is talking to the picture of his dead wife or whatever. Very kind of a last poor Yorick. You know, it's very kind of gives him a chance to monologue and show that he is feeling. These deep thoughts. But at the end of the film, it is very clear that from Bronig's performance and from the writing and from the kind of earlier hints with like the uneven eggs. He is a man who loves balance. There's right and there's wrong. He says there's no gray in the world. He loves to have eggs the same size. When he steps in a pile of shit, he steps in the pile of shit again with his other foot to, again, provide balance. But by the end of the film, he realizes that balance is not always achievable. And it kills a little part of him inside. A little piece of. Poirot dies when he is forced to reckon with the reality of this case, which is that for justice to prevail, he has to let these people go. And I there's something there's a depth to that that is totally absent from the book. I don't know if it's present in any of the other film adaptations, but it is like a real it is a real thing that he has to struggle with. And it I think it I think it gives greater heft to the movie. I liked it more. I. Headed into the last 20 minutes or so, I was I was ready to be like, yeah, this is this is OK. This is fine. And then and then I was actually I was hit pretty hard by it. I think there's like an actual emotional component to the solution of the case that, again, is totally absent from the book where it's kind of a jaunty like, oh, they all stabbed him. Oh, well, let's go on to the next case. And like that is there's nothing to that. There's no weight, no heft to it. This is very real, very serious feeling.
Vic00:24:19I have two thoughts. And then we'll get to your two thoughts are short. One was when. When I watched the movie, it was it seemed to be obviously clearly a reference to the Lindbergh kidnapping. When the one do you remember? Do you have any idea when the book came out? What year? All of it. OK, you talk. And is that sort of what I wondered was, where did her book where does it appear in her oeuvre in the grand scheme? Is it sort of in the middle? Is it sort of what she hits goes into full gear? It was like the first novel. I have no idea because I'm not an Agatha Christie. Nineteen thirty four. Wow. OK. Yeah. And so it's early on.
Sonny00:24:57And that's actually not too far beyond the Lindbergh. Yeah. That's right. That's like six years. Something like that. Yeah.
Vic00:25:04And that part I also found very. So, I mean, it must have been very obvious when she wrote the book what this was a reference to. Yeah.
Sonny00:25:10And sort of the shattered lives. But from the in the distance of time, the book itself feels very, again, very kind of almost trite and like snippy. I remember reading. I mean, I remember. I read it like last week. I read it very recently. And I just was like, well, this is a kind of boring. It's just a lot of people sitting around and talking. And then the clues are like not clues. It's just everybody's lying. And he's like, oh, you're a liar. You're a liar. You're a liar. And then it all comes together. I was unimpressed by the novel.
Vic00:25:42I was. I don't know if you guys were Lindbergh conspiracy buffs, but I followed it for a little bit. Not as well as some of our former colleagues. JVL, if you remember, I think the foremost. Lindbergh conspiracy expert was David Tell. But I followed it along. And it was the conviction of Bruno Hauptmann and the question of whether or not he was because he was German. So, you know, during this time, it was easy to pick this immigrant to say that he did it. But there was some argument about the floorboards in the attic. Of course, J. Edgar Hoover was spearheading that at the time. And the other interesting thing was who was the superintendent of police? H. Norman Schwarzkopf Sr. North Storm and Norman's father. Wow. Yeah. So there's all these. And I thought about that one.
Sonny00:26:26So Storm and Norman is the Josh Gad character. Yeah, technically. Yeah, technically.
Vic00:26:32Because I think they had one child. It was Norman. So anyway, and Hauptmann went to the chair. And his wife, I think, insisted to the day she died. She died many years later that he was innocent. Okay. She would. Kraut. JVL.
JVL00:26:47I hated this movie so much.
Vic00:26:49Here we go.
JVL00:26:50I hated it so much. It is always unfair. It is unfair to compare reproductions to their form iterations.
Sonny00:26:59I understand that.
JVL00:27:01Which is why devoted fans of Hercule Poirot and the other productions of this, I think, will probably be outraged by how silly it is and how disrespectful it is of the character and the treatment. But normal people, people who know nothing about the story, will merely be confused by the incompetent writing, overwrought production, and absolutely wrote by the numbers direction by Kenneth Bromick. I am glad that you like it. I like the ending, Sonny, and I understand exactly your reaction all the way up until then, because everything else, if you knew nothing about this and came to this, you would sit to yourself and say, I've been hearing about, I've been hearing the phrase murder on the Orange Express for my entire life, and this is it? This is it? This was what was all the fuss about? It's terrible. I mean, leave, okay, so leave aside all of the social justice warrior stuff, which has been shoehorned into this production, and not like a little bit here and a little bit there. They're aggressively, distractingly, stupidly so. That's fine. Leave aside how bad the score is. Leave aside how rote the direction is, save for a single shot, which is in the scene where they discover the body of the victim, and they are shooting, right? And so Brian shoots above and moves from the passageway into the room, revealing the set. Revealing that this is, in fact, a set, which is an inspiring. piece of direction. Everything else stinks.
Sonny00:28:27You don't like the, wait, just to interrupt. Yeah, no, please interrupt. It's more fun when we do that. You didn't like the way the shots of the faces of the suspects are kind of broken up, fractured in the mirrors?
JVL00:28:39So that's not through the mirrors. Those are being shot through beveled glass.
Sonny00:28:42Through glass, I'm sorry, yeah. Through beveled glass. Yeah, that was okay. And I thought this was a very-
JVL00:28:46That's a TV, it's a very TV movie trope, but it's fine.
Sonny00:28:48Bronick is not a Kubrick. He's not, you know, I'm not expecting like- He's not a Zack Snyder either. Well, no. Nobody is.
JVL00:28:54Or a Patty Jenkins.
Sonny00:28:55If he was a Zack Snyder, the shootout and the chase through the ridiculous tacked on chase through like the struts of the bridge-
JVL00:29:02Oh, you mean the one where Hercule Poirot, who is referred to as the penguin because he is a fat little old man who walks with a cane, the part where he chases somebody down- Chases Josh Gad.
Sonny00:29:12Or- Chases the least athletic. I mean, it would have been more realistic to chase Judi Dench.
JVL00:29:16Or do you mean the part where he becomes an action hero and then- He gets shot. He gets shot and swings his cane and gets into a- He gets into a fight with our-
Sonny00:29:26The African-American doctor. Not African-American. Well, the black.
JVL00:29:30The African-British doctor who- Who was also a- Let me tell you, there are a bunch of racists in America who don't believe of his relationship with Kylo Ren's cousin.
Sonny00:29:40Yes.
JVL00:29:41Yeah. No, no. So leave that aside. Leave that aside. As a director in this movie, you have one job. You have one job. And that is to establish the geography of the car. And that's it. So that you understand whose compartment is connected to whose, where the compartments are laid out, so that if you are in the audience 45 minutes into this movie, you ought to be able to close your eyes, mentally walk through the train car, and know, okay, Poirot is in this compartment, Johnny Depp is in that compartment, Michelle Pfeiffer is in that compartment. None of that is done.
Vic00:30:16None of it. I got the sense that the train was three cars long. There was the engine, the cafe, and then the passenger car.
Sonny00:30:24These are the only three cars that really matter, though, because in the book, again, like, there's... It's fine. You have the conductor at the end who is kind of blocking off the travel, so in theory, the person had to be in that one passenger car. It's fine.
JVL00:30:39But what this is, is it's emblematic of the movie's larger problem, which is that what makes a whodunit successful is that you, the audience member, must, in retrospect, be able to understand everything and say to yourself, why didn't I do that? I see that sooner, because all the clues I needed to solve were there. In Bronick's production here, that is simply not the case. There's almost no information for you, and the information that is there is oftentimes played off. Like, you know, the woman running down the hall in the silk kimono, which is just sort of, it just happens, and then we never talk about it again, and, you know, the way they introduce the case, the kidnapping, the sequence of how information is introduced to the audience is lost. It's ludicrous. And the weird rewriting of things, you know, such a way as to get, so, in the book, I believe, and in prior productions, Mr. Ratched has gotten off on a technicality, right? Yes. In this movie, he has simply never tried, and he has flown away. There is no reason to make that choice, especially since part of the resonance of this is the parallels between. the jury system, of the 12 members of the jury who fail to convict him, versus the 12 people who execute him on the train. This is a meaningless writing choice that does nothing except for sap the movie and the story of its power. Everything about this movie is like this. I hate it so, like, oh my God, I hate this movie so much.
Sonny00:32:12No, I agree with that. I totally agree with that. There was a weird choice that, to have somebody be tried. So, originally in the book, if I remember correctly, and I should, because I just read it recently. The woman went to trial, or woman did not go to trial. She killed herself, like the nanny or whatever. And in the movie, they have the woman go to trial, who then kills herself. And while this is going on, Ratchet flees. Johnny Depp flees. And instead, and I agree. It's a change that doesn't really make any sense and doesn't quite work. And it's made for no reason at all. Yeah, so no, I totally agree with this.
JVL00:32:56Introducing Catherine. Poirot has no former wife. This is a pure fiction introduction. It makes no sense to the character. The character of Poirot has historically been a monk. And not only is he a monk, but he's a monk who understands what he is missing by not being part of the world. There's a scene in Death in the Nile where he says to a young woman who is talking with him about love and heartache. And she says to him, you know, oh, Mr. Poirot, you've never loved. You've never been married. You've never been in love. You know, you're better off for it. And he looks at her and very sadly says, mademoiselle, it is terrible, the things I have missed. He has full knowledge of what he has missed in life by not being able to be part of the world.
Sonny00:33:37This is a change that I actually have less of a problem with. Again, because I haven't read Murder in the Nile. I haven't seen any of the murderers. Or Death on the Nile, whatever. I haven't seen any of those. I haven't read it. So I don't care about that. But I do actually like the kind of introduction of, again, this Catherine. Is it Catherine? Catherine. I like the introduction of this Catherine figure. I'm surprised they didn't choose to make him gay. That would have made it more resonant. As a kind of Yorick skull that he talks to. Again, it's very Shakespearean. It's very quasi-play. Because this is just a directed play. I mean, that's all this is. That's all this is. And this is giving Kenneth Branagh a chance to monologue, which is the thing that Kenneth Branagh does better than just about anyone in the world. So I'm actually fine with that. That change didn't bother me. I think part of the problem with this adaptation is that the source material is weak. The book itself is not actually a very compelling thriller as a thriller. Because all of the facts in question are based on people lying. So at the end of the book, it's him just saying, like, you lied about this. You lied about that. And the reader has no ability to put that together. Until he starts saying everybody lied. And then the question is, how did you do that? And the question becomes, why did they all lie? So, like, it still kind of gets to that. And, again, I think the finale is so much better done here than in the book. I would agree. It elevates all the material.
JVL00:35:05It's still not better done than in any of the other productions. Look, you know, what's funny is that actually I really like Bronix Poirot. Even though, aside from the action hero stuff. Aside from the fact that he is non-canon. He's a very different take on Poirot. He's sort of a kindly rain man. I mean, this is a... He's a little bit on the spectrum Poirot. Not a, you know, he's a little Mr. Little Grey Cells Poirot. And I don't mind that. I actually like it. I like his interpretation a little bit. But everything else about this movie is just hot garbage. Down to the level of casting. Daisy Ridley is playing a 45-year-old governess. What is she, 15? I didn't understand. And, I mean, again, as an audience member, if you are sitting here watching this movie, nothing of this makes sense. You're seeing Daisy Ridley. And she is, again, 20 years old. What, 24 years old? And yet she's being presented to you as a middle-aged governess who is old enough that one of her former charges is now a married woman of 20.
Sonny00:36:07Yeah. Who is literally, like, a year younger than her, I would guess. Right. It makes it... No, it doesn't make any sense. It makes no sense. Everything about this movie is just garbage. I do think... I do think... Can you agree with me on this? Johnny Depp perfectly cast?
JVL00:36:20Yeah, Depp is pretty good. Yeah, I thought Josh Gad was great, actually. Yeah, me too. Josh Gad's great. And this movie wastes character. I mean, Judi Dench might as well not be in the movie. Willem Dafoe might as well not be in the movie, because they have to give tons of screen... Josh Gad, who does well with his material. Whatever. I would really like to talk about the two main murders organized by... 1974, Sidney Lumet. Lumet. Lumet. Sidney Lumet.
Sonny00:36:49It's not Lumet. Really? I'm, like, 80% sure it's not Lumet. Sidney Lumet.
Vic00:36:54It's time to...
Sonny00:36:55Jesus Christ.
Vic00:36:56I've been having this... No, not to Jesus, but P.J. O'Rourke, because that was his father-in-law, and I was calling him Sidney Lumet.
Sonny00:37:02What did... How did P.J. pronounce it?
Vic00:37:04I think he said Lumet. Anyway, no. Dad. He said he called him... Yeah, maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. No, no, no, I don't know. Let's call P.J. up. He didn't correct me, but he did say that he went to Sidney's house, and Sean Connery was hanging out by the pool, and they decided to have drinks, and then he asked Sean Connery, what was your favorite role that you ever played? And it was the... Was it The Lion? Not The Lion in Winter. It's the... What is it? The King? The Sword? Ah! Listeners will know this one.
Sonny00:37:29The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
Vic00:37:31No, it isn't. I think that's what it was. Listeners will know. It's something in the winter. Okay, sorry.
JVL00:37:39So you want to talk about cast, because people have been obsessing, oh, what a tremendous cast this is. I actually think this cast is terrible. It's an all-star cast. Not terrible, but this is an entirely overrated cast.
Vic00:37:50It's a poorly used one.
JVL00:37:51The 1974 version of this movie stars Albert Finney, Lauren Bacall, John Gilgood, Ingrid Bergman, Vanessa Redgrave, and this other guy named Sean Connery.
Vic00:38:04Oh, yeah, the original. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm.
JVL00:38:06This is... That is a cast. Now, the truth is, I actually don't like Albert Finney's Poirot. Albert Finney's Poirot is kind of a prick. Does Sean Connery play Ratchet? No. Or Sean Connery? I don't know. I'll go effort it.
Sonny00:38:16Does he play... Oh, does he play the colonel? Yes. He plays... Yes. Who, in this movie, has turned into a black doctor for some reason? Yes. Yes. Yes.
JVL00:38:25For some reason. For some reason.
Vic00:38:26What reason do you think that could be? I was about to ask if the black doctor was in the book. No. Okay. So, then there's the 2001 Alfred Molina version, which is Fat Alfred Molina. Ooh. Fat Alfred Molina is Golden Alfred Molina. Yeah, yeah, it is.
JVL00:38:38And then the 2010 David Suchet version, starring a young Jessica Chastain. Ooh.
Sonny00:38:45Before she broke big. Wow. 2010. It's pretty good.
JVL00:38:49And so, I would say, if I was going to Frankenstein my perfect Orient Express, I would take David Suchet and drop him into the 1974 version, instead of Albert Finney, and I would keep him as the star and the supporting cast from that version. And the direction is fantastic, as well.
Vic00:39:05Good. Yeah, no, it's no secret that that would be a better movie. You know what else is not a secret? That the best policy ideas are not coming from politicians. Instead, they're coming from think tanks, public interest law centers, and other principled individuals and groups from around the country. And the best ones are those that do not rely on government money to operate. If you want to help move the ideas of liberty forward, invest your charitable giving in those doing the real work of conservative causes, and the simplest way to do this is through Donors Trust. Donors Trust is the community foundation for the liberty movement. With a donor-advised fund, at Donors Trust, you'll simplify your giving and receive excellent tax benefits, all in a way that gives you an additional layer of privacy. All donor-advised funds offer the same basic services, but Donors Trust is the only donor-advised fund that shares your commitment to conservative principles. Go to DonorsTrust.org for your free investing and liberty guide that gives practical advice on how to identify principle-driven charities that deserve your support. As we near the end of 2017, Donors Trust is the partner you need. The stock market is booming and the tax code is changing. Donors Trust experts can help you navigate all of this and equip you to give in a way that best benefits you, your family, and the principles you hold dear. Visit DonorsTrust.org slash standard right now to download a free copy of your helpful guide. Discover a better way to support the conservative values you believe in. That's DonorsTrust.org slash standard. You're such a pro at this. God, you're so good. Oh, you're very kind. I was thinking about the all-star casts and how, more often than not, they don't help the movie versus help the movie. You know what I mean? For example, what was that? The remake of Cannonball Run, I believe, was Rat Race. Remember that one? You don't remember that one? I have no idea what that is. Whoopi Goldberg was in that one. I have no idea what that is. It was like John Cleese, Whoopi Goldberg, and the Cannonball Run, that includes Breckin Meyer. If that's a Cannonball Run, Breckin Meyer. You've got some issues. Remember Breckin Meyer? Yeah, that's why I wanted to bring it up.
Sonny00:41:06Breckin Meyer is going to be a guest host on this show soon. That's how far he's fallen. Cuba Gooding Jr.?
Vic00:41:12Oh, yes.
Sonny00:41:13Oscar winner. Chris Myers.
JVL00:41:15The Fox News Sportscast. Seth Green. The Brit actor. Gloria Allred.
Vic00:41:20Oh, okay. Seth Green. The Brit comedian. You know, Mr. What's-His-Name is in that one as well. Yes, go ahead.
Sonny00:41:28Sonny. I'm sorry. So, I have to be honest with you. I don't think I've ever seen any one of these all-star cast movies that have been any good. Wait a minute.
Vic00:41:39How about It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World?
Sonny00:41:40No, I've never seen it. Wow, that's worth watching. Terrible. Never seen it.
Vic00:41:43It sounds terrible.
Sonny00:41:44I loved it. Every one of these movies sounds like a terrible movie. It's a dumb gimmick that is designed to extract money from rubes.
JVL00:41:49Wait, you're saying that the eight-year-old Vic fell for dumb gimmicks? I mean, I'm shocked. I'm shocked by it. I don't believe it.
Sonny00:41:57Wait, what's the one where Arnold Schwarzenegger was the, like, he had a, like, it was like Around the World in 80 Days or something, but like the remake. Is it an all-star cast? No, no, no, no. It was recent. It was recent. Like, 2010 or something? Yeah, it was like, yes. He was still the governator at that point.
Vic00:42:14That's right. Yeah, that's right. No, It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World. Mad, Mad, Mad World was from 63. That was with Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, on and on and on. Terrible. Sounds terrible. And then, of course, Cannonball Run. Never saw it. Is the best of all of them. Cannonball Run 2 was a disaster.
Sonny00:42:27Never saw it. Also sounded terrible.
Vic00:42:28If I told you I got a movie with, like, Burt Reynolds, Frank Sinatra, Shirley MacLaine, oh my gosh.
Sonny00:42:35I'd rather watch literally anything else. Go on, keep going. Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr. What are some more of these movies? Thin Red Line. How do you like that? Well, but that's different. It was different. But that's real.
Vic00:42:48You know how it was different? Because it was worse.
JVL00:42:50Yeah, that movie's terrible. It's not terrible.
Vic00:42:53Travolta movie is terrible. Clooney was in it. Remember Clooney was in it? Everybody's in it. Distracting Clooney.
JVL00:42:58Jim Caviezel's in it.
Sonny00:42:59John Cusack. Well, Jim Caviezel's in it before he was Jesus. Adrian Brody. Wasn't he always? Adrian Brody. Adrian Brody with no lines. That's right. Sean Penn. Adrian Brody. Jared Leto. Jared Leto's in it. Yeah, of course. But again, once again, these are all, like, before. There were a lot of people who were in that movie before. They made it big.
JVL00:43:17Woody Harrelson.
Vic00:43:19That movie's horrible.
Sonny00:43:20Nick Nolte.
JVL00:43:21Can I circle back? Continue, please. Circle back. The final insult to me in this stupid movie was at the end when they tried to tease the sequel with, there's been a murder in Egypt on the Nile, on the bloody Nile, governor, as if there's going to be some Poirot expanded universe. You know what?
Vic00:43:43I'm really offended because I believe Gene Rogan. He wrote the ending line. They brought him in as a script surgeon, and he wrote that in.
JVL00:43:50That is like the end of Rush Hour 2 or Rush Hour 3 with the outtakes and Chris Tucker's like, hey, I'll see you all in two years for Rush Hour 4. As Eddie Temple once said, imagine that, the audacity. I just, God, I hate everything about this movie.
Sonny00:44:12I actually like that because as somebody who has never read a... Hercule Poirot. Hercule Poirot.
Vic00:44:23Poirot.
Sonny00:44:23Poirot.
Vic00:44:24It's Belgium, so you can fudge it a little.
Sonny00:44:26As somebody who's never read a Hercules Poirot book before this week, I have to say that I liked that because I recognize that. I am the common man. I'm the common man, JBL. I recognize that, and I was like, I know that's a reference to a thing. Right. I know that's a reference to a thing, so maybe this will be great.
Vic00:44:45I saw this movie. Without having read the book, but I did read Choose Your Own.
Sonny00:44:49Endless trash!
Vic00:44:53I did read Choose Your Own Adventure. Did you guys get the trailer for The Post?
JVL00:44:58Yes. I watched it. I watched it on the computer, and then we watched it.
Vic00:45:04The most self-congratulatory piece of bullshit. What is your prediction for weekend box office?
JVL00:45:11My prediction is Oscars. If there was a movie genetically engineered to defeat Wonder Woman for Best Picture.
Sonny00:45:16This is it.
JVL00:45:18Because this is going to be the Trumpian, the anti-Trumpian, we're going to bravely stand up. We've got to stand up to the president! We're scared to do it. But we've got to be brave.
Sonny00:45:31Resist. The only thing that's worse than that trailer and that movie certainly will be just unbearable, is the, did you guys happen to read the CJR, the Columbia Journalism Review piece, about the New York Times people complaining about how this is The Post? Oh, yes!
Vic00:45:46Yeah!
Sonny00:45:47No, no, I'll tell you what, hey Sonny, I'll tell you what, I didn't read it.
Vic00:45:52Is it Hot Blue on Blue Violence? My first, yeah, because my first thought was, when I saw this movie was coming out, my first thought was, oh, this will be about the New York Times, because they were the ones who blew the lid off this, and it's not about the New York Times, it's about The Post!
Sonny00:46:04Oh no, it's a bunch of old Times people being like, I'm not even going to see this movie. It downplays the role the New York Times played in, and it's just like, it's like, this is why you lose. This is why you people lose. This is why you people lose. You're all, no.
Vic00:46:18It's fantastic. Post is Watergate, New York Times is Pentagon Papers. This would be like a movie about the New York Times blowing the cover off of Watergate. I mean, I just, I do. The best line, best line from the trailer. We can go to jail. Right?
JVL00:46:31What happens if we go? Yeah, because Kay Graham was staring down the pokey. That's what she, the heiress.
Sonny00:46:37I mean, it's just, it's just, it's Meryl Streep, and who's the man? Tom Hanks. It's Meryl Streep. It's Meryl Streep and Tom Hanks in a Steven Spielberg movie about the amazing press standing up to the evil Republican president. It is, it is literally designed in a lab. To win the Oscars. If you were going to create.
Vic00:46:57But to get about seven million for the weekend.
Sonny00:46:58If this movie beats Dunkirk for Best Picture. And we haven't seen it yet. I'm going to burn Hollywood down. Okay, well, hey. I'm personally going to Hollywood, and I'm lighting the match.
JVL00:47:07Hey, you could take that to the bank. You could take that to the bank that it's going to beat Dunkirk.
Sonny00:47:11Here's something, you know, here's the thing. I actually don't think it's going to win Best Picture. I actually don't think it's going to win many, many awards at all, because I think people will be so disgusted. Even people in Hollywood will be so disgusted, and people in Hollywood will be so destroyed by all of the amazing revelations of sex assault, and rape, and child molestation in their ranks, that they're going to want something really empty and nihilistic, and full of death and destruction, and really about just saving your own skin.
JVL00:47:38No, but this has the two guys who nobody has looked at in all of these stories, right? The two guys who are the paragons of virtue, which is Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
Sonny00:47:46Well, Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks and Denzel. If Denzel was in this movie, then it would be the...
JVL00:47:50No, but Spielberg as well, right? Spielberg is the, or, you know, hey, he's one of the good guys, he's not like them. I don't know, man. Now, I do hope that they've taken some dramatic liberties with this, and made Ben Bradley gay, and made Kay into an alcoholic or something. Because that's how you really want to hammer home the Oscar.
Sonny00:48:12If you want to win...
Vic00:48:13Well, Sonny, they might not like the movie, but they know they have to win. They don't have to vote for the movie. They have to. They have to. It's going to be great. I had a couple of train thoughts since we were watching Murder on the Orient Express, and we can move on. One is, I have never been in a train like that, and I wish I was. You don't see a train like that now. I don't think that exists on Amtrak. Yeah, that's the quiet car. The quiet car actually looks like that.
Sonny00:48:36That's why Bill Kristol's always tweeting from the quiet car, because it's just champagne flutes.
Vic00:48:41Champagne flutes. Or not even flutes, like... A nice little bar on the side. Yeah, okay.
Sonny00:48:45What are the champagne, like... The rounder champagne... Oh, the little goblet ones? Yeah, the champagne goblet. What are those called? Robert Messenger will know that.
Vic00:48:51There is a name for it. I have two. You can still do it, you know. Where? On the Orient Express.
JVL00:48:57It's still there. This is on my bucket list. Who operates my watch? That's what I want to know. Isn't it an Italian company?
Sonny00:49:03I have a very serious question. What does it cost to ride the Orient Express in today dollars?
Vic00:49:10You guys talk, and I will... So I have two trains...
Sonny00:49:13Because you know this is what I worry about is money. Yes, of course. It's the only thing I'm interested in.
Vic00:49:16Of course, and living in style. Having lived in Europe for a year, yes, when I was in Vienna, I trained all over Europe, and obviously in February I did a Eurail pass with my buddy Todd, and we went all over the place, trains everywhere. So I have two thoughts. One is two different kinds of training experiences. One was in Italy. You know, we were all worried. You said, you know, careful. You don't want to get mugged on a train. It's an overnight from Vienna to Rome, right? Overnight. And there was little couchettes. And I was like, three guys. What's a couchette? It's like the thing that you, you know, it's like a... It's like a fold-out bed? Yeah, so it's... It's like you pull it out of the wall? Yeah, so it looks like a banquette, and then it lifts up, and then you have a bunk situation, which is kind of weird. But anyway, and you have four people per, and ours was three dudes and a girl. Yeah, that was weird. Did you know the girl? No, no, everyone's... Me and my two friends, I had two friends, Mark Schaefer and Todd, and then this German, Austrian girl. It was fine. She didn't care to, you know, we were playing cards and stuff, but she was not interested in talking. She wasn't interested in talking with us. And then, but, you know, then the conductor comes by at night, Italian, spoke no English, and said, I need to, you know, but basically, passports, please. Yes, passports, passports. Take your passports, and they took our passports. And I said, I sure hope that, you know, it's safe and secure. But being an Italian train, in the middle of the night, I go to use the bathroom. I walk by the conductor's office, the door is wide open, and all the passports are on a table. Wait, they took your passports? Yeah. They, like, take your passports away from you? They kept them until you got to, like... Like, you know, in the next morning, as if you were going to try... But they were just laying on the table. Okay, very Italian. The second one is in Austria. So, me and two other friends, when we were from Georgetown, we were going to Czech Republic, to Brno, and we were running late. What year was this? Ah, 94. And I was running late. I overslept. And there's no way to reach me. You're in a train. They don't have a cell phone. They can't, you know, the whole thing. And so, you know, I mean, they finally called, I think, from a cafe. Grandpa, what was the pass like? It was ancient. And I make it. So, we get there, and we start running. We said, we've got to book it. We've got to catch this train. Next train's in two hours. We get to the, you know, the, what do you call it? You know. Train station. Yeah, the, you know, the platform. They get to the platform. The platform. And ahead of us are a guy and a girl, a couple. And they're running ahead of us. The train is now moving away from the station, right? But slowly, the conductor guy, the Austrian conductor guy, says to them, no more. Too late. You know, in German, he says, no passengers. You can't enter. But they insisted on going anyway. So they're running towards it. The girl jumps in first. Like four or five seconds later, she gets pushed off the train.
Sonny00:51:55And she tumbles. By one of the Germans? Yes.
Vic00:51:57The Austrian conductor. Yeah. Pushed her. And she curls up in a ball and starts crying. And the guy's helping her like it's okay. Goddamn Nazis. And me and my two buddies were like, you know, we'll catch the next train. Goddamn Nazis. It was really, that was really something. JVL, you have an answer.
Sonny00:52:122,000 pounds. I'm sorry. That takes you from where to where?
JVL00:52:18Venice to London. Wait a minute.
Sonny00:52:21So from Venice to London.
JVL00:52:22It's probably cheaper than first class airfare. Are you ready for this?
Vic00:52:25But it takes you three times as long. But the journey is the trip. Well, it takes you 10 times as long. The journey is the trip. You're not getting it all. I don't know.
Sonny00:52:32So it's like, right, so basically this is the, you're going to write a cruise ship.
Vic00:52:37That's basically what it is.
JVL00:52:38Everything is inclusive. But it's a cruise on rails. That sounds terrible. And it's awesome. That sounds terrible. I would rather. I think it's cheaper than the standard cruise.
Sonny00:52:45There's literally. There's literally nothing. I actually have just found something I would rather do less than go on a cruise. Ride the Orient Express.
JVL00:52:53Oh, Sonny boy. I got to say, I would pay money. Would you pay 2,000 pounds? To shadow you around on a cruise ship.
Vic00:53:00Oh, it's the worst. Oh, no, no. I would never go on a cruise ship.
Sonny00:53:04I would never go on a cruise ship.
Vic00:53:05He would hang out at the bar the entire time. He would hang out at the bar. No, he wouldn't. Because there'd be people coming to talk to him.
Sonny00:53:10You know how I'd. You know how you can get me on a cruise ship? Substandard cruise. If the Weekly Standard paid me money to do a live, substandard show. Oh, yeah. I'm from the stage. But it would have to be a lot of money. It would have to be. Because I'm not. I'm not. Because you couldn't. I couldn't imagine being actually on a ship for any extended period of time. It's the worst. We have airplanes for a reason now.
Vic00:53:34Okay.
Sonny00:53:35We should sink all the ships to the bottom of the ocean, as far as I'm concerned.
Vic00:53:38Thank you, Sonny Bunch. Do we have any further thoughts on this matter? No. Okay. Thanksgiving's right around the corner.
JVL00:53:46Do we know what we're doing next week for a show?
Vic00:53:49Did we discuss this already?
JVL00:53:50I don't know, but, you know, Justice League, three-hour Justice League show.
Sonny00:53:55We'll have the Justice League slash Zack Snyder farewell to the DCEU show. But we'll also, you had mentioned a bracket of some sort. Sounds too hard now. I don't quite understand how that would work.
JVL00:54:05Thanksgiving food bracketology.
Sonny00:54:07But I don't think that would work. I don't quite understand. We'll have to discuss this on there.
JVL00:54:11Well, here's what my idea was.
Sonny00:54:14I set up a bracket.
JVL00:54:16I'm placing all the foods in their various pick and place.
Sonny00:54:19Why would you get to choose the seats? Yeah, you have the worst. It would be too firky.
JVL00:54:22Too firky would be on the bracket. It would be terrible. You know what?
Vic00:54:26Great. You do the work. No, we don't want to do the work. That's the whole point. I do enough work for this damn show. You guys can try doing some of it. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me. Maybe we'll start. 800 words every week. And we'll start taping out. This is where it falls apart. F***ing Roslyn, man. Hey, you get to beep that. What time are we at? 54.53. Great.
JVL00:54:4354.53. I was simply volunteering. I was volunteering to do the work so that you guys could then sit and vote on things and make it all, make the bracket happen.
Sonny00:54:52But that's okay. That's okay.
JVL00:54:53You can do the work.
Sonny00:54:54Here's what I don't understand. Like, would it just be we would have a matchup and then the three of us would vote live on the show?
JVL00:55:01We just figure it out as we go. Like, yeah, Green Beans wins that. And move forward and march everything towards. I would disagree on every point. And then you could declare something.
Sonny00:55:10If Green Bean Casserole didn't win the whole thing, I would riot.
Vic00:55:12No, that was it. That's it.
JVL00:55:13Burn sofas.
Vic00:55:15It's also the... It's the 30th anniversary of the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, as listener Brian Faughton brings up. That is the best Thanksgiving movie. It is. Do you remember the book that John Candy's reading at the airport when Steve Martin spots him? He says, wait a minute. I know that guy. It was a guy who stole his cap. The novel he's reading, John Candy's reading, is called Canadian Mounted. It's a picture of a woman on fours. It's really quite something. That's fantastic. It's very John Hughes.
JVL00:55:43Is that a real book?
Vic00:55:45I don't think so. But you can... You can see the image of John Candy reading it, so it's great. Okay. Spirit of the Week is the same as last week. It's really growing on me, actually. This is the filibuster, The Boondoggler, and it is partly in a regular sort of American white oak, French oak, and sherry cask, and was much needed for this episode. I thought this was a good episode. Yeah. Was this not a good episode? It was a great episode, but I just... Was this not a good episode? I needed to get through. Okay. Corrections and additions.
Sonny00:56:19Apparently, I told everybody something that will kill them. JVL, do you want to explain what...
Vic00:56:24No. I could just... A substandard listener says binge drinkers at college... Jeff. Substandard listener, Jeff. I don't know if he wants to use his name. Who took... Binge drinkers at college who take Tylenol and acetaminophen to deal with a hangover died of liver failure as a result. All right. That's different than ibuprofen. Different chemical structure.
Sonny00:56:42Right? Right. Doctor, last, acetaminophen and ibuprofen, very different.
JVL00:56:46Break it down for us. They do the same thing. But they do it differently. They're blood thinners. Okay. Anyway. They do it differently. I want to know how many of our... The mechanism, as we call it, is different, but they achieve the same goal.
Vic00:56:57How many of our listeners... Not deliver. Delivery's different. How many of our listeners died this week because of your advice, Sonny? All right. Come on. If you're one of these listeners...
JVL00:57:05I'm sorry, but the Grim Reaper over here is trying to blame Sonny for killing people?
Vic00:57:09If you're one of these listeners who have died, please let us know.
Sonny00:57:13So here is... The angel of death.
Vic00:57:14The man who's responsible for the deaths of... Look, look. Dozens of celebrities. I do have a bit of advice. First off... B6. Apparently, B6 is what people take. First off... Or B12. Gary Busey did the shots.
Sonny00:57:23If you are taking... Yes. Look at him. If you're taking health advice from The Substandard, you probably deserve to die. That's number one. But number two, the health risks are when you're talking about massive amounts of alcohol consumption paired with massive amounts of ibuprofen or acetaminophen consumption. And there's a reason I didn't say Tylenols, because that is like... A way of suicide is eating a bottle of Tylenol and drinking a gallon of vodka.
JVL00:57:50That'll do it.
Sonny00:57:51That'll destroy your liver and you'll die horribly. Don't do that. But if you are having a moderate to heavy drinking night and you throw back 400 milligrams, two tablets of ibuprofen, well under the 2,000 or 3,000 recommended limit, you should probably be fine. Now look, there's a very good chance that in 30 years, my liver's just going to shut the F down. You mean 30 months? 30 months. But I assume by then we'll have the robots, the little mini robots that'll go in there and repair it all. So I don't care.
Vic00:58:25I believe the robot is called diagalysis. Yeah, that's fine. Oh no, that's for your kidneys.
Sonny00:58:28You get the nanobots. Nanobots going to be in there? Figure it all out.
JVL00:58:33And you got into Georgetown and I did.
Vic00:58:34Yes, that's right, JVL. Okay, that is all the time we are giving to this episode. Questions, comments, complaints, compliments, tweet us at Victory to Mattis at Sonny Bunch at JV Live. Again, be sure to subscribe to us on iTunes or Google Play. Just type in Substandard on a podcast. We're there. Leave a review. Tell your friends. Until next time.
JVL00:59:04Do you have any outtake thoughts? You know, I have a big life choice.
Sonny00:59:09You got something in a bag there.
JVL00:59:10What the hell is going on? I have a little bit of a prop, but you can add on your life choice. All right, go on.
Vic00:59:13No, I was just...
JVL00:59:14What's your life choice? What's your life choice?
Vic00:59:16I'm not ready to share it yet. Okay, I'll go first. In my bag, I told the kids, Halloween candy, whatever you don't like, whatever you don't like, rejected Halloween candy, put in my bag, and we'll see what people say. Give me Smarties. I'm reaching in. Okay, here we go. Ready? Number one. Generic lollipops. Those are trash. That's like the most trash. That's doctor's office lollipop. That's like in the plastic. There's no label.
Sonny00:59:40Hold that up so I can take a picture of it real quick. I need that. We need people to see. Look at this one. Exactly. Even though it's... The sugar is crystallizing on it. Yes, yes. I'm sorry.
Vic00:59:48Hold on. The high fructose corn syrup. The high fructose corn syrup. And it's only been a week. Okay, so there's that. Okay, next. Milky Way.
JVL00:59:56Wow. It's got all the nougat. I'm sorry.
Vic00:59:58Mm-hmm. Okay. All right, all right. Here we go. There's only one of each I have here. Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Definitely. Oh, Laffy Taffy. Laffy Taffy.
Sonny01:00:05The problem with Laffy Taffy is that it sticks to the thing. Well, this is a thing. Yeah.
Vic01:00:09It's a conspiracy by the dentist. Didn't you say that? Three musketeers. Oh, bullshit. That's bullshit. I'm not even taking a photo of that. You're saying that to my kids? You're telling your kids to get better taste.
Sonny01:00:23Oh, here's one for you. Oh, trash.
Vic01:00:25Twizzlers.
Sonny01:00:26Twizzlers.
Vic01:00:27Not loved. I do. So I had one yesterday. Twizzlers are trash.
Sonny01:00:30It did taste like a movie theater.
Vic01:00:32It tastes like... Oh, interesting.
Sonny01:00:34Oh, you know what? I'm going to have to disagree strongly. But it's gummy.
Vic01:00:38It's not normal life saver. Hold on, hold on. This is life saver gummy.
Sonny01:00:41Okay. Here's the problem with this is that I actually had one of these because it was in my daughter's bag, and I kind of liked it. Okay. I kind of liked it. Oh, yeah. Starburst. No. Starburst.
Vic01:00:53Wait a minute. Wasn't that on your list, Sonny? No. Starburst is so good. Starburst is on your list? Okay.
JVL01:00:57Oh. Ooh. This was not on our list. The Rhinelief of Chocolates. Kit Kat. Kit Kat. Wow. I cannot. I'm having the Kit Kat.
Sonny01:01:04I love Kit Kat. I cannot.
Vic01:01:06Oh, and then another Laffy Taffy. Oh, yeah. Well, it's the same one. But this one is flavored banana. Banana's the best flavor, though.
Sonny01:01:11The worst of all. Oh, no. The banana runs so good. You know what, Sonny? You get it. Yes. Okay. JVL. I'm sure it's fine.
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