← all The Weekly Substandard episodes
#53. Dunkin' but No Donuts?
Listen to this episode ↗on Substack, where the show lives now
Dudes Chatting — Donut Chain Rankings and Corporate Rebranding: The news hook is reports that Dunkin' Donuts is testing a rebrand to simply "Dunkin'" at new Pasadena locations, dropping "Donuts" from the name entirely. The hosts connect this to a history of dubious corporate rebrandings: KFC abandoning "Fried Chicken," Netflix's failed "Qwikster" spinoff, Pizza Hut briefly becoming "The Hut," RadioShack rebranding as "The Shack," and Gatorade contracting itself to just "G." Donut chain rankings follow. JVL: Federal Donuts (Philadelphia) #1, Voodoo Doughnuts #2, Sugar Shack #3, Tim Hortons #4, Dunkin' #5, then 7-Eleven, Hostess mini-donuts, and Krispy Kreme dead last. Sonny inverts the extremes: Krispy Kreme #1 (when the "hot now" light is on), Starbucks #2, Dunkin' #3, Tim Hortons dead last. Vic goes more cosmopolitan: a Viennese Julius Meinl donut #1, McDonald's #2, Dunkin' #3.
Micro-episode; no Reviews or Box Office segments.
Full transcript
Vic00:00:00You just have to be better at talking into the microphone. Hello, and welcome to another micro-episode of The Substandard, sponsored by Dollar Shave Club. I'm Victor Matus, along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. Just a quick reminder that full episodes of The Substandard are available every Thursday at 11 a.m. And Substandard show notes are often posted by Jonathan Last every Friday at weeklystandard.com. So, it was reported in Nation's Restaurant News and elsewhere that a handful of newly opening Dunkin' Donuts shops in Pasadena, California, are going to simply be called Dunkin'. Not Dunkin' Donuts, just Dunkin'. And it's not everywhere, but if it becomes popular, then you might see a Dunkin' opening up near you.
Sonny00:00:51Now, it's Dunkin', D-U-N-K-I-N, right? Not D-U-N-C-A-N. They're not calling it Dunkin'.
Vic00:00:57No, no. There's something Shakespearean about this thing. It's Dunkin', like the dunking process, like Dunkin' Donuts.
Sonny00:01:04Right. Still without the G.
Vic00:01:06Without the G. They're dropping their Gs. I don't know if they do the little apostrophe or not, but their argument is, hey, look, you know, our brand leader is actually coffee, not the donuts, and so we want to emphasize it, and that's why you're Dunkin'. Gee, what are you dunking, is my thing. You have thoughts.
Sonny00:01:22Sonny. Well, I am not a big coffee drinker. So this move is very baffling to me. I really think of coffee as a cream and sugar delivery device, cream and sugar and caffeine. If it were socially acceptable to, like, crush up caffeine pills and put them in a cup of milk with, like, two packets of Splenda, I would do that. So the whole move away from donuts to coffee is very confusing to me.
Vic00:01:47You would like my parents' coffee, which is basically like the Coffee Mate Irish cream and just a little bit of coffee in it. Yeah. Just a little splash of coffee.
Sonny00:01:54I mean, I do, I appreciate what coffee does, which is get me high. Get me off caffeine. That's what I, that's what I need. Oh, that's good. Yeah. But I, for the taste. So, so this move, I don't approve of it. I am a, I am a donut guy and I want, I want the, I want the tasty, the tasty pastry treats, not the disgusting brown bean water.
JVL00:02:13JVL.
Sonny00:02:14Well, you're not getting good donuts from Dunkin' Donuts anyway.
JVL00:02:17Well, this is true.
Sonny00:02:18So what are you there in the first place for? This is true.
JVL00:02:20I like the donuts. You know, all I think about when I see a story like this is I imagine how many man hours went into the corporate decision. Absolutely. How, I want to read the report with the final recommendations after they did the study. They probably hired McKinsey to come in. They probably paid them, what, $500,000 to do a study on whether or not they should drop. Dunkin'. It's cleaner. It's cleaner.
Sonny00:02:43Check, please. From the Facebook to Facebook. Yeah. And here's our invoice.
JVL00:02:47It's, I don't know, this seems like one of those corporate things destined to be like KFC turning to KFC or Gatorade dropping the Gatorade. Gatorade is not Gatorade anymore, you realize.
Vic00:02:56No, what's it called? It's just Gatorade. G with a lightning bolt? Oh, for goodness sake. Well, but it's still called Gatorade.
JVL00:03:01No. It's just called G. Yes. I'll have some G, please. It is literally not called, they did away with the Gatorade because tied too closely to the Florida Gators.
Sonny00:03:09They call it Gatorade in the ads. And that's where it came from. I don't believe they do anymore. The reason why it was because- What do they call it? Refreshing beverage.
Vic00:03:16I will, I will effort this once it's started. Refreshing energy beverage to Florida Gators.
JVL00:03:19It was the coach or the assistant, one of the guys who came up with that energy drink. Electrolytes.
Vic00:03:23Electrolytes. It has what Gators crave. I wrote about Kentucky Fried Chicken becoming KFC 21 years ago in The Weekly Standard. And I was only 50 at the time. And because it was the new F word, was fried. And you know what? That stuck. Your hat size was only a 12. I was like the juggernaut's head. Money Magazine gave other examples of this, guys, including Netflix Quickster. Remember Quickster? Oh, yeah. Yes, okay. Pure. Pizza Hut tried to become The Hut. Just going to The Hut. I remember that. That's terrible. And Radio Shack was The Shack.
Sonny00:04:02But again, I don't think any of these were official name changes. It's not like they were changing signage and stuff. It was just like they were trying to be hip.
Vic00:04:10No, I think they did a whole marketing campaign for these, according to Money Magazine. For The Hut? Yeah. Where they took the sign down of Pizza Hut. But they abandoned this.
JVL00:04:17But they abandoned. Yes, they abandoned. But it failed. The thing is, Quickster failed. I may be wrong about this, but I believe there was... There was a moment when McDonald's considered going to Mickey D's, which was an... What's really interesting about that is that Mickey D's was an actual colloquialism. Right. This is what people call it. Real people called it. That was genuine. I still call it Mickey D's. Then McDonald's decided to... But that's interesting in a way that this was a sort of bottom-up corporate attempt to change, not a top-down, which is what most of these things are. Nobody calls it Dunkin'. Nobody says, I'm going over to Dunkin'. Going to the Dunkin'. They say, I'm going to Dunkin' or I'm going to D.D. So what, the D.D. branding would all go? Yeah, I'm going to D.D.
Sonny00:04:56Well, you can't call it D.D., obviously. I mean, that would be... I mean, I would be interested to see what a Hooters-like Dunkin' Donuts would be. I went to a place called D.D. once. Once. Once. One time.
Vic00:05:08Yes, a friend of mine was coming off... I'm confused. Daredevil? What are we talking about? Well, a friend of mine was coming off... We'll tell you when you're older. ...a nasty breakup and said, I need to get out of the apartment because she's still here. They broke off their engagement. And I said, sure, we'll help you. We'll get out. And so me and another buddy... We come and pick up my friend, and he said... This is up in North... Rushford? Yes. In North Jersey. And he says... I remember this. I said, let's get out of here. Do you know where to go? And he says, yeah. He says, let's just get a drink somewhere. I know there's a bar around the corner. And then it's like, if you could see it in a movie, it would flash forward, and it's like this big neon sign that says Double D's. Oh! Oh, that's what you... That's right. Double D's. And so we're in there like, oh, I'm so glad we were able to get out and clear your mind. Yeah. Yeah. No wonder you like a drink.
JVL00:05:53Because you even broke off.
Sonny00:05:54That's good. Yeah, I know. Okay.
JVL00:05:56Are we going to... Yeah.
Sonny00:05:57Obviously, we're going to rank the coffee slash donut ranking.
JVL00:06:01Well, wait. Hold on. What are we ranking? The coffees or the donuts? That's a good question. Because I've only prepared donuts for this part of the show.
Sonny00:06:07I have prepared a list of restaurants. Yes. We can... We will do...
Vic00:06:11These are independent rankings, independent of each other. Okay. JVL.
JVL00:06:15We're ranking just... I am just ranking donuts by chain. I'm not going to count... Because donuts are the new cupcakes, right? This is like the foodie thing. Over the last couple of years, the donuts have supplanted cupcakes... Is it? ...as the little... Yeah. I think it's the gourmet, sweet-type food that hipsters like to have. How about cake pops? That's like nine years ago. Number one, Federal Donuts in Philadelphia. The best donut I've ever had. Number two... And again, these are chains. Multiple locations. You have to have multiple locations. You're not one-off individuals. Number two, Voodoo Donuts, originally from Portland. Number three, Sugar Shack Donuts, originally out of Richmond. Number four, Tim Hortons from Canada. Number five... Dunkin' Donuts. Number six, the donuts at a 7-Eleven. Number seven, the Hostess mini-donuts that come out of a vending machine. And number eight, Krispy Kreme. I knew it! That's such nonsense.
Vic00:07:04I'll go first. I'll go next. No one denies this. You go next. My rankings are completely unrelated. I have different rankings, but I'd like to comment on JVL's rankings. Go. I agree with... The Krispy Kreme, it was such a sensation. Do you remember? I think they opened up a Krispy Kreme wearing Times Square somewhere, and then the line was 20 blocks long to get this thing. And I understand. It's pure sugar. It melts in your mouth, yes, but it's gone. It's gone. Like, if you could see my hand move while I'm doing the Kaiser Soze, it's gone. The Kobayashi. Yes. And I prefer Dunkin' Donuts over Krispy Kreme. There's more heft to it. There's more heft, and they have more variety. I like Boston Kreme.
JVL00:07:41They're both garbage donuts, to be clear. No, I like Dunkin' Donuts, but... Once upon a time, both of these companies made their own donuts in the store where you were buying them. In Tom's River.
Vic00:07:50They used actual lard, and they were pretty good donuts. Yeah. Which has not been the case for a decade or more. In Tom's River, they still have it where they make the donuts on premise, and they're great donuts. And then I said, oh, great. I was a big fan of Dunkin' Donuts. We went to one on Lee Highway in Arlington, and we bought the donuts. They were cold. They were stale. They were awful. And of course, they're not being made there. So when were they made? When did they arrive in the store? And it was a total... Two weeks ago. They were probably frozen.
JVL00:08:15Yes, exactly.
Vic00:08:15It was a total jip. Am I allowed to say that? No.
JVL00:08:17No.
Vic00:08:19Okay. But, okay, so...
JVL00:08:20So essentially, you're saying I'm correct. My rankings are in fact correct. I don't know many of your other donuts, though. Thank you. Okay. But...
Vic00:08:27You've never been to Voodoo Donuts? No. No, I have not. You've never done Tim Hortons? No. No, I don't know where... I haven't found a Tim Hortons around here.
JVL00:08:34Federal Donuts, you would love it. It's this amazing donut place, and they serve two things. Donuts, Korean barbecue chicken.
Vic00:08:41I'm sure there... Has there been a donut with Korean barbecue chicken on it? Not to my knowledge. All right. I did favor... I was looking at the text of what we sent around. Not that we were having a discussion of favorite coffee shops.
?00:08:51But...
Vic00:08:51According to the text. So my third place was Dunkin'. Okay? Okay. You can sit there and eat at the counter. That's fine. Secondly, I like McDonald's. You can count that as a coffee shop because they make fantastic coffee.
Sonny00:09:02They have the best fast food coffee. They really do. Also just the best coffee.
Vic00:09:07Yes. No, they really do. I believe it's laced with crack. I talked... I've spoken to, you know, snobby Europeans. I remember talking to Germans about, I'd never go to McDonald's. Oh, my gosh, that American garbage food store. However, the coffee is very good. And they will concede the coffee is good, okay?
Sonny00:09:22Well, I mean, I'm shocked that you were talking to Germans about, you know, efficiency.
Vic00:09:28And number one, my number one favorite coffee shop is Julius Meinl. But unfortunately, there's only one in the United States. It's in Chicago. And I was there. Otherwise, you have to go to Vienna, Austria for Julius Meinl.
JVL00:09:39What's the story behind the Chicago franchise of it? That's a good question.
Vic00:09:45No, no, I don't know why they chose... I've spoken to, like, the head of Julius Meinl once and said, you need to open... If they open up an Austrian cafe coffee shop on K Street, you know how people go nuts for that kind of stuff, because they're always looking for authenticity. Now, I think we're hitting the wall, so I'm going to switch over to Sonny. Go.
Sonny00:10:02So my four are in order. Number one, Krispy Kreme, because they're so sweet and so light, and they just dissolve in your mouth. You can get, like, you can jam one entirely in your mouth, and it'll just kind of dissolve away into nothing. It's great. Number two, I'm going to throw this out there, Starbucks. Starbucks is a great place to go. If you need, if you want some, like, efficient coffee and some, and a variety of different treats, they've got great sandwiches and little, I love it. La boulange. I love it. Number three, Dunkin' Donuts, which I think is fine. It's, I mean, like, I, the best thing about Dunkin' Donuts are the dunk, the donut holes. I'm a, I can. Munchkins. I can throw down, like, 20, you know, chocolate cake donut holes without, without even thinking about it.
JVL00:10:44Do you remember the now problematic munchkin commercials of our youth? No.
Vic00:10:49Why was it problematic? Why was it problematic, JVL?
JVL00:10:51Do they have little people?
Vic00:10:52A lot of little people.
JVL00:10:53Oh. Well, you know. Can't do that now. They dwarf the competition. Hate donuts.
Sonny00:10:59And dead last, dead last, dead last is Tim Hortons. Ooh. I'll, I'll eat from a, a America's Hat when I'm dead. Not before. I'm sure it's fine.
Spot something wrong in this episode? Suggest a correction →
Comments
Loading…