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#70. The Substandard Ranks the Greatest Sports Wives, Ever
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Dudes Chatting — ranking the greatest sports wives: Prompted by a Page Six item about Kate Upton switching from Yankees to Astros gear to support her fiancé Justin Verlander during the ALCS, and the discovery that Jane Skinner (Fox News anchor and wife of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell) had been operating a secret alt Twitter account defending her husband from online critics, the hosts debate who deserves the title of greatest sports wife ever. JVL argues Kate Upton projects a "championship attitude" and would be fun on a double date; Sonny is less convinced, contending she'd be too intimidating. JVL and Sonny disagree about whether Verlander reads as fun off the mound. Brooklyn Decker (actress, wife of Andy Roddick) is a strong contender — JVL recounts that she gently objected to his describing her as a "bikini model wife" when praising Roddick's work ethic, though he maintains she missed his point, and he admires her comic work on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Vic nominates the fictional Lauren Hawley from Any Given Sunday as his favorite sports wife — the only villain Oliver Stone doesn't alibi. Bridget Wilson Sampras (Pete Sampras's wife, star of Mortal Kombat) is briefly considered. JVL's final rankings: Tawana Iverson first (for enduring Allen Iverson's legendary antics, including finding the kids in wet bathing suits at 3 a.m. in a Vegas hotel), Steffi Graf second (greatest female tennis player alive and married to Andre Agassi — JVL calls it the master race of tennis genetics), Kate Upton third. Sonny holds firm that Jane Skinner is number one for her covert Twitter operation. No film or TV content beyond passing references appears in this micro-episode.
Full transcript
JVL00:00:00So, we're going to show people how the magic is made. Sonny, are you going to give them the countdown and everything? Five, four, three...
Guest00:00:10Do it live! Do it live! I'll write it and we'll do it live!
Vic00:00:21Hello, and welcome to another micro-episode of The Substandard, sponsored by Dollar Shave Club. I'm Victor Matus, along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. Just a quick reminder that full episodes of The Substandard are available every Thursday at 11 a.m. Gentlemen, how are we? We're Facebooking live, and we're discussing... It's a good start to the micro, right there.
JVL00:00:44We're doing better than you are. You sound like Grim Death.
Vic00:00:47Yeah, I sound like Neil Augenstein.
Sonny00:00:49All right, let's save this for the main episode that we're going to do on Thursday. Yeah. Thursday morning.
JVL00:00:52Okay, we'll shoot the Thursday morning show.
Sonny00:00:54On Thursday at 10 o'clock. Thursday at 10 a.m. when we tape it. Right. And then boom, it goes right out.
JVL00:01:00So, what are we talking about today? We're not talking about Arby's. Sandwiches. It's not in my script. You're not talking about Arby's? Because guess who has never in his life been to Arby's before?
Vic00:01:09That is so bizarre.
JVL00:01:10And then last night, I went to Arby's.
Sonny00:01:13Are we talking about Arby's now?
JVL00:01:15We're talking about sandwiches. Arby's sells sandwiches. You wanted to talk about sandwiches, no? Oh, for the main? Yes. I thought for this one. Oh, I got that. Oh, you're right. So, on Thursday morning, we'll talk about Arby's.
Vic00:01:29This Facebook Live thing, smashing success so far.
JVL00:01:34It's a great idea. Huge engagement numbers.
Sonny00:01:35Are you dicking up on purpose? Maybe.
JVL00:01:38To juice the numbers? Maybe. People love a car wreck.
Vic00:01:41So, something happened last night on page six in the New York Post. Sonny, what was in the news involving Kate Upton and Justin Verlader?
Sonny00:01:50Kate Upton, switching sides. Switching sides. Switching teams? Switching teams. She's going to bat for the other team. She used to be a giant Yankees fan and is now committed to wearing Astros gear because her fiancé, Justin Verlader, has joined the Astros and they are currently beating the Yankees, I believe. Is it two games to one?
JVL00:02:17Did the Yankees win last night? Did the Yankees win last night? I don't even know. They were up 2-0. I don't know if they... I'll go look right now.
Sonny00:02:21I went to bed pretty early. I have no idea. They did? They did. Good. Excellent. So, I guessed right. So, my question is, is she the better sports wife fiancé? She's a fiancé. But is she the better sports wife or is Jane Skinner Goodell the better sports wife? Who, we will remember, late last week was discovered to be operating a secret alt Twitter account where she searched for Roger Goodell's name on Twitter and would attack his many detractors. She'd hunt them down. You guys are dirty, lamestream media types. Jane Skinner, of course, is best known to most of us as the kind of news-reading woman on Fox News. She would do the kind of inner-hour hits saying, you know, here are what the day's headlines are. And I always loved her on that. She's one of my favorites. And now she's actually even more my favorite, going to bat for her husband in his time of need. What do you think, JBL?
JVL00:03:22I appreciate her commitment, I suppose. I mean, she is married to the ginger. I mean, she is married to the ginger. I mean, she is married to the ginger. I guess that speaks to her forbearance.
Sonny00:03:31But this is different. That's a separate issue. Who she is married to is less important than the perspicacity with which she defends the person to whom she is married.
JVL00:03:41Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I've always thought that Kate Upton seemed like she would be the greatest girlfriend in the world. And not just because she's so pretty, but because she's just awesome. Like, that girl has, I believe, what we call a championship attitude. No? You disagree?
Sonny00:03:55You think she's just fun. Fun to be around. Yeah, doesn't Kate Upton just look like somebody who, if you were hanging out with Kate Upton for a night,
JVL00:04:03it would be almost as much fun as hanging out with Bill Murray for a night?
Sonny00:04:05No, I don't think it would be, because it would be too awkward to be around her. I think she's too attractive, frankly.
JVL00:04:10See, I think her personality is so awesome that it offsets how hot she is, even, and makes her, like, just look super fun to hang out with. I'll go even further. I bet she and Verler are fun as a couple to hang out with, too. You could go on a double date, like you and Beth, with Kate and... I bet it would be a really good time.
Sonny00:04:31Justin Verlander has always looked like one of these, like, super intense pitcher types, you know? But a good-time guy, right? I bet Max Scherzer would not be fun to hang out with, and similarly, I don't think Justin Verlander would necessarily be fun to hang out with. I don't know. I might be wrong on this. I don't watch as much. Off the mound, I think he looks like he's a lot of fun. Because Justin Verlander has never played for the Orioles, I don't follow his career that closely. Well, if you had him on your fantasy team. I've never had him on my fantasy team, so I don't, like... I don't pay that much attention to him unless I'm playing him in fantasy that week, or unless he's pitching against the Orioles. Because that's the kind of sportsman you are. But I've always gotten the sense that he's kind of, like, death stare.
JVL00:05:08Well, only on the mound. I've always gotten the sense he looks really cool and fun to hang out with. They look like a more fun sports couple, certainly, than the Goodells.
Sonny00:05:17But this is a different question. Again, different question.
JVL00:05:20The truth is, the greatest sports wife ever, no offense to Kate Upton, of whom, again, I'm a huge, enormous fan, probably Tawana. Iverson. Who put up with a lot. She, in the answer, had a very long torture. I mean, they were high school sweethearts. And their love affair was the stuff of, like, Greek tragedy.
Vic00:05:41She came back to that hotel room in Vegas at 3 a.m. and the kids were still in their bathing suits. Yeah. You know, because Dad went downstairs just for a little gambling. Just for a little action. As you know, Sonny, that's when the tables are hot. Yeah, right. 3 a.m. is when the tables are hot.
JVL00:05:54That's when you've got to get in. No, she did.
Vic00:05:55She put up her underwear and it's absolutely terrible.
JVL00:05:57We ought to get a shout-out for Brooklyn Decker, who also seems like a tremendously awesome sports wife. Yes. Right? Yes, that's true. Andy Roddick's wife. I mean, Brooklyn Decker, not the biggest fan of mine ever.
Sonny00:06:08Well, didn't you... Wait, what happened?
JVL00:06:11Something on Twitter. I wrote a piece about how awesome Andy Roddick is. And in the course of it, I said, you know, look, you have to understand, from Andy Roddick's perspective, he could have put his career on autopilot and just, like, hung out with his super-hot bikini model wife. Didn't. Like, this is a guy who, you know, really, really worked and worked and worked, even when he was Sisyphus, trying to beat Roger Federer. And she retweeted my piece and said, this is pretty good, except for calling me a bikini model wife. And I thought, you know, Mrs. Roddick, you didn't quite get the point here. The point was just to say that in an abstract world, he could have just hung out with you. She's a legitimate actress. But he didn't. She is. She's really funny on film, isn't she?
Sonny00:06:53She's actually... She was very good on Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Less... So, in that kind of Adam Sandler movie, where she's just kind of required to be...
JVL00:07:01Yeah, well, I like Brooklyn Decker, but I love Andy Roddick, who is awesome.
Sonny00:07:05That's the most JBL thing I think I've ever... You know, the incredibly hot bikini model, actress, funny, good on Twitter. She's okay. It's her husband that I'm into. She's great. No disrespect. No disrespect.
JVL00:07:16But Andy Roddick is awesome.
Vic00:07:18My favorite fictitious sports wife would be Lauren Hawley. She was married to Dennis Quaid in Any Given Sunday. And she bitch slaps him because he's thinking about... retiring because he's complaining about the headaches and he can't remember things. And she's the only villain in that movie.
JVL00:07:35Oliver Stone alibis every other character, no matter how questionable their morality is.
Sonny00:07:40Well, except for maybe the doctor. No, even the doctor.
JVL00:07:42James Woods even gets alibis at the end. He gets vindicated. He's like, these men are gladiators and I'm trying to help them live their dreams. And who are you to judge that?
Vic00:07:49And Matthew Modine is no different from James Woods.
Sonny00:07:53Wait, who... What was the name... What is the name of Pete Sampras' wife? Is it Bridget Wilson Sampras? Oh, yes. Who is also... Who is the star of Mortal Kombat?
JVL00:08:01Absolutely the star of Mortal Kombat. The star of Mortal Kombat.
Sonny00:08:06Would you... I would... If you had to pick Bridget Wilson Sampras or Brooklyn Decker for sports wife, again, as a sports wife, which do you go for? Brooklyn Decker. I know nothing, but I just know...
Vic00:08:18Were there ages now? Were there ages then? Or what?
JVL00:08:21This isn't hotness, Vic.
Vic00:08:22We're not ranking them for physical attractiveness. We're just saying it's a factor.
JVL00:08:26Do you know who is the truth is probably the greatest sports wife ever? Steffi Graf. Steffi Graf, yeah. Because Steffi Graf is number one Agassi super fan and the greatest female tennis player to ever live. That's awesome. And they have created, we assume, what will be the master race of tennis players.
Sonny00:08:44Except for the fact that because of Agassi's upbringing, I bet he does not take his kid anywhere near a tennis racket, right?
JVL00:08:51No, they let their kids play tennis, but he does not tape ping pong pedals to their baby's hands.
Vic00:08:55I saw the kid play and he was beating this kid. It was a commercial I assume that was his son. You don't think that was his son? I don't know. I haven't seen it. I don't know where he makes it. Good for show notes. He just pushes the kid around. He pushes the guy all over the place and then finally he beats the kid and he says, yes! And then all of a sudden the car comes by and it's Andre and Steffi beeping. Come on, it's time to go. And then the little kid goes in.
JVL00:09:16Well, he had a funny line about this. I asked a few years ago when this kid was like two years old and he was asked something about, you know, you're his rival with Sampras and he said, well, yeah, I mean, you know, Pete owns me, but I can tell you this. My kid's going to crush his kid. Very nice. It's getting pretty funny.
Sonny00:09:31Yeah. So I still think Jane Skinner, number one sports wife. Everybody else, distant second.
JVL00:09:37I will take Tawana Iverson, number one, Steffi Groff, number two, and Kate Upton, number three.
Vic00:09:44I think Tawana, she put up with a lot. You know, he went to Istanbul and I think he spent most of his time... Not Constantinople. Not Constantinople. And I believe he spent most of his time at a TGI, at TGI Fridays, in Istanbul. So I'm sure it's fine.
JVL00:10:02That's how the magic is made, people.
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