#73. The Substandard Halloween Candy Draft Episode

2017-10-26 · 01:13:42

Listen to this episode ↗on Substack, where the show lives now

Full episode (73 min). All three hosts present.

Dudes Chatting — Halloween candy snake draft: The entire episode is a ten-round snake draft of Halloween candies. JVL picks first and sixth in each snake, Vic second and fifth, Sonny third and fourth. Final rosters: JVL takes Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, Snickers, York Peppermint Patty, Sour Patch Kids, Rice Krispie Treat, Watchamacallit, Butterfinger, Special Dark, Candy Corn, and Smarties. Vic takes Nerds, Twix, 100 Grand, Almond Joy, Turtle bars, Mr. Goodbar, Sweet Tarts, Nutrageous, and Baby Ruth. Sonny takes Anything King Size, Skittles, plain M&Ms, peanut M&Ms, Reese's Pieces, Mike and Ike's, Crunch Bars, Starburst, Blow Pops, and Three Musketeers. Corrections segment closes the episode. Spirit/Whiskey of the Week: Old Forester Statesman bourbon.

Full transcript

Vic00:00:00Hello and welcome back to another edition of The Substandard, brought to you by HelloFresh. HelloFresh is the meal kit delivery service that makes cooking fun, easy, and convenient. For $30 off your first week of deliveries, visit HelloFresh.com and enter SUBSTANDARD30 when you subscribe. I'm Victor Matus, along with Sonny Bunch and Jonathan V. Last. I'd like to remind you that TheSubstandard is available on iTunes, Google Play, and Stitcher. Just look on our podcast and search for Substandard. You'll easily find us. Please subscribe, tell your friends, leave a review. In addition, we'd also like to remind you TheSubstandard show notes posted by Jonathan Last are often available on Fridays at 11 a.m. at WeeklyStandard.com.

Sonny00:00:54Gentlemen, how are we? You're going to have to downgrade that from often to...

JVL00:01:00Seldom.

Vic00:01:01From time to time, each season.

JVL00:01:03Occasionally. I don't think you guys appreciate how much work I have to do. Maybe if you would edit the podcast, then I would do the show notes for it.

Sonny00:01:11Maybe if The Weekly Standard would hire somebody who could edit podcasts, then we could avoid all of this. Take it up with your overlords. Wow. Wow.

JVL00:01:20We already haul our asses into the city from Roslyn.

Sonny00:01:24You people out there don't understand how much sacrifice Vic and I make for this show. It takes us literally... It takes us literally tens of minutes each way to come here. Oh, and you do it pro bono, right? And we do it... We come here... And you do it for free, right? We sit here for an hour and a half, and we deal with all sorts of technical hiccups while we're trying to provide you... And we took... The people the entertainment that you demand.

Vic00:01:47We took the Metro in, and Sonny didn't want to take a... We took the Metro in today. Sonny didn't want to take a seat, so I had to hold the handle.

JVL00:01:55And I know that'll drive you crazy, JVL. I'm sure you don't touch the handle, do you?

Sonny00:01:58I'm not an elderly woman. I don't need to sit down on the three stops from Roslyn to... Yeah, but I try not touching anything, and you were in the middle of that car.

Vic00:02:04I'm like, I have to balance like I'm surfing or something. You did look extremely uncomfortable.

Sonny00:02:08I didn't realize that I was... I didn't realize how badly I was messing with you.

Vic00:02:12I felt like Howard Hughes of The Aviator when he meets with Alan Alda, the senator, and he gives him the raw fish.

Sonny00:02:17I was trying to figure out why you kept sliding your jacket sleeve over your hand to put it on the rail. I didn't understand what was going on. It was like the smudge of the glass in The Aviator. The smudge on the glass.

Vic00:02:27Okay, JVL. How are you doing? How are you feeling?

JVL00:02:33Not feeling great. Sick. Didn't really sleep well last night. Was up at four this morning. Feel kind of assy. And came to the office, as I do every day at five. And worked for a little while. Got a bunch of stuff done. And then went for a run. You went for a run in the city? Even though I'm sick.

Sonny00:02:53I think that's a bad...

Vic00:02:54You're not supposed to.

Sonny00:02:55That'll make things worse. Yes. Question. Yes. Did your watch troll you for your pathetic run this time? No.

JVL00:03:00Oh. No. Now, Coach Bennett, from the Nike Run Club, was very, very complimentary for this morning's effort.

Sonny00:03:07How far did you run this morning?

JVL00:03:09Well, I do feel like ass, so I only ran like three and a quarter miles.

Sonny00:03:13So you run in the city. Do you just run up and down the streets?

JVL00:03:16Yesterday, I ran in the city. And today, I ran in the treadmill.

Sonny00:03:21Oh, you ran downstairs. Today, I ran downstairs in the gym at the office.

JVL00:03:25Yesterday, I ran down to the mall and then ran out to the... What? To the Jefferson and back and...

Sonny00:03:32How crowded is your office gym on a day-to-day basis? How many people use it?

JVL00:03:36It depends on the time. Okay. I, as you might imagine, time it so that I go when there's almost nobody there.

Sonny00:03:43Right. You don't ever want to see people.

JVL00:03:44Because I don't want to touch other people. I don't want to be around other people.

Sonny00:03:47You don't want to imagine them sweating on your gear right before you use it.

JVL00:03:51I don't even want to see them.

Vic00:03:52Right. You're talking about the gym in this building. Yes. Where we do it. What drives me crazy are... Well, the people who bang the weights. You ever see these people? They throw it like it's CrossFit where they throw the weights to the ground. Like, you know, they're done. Everybody listen to me as the earth shatters. And then the other thing is people who exclaim loudly while working out. There's a guy in our gym, in our building, Sonny, and he gets on that row machine and I'm not sure what's happening over there. All of a sudden, just lots of moans and groans and loud.

JVL00:04:22On an erg?

Vic00:04:23Yeah. Like, oh, really?

JVL00:04:27I don't know. I don't know. I'm somebody who did rowing in... In college, I can tell you that I often felt that way. I don't think I ever gave vocalization to it.

Sonny00:04:35Did you row in the Potomac when you were at Georgetown to get... Is that how you trained? It's 513, 514.

JVL00:04:42You know, we did row in the Potomac once or twice against Georgetown and we lost both times. Do you know why? Because Georgetown's good at things? Because Georgetown's a place for winners and the school I went to is a school for losers. Have you ever said...

Sonny00:04:57We've said where you go to... Why do you...

JVL00:04:58I don't... I don't like to... I don't want to give them any... I'm not a brand ambassador for that place. For that... For that...

Sonny00:05:05A school in the Baltimore area. A school in the Baltimore area.

Vic00:05:08It's a really good school. Oh my gosh.

Sonny00:05:10It always... No, it's not. I mean, the fact that you are...

Vic00:05:12It's always ranked highly. Resources. They always give... You know how they do the college rankings for resources? Because they have billions of dollars. Don't they have billions? They have a lot of money.

JVL00:05:20They have a lot of money. They have a lot of money. If you go to their... Endowment. Their applied physics lab, they have all sorts of government money in there. But... Yeah, no. Georgetown would always beat us. In fact, you know, I was actually a pretty good rower in college, and I was a pretty accomplished rower, and I was in talks with the Georgetown rowing coach, the crew coach there, when I was attempting to transfer, and then they got my transcript, and I had a phone conversation in which he said to me, yeah, I wouldn't make any plans on coming to D.C. next fall.

Vic00:05:56Oh my gosh.

Sonny00:05:59This is why you never take organic chemistry, kids. Yeah. Nope. This is why you don't take Orgo. Nope. Question. Yeah. Follow-up question. Did you... Sonny, it's painful enough already. You can't... Did you really enjoy the scenes in the social network where Armie Hammer was rowing with himself?

JVL00:06:17You mean where they're at the... Yeah.

Sonny00:06:20Yeah, where the Winklevii are training for the...

JVL00:06:22The Winklevii are against the Dutch. And they're at the head of... God, I forget the one. The one in England. And, yeah, and that's a Trent Reznor score of Flight of the Bumblebee, right?

Vic00:06:34Not Flight of the Bumblebee, but The Mountain King.

JVL00:06:37Is that what it is?

Sonny00:06:37Yeah. It's great. I don't know anything about classical music. It's a great scene.

JVL00:06:41I mean, the truth is, rowing is very hard to dramatize because it is not exciting. It is a boring, boring sport. Even if you're doing it, it's boring.

Vic00:06:49I love that movie. I mean, there's two great rowing movies. That one and Oxford Blues with Rob Lowe. I've never... Go back to the 80s, kids. Watch it.

JVL00:06:56It's a great movie. It is hard to make rowing. Rowing is exciting.

Sonny00:07:00I would... Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, but I do think that Fincher did an extremely good job of kind of showing how their kind of bullheadedness, their kind of commitment to doing what they're doing without really thinking about... Here's what I'll say. I'll say I think that crew and rowing was a very good metaphor for how they kind of viewed the tech world as opposed to Zuckerberg. Now, the problem with Zuckerberg is that you couldn't... There's no, like... He is the least athletic person in the history of man, so you couldn't have him doing, like... I don't know. You would have had to have him playing, like, Go or Reversi or something.

JVL00:07:39But the joy of this is, of course, that they lose in that race, right? So they come in second. Yeah.

Sonny00:07:44Well, second place is first loser.

JVL00:07:46The first loser, right. As No Fear Shirts taught us. Which is great. Actually, one of my favorite scenes in that movie is the coiled rage masked with politeness with which they accept the congratulations. Congratulations from some British well-wisher post-race for their showing. And that's a one... I think the world of Armie Hammer as an actor, and that is in a movie full of great performances from Armie Hammer, that's the best moment.

Sonny00:08:13I think Armie Hammer is fantastic, and it annoys me that Armie Hammer has not been able to capitalize on that to become, like, a renowned world-class actor, right? Like, he tried to make this move into movie stardom and it didn't quite work. Lone Ranger. Like, the Lone Ranger, which he's actually very good in, but the problem is the movie is terribly conceived. Yeah, he's great. The Lone Ranger is conceived as this, like, kind of comic, ridiculous figure, and he is very good in that, but it is a terrible idea for the Lone Ranger. I met Armie Hammer... You did? Oh, yeah. ...before he was a star. Before he was a star. Back before even when he was... When they were in talks for him to be Batman in the George Miller... Justice League movie. Really? He was making a short film that I was there to write about and cover, and he was exceptionally nice. Interesting guy? Smart? He seemed... I mean, I talked to him for, like, five minutes, and then I talked to him for another 20 minutes on the phone, and he was very, very, very, very nice. He seemed very smart. It was a short story based on a Kurt Vonnegut short... It was a short film based on a Kurt Vonnegut short story, and it was, like, pretty interesting, and he had some kind of interesting thoughts about it, but he was just like... You could tell this guy should be a movie star. He, like, just had all the bearing, and, you know... And it was always... I watched him in social network, I was like, yes, this is it. This is the moment. And then everything after that was just like... He's great in The Man From U.N.C.L.E. He's fantastic in The Man From U.N.C.L.E., and he's miscast. Totally wrong in The Man From U.N.C.L.E.

JVL00:09:48No, he's good in the role he's in, but he would have been better, because he is actually charming. He would have... All the things that Henry Cavill can't do because he's so wooden. Beautiful, but wooden. All the things that Armie Hammer can do. Yeah, no, I'm with you, totally. In my perfect world, we get Armie Hammer, Owen Wilson, buddy cop movies, or action-adventure movies together, because he gets to be... He's a leading man, but he's also funny.

Vic00:10:12Don't forget him as Clyde Tolson in the Clint Eastwood movie, Hoover.

JVL00:10:16Yeah, yeah. Range. How was your weekend, Victorino? Did you build anything?

Vic00:10:21Do you have all your fingers? I didn't count. I did get a splitter. Oh. Yeah. It was not... You know, I played it off. I think it was no big deal. Did you leave? I would have left. I said, oh, there's something in my eye. We should remind people...

Sonny00:10:34Was it a metal splitter on a wood? We should remind people where...

Vic00:10:36Oh, yes. A woodshop update.

Sonny00:10:38Because if you didn't listen last week, and shame on you if you didn't, because it was a great episode.

Vic00:10:42My mother found out I was doing woodshop because she was listening to the podcast.

Sonny00:10:46I forgot to mention it.

Vic00:10:48So, yes, my son and I are enrolled in woodshop class for the next, like, month and a half, and it's two and a half hours every Saturday at a community center. And with a bunch of other kids and parents, I think there's maybe four other kids with their parents, and we're building a bird feeder. And so, this last week, we assembled the base, which is basically like a tray. It's elevated. We have on all sides. What we did was we had to get the measurements right, and then we drilled the little walls around the base, and that was basically the first time I really used the drill. Because it had the wrong... There was a drill bit on, and I'm trying to put the screw on top of the drill bit, and this other kid goes, what are you doing? And I said, well, I... And then Michael's like, dude, you have to take it out and put that magnetic thing where you can stick the drill in. Wait, question. Question. You got to pre-drill. You got to pre-drill first. And then you got to put the main drill thing in.

Sonny00:11:48If I understand what has happened, you drilled the hole with the drill, with the drill bit.

JVL00:11:54Did they make you use a manual drill?

Sonny00:11:55Wait, wait. I'm sorry. So you used the drill bit to drill the hole, and then you tried to put the screw on the drill bit.

Vic00:12:03I didn't even do the pre-drill yet. I was just going to put the screw right in there. And so I said, okay.

Sonny00:12:07And not drill a pilot. Do you know why you don't do that?

JVL00:12:10Do you know why you drill a pilot hole?

Vic00:12:12A pilot hole. Is that what they call it? I thought that meant something else.

Sonny00:12:17It was... Well, the pilot hole is the best bar outside of LAX.

Vic00:12:22For certain pilots. I imagine it's because the... For the red eye. If you're taking the red eye. Sorry. Is that too much? All right. What about the brown eye? Yeah, the stink eye. Oh, wow. Wow. We went there. Good show, guys. Because... This really was the best last week ever. I told you. Happy anniversary. Anniversary. We'll get to that. Okay.

JVL00:12:45So the pilot hole. You drill it so that you don't split the wood.

Vic00:12:47Yes. Yes, exactly.

JVL00:12:49Unless you have a self-drilling screw. Do you know about this? So there's certain screws, and they will all be labeled as such, are self-drilling, and what they do is they have along the axis of the... Forget it. It doesn't matter what. It doesn't. Yeah. It doesn't matter what.

Sonny00:13:02The idea that he would ever need to know what a self-drilling screw is.

Vic00:13:05Well, the strangest thing, Sonny, is I'm actually interested now. But anyway, so I also... Time at this point? Did you cry? I don't. Oh, did you bring pictures? So wait, now you're...

Sonny00:13:13Because I have a hope that you're taking pictures at the end of every day. I have pictures of my son, though. I'm not putting that on the internet. Would you say you're now Bill Curious?

JVL00:13:21No, I want pictures of your son. I want pictures of the Bill. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Vic00:13:24I'll get it next time. I'll get it next time. Just listen to me.

JVL00:13:28Here's what I want. I want a picture at the end. Not of every step, just at the end of every session. Okay, like where are we? Right. That's all I want. The last two would look exactly the same. No, no, no.

Vic00:13:38The last one is the base, and now we have the walls around the base. And I'll tell you the other things. I used... So I used a power drill, the table saw. You used it? Yeah, and that was kind of scary because... And Michael, in fact, he loves putting all the gear on, like, you know, for the ears and the... And for some reason, he didn't have anything on, and sure enough, I'm shaving a piece of wood off on the table saw, and the thing goes flying, like a piece of wood, and it was just lucky he wasn't standing in that direction because, you know... And I looked around, nobody noticed, so that's really the important thing. Nobody notices. But the table saw is scary because you don't know if you're... And you got to push it all the way through the saw, and then you got to... You know what? Here's a piece of wisdom for everybody, a piece of advice. If you're working the table saw, before you move anything... Or change anything, wait for the saw to stop spinning. That's what I was just going to say.

JVL00:14:29Wow, that's... Did you then reach out and touch the blade as soon as it was done spinning?

Vic00:14:32No, but Myra was helping me, and I think she almost got dismembered. So the table saw, and I used Myra, one of our instructors, Arthur and Myra, and I used... Hot mic. I used the sander.

JVL00:14:45The sander, the electric sander.

Vic00:14:47That's quite safe. Yes, it is. You can't hurt yourself with a sander. I use it for my nails.

JVL00:14:51The belt sander is a different story. By the way... You used a hand sander, I'm assuming, not a belt sander.

Vic00:14:56Oh, no, it's... No, not the belt sander. Yeah, the belt sander, you can mess yourself up on that. And a hand saw. You used a hand saw?

JVL00:15:04And also... Was this the first time you've ever used a hand saw?

Vic00:15:07I don't think so, but I'm not going to comment on that. The other thing that I'm using next session is the... What do you call that blade that goes in a circular... The circular saw? Yeah, there's another name for it, though. Miter saw? No, no, no, no, no. This is how terrible we are. Oh, boy, it's going to drive me crazy. But it goes around in a circular motion, and you just move your... You could carve things around it.

JVL00:15:32No, the jigsaw is a straight blade that goes up and down. I don't know.

Sonny00:15:35I'm just saying saw names.

Vic00:15:36Okay, so we're going to have to move on. It's going to drive me crazy.

Sonny00:15:38Guys, this is just a really fantastic... Woodshop is over, but that's my update for you. That's my update for you.

JVL00:15:45Look, it's a damn sight more interesting than white wine versus champagne.

Vic00:15:49False. That's false. We have readers all over the spectrum here.

JVL00:15:53I just... I just checked out during that on Wednesday.

Sonny00:15:57We could tell when you did that yesterday. Back on yesterday. So this week... Hey, how was my weekend? Oh, Sonny. Oh, Sonny, how was your weekend? I thought you... You said you didn't remember your weekend. That's right.

JVL00:16:06That's why we sort of glossed over it.

Sonny00:16:07I didn't remember my weekend because you know what happened to me was I was picking my daughter up off the toilet. She's potty training. It's great.

JVL00:16:15Oh. Fantastic. Fun time. Tell me more.

Sonny00:16:17It's actually... She's very smart and has gotten it immediately. She will be a genius polymath of some sort. Probably go to Georgetown and it'll be great. But when I was picking her up off the toilet, I lifted my head and hit my head on the corner of our faux marble kitchen. The vanity? Yeah, the vanity. Thank you. The overhang of the vanity. I just banged my head right up on the top of it and I don't really remember anything that else that happened this weekend. Did you see an image of the flux capacitor? Well, I was trying to not pass out while holding my squirming two-year-old. And Jesus came to me and he said- Okay, good. It was about time. He said, this is the last episode of The Substandard. Well, you know- You gotta stop it. If that's what Jesus says, you gotta do it. But no, it got me to thinking. It did actually get me to thinking, what are the worst around the house injuries? Corner to the head is number one. This is the worst. Number two, stubbing the toe on the walls, the corner of the walls. That is the worst. That's number one for me. And number two, head in the corner, obviously. But then also, shutting your finger in the door. Have you ever done that? I've done that.

JVL00:17:35Yeah, it's bad. The worst I've ever been injured around the house was giving my daughters a bath, and I was kneeling on the floor next to the bathtub, and I heard a pop that sounded like a fire cracker come out of my knee, and I couldn't walk or run correctly for a year. What did you do? I don't know what it was. I think I tore the MCL, actually.

Sonny00:17:59You didn't go to the doctor to figure out what was going on?

JVL00:18:01No, because the answer, if it was the MCL, I do know a little bit about this stuff. I was almost a doctor, you know, and if it's an MCL, there's nothing to do about it, and if it's the ACL, then the only thing to do is surgery, and I didn't have time to do surgery anyway, so I figured, well, we'll give it a year and see how it works. And this is what happened to Roger Federer the same way. He was giving the twins a bath, and he was kneeling next to the bathtub. The bathtub is the silent killer. The bathtub is the silent killer.

Sonny00:18:24This is true. This is where most injuries happen. This is where most injuries in the home happen, in the bathtub slash bathroom area.

JVL00:18:31Or even next to the bathtub. It's just dangerous.

Vic00:18:34Worst for me, I think, was I was carrying Michael when he was a little baby down the stairs, and I'm wearing sweatpants, and they're long, so, you know, like sometimes you step on your sweatpants. Oh, no. And because it's soft on the stairs, I just slipped, and my first, amazingly, my first instance. Did you keep him up? My first instance, I never thought that would be my first instance. That was my first instinct, you know, but it was where I just held him, and I fell. It was one of those comedy routines where you slip and fall flat on your back on the stairs, and that was horrible. Not long later, I had the ruptured disc, and I always wondered if that was a trigger, like it's caused it later.

JVL00:19:08You had a ruptured disc? I did while I was at The Standard. Your body is just a disaster zone. No, it's a disaster zone.

Vic00:19:15L5, L5-S1, extremely compressed.

JVL00:19:18And you look fine from the exterior, but inside, once you go under sub-dermal. Well, it is.

Vic00:19:24I'm like the, I'm literally, literally sub-dermal. I'm like the last car. Duct tape and bailing wire.

Sonny00:19:29Let's not oversell how good he looks from the outside. He looks great. It's, you know, better and better.

Vic00:19:34I'm like the last car in Gung Ho, and then Michael Keaton pretends to drive it off, and then the whole thing falls apart. Okay. So that was, that was. Gung Ho. Gung Ho, great movie, ahead of its time. Okay. Any other thoughts on that, Sonny, on your.

JVL00:19:47I'm just glad we got through one third of the show already. Okay, good. Let's keep going.

Vic00:19:51Now, as you, as listeners know, this is finally. The Halloween episode.

Sonny00:19:55We've been teasing this for months.

Vic00:19:57And I love Halloween episodes. One of my favorite is, by the way, Little House on the Prairie. Go back, I bet you that's on YouTube, where Laura thinks that Mrs. Olsen was beheaded by her husband. It's a, I saw that as, I cried when I saw it, because they do a dream sequence, and it's like Harriet's head is on this platter. I mean, it was really frightening. I cried. Okay. But we're going to talk, I think, first about Halloween costumes. Is that correct? Rank them. Your favorites, right?

Sonny00:20:26Favorite.

JVL00:20:26Just ranking Halloween costumes.

Sonny00:20:28Rankings. Something like that.

Vic00:20:31JVL, talk about costumes. Go ahead.

JVL00:20:33Top three Halloween costumes from my childhood. Number one, Darth Vader. I went as Darth Vader in first grade, and this was the Darth Vader costume in a box, which, Victorino, you'll remember. I have no qualms with that. It was a plastic jumpsuit, which smelled like PVC, and had two ties on it, one around the waist, one around the back. On the back of the neck.

Sonny00:20:54Question. Yes. I'm sorry to interrupt. Did it smell like you would die horribly if a flame even touched it?

JVL00:21:00Yes.

Sonny00:21:00Okay. Yes. Yeah, I think that's true.

JVL00:21:02And it had a mask with a sort of rubberized string around the thing that you put over the front of your face, but only the front of your face, and I was convinced that this was the greatest thing ever, and I would just walk around the house doing the whoo. How old were you? First grade, so this is five years old. Number two, Indiana Jones, second grade. Oh, wow. And I did, you know, I had the fedora hat and the whole nine yards, and it was great. I wasn't allowed to have a pistol. I wanted to have a pistol, but that was not allowed in my commie house. And number three, in third grade, I went as Crockett from Miami Vice. So I had white pants, a pink t-shirt, a white jacket, and I took a piece of coal and gussied it up as if I had five o'clock shadow on my face. That's pretty good. And that was pretty good. I'm impressed.

Sonny00:22:01I thought we were going in a slightly different direction with the coal on the face. Oh, thank God.

Vic00:22:04It just stopped at the stubble. Sonny.

JVL00:22:07What? You have thoughts.

Sonny00:22:08I, uh, I, uh.

JVL00:22:10Crockett, not Tubbs.

Sonny00:22:11Yeah, I know. I know. This is why I was, this is why I was a little bit confused at first. I was like, wait, hold on. This is going to be, this is going to be weird.

JVL00:22:19The very socially conscious people at Mike Waker School. I've been uncomfortable with that.

Sonny00:22:26Um, all right. So I, I, uh, I, I don't really remember a lot of the costumes I had as a child because I never really, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't love Halloween. I tried one year to dress as a like medieval knight. I had like a sword and a shield already. And I like wrapped myself in tinfoil one, one Halloween and it all fell apart within like literally minutes, literally minutes of walk. And I just, I, and ever since then I was, I was, I was off the whole Halloween thing.

Vic00:22:51As a kid, these things are conceptual. Conceptually perfect.

Sonny00:22:54Yes. Oh no. Yeah. Right. I was like, no, look, it's very easy. I've already got the short sword and the shield and I'm just going to wrap tinfoil all around myself and I'll look like a knight. And it just fell apart. And I lived in England at the time. So I was doing this whole like English, British knight thing.

JVL00:23:08Do they do Halloween and trick or treating in England?

Sonny00:23:11Uh, well we were doing it on the, the Air Force base there. So Getty Images, I don't know if you guys use Getty over at the Beacon, but Getty Images homepage right now is how they celebrate Halloween in Tokyo. Is it creepy? Uh, it's interesting. I'll take a look at that when I get back to the office. Vic should go and check that out.

Vic00:23:27Moving right along. Moving right along.

Sonny00:23:29So since I don't really remember the childhood costumes, I'm going with lazy adult costumes. These are, these are costumes you can pull off as an adult, or these are costumes I did pull off as an adult, uh, with very, very minimal effort. Number three, one year I went as, uh, to a Halloween party. Oh no. That's, he's showing how the Tokyoites do Halloween and it's creepy. Creepy and awkward. For you, maybe. Vic is so into it. You're the one with the battleship Yamato and the maple mistress over there. Uh, on Thursday. This is Thursday. Man, it must be. It's room temperature. I just stayed here in the, stayed here in the, the thing. All right, so these are my, these are my three. Keep talking, I'm just showing these to Vic. Three laziest costumes. Uh, one year I went as the ghost of Brett Favre. Wow. Which was, I, I, I. Oh, were you showing your job? I owned, I owned. I owned a Brett Favre jersey, and I wore, like, a little halo, because this was, like, his last year with the Packers when he was terrible, and it was like, God, he's just a shell of himself. He's a ghost of his former self. Get it? Hence.

JVL00:24:33The ghost. Right. Of Brett Favre.

Sonny00:24:36Very good. Uh, uh, number two, this is a, this is a kind of universal go-to that anyone can do at any time. Just go as James Bond. Just wear a tux. You wear a tux, you go as James Bond, you put, you do, like, a finger gun, you're fine. That's all you need is a finger gun? Yeah, you're fine. You do a finger gun, you're fine. Now, look, if you don't own a tux, and shame on you if you don't, if you don't own a tux, you're really missing out on- After a certain age.

JVL00:24:57I, no, I, like, there's, there, like, I-

Sonny00:25:00By the time you get married. If you, if you don't buy a tuxedo for your wedding, and then stay in shape enough to wear that at all of the other weddings you go to, that's the key. Be fat for your wedding.

Vic00:25:10Put on extra weight. Usually people think it's the other way around.

Sonny00:25:12Everyone's like, oh, I'm gonna lose some weight, I'm gonna be in my weight. No, you wanna get fatter so you can fit into that tux. Uh, no, you, you just wear the tux around. The alternate of this, of course. Uh, you can go as Rick from Casablanca if you just buy one of, like, the white dinner jackets. The white dinner jacket. With, like, a nice black tie and white shirt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It, it, it's, it is a, it's a, it's a cheap and quick costume. You do it, it's fine.

JVL00:25:33Do you have a white dinner jacket, Sonny? I did, because I bought one for a Rick costume.

Sonny00:25:37And I never actually used it. We ended up not going to the Halloween party we were gonna go to that year. And I have now, for the last, like, six years, just had a white dinner jacket that I paid, like, $20 for off eBay. Oh, $20. Oh. Okay, that's funny. That, uh, has, has been- Has been there, but one day- So daring. One day, I will- Why is it so daring? The problem with any movie character, uh, as a bearded person, is that you have a, you have a hard time- Being somebody else. You can't, yeah, I, I could be, like, Peck from the Ghostbusters movie, or- Or the guy from the EPA? Right, the guy from the EPA. Or William Adkinson, William Adkinson. I could just wear a suit, like, wear, like, a three-piece suit and say, I'm Peck. But, like, it, it's hard to do if you, if you want to be, like, Rick from Casablanca. Um, but there is one other costume that- That you can do if you're a, if you're a beard-o, uh, who just wants to be lazy. One year, I went as Chuck Klosterman. Just threw on, just threw on a, I threw on a sweater on top of a-

JVL00:26:34You go as Chuck Klosterman every day.

Sonny00:26:35I went, I went as Chuck Klosterman, because I was like, you know what? Chuck Klosterman's pretty famous. He just looks like a kind of beard-o dude. He's got the, you know, sweater on top of the, the Oxford. I can pull that off. I just untucked the Oxford. It's fine. Wore jeans, some, uh, sambas. It was great. Chuck Klosterman, very nice. Chuck Klosterman, the laziest costume I've ever done. He would- It was great. He would have been- That's number one.

Vic00:26:56Yet he would have been impressed, though.

Sonny00:26:58I don't think, I think he would have been weirded out by it. I feel like he definitely would. Chuck Klosterman is the sort of person who's like, if people are going as me for Halloween, what does that mean for me, Chuck Klosterman? And then he would not write for six months, and then he would write like a 3,000-word essay about how it made him feel.

Vic00:27:14I only have like two favorite costumes, I think, growing up. One was, again, at the same time when I was a kid, JVL, it was From the Box. And I was Captain Hook. Which Captain Hook? Oh, Disney Captain Hook.

Sonny00:27:26The Disney, like the Peter Pan cartoon? Peter Pan cartoon Captain Hook. Not the Dustin Hoffman- No, it was way before that time. Captain Hook.

Vic00:27:32Way before that time. This is the 70s. And so, yes, wearing the extremely flammable- Tell us what the 70s were like, Grandpa. Oh my gosh, it was wild. We used to listen, a really quick 70s anecdote, my sister would go, and she was three years older, and she'd just buy an album, and my parents didn't go, that's fine, whatever they album is, that's fine, you'll listen to music, that's cool, we had no limits, we had no restrictions on music, and she bought an album once, which was called A Night at Studio 54, and it was like three or four albums, and it was recorded on two nights of the music that was played at Studio 54, which sounded like the coolest place, and it probably was, but we had no idea what was going on there, and one of the songs was called Push Push in the Bush by Muzik, and we used to listen to that all the time, and just think, oh, you're pushing against this bush, and it was wild, and one of the lyrics is, sometimes you need a piece of pie

JVL00:28:21Two shows in a row. What? You've gone in this direction. What, really? Blackbush.

Sonny00:28:26Oh, yeah, well, you know.

Vic00:28:28In any event, that's my memory of the 70s, is sitting around listening to Push Push in the Bush. Okay.

JVL00:28:33To be clear, you were how old?

Vic00:28:35Seven, eight, okay, but there was so many, Peaches and Herb, there were so many great songs on that album, you can't find that album anywhere, it's not on CD or anything, and it should be. Okay, so Captain Hook was one, and the other one was many, many, many years later, I got so tired of Christmas. I was wearing crappy outfits and just mailing it in, I said, you know what, I'm really going to put my all into it, and I'm going to think carefully about it, and me, this is very obscure, though, me and my buddy Stevie Starris went as the Valens brothers from La Bamba. He was Richie Valens, and I was the brother Bob. You know, that's so interesting. What do you say to this?

JVL00:29:09Do you know who starred in the movie as one of the Valens brothers?

Vic00:29:12Oh, Lou Diamond Phillips? Yes.

JVL00:29:14Oh, well, right. Who is playing you in the movie. That was an old joke, that Lou Diamond Phillips is going to be me. In The Weekly Standard, the movie, Victorino Matus. Victorino Matus would be played by Lou Diamond Phillips.

Sonny00:29:23We should probably, so what is The Weekly Standard, the movie? Can you explain to-

JVL00:29:27This is a game, back when Vic and I were like 22 and were underemployed, I would say, at the magazine, and we would spend time thinking through who would play who in Weekly Standard, the movie. And so, we thought that Bill was going to be Richard Dreyfuss. Richard Dreyfuss. Right. You were Lou Diamond Phillips. Right. Oh, there was a bunch.

Sonny00:29:46Carolyn Wimmer was going to be Angela Lansbury.

Vic00:29:48Or Angela Lansbury.

Sonny00:29:49Angela Lansbury.

Vic00:29:49Helen Mirren was Claudia.

Sonny00:29:51Claudia Anderson would be Helen Mirren, et cetera, et cetera.

Vic00:29:54Gary Oldman is Jody. Yes. Jody Bottom, 100%. Jody Bottom. And then I think the Duke was Fred Barnes would be Fred Barnes.

JVL00:30:02Fred Barnes would be Fred Barnes, because he has his SAG card.

Vic00:30:04He has it. He was in Day. Because he was in Independence Day.

Sonny00:30:06In ID4, Independence Day and 4, right? He does. Does he still have a SAG card?

Vic00:30:10We'd have to ask.

JVL00:30:10I just presume so.

Vic00:30:12He's Fred Barnes. He's awesome. But I will say that one of the things for me, in kindergarten, I had one of those plastic masks, and it was a scary monster mask with multiple eyeballs coming out and the whole thing, and the rubber band snapped on my head, because it was just stretched. It just gave out. It gave out. It just gave out.

JVL00:30:31It gave up the will to live. And that's when I stopped wearing those masks. It's funny, because for me, those masks, they would always slide down. They would slide down.

Vic00:30:38They would slide down. The rubber band was very loose for you. For mine, it was stretched. It really was. It snapped on my head, and that was a traumatic experience. And I will say, because for lots of- Vic's mom took him aside and said, Vic, you're just special. They got me a hat once to wear, and it didn't fit my head. And it was like for adults. Have you ever been tested for hydrocephalus?

Sonny00:31:00I'm curious. Gigantism.

Vic00:31:04Carolyn Wimmer once measured my head here in the office. I remember that. What did she use?

JVL00:31:10It was one of those tape measures that you use for the house.

Vic00:31:14Did she do it by cubic liter volume? You know what? And I wrote it down, because she didn't believe me about that. And then she measured it, and she's like, oh, my goodness. Are your parents large-headed? No, for some reason. It's just me. I'm special. I always think that my father might be, who's that character from Marvel? The thinker? Chrome Dome?

JVL00:31:34What's his name? Which one? The Modok. Yeah, Modok.

Vic00:31:36Modok is actually my father. Anyway, all I was going to say was that, obviously, for Halloween, some people love it. But a lot of people, you know, wearing costumes isn't easy. And you know what else isn't easy? Hello, Fresh knows that eating the way you want to isn't always easy. It can take a lot of energy to figure out what is good for you in season, sustainably sourced, flavorful, and filling. Oh, and don't forget doing all that without breaking the bank. Hello, Fresh recipes will make you feel unstoppable, and your taste buds will thank you. In six easy-to-master steps, they get you chopping, zesting, cooking like a natural. Most of our recipes take just 30 minutes and require minimal equipment. They are constantly experimenting in the kitchen to let fresh, natural ingredients shine. Hello, Fresh offers ever-changing menus, classic ingredients in a new light, and easy-to-find follow recipes to help you avoid that food coma and feel good inside and out. Hello, Fresh currently offers customers a classic box, a veggie box, and a family box. Customers can order three, four, or five different meals per week, designed for either two or four people. New recipes are created every week. They employ two full-time registered dietitians on staff who review each recipe to ensure it is nutritionally balanced. Hello, Fresh is less than $10 a meal. I received my Hello, Fresh box at home, and I cooked Thai spiced pork meatballs, adobo loco steak, and Carolina barbecue chicken, and it was all very easy, very fun, and it felt like being in a restaurant, except for this restaurant has pieces of Lego and toys on the dining room table. Again, you know how to chop, you know how to cook. They bring almost everything to you. Obviously, you should have oil in your house. If you don't, you should buy some cooking oil, but everything else. Whether it be white wine vinegar, whether it be the soy sauce, just the right amounts, the measurements, it's all there. You put it in, you prep it, you cook it. I would say one of the highlights for me for the Carolina barbecue chicken was actually the mac and cheese, the secret ingredient being cream cheese. You put that in there, it makes it on the gamelli pasta. They always tell you-

Sonny00:33:40It's like with everything else. If you add an extra 200 calories, it makes it taste better.

Vic00:33:44It was great, and they actually gave you, you know, two recipes had Thai chilies in it, and you have to be very careful with your hands, make sure you wash your hands, and they say to mince it, but be very careful how much you put in it. So this mac and cheese was so delicious, I wanted it to myself, I put all the Thai chilies in the mac and cheese, and I enjoyed it alone with my wife. None for my kids.

Sonny00:34:05Did Kate appreciate all of it?

Vic00:34:07She liked it. There was a little bit of heat, but you know, I can handle the heat, so I liked it. The other thing is this, I'll say the portions, you think, oh my gosh, you know how these things are. You know, it's never enough for one. It was more than enough for me, and I actually had extra, a little bit left over. So, HelloFresh has a special offer to listeners of the Substandard podcast. For $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, visit HelloFresh.com and enter promo code Substandard30. One more time, to try HelloFresh and get $30 off your first week, go to HelloFresh.com and use promo code Substandard30 at checkout.

JVL00:34:41There you go. Captain Bill Dwyer's sister must have been very, very grateful that you cooked dinner.

Vic00:34:48Yes. But, you know, she liked it. Yeah, it was very good.

JVL00:34:54So, she was really grateful and enjoyed the meal? Yes. Where are you going with this? Why don't you feast on this?

Vic00:35:00Okay. Oh, right. Well, I'll... I don't understand what's happening right now.

Sonny00:35:05I do have a funny line, but I can't use it for the show.

JVL00:35:08Fair enough.

Vic00:35:09It was a reference to Daddy's Sauce. Okay. JVL, this is a big thing. Sonny, you actually had the idea for this. So, go explain what the idea was.

Sonny00:35:20Well, I just thought that we should... I'm sorry.

JVL00:35:21Hold on. That was the most radio Vic ever, and I loved it. Oh, at the low? Yes. Yeah, it's because I'm still getting off the cold.

Sonny00:35:27I love it. In the world?

Vic00:35:29Sorry.

Sonny00:35:30Well, the best part was your mic barely picked it up because you were leaning away from it. I can't stop moving my head. I'm moving around. You don't understand that the thing is you have to talk into the mic. You can't just talk over here.

JVL00:35:42Do you see what's going on, people?

Sonny00:35:43I can't do it. This is what it's like sitting here with Vic.

Vic00:35:46It's too long to eat the mic. Go ahead. That's what she said.

Sonny00:35:50But anyway, we have decided to do a candy draft. We've decided to do a candy draft. Now, I'm stealing this idea from Kissing Susie Colbert, the great NFL football blog that I think still- Formerly great. Maybe it still exists. I don't know. I don't read it anymore. But they used to do this great thing where they would have mock drafts, and it would basically be they would pick a topic like-

JVL00:36:15Uproxx ruined it the way they ruined everything else.

Sonny00:36:17Yeah, I mean, Uproxx is- Yes. Yes. I have many thoughts on this that I don't want to share because I don't want to hurt people. But the idea for this was they would have a topic. It would be something like 70s bands or dinners at home or something like that. And then the guys would go around in the post and each pick one. And so I thought we would do this for candy. We would do this for Halloween candy. And JVL made the suggestion that we should only do things that we've actually received when we were children as- As items. And he also kind of wanted to do a big board that we would scratch things off of. But I think that this is better if you're just going off the top of your head or not- In the case of Vic, if you're going off the top of your head. I'm writing it down. Some of us- I'm writing it down now. Some of us compiled actual draft boards here of our own that we would use and- Oh my God.

JVL00:37:12I spent hours and hours on research. JVL has spent a lot of time on this. I have right here in my hand- An actual draft research report card where I have ranked by vork value over replacement candy. Yes. All of the candies. I got to be honest. I'm in this to win it. And how are we going to decide who the winner is?

Sonny00:37:37And then we thought we would have you people, the listeners, vote on this. You can go to the Weekly Standard's Facebook page. We'll set up some sort of poll or something. I assume you can do this. Or you can just leave a comment or something. Or Hannah can. Hannah can. I don't know. I don't know how technology works. And this is really the Weekly Standard's responsibility, so I'm going to leave it up to them. But we will figure out a way for you to vote on who has the best lineup, the best candy lineup, who had the best candy draft. What's the prize here? What are the stakes? The prize here is pride and your battleship Yamato, I guess. I'm going to just throw that into the mix. If I win, I get to take it home. So if you want me to make JBL sad, you vote for me, regardless of what my candy lineup looks like.

JVL00:38:20I don't think I like those snakes. All right. This is a snake draft. Snake draft.

Sonny00:38:26JBL goes first. Vic goes second. I go third. Then I go fourth. Vic goes fifth. And JBL goes sixth.

JVL00:38:33All right.

Sonny00:38:33If you've ever done a fantasy baseball or fantasy football draft with a snake order draft, that's kind of what we're doing here.

JVL00:38:42JBL, shall we begin? You're on the clock. The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup full-size two-pack. This is the blue chip. This is the blue chip of candies. This is the LeBron James. This is the Peyton Manning pick. The highest pre-draft grade of any of the candies. It is solid, whether it is at room temperature, whether it is a little bit warm and soft. A little melty. Or whether you have frozen it. The pieces are large enough that you can take your time as you eat through them. And because it's a two-pack, there's a second one, so there's not as much of a letdown when you finish the first candy. It has an outrageously high trade value. The only downside. The only downside is with the rise of peanut allergies, you have had a little bit of a limitation in the pool of potential draft trade partners. But otherwise, nobody denies that this is the franchise pick. This is the candy that you build your team around. Sure.

Sonny00:39:37Okay. Great. That's a great first-round pick. Good job. Okay.

Vic00:39:41Nerds. Nerds. You can't find them everywhere anymore. Yeah, crossing off your list, Sonny. You can't find nerds anymore. I remember when they first came out. And I felt weird eating nerds as a nerd. And I didn't want anyone in high school or whatever to see me eating nerds.

Sonny00:39:56That's my number two.

Vic00:39:57That's my number two draft pick. It's like Pop Rocks, but it doesn't hurt. It's a pleasure in your mouth.

Sonny00:40:03And also, nerds are not easy to find outside of Halloween. It's a very specifically Halloween candy. You know what?

Vic00:40:09I'd like to find the giant box, because you never see that. You ever see a giant box of nerds? Oh, man, yeah. I'd like to get a box the size of a cereal box of nerds. Just like Grape Nuts. Yes.

Sonny00:40:18Like a Grape Nuts-sized box of nerds. Except for it.

JVL00:40:20You pour Sunkist on top of it, and you eat it that way. I would eat that. I got to say, boys, in the sugar division, which is where the nerds are, I had nerds graded out as the number two pick on the board. It's a very, very solid pick. Very high pick. Two different flavors, solid mouthfeel. They last for a long time. You work on a box of nerds, you've got yourself 20 minutes of candy enjoyment.

Sonny00:40:40Even the mini box goes for a long time. If you pour... I mean, look, you can shove it all in your mouth at once. Some of us have done that.

Vic00:40:46That's called a party. Yeah. And the other thing... Solid pick, Vic. Thank you. Thank you very much. Also, it's easy on the teeth.

Sonny00:40:53Yeah. Don't make my teeth work.

Vic00:40:54It's Halloween.

Sonny00:40:56Sonny. I'm going to throw a curveball out here. You guys aren't expecting this. I'm doing it. Anything king size. Here's what I'm going with. The whole point of Halloween is to create a massive store of candy. And that means that volume matters more than anything else. Quantity over quality. I will take literally any king size bar, even something as disgusting as a baby Ruth, over like a miniature crunch bar or a Snickers mini or whatever. Any king size bar goes right in my bag.

JVL00:41:30I have a question for you, Sonny.

Sonny00:41:31Yes.

JVL00:41:32Quantity, not quality. Quantity. When you were trick-or-treating, how many houses would give out the king size? Because I got to say, there was only one house in my childhood that gave out king size, and that was Randall Cunningham.

Sonny00:41:45Oh, my gosh. You used to go trick-or-treat from Randall Cunningham?

JVL00:41:48Yeah. He was in my childhood. In my town. And so when you would go to Randall Cunningham's house, it was never Randall who answered the door. It was always Mrs. Cunningham. And she had a whole basket of king size bars, and you picked out the king size you wanted.

Sonny00:42:01But this is one reason why it is such a high draft pick, is because it is rare. Huge scarcity. You cannot get the king size bar in very many places. It's a big value play. When you see a king size bar, you have to take it. And you have to abide by the rules. The people who put out, sometimes you'll go to a house. So there will be a basket of king size bars. And they say, please just take one. Now, I can understand ignoring the please take one sign on like a mini basket of nerds or something. The mini Milky Ways. If you see the mini Milky Ways, you know, I'm going to take two of those. Like, I can understand that. But if you see a please only take one sign on a basket of king size candy bars, you better respect that. Because it is a, it's a big commitment. It's a lot. It's a big commitment by the people putting it out there.

JVL00:42:49Victorino, I have never in my life seen a let people be on their honor system for a

Sonny00:42:56king size. I've seen this. I've seen this.

JVL00:42:58Do you trick or treat at doctor's houses?

Sonny00:43:00There were probably some doctors where I- Because I imagine, Victorino, that your parents gave out king size bars.

Vic00:43:06We rarely- Much like professional quarterbacks. No, we just gave out regular candies. And we rarely had visitors because, of course, my house is also a doctor's office. So most people thought it was not a house. Which is great because you didn't have break-ins either. Interesting. All right. Sonny, you go again, right? I go again.

Sonny00:43:21Snake draft. I'm going to move up a little bit because I don't like how this is shaking out for everyone. I'm going to go my number. So, again, anything king size would top this. Again, king size, Baby Ruth, disgusting candy bar. But I would take that. I would take that over what I'm going to pick next here, which is the Skittles. Skittles are a great Halloween candy. A bag of Skittles goes a very long way in making me a happy, happy individual. I'm a huge Skittles fan. The orange Skittle, number one Skittle. Red Skittle, number two. Yellow, number three. What about green? Green, number four.

JVL00:43:57Wait, where's purple?

Sonny00:43:59Purple? Actually, purple is probably higher than that.

JVL00:44:00Yellow at the bottom. This is a mistake, if I could just say. I have graded out Skittles at number 12 in the sugar division. That's bullshit.

Sonny00:44:08That's a bullshit ranking. I got to say, this is like using your number one pick on a running back.

JVL00:44:14They make more of them. There are other running backs out there. No matter how good your running back is, there's another one out there.

Sonny00:44:19Skittles are the number one sugar snack. I'm sorry. I got one better than that.

Vic00:44:25I better take sugar again, but I need to get my chocolate soon. Judging by the way this discussion is going, I think I'm safe with my choice of favorite chocolate. I'm going to go with another one from the sugar division. I'm going to say The Everlasting Gobstopper. Oh, that's a true. I'm going to last for hours.

Sonny00:44:41I don't even have that on my top 30. What?

Vic00:44:43Not even on my top 30. I remember, I didn't even know Willy Wonka was an actual brand. Because I had seen the movie.

Sonny00:44:50I was actually kind of curious about that. They must have paid Roald Dahl's estate or something.

Vic00:44:56Had to have, because I don't think there was an actual Willy Wonka chocolate. Because I'd buy it, though. He's not a real person. He's not a real person, man. Who wouldn't buy it, though, right? If you saw and think you could get a golden ticket, holy smokes.

JVL00:45:09I say holy smokes because I don't have to censor it.

Vic00:45:10Holy smokes! Gee willikers! Yes, gee willikers. You're going somewhere. You just want to have that thing in your mouth.

Sonny00:45:19Yeah, you just want that thing in your mouth, huh? Round. Yeah. And just, you know, play around with it.

Vic00:45:24You want that hard thing in your mouth? Yeah, bite it a little bit. Just a little nibble. Just a little nibble, not too much. And that's the everlasting gobstopper.

JVL00:45:32JBL. So I think you guys have both made a strategic mistake here. I mean, the chocolate division is the quarterback position of the candies. I'm not going to sugar's first. And you guys have gone to sugar's first. You drove me to it, Sonny.

Sonny00:45:45Here's the problem, though, is that you are assuming that everyone has the same tastes as you. Which is not necessarily the case. Everyone does. I crowdsource this. Chocolate is trash.

JVL00:45:52I crowdsource this. Chocolate is the trash. And let me tell you, I can't believe this. Unless it's white chocolate. I got to say, I'm surprised that this is on the board. I can't believe it. Because I had graded out as the number two pick overall, Snickers. And here it is, still sitting on the board at one, two, three, four, five, at the number six spot.

Sonny00:46:10It's literally where I have it on my list. Number six. I am taking Snickers. Number six is Snickers.

JVL00:46:13It satisfies. It keeps you from being hangry. It has some peanuts. It has some caramel. The Snickers. Snickers is an amazing, amazing candy. Really, the cornerstone of anybody's candy basket haul. And the fact that it fell to number six, this is like picking Michael Jordan with the number three spot. And I got to say, I feel really good about the rest of my draft now.

Vic00:46:35I'm picking Kwame Brown.

Sonny00:46:36Number six. Snickers. Look, again, this is literally on my list. That's where I had Snickers, at number six. And I like the Snickers bar. Don't get me wrong. I think it's a great candy. It gives you a lot of energy. But it's not really. It's not really sweet enough for me. I need sweeter.

JVL00:46:51So I am now presented with a problem, because now it's my pick again. I get six and seven. And my number one picks in both the jelly division and the sugar division are still on the board. I could go with either of those. But my number three graded candy overall is still there. And even though it's chocolate, I'm going back again. The York Peppermint Patty. Oh, that's a good pick. Dark. I'm not. That's a good pick.

Sonny00:47:19I actually don't even have this on my board. I had totally overlooked the York Peppermint Patty. It's a great pick.

JVL00:47:24Here's why. First of all, dark chocolate. Second of all, there is no competitor. There is no. In the mint category, that's it. In the mint, that's it. There's no one out there who does mint and chocolate.

Sonny00:47:34After eight. Third. After eight is what. Well, except like in Andy's or something.

JVL00:47:37You don't get them, right? Yes, Andy's. Oh, but Andy's are garbage.

Sonny00:47:40Nobody gives those out for Halloween.

JVL00:47:41But here's the thing about the New York Peppermint Patty. The York Peppermint Patty is the closer of your candy.

Vic00:47:47Yeah, yeah.

JVL00:47:47Because after you've had every candy. After you've had everything else done, as your aperitif, the little thing you put on your cordial to your digestif, you have your York Peppermint Patty, and then you're done. You're sated. And I'm feeling great with the New York Peppermint Patty. Victorino, back to you. Good pick.

Sonny00:48:04I like that pick.

Vic00:48:05I've got to bolster my pick. I got a little carried away with the Everlasting Gobstopper because it's fun and it's rare. So number three for me is 100 Grand.

Sonny00:48:13Oh, Jesus. I love that. That's an awesome pick.

Vic00:48:16I'll tell you something. That's a gutter candy. Are you kidding? I'll tell you something. I'll tell you something very funny. I mentioned my sister twice on this show. When we were kids, my sister thought, looking at the commercials, she thought it was like a big piece of meat, which is grand, because it looks like beef, you know? And she's like, what is this? But in fact, it's great. I feel like 100 Grand when I eat it. And it's a mixture of everything. It's crunchy, it's chewy, and it's chocolate. And you know what? I don't see ... How often do you see 100 Grand anymore?

Sonny00:48:42That's not on my list. It's a solid value. I have that at number four overall. That's not on my list. Thank you. I'm raising both my arms. That is not on my list because I'm not a fan of 100 Grand. That's not on my list because I reject the 100 Grand bar. It's a disgusting trash candy that no one should eat.

Vic00:48:54You're saying it's worth less than 100 Grand? Terrible.

Sonny00:48:56I would rather eat raisins. I would rather eat a box of raisins than a 100 Grand bar.

Vic00:49:02I have a question for you, Sonny. What would you take, 100 Grand or pennies? What would you take?

Sonny00:49:06Well, we'll get to pennies.

Vic00:49:07I have a question.

Sonny00:49:08Yes.

JVL00:49:09You could have 100 Grand, or you could get a Bible comic book from the Jehovah's Witness house. Which would you prefer?

Sonny00:49:18Probably the Bible comic book, because then at least I can make fun of the Jehovah's.

JVL00:49:22No, don't make fun of the Jehovah's. I would say of the three Jehovah's Witnesses I have known in my life, they've been among the most lovely people I know.

Sonny00:49:29Look, I don't doubt that. That doesn't surprise me. They seem like very nice people, but I'm still going to make fun of them for their awful comic books.

JVL00:49:36Okay.

Sonny00:49:36Okay.

JVL00:49:37Down to you, Sonny.

Sonny00:49:38Yeah, you, Sonny. Next up for me, M&M's. I'm sorry. M&M's? No, clarify. M&M's, plain. Not peanut.

Vic00:49:48Good. It's happy for everybody. F your peanuts. Fun for the family.

Sonny00:49:51Right. And I get to go again, right? M&M's, peanut!

JVL00:49:55Much better. Much better. I question your ordering of this, because-

Sonny00:49:59No, I was just trying to create some tension here. Some tension. Now, Sonny, honest question. I have all of the M&M's now.

JVL00:50:06Honest question. Yes. Which do you prefer, plain or peanut?

Sonny00:50:11Plain. I prefer plain. I actually, the order that I took them in is the order that I prefer them.

?00:50:15Really?

JVL00:50:15But peanut gives you protein.

Sonny00:50:16I understand that people- Have made the argument for peanut because it gives you the protein. It staves off the hanger. It staves off the hanger. But I am a big fan of just the plain chocolate peanut, or no peanut M&M. That's what I like. That's what I prefer.

JVL00:50:34That's a very solid choice. The other, if I could just say, I don't know about you guys, for me, Halloween was always about making your candy last as long as possible. Yeah. And the M&M's there simply can't be beat. Yeah. Even a mini packet of M&M's- Oh, that'll last. Yeah. That'll last for a long time.

Sonny00:50:50You just do one, you pop one in your mouth, and you suck on it a little bit, you chew it, it's great. You can get a solid 10 minutes out of a mini packet.

JVL00:50:56The other thing about, now you don't understand this, because you're an only child, right? No, I have a sister. Oh, well, I had always found my experience- For all these years. Was that the plain M&M's are trade bait for some sucker. Because there's always some younger sibling who sees the plain M&M's as, oh, I'll give you anything. Here's five York Peppermint Patties for your one plain M&M. Yep. Great pick.

Sonny00:51:20Look, this is one of the benefits of being at the back end of the snake draft, is that you can really dominate a market in this sort of way. You have to go twice.

Vic00:51:28I feel like I'm bowling once every time I'm in the middle here. All right. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you ever see too close to a guy?

Sonny00:51:33Considering how much effort you put into this before we even got here, Vic, I feel real bad for you.

Vic00:51:38I'm kidding, Sonny. I wrote a little list here. I was kidding.

Sonny00:51:41Okay.

Vic00:51:43I'm taking evasive maneuvers. I don't know how much time we have, so I'm going to go with- We're just going to keep going. We're just going to keep going. It's going to be an extended episode. 80 rounds.

Sonny00:51:50I didn't realize that this was-

JVL00:51:51The draft goes three days.

Sonny00:51:51I didn't realize how amazing this was. We're 20 minutes into this. It's going to be great.

Vic00:51:55I have some that are really high up in my list, but I have the sense you guys don't like it, so I'm going to save it for later. No, no, no. I'm taking a chance. I'm taking a chance. Okay. I'm going to go with Twix.

Sonny00:52:06Oh, Twix.

Vic00:52:06Twix is a good choice. I like Twix. Do you know what's amazing about Twix? I'd like to go to the factory-

Sonny00:52:10The two pack of Twix?

Vic00:52:11Oh, well-

Sonny00:52:12Yeah, obviously.

Vic00:52:12If they do that, more often than not, it's fun size, but I'll tell you what's the exciting thing about Twix is I like to eat it where I'll get the chocolate part out of the way and then I'll just eat the cookie part. I could suck the chocolate off. So you suck the chocolate off? The chocolate and the caramel? Yes. Now, it's an oblong-shaped candy, correct? Suck the chocolate off.

JVL00:52:30It's an oblong. You could suck the chocolate off of Twix, that guy.

Vic00:52:34I want to go to the factory and just eat the cookie. Can I just buy the cookie? Because I bet you something. I bet you something. I bet you that cookie's good. I bet you that's a good cookie alone. Without anything. I don't know anything about that. My draft experts. So, Twix. Oh, by the way, and Twix in German is called Raider. Yes.

JVL00:52:50My draft experts, who compiled a list of the biggest, obvious draft busts, Twix is number two on that list. I don't know why they would say that. Huge, huge. Why would Twix say that? This is a classic mistake. Why is that a classic? No, you think to yourself, oh, there's multiples of them. Oh, there's chocolate. But the truth is, when you get down to it, nobody likes Twix. There's no true value for it. I like Twix. I like Twix.

Vic00:53:12I love Raider. Ich liebe Raider. Honestly. I'm glad you took it.

Sonny00:53:16The people that you talk to on Facebook are idiots. They're steering you the wrong way. You know what? You have like Dan Snyder's draft team, basically, right now. I just want you to know that.

JVL00:53:26So, my pick, the next pick. Now, I feel like I've dominated chocolate, and so I can branch out a little bit. And I'm going to go a little crazy here. My number one pick from the jelly division, Sour Patch Kids. That's a good one. Sour is so good. Sour is so good. And you don't want to eat sour all the time. But when you want it, there is nothing better than the Sour Patch Kids. Share your work with the rest of the class.

Sonny00:53:5326. 26 on my list. I mean, look. There's something to be said for Sour Patch Kids if you're sad. If you're a sad, lonely child. Maybe that's why I like them. You don't want to be happy, and you want to feel the tang on your tongue. But it's really not a great candy. Sorry.

JVL00:54:12My number one pick in the sugar division, which I am shocked is still on the board this late, the Rice Krispie Treat. The Rice Krispie Treat is the closest that you get to eating a piece of candy that feels like it's homemade. Sorry. I don't remember getting that. Sorry.

Sonny00:54:29Are you talking about the Rice Krispie Treat in the little pre-made? In the blue foil. In the little blue foil. Okay. Yes. Okay.

Vic00:54:36I don't think I've ever seen it.

Sonny00:54:37Oh, no. Sorry.

JVL00:54:38I used to eat the handmade Rice Krispie Treats that the neighbors would give out. That's fine, right? Handmade candy that your neighbors just hand to you, not in their package? Yeah. That's why I eat the apples.

Sonny00:54:47I eat the apples with the little slices in them.

Vic00:54:50With the little needles and razor blades.

JVL00:54:52The Rice Krispie Treat is, in a world where everything else feels chemically enhanced and feels like it's manufactured in an assembly line, you can delude yourself into thinking that the Rice Krispie Treat is almost like the homemade thing that your parent who loves you actually made for you.

Sonny00:55:09That's a good pick. I'm going to throw that out there. It's a good pick. Homemade is better, and it's so much better that it makes the factory Rice Krispie Treat taste like trash.

JVL00:55:19Well, you would have to have had somebody make you a homemade Rice Krispie Treat to know the difference, wouldn't you, Sonny?

Sonny00:55:23Yeah, but this is not all of us. Again, you're operating from a very specific set of parameters that I don't think apply to many other people. So, this is Vic.

JVL00:55:35Vic, your fifth round pick.

Vic00:55:36Yeah, go get my fifth round pick. Even though it's not on top of your list, I'm sure it's not on top of your list because people have a lot to say about it. Very specific tastes, and either they love it or they hate it. I'm going for it because I need it for myself, okay? I need it for myself. Almond Joy. I like coconut.

Sonny00:55:52See? That's disgusting. See, I told you. That's an awful pick.

Vic00:55:56I love coconut, and I love almond and coconut. It's not on my list. It's two in one. I love coconut.

JVL00:56:01I have a question. Well, here's my question. Why Almond Joy over Mounds? I have them graded very high together, but this is like picking one of the two cans from Stanford over the other. Another twin from Stanford? Like, how do you know which one you want?

Vic00:56:15I had the argument with my wife last night about this, because she prefers Mounds because it's dark chocolate coconut. I like the almond. It's like getting two meals in one. It's like getting a martini with a twister and olive. I choose the olive because I got a meal in there.

JVL00:56:26The almond feels like an interloper to me.

Vic00:56:28No, no.

JVL00:56:28If I wanted an almond, I would go to a bar and get the little nut bowl and pick the almonds out of it. Almond, almond, almond, coconut. I'm into candy. I just want chocolate and coconut. I want coconut and almond together. I think it's great. Dark chocolate. It's a solid pick for dark chocolate.

Vic00:56:40Well, for Mounds. Yeah, Mounds. It's dark chocolate. Isn't almond? No, almond choice is milk. That's why there's a big divide. Oh, that's garbage. Okay, moving right along. Sonny.

Sonny00:56:50Let's see. What round am I? What round is this?

JVL00:56:52This is round five.

Sonny00:56:53This is round five. All right. I'm going to go with Reese's Pieces.

JVL00:56:58That's a solid one. Reese's Pieces.

Sonny00:57:00How dare you? There is no other Reese's Pieces. It is on the board by itself. There is no other bite-sized M&M-like sweet peanut butter.

Vic00:57:10Popularized by?

Sonny00:57:11E.T. E.T. Yeah, that's right. That's right. So Reese's Pieces is my pick.

Vic00:57:16I love it, and I rarely see it anymore.

Sonny00:57:19I'm going to go with ... Hold on. I'm looking down my ... I think I'm going to go with Mike and Ike's next. I'm a giant fan of Mike and Ike's.

Vic00:57:29Oh, the variety of different Mike and Ike's? Love the Mike and Ike's. The Mike and Ike's universe? No, no, no, no. Which one?

Sonny00:57:34Not all Mike and Ike's. Just the original Mike and Ike's. Not the tropical Mike and Ike's or any of that crap, but the original just green, orange, red, yellow. So Mike and Ike's are king of the fruit candies. I could eat a whole giant box of Mike and Ike's in one ... I feel bad afterwards. I feel sick afterwards, but I will eat a whole giant box. When Beth knows I've had a bad day, when my wife knows I've had a bad day, sometimes she will come home with a giant box of Mike and Ike's, and I'm like, this is why I love you. You're the best. Very sweet.

JVL00:58:04You know, I'm very interested in your draft. I mean, clearly your draft philosophy has manifested itself on the board, which is that you want ... You want players for your squad who last for a long, long time, which is why you've chosen all these packages with lots of tiny pieces in them. This is why ... It's an interesting ...

Sonny00:58:21You're quantity over quality. You are Bella checking this. This has always been ... Anybody who has ever come home with a giant pumpkin full of candy has always measured it against their other friends and said, well, mine is bigger, so mine is better. Quantity has always been better than quality. I'm surprised it took you six rounds to figure that out.

Vic00:58:42Victorino? Nutrageous, but I think you have to go back in time.

Sonny00:58:45Oh, no!

Vic00:58:48Yes, I took Nutrageous. But where do you find Nutrageous anymore, right? I don't know anybody.

JVL00:58:52Nutrageous is the greatest candy bar ever made.

Vic00:58:57Yeah, as long as you don't have an allergy to peanuts, tree nuts or peanuts, this is your candy. Ever made. It's packed.

JVL00:59:04I am so, so hurt.

Vic00:59:09You know what it was like? It's like ... Any other nut candy, but on steroids. It was Nutrageous. Okay. JVL.

JVL00:59:17We need a ruling from the judges.

Sonny00:59:18Okay.

JVL00:59:19Which is? So I had wanted to pick Nutrageous, but I thought it was so niche that I could wait until the eighth round for this. Nutrageous was ceased production in 2014, at which point it was rebranded as The Nut Bar. So could I pick The Nut Bar? No.

Sonny00:59:36You said that we could only pick things that we received as children. Unless you received The Nut Bar.

JVL00:59:41Because I have a very special pick for that. Very, very hurt. Okay.

Sonny00:59:45So.

JVL00:59:46Vic, that's a great pick. Thank you. That is a great pick. My next two picks.

Sonny00:59:52Yeah, we're at one hour already, so we should pick it up. Okay, fine.

JVL00:59:56I'm going to blow you away with this.

Sonny00:59:59Away.

JVL00:59:59Watchamacallit.

Vic01:00:00Ah!

JVL01:00:02Gutter. Gutter candy. The Watchamacallit is one of the great peanut-based candies ever.

Sonny01:00:07Look at this. It's right here. You guys with your peanut-based candies. I don't understand it.

JVL01:00:11And then I'll follow that up with the Butterfinger. Oh, Butterfinger's a good choice. The Butterfinger is another one of those candies that is a niche, but it's a very, very deep niche, and there's no competitor. There is no competitor. So if you have a sibling who really likes Butterfingers and you load up on them, you can extract blood from your little sister.

Sonny01:00:29The Butterfinger is best.

JVL01:00:30For instance, your little sister Monica, who loves the Butterfingers, and you could say, huh, I would give you my last Butterfinger for three York Peppermint Patties, two Snickers, and five Watchamacallits. Watchamacallits, and she'll just say, fine.

Sonny01:00:42The Butterfinger is also very good as an ingredient in other things. Oh, ice cream. For instance, blizzards. Oh, yeah. Or ice creams. Yeah.

Vic01:00:51Vic, there we go. Vic? Do you ever get those turtle bars every now and then? They give you turtle bars. You ever see those things? I don't know what that is. No. It's like a combination. It's like a cluster.

Sonny01:00:57Oh, it's like peanut and caramel and chocolate, right? Yes. Oh.

Vic01:01:00Going for that. Thank you.

Sonny01:01:02You, I, this is, I am. And it's big.

Vic01:01:04And I think like Russell Stovers that makes it. I've only thought of them. Yeah, yes. Yes, yes.

Sonny01:01:09All right, well, put that down for me. Thank you. All right. This is, this is ridiculous. The, the, the overabundance of chocolate on this draft board has been absurd. You'll see.

JVL01:01:17The people will speak.

Sonny01:01:19I'm going to go, with my next pick, I'm going to go Crunch Bars. Crunch Bars love the Crunch Bar. And Crackle Bars are trash. Crunch Bars.

JVL01:01:29Crunch Bars can't. Nestle. You're talking about Nestle Crunch.

Sonny01:01:32And.

JVL01:01:33Wait, what is Nestle Crunch? Is this different than Nestle Crackle?

Sonny01:01:37You don't know what a Crunch Bar is? Crackle. Crackle is Hershey's. Crackle is Hershey's.

JVL01:01:40Oh, Nestle Crunch is, okay, yes.

Vic01:01:42Nestle Crunch used to do commercials for, with tennis stars.

Sonny01:01:45Next one I'm going to throw out there, Starburst. The little two-pack of Starbursts.

JVL01:01:49No, no, no. Little two-pack of Starbursts.

Vic01:01:51Do you, do you eat that?

JVL01:01:53And then do you immediately schedule your appointment with the dentist? You know who, you know who created the Starburst? The American Association of Dentists.

Sonny01:02:01Well. Thank you. It creates business for them. I agree. As, as someone who has never had a cavity, that doesn't bother me.

Vic01:02:07Are you, like, unbreakable? Did you ever think that maybe?

Sonny01:02:10Never had a cavity. F'n mic drop.

Vic01:02:13Victorino. When I was six, I had nine cavities in my mouth. I looked like Jaws from James Bond. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Sonny01:02:19That sounds, knowing, knowing what I know about you and your family, that sounds about right.

JVL01:02:22I had Starbursts graded out at number 10 in the sugar division. Classic mistake. Yeah. Classic mistake. Because the only people who eat Starbursts are the people who have eaten everything else. Yeah, yeah. When you get to the end of your candy pile, it's always Starbursts. No, no, no, no. It's always.

Sonny01:02:35This is such, this is such absurd. Yeah. You, you picked effing Whatchamacallits ahead of Starbursts. Are you kidding me?

Vic01:02:42Whatchamacallits is fantastic. The Whatchamacallits is amazing. It is amazing. It is amazing. At the end of the day, it's going to be what's left in my bag. Starburst and Good and Plenty. We got, we got, we got things to do. Good and Plenty Rat Poison Pellets. Okay. Fine. I'm beginning to panic over here. I'll have to take Mr. Goodbar. It's the last of the chocolates and peanuts. It's very simple. But it's, it's very elegant.

Sonny01:03:02You people with your chocolates and peanuts, I don't understand. I like Mr. Goodbar. You're getting all of the same taste. It's over and over again. The best thing about the fruit candies is that you get multiple tastes in each, in each box. And it's like you, I find this all unbelievable. Go ahead, JBL.

JVL01:03:19That's a solid pick, Victorino. Thank you. The next pick I would take, looking at my board here, I'm, I'm amazed it's still there. Special Dark.

Vic01:03:30Oh, yeah, no, if you're into sophisticated, because, thank you, Sonny.

Sonny01:03:35I just made the jerking off motion into the, because it's.

JVL01:03:37I'll save it for the next Substandard Live. And then, after, after Dark, I, I'm going to go with something that you're, this is going to be a controversial choice. Candy Corn.

?01:03:51Ooh.

Vic01:03:51It's not bad.

JVL01:03:52For me. Yeah, no, it's traditional. Candy Corn is the white chocolate of sugar candies. But there are people out there who love it, and I feel like if I'm going to have a well-rounded squad here, you got to have, it's like the tight end. Candy Corn's a good. Candy Corn is a good choice. Lock and tight end.

Vic01:04:08Isn't Candy Corn more of a free-floating candy when. Candy Corn. You get them in little bags. It's a thing. You can get them in little bags. Oh, yeah. Because sometimes I think they're just floating there.

Sonny01:04:15You get like the Brock's bags.

Vic01:04:17Okay, because sometimes you just find them in your bag alone and naked.

JVL01:04:21Okay.

Vic01:04:22All right, Colonel. You're not going to, you're not going to believe this, but I'll add one. This is number nine on my list, I guess. Sweet Tarts.

JVL01:04:30Ooh, Sweet Tarts. I like that. I like that.

Vic01:04:33It's, it's, it's not too crazy. It's not too Sour Patch crazy. It's not a warhead.

Sonny01:04:37No, no.

JVL01:04:37I mean, there are people who are really into it. And that hurt me. Who are into pain.

Vic01:04:40Yeah, Michael made me take a warhead once. It was like, quote, quote, quote, great. Atomic warhead. Yeah. Before there can be pleasure, there must be pain. No, and it was all pain. It was terrible.

Sonny01:04:51So, Sweet Tarts. What, am I on the seventh pick?

JVL01:04:55This is one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. This is nine and ten for you.

Sonny01:05:00Nine and ten. Should we stop after this? Yes. Yes. All right.

JVL01:05:02Ten.

Sonny01:05:04Well, if these are my last two picks. So, I'm going to go with, man, I'm going to go with Blow Pops.

JVL01:05:14That's a very good pick.

Sonny01:05:15A Blow Pop is two candies in one. Yes, again, the two candies in one. You get the sucker and you get the bubble gum. It's great. And it's a hundred times better than the Tootsie Pop, because the Tootsie Roll is garbage. Tootsie Pop, also two candies in one. Tootsie Roll, garbage.

Vic01:05:29I don't like Tootsie Roll at all.

Sonny01:05:31For my last pick, I'm going to go with one of my favorites. One of my favorites here. The Three Musketeers Bar. I love the creamy nougat. Nougat. I love the nougat. That's all I want. I just love the, you know, I have no white chocolate on my list.

Vic01:05:45I'm going to throw that out there. What about the Hershey's white chocolate cookie? I'm going to throw this. The cookie and cream? Yeah.

Sonny01:05:50I have no white chocolate on my list, and the nougat will be the closest I get to white chocolate.

Vic01:05:54I thought that had Sonny Bunch written all over it.

Sonny01:05:56Three Musketeers Bar, I love the Three Musketeers Bar, and I only ever get to eat it at Halloween. Huge mistake.

JVL01:06:03Huge mistake. Three Musketeers and Milky Way. If you don't go nougat, you are going poor man Snickers. Nougat is so much better. No, but it's so much better. It's like molten plastic from an old Ikea bookshelf.

Sonny01:06:16Also, if I can get it in the 10th round instead of the second.

JVL01:06:19It's a wasted pick even in the 10th.

Vic01:06:21Victorino? I was stuck between two that Sonny will definitely hate, which is Baby Ruth or Goobers, but I don't know if I remember getting Goobers for Halloween. You get them in the movie theater because they're a big box, and you definitely choose Goobers over Raisinets. I'll just go with the Baby Ruth. I'm fully formed. I've got a very strong offensive line. Not many receivers, but a very, very strong sort of.

Sonny01:06:43I think your guys' lineups are all trash. I am totally baffled by all these choices.

Vic01:06:48And I love Baby Ruth. Even after Caddyshack, I love Baby Ruth.

JVL01:06:51Okay. Baby Ruth is a solid pick. I'm not going to lie. So this is my final pick here. Hold on. Will you guys vamp while I count to make sure that we're all on the same number?

Sonny01:07:00Hi. Hi, Vic. How are you doing? I'm doing great, Sonny. Well, we're just talking here because JBL's counting.

Vic01:07:06While he's counting, I forgot. I forgot to mention I went to the Mount Vernon yesterday to celebrate the 10th anniversary of George Washington's distillery. Oh, good. Yeah, how'd that go? I got all the shoutouts. It was a lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. He was drinking unaged rye. He? George Washington. President and distiller. Oh. Yes. Good for him. You could buy it there, by the way, at the Mount Vernon gift shop. Okay.

JVL01:07:26All right. So we are at the very end of the draft here. This is my 10th pick. And the only place that I'm a little weak is in sugar. And I've got a real question. A real thing to go here. And I don't know whether I should go Smarties or Bazooka Joe. Ooh. Smarties.

Sonny01:07:44I would go Smarties. Smarties were very high on my list.

JVL01:07:47And I'm going to go Smarties, because as a kid, I wasn't allowed to have gum, so I wasn't allowed to actually chew Bazooka Joe.

Vic01:07:53So no guns and no gum. So I'm going to have Smarties to round out my draft pick.

JVL01:07:59I have to say, looking at this now, if we do a quick post-draft analysis. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I've got to say, I'm very proud of us. All three of us have assembled. Very good squads, I think. And more importantly, we missed the two classic draft traps. Milky Way? No. Kit Kat? Oh, right! Which is the most, oh, you think you want it, because like, hey, look, there's wafers. There's wafers in it. And there are three of them, or four of them, or two of them. There are lots of them. Look, and then you eat it, and you are unsatisfied. You know what? I would take a four. Kit Kat doesn't satisfy.

Sonny01:08:32No, but here's the thing. I would take a four wafer Kit Kat over a mini Snickers. Every time.

Vic01:08:37Again, you're king size. Again, this is your king size. Every time.

Sonny01:08:40That's a lot of wafers.

JVL01:08:41Milk duds. Oh, milk duds are trash. Oh, no, no, no. Milk duds are trash. Nobody likes them.

Sonny01:08:45I honestly don't know who likes milk duds. You people out there in substandard, expanded universe, tell us who likes. Right. Because that's the only person who's listening at a minute, at an hour and nine minutes. An hour and nine in.

Vic01:08:58When you're eating the milk dud, you think to yourself, hey, why did I do this, and how can I best avoid getting a cavity? Because I feel like it's going to happen at any moment.

Sonny01:09:05They're horrible.

JVL01:09:06Okay. Yeah. And I will say that at my little hippie Quaker school one year, they conned us into doing trick-or-treat for UNICEF. You got pennies? And I got pennies and a little box for UNICEF. Oh, my God. That's the year that I became a conservative.

Vic01:09:23Because I looked at that at the end of it.

JVL01:09:25You got mugged by reality. And that was mugged by reality. And I thought to myself, I'm sorry, I just wasted the greatest holiday of the year so that I could raise 35 cents, which is going to do what for some poor starving? kid in Africa?

Vic01:09:38Oh, precisely nothing. Nothing. That's what it's going to do. The 35 cents goes to overhead. It doesn't actually get to that.

JVL01:09:44The 35 cents probably doesn't even pay for the cost of the little... Shipping. No, the little box. The little cardboard box that I had to fold and assemble myself.

Vic01:09:51Yes, exactly.

JVL01:09:51And I am not kidding. When I then said to teacher Sandy, hey, I'm sorry, what is the 35 cents going to do? And she's like, well, you're really learning about the value of sacrificing for yourself. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. And I said, F this. All right. You would have been better off...

Sonny01:10:07You would have been better off collecting candy and then selling it to other kids and collecting the money and then giving it to the Quakers.

Vic01:10:13Oh, 100%. Absolutely.

Sonny01:10:15Okay, we need to move on.

Vic01:10:16All right.

Sonny01:10:17Let's go. We got to get a move on.

Vic01:10:18Over the weekend, Tyler Perry's booed to a Medea Howard... Oh, sorry. Sorry. It's part of my script. I thought... Now, Sonny, you saw it. What did you think? Okay, no, no, no. Okay, moving right along. Corrections, additions.

Sonny01:10:33I got the show wrong. Oh, yeah. Brooke Lineker was on. I said she was on Always Sonny. She was actually on The League.

JVL01:10:41But she was on Always Sonny. No, no, no. Somebody sent me a video clip of it. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And she's amazingly funny.

Sonny01:10:46So I got it the other way around. Whatever. I got it wrong. She was on one, not the other.

JVL01:10:51Whatever. Yeah, no, when she's making hand motions around her vajayjay. She's fantastic. She's hysterically funny. She's hilarious. She's great.

Sonny01:10:55I love her.

JVL01:10:56Still like Andy Roddick better. Look, Brooke Lineker's great. I prefer her husband.

Vic01:11:01Okay. You would. I need to give a special shout out to the Blue Duck Tavern, which hosted a press dinner last week. To show off the fall menu, I met the new chef, De Cuisine, Daniel Ho-Fleur. Are they paying us for this? What is this? Hold on. What is this nonsense? Hold on. Yes.

JVL01:11:14You're taking side advertisements just for yourself.

Vic01:11:17Blue Duck Tavern at the Park Hyatt in D.C. It's got a Michelin star. Check it out. I will say this. You give me a meal, a free meal with bone marrow, short ribs, and scallops, I will mention

Sonny01:11:26you. This is some bullshit. This is some bullshit is what it is. Okay.

JVL01:11:33Well, somebody has figured out how to monetize the podcast even more for themselves. Even more than he already gets. That's great.

Vic01:11:44Well, Vic, maybe you'd like to edit the show this weekend. No, no, no, no. Listen, and I mentioned before about going down to Mount Vernon at the distillery for George Washington. Speaking of spirits, Sonny.

Sonny01:11:56Yeah, we're drinking the Old Forrester Statesman. Past tense. It's all gone now. We really loved it. Old Forrester. You guys are the best. Maybe you could send us some things that all of us can enjoy, unlike the meals that apparently Vic gets for himself. Doesn't share. I got a good one coming up. Okay. Ridiculous. That's all the time we're here. We need to institute some rules here. There's no rules here.

JVL01:12:19Wait, but I'm drinking Mabel Mistress.

Sonny01:12:20Oh, yeah, yes.

JVL01:12:21Okay. With the blue-haired Anime.

Sonny01:12:23Anime.

JVL01:12:24She's kind of cute. So where did you find that? Where did you buy it? Wegmans. Wow. But I don't really need to give them a shout out because they didn't give me a free meal. I had to pay for this. Mine was delicious.

Vic01:12:33That's all the time we're giving to this episode. Questions, comments, complaints.

Sonny01:12:37Just give some more time to the blue duck.

Vic01:12:39It's really great. Go there. It's wonderful for a romantic setting. Compliments. Tweet us at Victorino Matus at Sonny Bunch.

Sonny01:12:47Again, be sure. At JV Last. I mean, I don't even know why I'm bothering with this. Again, be sure. Because it's so blown away by this nonsense.

Vic01:12:53Be sure to subscribe to us. I didn't even tell you guys I was going to do that. On iTunes or Google Play. Just type in Substandard on a podcast and we're there. Leave a review. Tell your friends. I don't know about show notes. Until next time.

Sonny01:13:13Long episode, guys. Long episode. I don't think there's a second we could possibly cut from any of this. So I think we're going to just have a 75-minute episode out there. What do you think? What do you think, JVL?

JVL01:13:25I think for a small subset of our listeners, they will think this is the greatest show ever. And everybody else. We'll check out by minute 17.

Sonny01:13:33There's a very good chance that we lose a lot of subscribers after this. I hope everyone stuck around. But, you know, we'll see. I'm sure it's fine.

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#73. The Substandard Halloween Candy Draft Episode

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