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#52. The Substandard on Valerian, Luc Besson, and Chinese Buffets
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Dudes Chatting — Chinese Buffet Rankings: JVL opens with what he calls the "third best night of his life": a Prince William County Nationals minor league game where his son won a player's game-worn jersey in a raffle, he drank complimentary Flying Dog beer all night, and the team gave out bobbleheads. This spirals into an extended Chinese buffet ranking. Sonny's top five: crab rangoon #1, seafood delight #2, sesame chicken #3, shrimp lo mein #4, garbage sushi #5. Vic presents a top ten anchored by house pan-fried noodle #1, roast pork lo mein #2, and egg foo young #3. JVL confesses he has never eaten at a Chinese buffet, which the others find shocking. They debate whether Thai food is displacing Chinese food in cities.
Reviews: Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets — Sonny liked it more than not: praises the first three sequences and notes Luc Besson actually uses 3D artistically (a rarity), but calls Dane DeHaan badly miscast as a Harrison Ford–type hero and Rihanna "dead-voiced" and terrible; detects a Holocaust allegory running through the subtext. JVL found it charming despite the mess, crediting Besson's passion. Vic declined to see it, citing Avatar fatigue and an unknown cast.
Box Office: Valerian earned just $6.8M in its second week ($30.6M total), while Dunkirk remained at #1 with $28M in its second frame.
Luc Besson rankings follow: Sonny puts Léon: The Professional #1, The Fifth Element #2, Joan of Arc #3; JVL reverses the top two, putting The Fifth Element #1 and La Femme Nikita #2. Closes with Corrections (JVL corrects an error about Tesla state rebates) and Spirit of the Week (Tin Cup bourbon, a gift from a listener identified as Captain Bill Dwyer).
Full transcript
Vic00:00:00Hi, Bill Kristol here. Another episode of The Substandard? This really is our darkest hour.
Sonny00:00:12Lilo Dallas Multipass.
Guest00:00:14Yeah. Multipass. Multipass. She knows it's a multipass. Lilo Dallas, my wife. We're newlyweds. Just met. You know how it is. Bump into each other, sparks happen. Yeah, she knows it's a multipass.
Sonny00:00:24Yeah, anyway.
Vic00:00:28Hello, and welcome back to TheSubstandard, brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Stop spending a fortune on gimmicky shave tech you don't need. Make the smarter choice by joining Dollar Shave Club. Get your first month for only five bucks with free shipping by going to dollarshaveclub.com slash substandard. I'm Victor Matus, along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. I'd like to remind you that Substandard is available on iTunes, Google Play, and now Stitcher. Just look at our podcast. Search for Substandard. You'll easily find it. Please subscribe, tell your friends, leave a review. For the sake of those algorithms, leave a review. In addition, we'd also like to remind you that Substandard show notes posted by Jonathan Last are usually available every Friday at 11 a.m. at weeklystandard.com. Most of the time. Most of the time, JV? I'd say, yeah, 90%. Most of the time.
JVL00:01:20We're trending downward. We're trending downward.
Vic00:01:22But I hope to keep it at a solid 65%. That's a good number. Gentlemen, how are we doing? JVL, how are you?
JVL00:01:31I had Saturday night, the third best night of my life. And it was so...
Sonny00:01:40Nights of your life, ranked. Rank them.
JVL00:01:42Of course I keep ranking. What, you think I am some sort of monster? And it was so special that I actually don't even know that I should talk about it. Oh my goodness, you can't do that.
Vic00:01:56I can't do that.
Sonny00:01:57Okay, well... Okay, fine. You can't do that. That's nonsense.
JVL00:02:01All right, so I've mentioned previously that I like taking my two older kids to the minor league ballpark, which is down the street from my house. So we went Saturday, and it was bobblehead night for the Potomac Nationals, which is, all in itself, that makes it a great night. Steven Strasburg flamethrower bobblehead night. A really awesome bobblehead. That's good. So wait, can I interrupt just briefly?
Sonny00:02:25Are these like leftovers from the main... Yes. No, no, no. ...team, or do they mint a whole new run of Steven Strasburg bobbleheads?
JVL00:02:33No, no, these are PNATS-specific, because these are players who come through the PNATS system, and they are manufactured for the PNATS. So it's like a legends. This is... PNATS legends. Yeah, but they don't just do... It's great. They do like seven or eight bobbleheads a season, and they're all small runs. I actually wonder what the economics of these are, because I know what our tickets cost, and we buy the most expensive tickets they have at the PNATS. And the bobblehead has to cost to make.
Sonny00:03:02I mean, is there an ad on the bobblehead? Is it like presented by, you know, Orsman? Yeah, yeah.
JVL00:03:07This one was presented by Flying Dog, a local brewery.
Sonny00:03:10Yeah, so I assume Flying Dog picks up, you know, at least half the tab on that. I guess.
JVL00:03:14Although I don't know how they're making money, because as we got to the ballpark and got our bobbleheads and then came in, the fine people of Flying Dog had a tent set up where they were just giving out free beer. Wow. And it was delicious. Wow. Really good.
Sonny00:03:28I like Flying Dog. So you went to a professional baseball stadium and received not only a free bobblehead, but also free beer? Yes.
JVL00:03:35So I don't know how the economics of this work for Flying Dog, where they pay for the bobbleheads and then give out beer. It must be doing really well. So we were there at the park early. It's a beautiful night. Saturday, we had had thunderstorms early in the day, and so the temperature had dropped about 20 degrees, and it was just perfect, like 72 degrees outside. Magic hour, you know, the pink clouds up in the sky. And I'm sitting there in our little field box seats having my free beer. And my kids had each brought a couple of the balls that they've gotten over the years and Sharpies. And while the team was out on the field stretching and warming up, they asked the players for autographs. And they each went up with like, I don't know, 15 player autographs on their balls. And everything's great. It's really, really fantastic. And the players were wearing one-off jerseys that they were then auctioning off in-game to raise money for the National Kidney Foundation. And my kids said, Hey, could we go and bid on one of the, bid on Brian Mejia's jersey? Brian Mejia is their favorite player. They've cheered for him for two and a half seasons now, I think, at the single-A level. Brian is a great guy, good baseball tactician, utility infielder. I think actually has a future in coaching. He'll make a good coach one day. No, I think he does. Actually, they let him, when he's not playing, he coaches first base. Anyway, and so it's great. Brian Mejia, he sort of knows who my kids are because they're always, they are the ones screaming. They're like crazy every time he even walks past them, and he's very sweet and very kind. So we go over and we bid on Brian Mejia's jersey, and we win it. Hey! And so I park my kids back in the field box.
Vic00:05:08Was it a very competitive bidding, or no? It was reasonably competitive.
JVL00:05:14And so I go back over to the table, and I pay for the jersey, and I say to the nice gal running the auction, I said, so do I come back tomorrow to pick it up, or you guys ship it to us? What's the deal? And she says, oh, no, no, no. After the game, you just come on the field, and he'll give it to the kids. Yeah. What, what, what? And so that's what happens. So we go onto the field, and Brian sees my kids and recognizes them. He's like, hey, you two, and you're the one. And so he takes his jersey off, and he signs it, and he hands it to them, and he kneels down and puts his arms around them. We get a picture of the three of them together. And it is the happiest I have ever seen my two oldest children in their lives. And then there was fireworks. And then they let the kids run the bases. And it was just, the whole night was magical, from the bobblehead to the free beer to the autograph balls to the game-worn jersey. And people will come.
Sonny00:06:15It was, it was, it was as good as.
Vic00:06:17It was a real celebration of America. It was as good as it gets.
Sonny00:06:19So are you going to get that shadow boxed? You're going to get that, that jersey, like, shadow boxed and framed up on the wall? No, no. Is Cody going to, like, wear it? Oh, no.
JVL00:06:27We already. He's. He has already established, like, real serious protocols for wear. So you can wear it in the house, only if he's. So if you are showered and clean, you can wear it in the house, so long as you're not near food. Well, yeah. You're not going to have a big bowl of spaghetti. Only outside wear for it is games. So you can wear it to games if you really want to. Even I was a little. But I said, look.
Sonny00:06:50Well, you can't. I mean, you can't wash it.
JVL00:06:51To be clear, these are, these are my son's rules, not mine. Yeah. You can't wash it. Why can't you wash it?
Sonny00:06:55Because the signature. The signature will fade.
JVL00:06:57The signature is not. That's not what's important. What's important is that Brian May, his essence is part of it.
Sonny00:07:00But you're going to wash away his essence. Yes, exactly. I don't think you can wash away his essence. His DNA is a part of that jersey right now.
JVL00:07:07You got to, you don't want the oils to flee. The various secretions. Have you already washed it?
Sonny00:07:11No. So. Don't. Good. Don't. We could still clone him. We could still, we could still clone him.
JVL00:07:17Brian May. And it was, the whole thing was, the whole thing was legit magic. And I've said to you guys before, I'm not, here, Victorino. This is, this is what it looks like. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. That's the happiest I've ever seen anyone.
Vic00:07:31They're so happy. Look at how big, the big smiles. I don't want to. It's like we're, you know, we're literally.
JVL00:07:35I want to go and nuke a polar bear right now. We are, you know, the kids are. Club of Seal. Down, you know, on the dirt next to the batters, on deck circle. The whole thing was amazing. And the Potomac Nationals are fantastic. And it was great. This is, this is the good, if parenthood was like this every day, then I would understand why people do it. Sonny.
?00:07:57Wow.
Sonny00:07:58How about you, Sonny? What did you do? Did you go outside? I bought some DVDs. I bought some Blu-rays. You know, as we were discussing last week, it's the Barnes & Noble half-off Criterion sale. And I just have to say, I don't think it's hoarding. I don't think it's hoarding if you just hoard Criterion DVDs, right? Like, that's okay. That's not a medical issue. Which ones did you get? Even if they're still closed and like on your shelf and never opened and never watched, it's fine, right?
JVL00:08:25What would you get?
Sonny00:08:27Scanners, the head-exploding David Cronenberg movie, McCabe and Mrs. Miller, which is an Altman movie, The Fantastic Mr. Fox, which I re-watched this weekend with my- A Criterion! Yeah! Well, all the Wes Anderson movies, I think, will end up being Criterions. I think the only one that isn't right now is Grand Budapest Hotel, I might be wrong. And one other one I forget. I've already forgotten. It's probably already on a shelf somewhere, never to be watched. It's still on the shrink wrap.
Vic00:08:58The voice of the visiting cousin, Eric Anderson.
Sonny00:09:02Yeah, yeah, he's one of the, he's like a regular in the Wes Anderson movies.
Vic00:09:06Yes, he was in Kate's, my wife's, cluster at Harbin in Georgetown. Oh. They were in the same group. Oh, nice. I said, thank God she ended up with me. Imagine if she ended up with him.
Sonny00:09:16I mean, it's not like he's, you know.
Vic00:09:19He does, he makes cameos.
Sonny00:09:22Yeah, right. I think I looked at his IMDb afterwards. It's all his. It's all his. All Wes Anderson movies.
Vic00:09:28He's like a scoutmaster in that other movie with Bruce Willis, you know, the kid who skates that one.
Sonny00:09:33I do, it is very funny watching that movie, which I hadn't seen since theaters, but it is like an amalgamation of my like childhood and teenage year interests. It's like, or like late teens, early 20s interests with like Roald Dahl through the lens of Wes Anderson. It's like very, it's like, it's like a weird, potent form of nostalgia. So anyway, that was, that was my weekend.
Vic00:09:57You know, the other thing is a terrific cast of voices, but my favorite in Fantastic Mr. Fox, of course, is Michael Gavod. Yes, as one of the farmers. Bogus Bunsen Bean. I forget which one. Yes, exactly. I can't remember. Fantastic voice. You wrote a bad song, Petey. He says it to a very nice. I was just making up as I went along. Miss Granger. That too. I have been alone since. Thursday. Kate. Look at Jonathan's eyes are like saucers. Sounds amazing. She and the kids went to go up to Jersey.
Sonny00:10:34All of the joy that JBL was just expressing flew out of his head. And he was like, oh, my God, 10 hours of alone time.
Vic00:10:42You can imagine how sad I was because I didn't have that experience that you had.
JVL00:10:46Yeah, I can imagine.
Vic00:10:47You had to just drink beer and play Civilization and then have dinner with Andy Ferguson. That's true, actually. All of the above. Check, check, and check. Let's see. Here they went up to Jersey for my niece Julietta's birthday. And then they went up to Connecticut for my father-in-law Bob Dwyer's birthday. And they're still in Connecticut, I think, on Thursday. And you just couldn't make it. I had to work. As you know, Sonny, a lot of work.
Sonny00:11:10It's just a real hot house over there at the Free Beacon. We don't let anyone take time off. It's a boiler room.
Vic00:11:17It's crazy. No vacations. You work. You earn your money. It is. And it is, you know, so I said I have to have some semblance of, like, oh, I've done something. So, like, I took the trash out, right? That was good. I cleared out the pantry. Were you like, how does this work? Yes. This can.
JVL00:11:36Does the lid come with it? I actually last night.
Vic00:11:38Did you call Kate to ask her how to work it? No, but, you know, we got a runny toilet, so I hope she comes back soon. And the laundry is piling up.
JVL00:11:46You didn't try mowing the lawn, did you?
Vic00:11:47Oh, no, no. You know, I'm allergic to all that stuff. But I was able to, again, clear out the pantry shortly after Bismarck eliminated Kamehameha and Napoleon. So, you know. Wait, Kamehameha? Who's he? The Polynesians. Yeah, Polynesians. Is it, can we say Hawaiian, or does it have to be Polynesians? They say Polynesians, although the capital is Honolulu. It's a Polynesian civilization. Yeah, that's, it was. Lots of, you know, they go all over the place, I guess. It's like Moana.
JVL00:12:14Interesting you played as the Germans. I haven't played them in a while. I haven't played them in a while. It's been days.
Sonny00:12:20No, I was about to. I can't wait until the Dunkirk version of this game.
Vic00:12:24You know, remember, the special unit is the Panzer. The Landsknecht, but the Panzer, then it's just. Wait, what's the other one, the other one? The Landsknecht, which is medieval. It's, you know. Yeah, right, it's a pikeman. It's like a pikeman, but he's not any. Jakes. It's not that we are, it's not that we. It's not that the Landsknecht are more better than the pikeman. Excuse me. Entschuldigung, sie bitte. It's that you can produce them cheaper, and they take two turns to make.
JVL00:12:50And they move advance as well? A little bit.
Vic00:12:54Again, they're not stronger, but they just, you know. You can just, you can crank them out. You can crank them out. Okay, the other thing is.
Sonny00:12:59They're efficient, is what you're saying. The production is very efficient.
Vic00:13:03They're efficient. The other thing is, I remember Kate saying, okay, so when they're gone, you could finally go to all the places you want to eat that you'd ever go to, because we think it's gross and disgusting or whatever. I'm not going to go. So, I went to a Chinese restaurant alone, and sat there. I was going to get a takeout menu. I'm like, oh, what the heck. I'm just sitting here, you know.
JVL00:13:21It's better when you eat it there.
Vic00:13:22It is. Actually, it is. And it was.
JVL00:13:25The half-life of Chinese food. I know. You've got to get it as quick as it comes out.
Vic00:13:28But it was so good. And I always, I don't like eating alone at a table, but you know. What's the problem with that?
JVL00:13:34My table was filled up with stuff anyway. So, it's like the dishes kept me company.
Vic00:13:39Did you order one of everything? No. You know what I ask, because they have a buffet, but it's only from Monday to Friday, so I'm going to have to check it out. And I was thinking, and it got me thinking about Chinese buffets. Sonny, you're a fan of Chinese buffets?
Sonny00:13:53I love, when I was in college. Our Saturday morning, or Sunday morning ritual, depending on which night we got especially drunk, was to wander, was to literally stumble through the woods, on the back streets, to the, oh God, what was it called? The Panda Garden, I think. It's either Panda Garden or China Garden. The one I went to is called Hunan Gate. It's a gate or a garden. And just eat 5,000 calories of oil. Beautiful and disgusting things. Yeah, but I love Chinese buffets. Are we gonna, JBL, do you?
JVL00:14:33Yeah, what about you? You seem much more health conscious, though. I have never in my life eaten from a Chinese buffet.
Sonny00:14:43I find the concept of buffets disgusting. Even like fancy, like Bellagio buffet?
JVL00:14:50With one exception being the Mayflowers, I believe now departed breakfast buffet. The Mayflowers breakfast buffet was pretty awesome.
Vic00:15:00At Town & Country, right? It's now Town & Country. It was always called Town & Country. No, no, but Town & Country is not there anymore. It's like a Thomas Pink now. Right, but they did the buffet in the Grand Dining Room, and if you've gone there on a weekend, I think it's even more expensive, like ridiculously expensive, but they had really good stuff. The fruit was fantastic. It used to be our thing.
Sonny00:15:22Jonathan, I used to have breakfast. Why would we have? Oh, never mind. You would go to breakfast? We would have breakfast together in the morning. First thing we did, we woke up.
Vic00:15:30We woke up and had breakfast.
JVL00:15:31My wife had breakfast there the morning after the Elliot Spitzer client number nine rendezvous. And how did she know this? So we didn't know at the time. She saw him there. She was at the table next to him, and she came home, and she was like, hey, Elliot Spitzer was there. And we did not realize, and I guess it was until like a year and a half later when all the stuff came out about Spitzer and client number nine, that she then went back and then she was like, oh. So this was the assignation.
Sonny00:15:59That's funny. So we do need to rank the buffet items. Oh, well, Sonny, why don't you go first? What's on a buffet? Well, it's just everything. So all the stuff on the menu. Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant? Do you know the food they serve in Chinese restaurants?
JVL00:16:13Yes, but I've never been to a Chinese restaurant with a buffet.
Sonny00:16:15So what they do is they take all that food and they put it in the heat lamps. Oh, under heat lamps. Oh, well, that must make it better. And then you can get a little bit of everything. See, this is the problem, though. If you want one dish, if you are just, if you're like, I need some Kung Pao chicken, you go and you order the Kung Pao, but if you want a little bit of everything, you want to taste a little bit of that? And I do. Who doesn't want a little bit of everything? Everyone wants a little bit of everything. Everyone wants a little bit of everything.
Vic00:16:38If you are my in-laws, the Dwyers, the buffet is not for you because they will have one dish. Oh, I'm done. I'm already sitting down. I'm already thinking about the next trip.
Sonny00:16:46Exactly. You have to strategize. You have to get an appropriate amount of food on your plate, but you don't want to overload the place.
Vic00:16:53No, you don't want to make a scene. You don't want people to think you're an animal.
Sonny00:16:56You don't want to overload the plate, but you also want to try everything. So you want to get just a little bit. Just a little bit. I'm sorry. Yeah.
JVL00:17:02You think people think less of you for having fewer trips but more on your plate? Or think less of you for, like, that guy's ninth trip to the buffet?
Sonny00:17:11No, no, no. What sort of animal is he? They're already in the buffet. They already know what they've gotten themselves into. They're surrounded by animals. People have called me out on that, JBL.
Vic00:17:21When I was a kid, they'd be like, hey, kid, how many ice creams are you going to get? I hear that one, yeah. Also at a Chinese buffet. Big stamp on the mic, please. Yeah, sorry. Also at a Chinese buffet, I remember a guy saying to me, well, they let you take a lunch break, too? True story. True story.
Sonny00:17:36It was his lunch break, though. All right, so number five is the garbage sushi. You know, like, the trash sushi that's, like, really loosely put together?
JVL00:17:47The rolls that are, like, really loosely put together? Because the, quote, sushi chefs really couldn't care less.
Sonny00:17:54The guy in the back wearing, you know. The guy in the back with the hair net who's, like, dripping cigarette droppings into his, into the roll. And it's, like, and it's kind of mealy. It's great. Shrimp lo mein is my favorite of the lo mein's because, first off, shrimp is shrimp. I mean, shrimp is the king of the trash seafood. And, but it's especially good.
JVL00:18:14Yeah, it's totally really hard for shrimp to go wrong when prepared poorly.
Sonny00:18:17It's especially good at the Chinese buffet because it's been under the heat lamp. So it's, like, getting, like, really, it's kind of grainy. It's cooked. It would allow the salmon.
JVL00:18:25It would allow the salmonella to congeal in precisely the right way under the heat lamp. I've never had any bad experience at a Chinese restaurant, ever.
Sonny00:18:31I've actually, this is actually true. I have gotten sick from restaurants before, but never a Chinese restaurant. I don't, I don't.
JVL00:18:36Sesame chicken, number three.
Sonny00:18:38Sesame chicken is, like, the sweetest of the, of the, like, sauce chickens. Plus you get sesame. You get the sesame seeds on it. And my trick, the trick here is you got to get a little bit of white rice. You put the white rice next to it and you get a little bit of the sesame sauce and you drip it on the rice. On the rice.
JVL00:18:53So you get a little bit of extra sweet. Oh, oh.
Sonny00:18:56It's so good.
Vic00:18:57I'm about to pass out. Number two.
Sonny00:19:00Number two is the seafood delight. I don't know what they call it everywhere else, but, like, what you get, what you get is you get a big, basically, like, trash seafood and they throw it in a bin. In a white cream sauce? In a white cream sauce with snow peas. Yes. And it's healthy. It's healthy. It's, like, it's vegetables. It's a delight. It's a delight. There's something that looks like a crab claw, like a crab, but it's not a crab. Oh, it's like, it's like the fake, the sticks of crab meat. Crab stick. But, of course, of course. I grab all of those. I mean, and this is, like, the tricks you're really getting the most out of your buffet is being totally shameless and just grabbing the best parts out of every, out of every bin. And then, number one, the number one is the crab rangoon. Oh. Which is basically just fried cream. It's like, it's like a wonton.
Vic00:19:43There's almost nothing Chinese about that.
Sonny00:19:44No, it's, it's the, it's the most American thing you can get. It's basically a wonton and they, they fold it up with, like, a lump of cream cheese and, like, little sprinkles of crab in the middle of it and they fry it. Each one, I assume, is about 5,000 calories.
Vic00:19:57I wouldn't even know about the sprinkles of crab. I don't think there's any crab.
Sonny00:20:01I eat, like, I could eat, like, 10 of those and just, that would be my, that's my first plate.
Vic00:20:06Okay, that's your first plate is just 10 crab rangoons. Get to the crab rangoon first. Okay. So, for me, and I have many fond memories of Chinese buffets. I went to one with my friend Todd Palladino. I think we were there for hours. And also, some places, by the way, some Chinese buffets, you know, they'll even throw in free ice cream at the end. You know, you get a little free ice cream. I remember. We would go with my family, and then at the end of a ridiculous buffet, and we've gone many trips, then the waitress comes over and then says to my mother, would you like ice cream? And she goes, oh, no, no, no. She says what, Beck? Would you like ice cream? And my mother goes, oh, no, no, no. She's very problematic. I can say it because I'm a quarter. And she says, would you like ice cream? And my mother goes, oh, no, no, no. I'm full. And then the waitress goes, oh, it's part of the buffet. And my mother goes, oh, okay, in that case, I'll have pistachio.
Guest00:20:51Okay.
Vic00:20:52Anyway.
Sonny00:20:52Wait, they didn't have, like, the soft serve machines? Where you go up and you just get, like, the, you just, like, pour a giant bowl of, okay.
Vic00:20:59I've been to those, and I won't, well, anyway, I won't get into that. But in any event. What are you going to get into? Oh, nothing. I'll explain later. The China, okay, my China's buffet ranked, okay? Number 10. 10. 10 items. 10 items, okay? We're going to be, this is going to be an hour and a half long. Number 10, egg drop soup. You want to start slow. Don't rush. Underrated. It's underrated soup. If you like egg. If you like egg and it's viscous. It's viscous. Number 9 is the hot and sour soup, okay? Too much? Two soups? Maybe. My God, you savage. Thank you. For the record, let it not be said that I don't like tofu, because there's tofu in the hot and sour soup, and I think it's good. And spicy. Okay, 8. The big, fat, crispy egg roll, okay? I hate the small ones, all right?
Sonny00:21:50The spring rolls.
Vic00:21:51Spring rolls, okay? And I want it deep fried so that you get the tiny bubbles. Not the big bubbles. Tiny bubbles. That's how you know it's good. And the inside is not just cabbage, but it's cabbage and roast pork inside. Or maybe if you're lucky, you might get some shrimp. I'm done. I'm done, okay? With a little duck sauce. Heaven. Heaven, okay? Crispy wontons. I don't want to go with the crab rangoon. I don't want people to think that I'm a maniac here. I'm going to get the fried wontons instead. That's a little bit more civilized. It's more civilized. And then number 6, doughy pan-fried dumplings. You ever get the pan-fried dumplings?
Sonny00:22:25Well, do you get the ones with, like, the sugar on them? No. No. They have, like, a dessert dumpling. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get those sometimes, but I don't like just the, yeah.
Vic00:22:34I have had the pan-fried dumpling, and Kate will, like, she'll share, and then she starts analyzing the meat. I'm like, don't analyze the meat. Don't look at it. It's pink. It's delicious. It's a perfectly good dog. Don't worry. Don't worry. That's racist. That's very racist. That's racist. That's a breed of dog.
JVL00:22:49Oh, I'm sorry. Here, a cat. It's probably a breed of cat that tastes not terrible. And is overpopulated anyway.
Vic00:22:56I was shocked that when Kate grew up in Essex, Connecticut, she had no experience with Chinese food whatsoever in their family. We went to a Chinese restaurant when we were dating, and I remember she looked at the menu, and she looked lost. Like, she didn't know where to begin. I'm like, it's so easy. One from this column, one from the other column, and the whole thing. I said, we used to go to Chinese restaurants. My family, we would drive to New York City. You take the Holland Tunnel, and then you would park on, like, Canal Street, and we'd go to, like, a basement restaurant on Mott Street. And, like, there was a curtain that separated the dining, the, quote, dining room from the kitchen. And you would hear a guy. I literally heard the shut of the back with a hacking cough. Like, you know, he had this noise. Don't question. Maybe I heard a meow. I don't know. But just don't question. They eat whatever they give you, and it's fantastic. I've had snails in places like this, and it was really quite. I'm alive. I'm still here. Okay. Where was I? Okay, number five. Sonny, we intersect here. Crispy sesame chicken.
Sonny00:23:53Yeah.
Vic00:23:53Okay, I'll take it over the general. General So's.
Sonny00:23:55Yeah. Oh, definitely. Much better than the general So's. And that's not good for you. They say it's not healthy.
Vic00:23:59Yeah, no. The sesame chicken's so much healthier, I'm sure. Yeah. Okay. Number four. You mentioned something like this. A happy family or four seasons, you know, where you have, it's like beef and pork and shrimp or beef, pork and chicken, you know, and you throw it over the brown sauce. That's a good thing. Okay. Number three. Egg Foo Young. It's not for the faint of heart. No.
JVL00:24:23What is that?
Vic00:24:24That's like a Chinese omelet, JVL. That's, you know, you could have pork and bean sprouts and onion, and then they cook it up in egg. Did you get this at the China Garden? Do you remember? At Hunan Garden or China Garden? It was China Garden. In our China Garden.
JVL00:24:38Why is that not for the faint of heart? It just sounds like a diner food. It looks like trash. I mean, it looks like literal trash.
Vic00:24:45I had it with the brown gravy, Sonny. Do you remember I had the brown gravy?
Sonny00:24:48No, he ordered it. So we went to the Chinese restaurant in our office building, and it is the worst place, I've ever been, for food. And he ordered the egg foo young, and it looked like a plate of puke. I was, I'm not even, I'm not even joking.
Vic00:25:02It tasted slightly better. It tasted slightly better. It tasted, it came up later on, but you know, I think that's what the Tums is for. That's what the Tums is for. Okay. Number two, roast pork lo mein. I love, I love the roast pork with the red. Yeah, with the red, yeah. How do you do that? I don't know what that is.
JVL00:25:19Can we go back to the vomit plate for just one moment?
Vic00:25:20It was delicious. The brown gravy.
JVL00:25:22How does egg foo young rank third for you? It's so good. That's really high up. It is. It's a guilty pleasure. It may kill me.
Sonny00:25:29I've never actually seen that on a buffet. I've never actually seen that on a buffet. You might see it stacked up.
JVL00:25:34See, Sonny, I bet it tastes better after it's been sitting on the heat lamps for a little while. Good point. Because it needs to gel. It just marinates a little bit.
Vic00:25:40Yeah. You know, half our listeners like this is disgusting. The other half are rushing out to a Chinese buffet right now.
Sonny00:25:44There's a 40% chance you and I are going to a Chinese buffet after this. 45.
Vic00:25:49Okay. Number two is the roast pork lo mein. I just think it's great. I love that roast pork. And number one. Is cream of some young guy. I'm just kidding. No, I'm just kidding. That was. No, you don't have to bleep that. Number one is house pan fried noodle. And that's hard to get on a buffet, but if you can get crispy noodle. Now you're just talking about fancy things. I know.
Sonny00:26:07Now you're like, oh. Peking duck. You know what I love about the Chinese buffet are the Alaskan crab legs. The Alaskan king crab. You know, the legs. You get them and it's like, that's on everyone.
Vic00:26:16I'm ready to move on. Okay. Okay. Guys.
JVL00:26:19That segment was gold.
Vic00:26:2126 minutes in. But guys. Boys. Nicely done. All right. Thank you. Thank you, JVL. I'm sweating over here. Okay. Two questions before we move on. Yeah, please.
JVL00:26:29One, Victorino, have you ever been thrown out of a Chinese restaurant for abusing the buffet?
Vic00:26:34I've gotten some bad looks, but no. No.
JVL00:26:37Two, this is a serious question. My sense is that Thai food has displaced Chinese food in the American food landscape.
Sonny00:26:45Is this true, A, and B, if true, why? I think that this is true in cities. I think this is untrue in... In suburbs and strip malls. In regular... Because I do think that there is...
JVL00:26:57Out by me in the exurbs, 100% true. Do you think it's more Thai? 100% true. Now, maybe I'm not far enough out. That's right, but...
Vic00:27:03I mean, you're still close to... It's coming out. It's coming towards you.
Sonny00:27:05I do think Thai has become a more acceptable thing. I think as more people have understood that chicken pad thai is basically just sweet chicken and noodles, that it's become a more acceptable thing. Yeah. But I do think that Chinese has lost some of its appeal in the cities. Oh, yeah. Because as a... Like, kind of a second wave gentrifier myself, I remember when I moved into some of these neighborhoods, the only restaurants there were were takeout Chinese places.
Vic00:27:31That's right.
Sonny00:27:31And the second wave of restaurants that came were Thai restaurants, interestingly enough. And I do think that there is an idea in some of the people who live in these areas' mind that Thai is superior to Chinese as a cuisine.
JVL00:27:48I think that's nonsense, but... The price points are the same.
Vic00:27:51Well, Thai is more expensive. Thai is more expensive. Thai is a little more expensive. A little more expensive. Yeah. I think certainly a lot of it has to do with the health consciousness, you know, in terms of MSG and things like that. And Thai is a very... Thai and Vietnamese are much lighter fare, obviously, Japanese, too, than Chinese, American Chinese, which is just heavy and greasy.
Sonny00:28:08And the Thai places are like sit-down places, as opposed to the Chinese takeout joints, which are like takeout joints.
JVL00:28:15I go to a... Are Thai places do both?
Vic00:28:18Oh.
Sonny00:28:18No, but I'm thinking, again, once again, I'm thinking in the cities, which are like... Okay. Yeah, understood.
Vic00:28:24And there's also the belief that, obviously, you know, that these other places are perhaps cleaner. For example, the Thai restaurant that I go to, Thai Noi in Arlington, which is fantastic, the owner, you know, we've become friends over the many years that we've lived there. And sometimes he goes, ah, come here into the kitchen, go into the kitchen. He goes, for example, he goes, look at the floor. It's spotless here. Very clean. He goes, those Chinese restaurants, they're all dirty. They're all dirty, he says. So they have that attitude. But again, that's, you know, them.
JVL00:28:54My childhood memory of the Chinese restaurant that we went to all the time, the thing that I found disgusting about it, was that in the men's room.
Vic00:29:03I would never go to a men's room in a Chinese restaurant.
JVL00:29:06To dry your hands. It was the cloth towel. Oh, no. Which I, again, even as a five-year-old boy, I looked at that and I thought, gross. No. That's disgusting. No. That can't be real.
Sonny00:29:19No, I remember the first time I saw one of those, like, kind of vomiting in my mouth Whose idea is this? Like, this couldn't possibly, the only thing that is more unsanitary in a bathroom is the urinal trough. You know, like the, you know, just like the, it was, the worst I've ever seen was at RFK, which was like a, like an oval-shaped one. A two-sided trough. Yeah, it was like a two-sided trough. You just had a bunch of animals standing in it, peeing into a, a, a, a.
JVL00:29:45At that point, just let people go in the hall, on the concourse. Yeah, you might as well just let them walk up to the wall in the concourse and leave yourself there.
Vic00:29:50You might as well just let them throw their feces onto the field. No, the worst thing ever is if you're. If you go to those places and you're wearing sandals or something, you know, because I remember I was there and Wrigley, Wrigley has a trough, and I was standing next to my old friend, Jose Gillix, and Jose better not feel splashing. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling splashing, you know, and it's just. God. It's so. From, from the Chinese buffet to the urinal trough in two easy steps. Good, good show, guys. Okay, good show. Good show. That was really good. Okay, I had a transition, but I think I'm going to skip it, get, just get, jump to the point. Okay. Can we talk about box office over the weekend? Over the weekend, right? And we're going to talk about Valerian, right? We want to talk about. Is that what, is that what the episode? See, there was, there was no.
Sonny00:30:29That's what, that's what's going to, the title of the episode is going to be Valerian and Luke Besson, and then we're, we're, you're getting to it now, 31 minutes in. Good, 30, 30 minutes, yes, my goodness. 33 minutes.
Vic00:30:39So, no transition here. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets did its second week, 6.8 million. For a total of. Is that, is that good? 30.6. Is that good?
JVL00:30:51Yeah.
Sonny00:30:51It's good if you're comparing it to Almost Famous. It's good, it's pretty good, especially for a movie that cost $175 million to make, $180 million to make, so whatever.
Vic00:31:00Yeah, that's the budget, and it's up to $30.6 million. Yeah, China will save it. Dunkirk was on top still.
JVL00:31:07Well, they'll sell a lot of Valerian lunchboxes. Right.
Vic00:31:11Action figures. Action figures. Action figures. So, Dunkirk was on top at 28, followed by the Emoji Movie, Girls Trip, and Atomic Blonde, which we'll discuss in the next episode. I think next week, yeah, we'll talk about that. What's going on here? You both saw Valerian in the City of a Thousand Planets. I did not. Okay. JVL, do you want me to do the big boy review?
Sonny00:31:33Yeah, please. So, I liked Valerian in the City of a Thousand Planets more than I didn't like it. So, that's about the most ringing endorsement of this movie that you will find. The first three scenes kind of set the stage for the whole film. The first scene is, it is a... image of Earth becoming an extraterrestrial society. So, basically, you have, like, set to the pleasant dulcet tones of space oddity. You have human civilizations coming together and forming a big space station. They enter the... Each, like, new pod joins to the pods that are already there. And they come on board and they shake hands. And then you get the Chinese and the Russians. And the Indians. And everybody's coming together and shaking hands and joining forces. And the station grows and grows. And then the first extraterrestrial ship comes by. And the aliens come on board and they shake hands. And this process repeats itself. And it's actually a very well-done sequence, I think. One that kind of, like, sets up the basic function of this society. Which is as this kind of Star Trek-esque federation of aliens and humans living together in peace and prosperity. Like, trading information and whatever. You know, nobody wants to go to war. Everyone, whatever. It's, I mean, it's obviously willful and naive and all that. But it's nice. And then the first line of dialogue, basically. The first real line of dialogue. The first, like, exposition. Is Rutger Hauer coming on screen and saying, This space station is too heavy. We're going off into the deep reaches of the space. And it kind of goes off on its own. So then the second scene, the second sequence, is basically. A short film. It's a short film that is kind of an avatar knockoff. You have these aliens who are, like, big and kind of gangly. And they have their own, you know, culture and society. And it's essentially a short film that is also a silent film. It's very well done. Like, you can follow the action without quite understanding exactly what's happening. You see these aliens living in peace with their society. And, you know, they are in harmony with nature. They're all getting along together. And they're replenishing what they take from the sea, et cetera. So this is all very well done. Again, this all comes to a crashing end when ships come, you know, smashing into the planet. Like, wreckage of ships comes smashing into the planet. And it destroys everything. There's a very touching moment where the, like, daughter of the queen of this society is trapped outside of the ship where these people have kind of cordoned themselves off. This is actually a very solid piece of filmmaking. It is just a show-don't-tell masterpiece. It is, you know, here is how everything works. They could have gotten rid of all the subtitles and it would have worked just as well. And then the third sequence starts. And this is the main part of the film. This is where we first meet Valerian and his female compatriot Lorelei. Loreline? Loreline. Loreline, whatever it is. And it is just this. This is kind of where everything goes off the rails for me. Because what you have is the main character, Valerian, who is played by Dane DeHaan, who is best known probably from Chronicle and some other stuff, A Cure for Wellness. He basically just says, point blank, exactly what his characteristics are. So there are lines of dialogue that are like, I am just a straight-shooting warrior who is looking to settle down and fall in love. And it is almost like out of a textbook of how you should not write dialogue, how you should not script, how you should not characterize your characters. So you have these kind of two ideas in very real tension with each other, where Luc Besson has this great imagination, and he has this great idea for character design. And you see a lot of that in the first section where the alien races are coming, into the Valerian space station before it goes off. And you see this in the opening action sequence with Valerian, which is set in this kind of multi-dimensional marketplace, like a Middle Eastern market that is set over multiple dimensions, and you can only really see it if you're wearing the right helmets. All that is really great, but there's all this explaining and talking and just telling people what we're literally seeing on the screen. The thing that is most frustrating, about this film, is how unnecessary all of this dialogue is. So this is why I say there's more to like here than there is not to like, but there's a lot not to like. One thing I will say for it, and we'll come back to this in a bit, is that I do think it is one of the few movies I've ever seen in 3D that benefited from the 3D effect and utilized it in a way that was artistic rather than a pure cash grab.
JVL00:36:48JVL, you have thoughts? You know what, I'm so glad you said that, Sonny, because I felt that way about the 3D. I wound up in a 3D presentation basically by accident, and I felt guilty for thinking that I had the 3D adding to the film experience, and so I was just going to tamp that down and not say it because I didn't want you to be angry at me.
Sonny00:37:07No, no, no, I think it is actually a well-done, well-structured piece of 3D filmmaking that it was clearly envisioned by Besson, Luc Besson, as he was kind of making the film in his head. The rest of the film had had as much attention paid to it as the 3D sequences did.
JVL00:37:26So it's a mess, as you say, and it's a mess for a bunch of different reasons. For me, and I don't know why this is, I've been trying to puzzle this out, for me the movie just has an enormous amount of goodwill built into it with the audience, at least the audience being me, that all the stuff that was a mess didn't especially bother me. I didn't love it. I'm not saying I loved it. I don't even know that I liked it. But I was certainly entertained by it and sort of pulling for the movie to be okay as it unfurled, for all the things that were wrong with it. It is certainly lesser Besson. I mean, part of it may be just that you can tell that he gives a crap as a director. I mean, this is not a guy who ever has existed with the mindset that you do one for them and one for me. I mean, he pours his little French soul into every project he does. This is clearly a passion project. And he said this a bunch of times. Dedicated to his father. And it is, you know, in that way that's charming. It's a big sci-fi movie that's about Europe and colonialism and, like, the most noblest savages you've ever seen, who are also brilliant savages who, in the space of 30 years, go from knowing nothing about technology to mastering and surpassing everything that every other species does.
Sonny00:38:52So, I don't want to get into giant spoilers, but one of the things that is most jarring about this film is the fact that it is just a literal Holocaust allegory. That it is.
JVL00:39:09I was going to ask another question, too, about that.
Sonny00:39:12Well, I mean, like, there are very specific references, like, six million dead, we are survivors, we are witnesses. It was just like, oh, my God, I can't believe he's doing this. I, like, the society that they construct for themselves in the heart of Larian, the people who tried to destroy him.
JVL00:39:29People apart. A ghetto, if you will.
Sonny00:39:31Clearly Israel. The technologically, I mean, it was like, it was, I, there is... Lupe Son is a Zionist, it turns out. There's, yeah, no, I mean, there is a tablet piece to be written about this. Lee Smith maybe should write it, I don't know. But, like, I'm like, I was actually kind of taken aback by it.
JVL00:39:49Yeah, I, and again, this is, all this is part and parcel of the, I don't know what really to say about it, except that, yes, it's a mess. No, it's not a very good movie. And yet, I was kind of, in a minor way, charmed by it. Does that make sense? I respect it a lot.
Sonny00:40:05I respect what he's doing. I respect, but it is, there are things that are so bad about it that it just, it made me angry while I was watching it because I was like, you can do better than this. You don't have to hold our hands quite this hard, you know?
JVL00:40:22The notes I have here, Dane DeHaan, DeHane, DeHaan, DeHaan. So, I'm going to say this, and once I say it, you'll never be able to unsay it. He looks like a teenage Benicio Del Toro. Yeah. But he has the voice of Keanu Reeves. Oh, yeah. And I found his youthfulness distracting. Well, so this is- I mean, he looks like a 12-year-old throughout this movie.
Sonny00:40:48One of the big problems with this movie is the casting. And I really like Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. Cara Delevingne. Cara De. I really like Cara De. She has very prominent eyebrows that I find interesting in a weird way. She is not a good actress. I think-
JVL00:41:03She has moments of- I think this is wrong. I think this is- She's ill-served in this movie.
Sonny00:41:08I think this is her Mia Jovovich in Fifth Element movie.
JVL00:41:13I know that this is the comparison people are going to make, and it is Mia Jovovich owns Fifth Element and is fantastic and winning and winsome throughout the movie. And does really interesting things with language. And Cara Delevingne just has moments where she just registers as a blank. There is not always life in her performance. And there are moments when she's good, but it is not consistent. She does not hold the screen.
Sonny00:41:37I disagree with that. Anyway, but like- But the problem with Dane DeHaan is that he is supposed to be playing a Harrison Ford Han Solo type character. He's supposed to be playing like a charming rogue.
JVL00:41:47How about Chris Pine in that role? And he looks- I don't know if Chris Pine would be-
Sonny00:41:52Chris Pine, I mean, look, Chris Pine would make most roles 20% better at least. But I mean, but somebody in that vein, at least. Like he, the problem with Dane DeHaan is that he is, like he works very well in a movie like A Cure for Wellness, where he is supposed to be playing a sickly looking individual. Because he looks sickly. Like he just, he has these kind of sallow eyes and this like gaunt, drawn feature. And he looks young. And he looks young and sick. He looks young and sick. And it like does not work for this type of movie. That is another of the big problems with it. I don't know.
JVL00:42:27And the last thing I'll say is, Rihanna, terrible.
?00:42:31Oh, she's so bad at acting.
Sonny00:42:33Also, that character is hugely problematic.
JVL00:42:37The dead, so this is, so here's the problem. She's dead voiced. And Rihanna's performance underscores the thing that I think I was trying to make when we were talking about Andy Serkis, which is that at least 70% of what an actor does, they do with their voice. And Rihanna, who has no understanding of how to act, although she's a great voice. No, no, but not in this. Her line reads are so bad that I'm amazed. And think about this. That must have been the best takes they could get out of her.
Sonny00:43:06I am, I am, I mean.
JVL00:43:09I'm shocked they kept her in the movie, frankly.
Sonny00:43:11I am, frankly, I guess there was probably something in her contract, and they probably didn't want the PR headache of dubbing over her voice. Yeah. But somebody should have dubbed it over. Who would you, is there somebody else
JVL00:43:22you would have preferred in that? In general, anybody who is a competent actor.
Sonny00:43:26Literally any voice actor. So literally. Literally any voice actress.
Vic00:43:29Literally any voice actress would have been a smarter choice. Oh, boy. Ah, you know what else is a smarter choice? Dollar Shave Club. You'll get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. It's a no-brainer choice. You no longer have to schlep to the store to buy a cheap disposable razor that gives you a cheap shave, or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech you don't need. When I use my Dollar Shave Club executive razor with their Dr. Carver's Shave Butter, blade glides ever so gently. It gives me such a smooth shave. I actually used it this morning. Plus, their Dr. Carver's Shave Butter is transparent for a more precise shave, helps prevent ingrown hairs, and fights razor bumps. Now, listeners to the Substandard podcast can make the smarter choice by joining Dollar Shave Club. For a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their Dr. Carver's Shave Butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. That's a $50 value for only $5. In your first month box, you get an awesome, weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their Shave Butter. After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees and no commitments. Cancel any time you like, but why would you? You can only get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash substandard. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash substandard. Did you fellas have further thoughts on Luc Besson, or do you want to talk about the IMAX 3D situation?
JVL00:45:04I wouldn't mind talking about Luc Besson briefly. JFL, go. People in America don't fully appreciate what a big deal he is. He is French cinema over the last generation. He opened L'Ecole de la Cité, a companion film school that rivals the national French government film school that was started by Louis Lomière. He built the Cité du Cinéma, which is France's largest production facility. I mean, he is with his writing credits, his feature film directing, and his producing, you could think of him essentially as a larger version of Steven Spielberg in France. So what Spielberg has been to American cinema over the last 40 years, that's basically what
Sonny00:45:49Besson has been. Over the last 30 years? Yeah. 20, 25 years? Yeah.
JVL00:45:53Yeah. And so he's incredibly French. He's been married four times. The first time he left his wife for an actress who was 15. How very French of him. They had a child when she was 16. Then they married. I'm just presenting the information, Vic. These are just things that happened. I'm just giving you facts. He then divorced her. She got too old. When, during the fifth element, he started carrying on with me over the Vich. They were married. They eventually divorced, and he's with the lady who he is with now. They've had three kids together. He's just, he is just a French archetype and somebody who, again, as I said, everything he does is better than it has to be. It is interesting. He is a true auteur in a way. So you take a film like Lucy, which is a utterly disposable action movie, and directed by anybody else, you know, Simon West handles that. No, please, Vic, clink your ice. People like hearing that.
Vic00:47:00Sonny's shaking his head, but I believe Listener Plan Zero enjoys it.
Sonny00:47:04You see what we deal with, people? Please, continue on, Luc Besson.
JVL00:47:09Anyway, so a film like Lucy becomes, if it's directed by Simon West or any number, like 95% of the actors who, or directors who work in film, is totally forgettable, but Luc Besson does it, and it's a really charming, interesting, energetic, lively movie with some
Sonny00:47:24ideas in it. With some ideas in it, but also clever, and he's clearly having fun with the little intercut shots of a mouse walking into a trap, and
JVL00:47:31he cares. He is never
Sonny00:47:34mailing it in. Right, and this is the visual version of over-explaining, but it is also clever in a way that is very much missing from Valerian. And he's winking
JVL00:47:44with the audience, right? He's playing with the audience. I mean, at some point we could rank the Luc Besson movies if you want. Should we do that? Let's do that. I mean, do you want to talk about other movies first? Or Luc Besson things? Or do you just want to go right to the ranking? Well, I have actually
Sonny00:47:56I have two rankings. I have Luc Besson directed and Luc Besson other produced slash written. Besson?
JVL00:48:04Besson? Yeah, Besson. Besson?
Sonny00:48:06Besson. Luc Besson?
JVL00:48:08So, I only did directing. So, what do you want to do? You go first. Number three. No, no, let's go start with number one. Number one is The Fifth Element, which is the most French science fiction movie ever. It has action and music and it views government bureaucracy as a farce and it's chauvinistic about French culture and Jean-Paul Gaultier kind of uncomfortable about the Algerian immigration situation and
Sonny00:48:34ultimately believes that love can
JVL00:48:36conquer evil. Plus a terrific
Vic00:48:38villain. Plus a terrific villain
JVL00:48:40in Gary Oldman. And the costumes by Jean-Paul Gaultier. Jean-Paul Gaultier.
Sonny00:48:44Which is like the defining element of that movie. Yes.
JVL00:48:48Number two, La Femme Nikita, which is a much more influential movie than people give it. Credit for being. It is Buffy before Buffy. It is the prototype for the modern female action movie. It comes before Terminator 2, before Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It establishes the template for what is now a de rigueur genre. Sort of a genre all its own, which is the female action hero. And number three is a movie called Léon. And Vic, I was just wondering if you could tell us what you think about Léon. You mean the professional?
Vic00:49:16Léon. That's my number one movie. So can you tell us
JVL00:49:21what is just the
Vic00:49:22hitman protecting a girl? It's sort of the reverse of the movie Gloria. Have you ever seen Gloria with Gina Rollins and she has to protect the boy after the family is murdered? It's the reverse. So she's the girl and they have this work from a relationship. You like the director's cut, right?
JVL00:49:36Not the American theatrical cut, but the one
Vic00:49:39from Europe. SMDH, JVL,
JVL00:49:41SMDH. Well, it's just a fuller explanation. It's a fuller view of his vision.
Vic00:49:46And I just
Sonny00:49:46moving right along,
Vic00:49:49it was such a touching charade scene. Remember they did charades? What's the difference
JVL00:49:52between the American theatrical and the French theatrical? I don't remember, but I'll tell you what,
Sonny00:49:57the FBI bots are just crawling all over this episode. Also,
Vic00:50:00Gary Oldman. Doesn't he remind us of somebody that we know? Hard to say.
JVL00:50:06Sonny, so what are your...
Sonny00:50:09Well, top three directed. Number three, Joan of Arc. Underrated historical epic. It is, again, very French. It's very Luc Bessonni and it has like, Mia Jovic is probably a little bit... out of her element as Joan of Arc, but I just love it. I love the way that her... It is kind of shot in that kind of close-up, but from underneath, a lot of her action scenes to give it that kind of weird fishbowl look. I love it. I just love how that movie looks. You know who's
Vic00:50:42in his element in that movie? Dustin Hoffman.
Sonny00:50:43Yes, Dustin Hoffman as the devil. Number two, The Fifth Element, which I love and I agree with everything you said. Fantastic.
JVL00:50:52That movie ages like crazy, too.
Sonny00:50:54It's perfect. I mean, it is perfect in weird ways that are I will assume will become horribly problematic in the next, like, four to five years.
JVL00:51:03His 15-year-old bride is in the movie and she plays the diva. She's no longer 15. She's now an adult. Oh, really? Oh, that's her? That is his wife. The one who sings? The alien who sings and gets shot? The one who sings and gets shot and killed is his wife. That must have been interesting, directing a scene with both his wife and his future
Vic00:51:24wife. He had her keep all the makeup on. Very French. He had her keep all the makeup on. Very French. Wild.
Sonny00:51:30Go ahead. And number one is The Professional. That is obviously his best film.
JVL00:51:34What do you like about that movie, Sonny?
Sonny00:51:36Well, I like that it has Gary Oldman giving the most Gary Oldman performance, but also just like the I love the structure of the shootout in the apartment building at the end of the film. I mean, it just is like perfectly you could have done that whole sequence without a single line of dialogue and followed it exactly as it was meant to be. Perfect. And I also have a list of Luke Besson as kind of either the writer or producer or like genius behind the movies. Number three is Columbiana, which I actually like more than La Femme Nikita, I think. But it is the same basic movie. It's the single woman trying to battle her way through all of her enemies, etc., etc. The Transporter. The Transporter, written by Luke Besson. This is like the other category. So this is where Jason Statham comes into his own as like a legit action star and like has spawned a whole series of nonsense. And Taken. I mean, Taken is like the apotheosis of Luke Besson, which he wrote and produced. And it was directed by Olivier Megaton, which is one of my all-time Olivia Megaton, the frequent collaborator with Mr. Besson. Megatron? Megaton. Megaton. So anyway, Taken is like the like... And Taken is one of the great pure action films of the 2000s. It's like one of these movies that just makes pure sense. And like it is stripped down. It's John Wick before John Wick was a thing.
Vic00:53:16It's also a wake-up call for fathers. Never send your daughters to Paris.
Sonny00:53:20Never let your daughters out of your sight. Ever. Vic, you... Can you condense this into like a minute? Like, you did not want to see Valerian. I did not. And you very specifically didn't. You begged us not to
JVL00:53:34see it. Yeah, I'm sorry because you don't have kids or any obligations. You could have done this because you're alone in that house. I'd be wasting my time.
Vic00:53:40I'd rather play two hours of civilization.
Sonny00:53:42He could have done it and he didn't want to and I'm curious
Vic00:53:44to know why you were so... Okay, here we go. I wrote this down. It did not look interesting to me. I watched the trailer and every time you hear something like, in a world never before seen or whatever, I've seen this world before. It looks like Avatar. Okay, I'm going to take a pass. I feel like the movie's been... I'm tired of the CGI effects. I think that's why I like Dunkirk so much. I'm just tired and I know that Thor Ragnarok's going to be the same way. What am I watching? I'm watching a cartoon, okay? And I love the Fifth Element but I don't feel like seeing Fifth Element Part 2 and with a cast I've never heard of except for Clive Owen and City of a Thousand Planets. What does that mean? It just... I didn't find it compelling on any level. I want to focus in... How do you like that? That was what? That was good.
Sonny00:54:2430 seconds. That was good. I want to focus in on the title because this is very interesting to me. When you hear Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, what do you think?
Vic00:54:32I think it makes no sense. I don't know what you're talking about. What is going on here?
Sonny00:54:36Dear Hollywood, title your movies better.
JVL00:54:41That's not wrong. The City of a Thousand Planets is a terrible title. Terrible. Well, Valerian.
Vic00:54:46Valerian colon City of a Thousand Planets. I mean, like, because... No, no, no, sorry. Because if you don't know what
Sonny00:54:52Valerian is, you just assume it's the City of a Thousand Planets. Valerian is the... No, no, no. But no, but Valerian is apparently the character. The whole movie was... That's right. The marketing on this movie is really... And I know your friend Richard Rushfeld is a big fan of this movie and of Mr. Bessel. Did a fantastic
JVL00:55:08profile of the song for Vanity Fair, which I'm going to
Sonny00:55:10put in show notes. Wrote a very nice profile of him. And if he can pass any one thing on to his Hollywood people, it should be this bit of the conversation. Title your movies better.
Vic00:55:22So, shall we hold our discussion of IMAX bailing on 3D for another episode? Why?
JVL00:55:29We're only 59 minutes into this thing.
Vic00:55:32We're at 55 minutes? Yeah, it's up to you guys. If you want to save it for
Sonny00:55:36another time, we can do it right now. It's your choice. Do you want to do it in outtakes? It's too big for outtakes. Let's just move to corrections.
JVL00:55:43We'll do it. How about next week? Next week. We can do it next week. IMAX will... 3D will still be terrible next week. That's right.
Vic00:55:49The last good 3D movie I saw was Captain EO. Thank you. Save that for later. Corrections, additions?
JVL00:55:58Sonny, JVL? I have none. So, I have two. One addition, one correction. The addition is from my buddy Aaron Frank, who is a friend of the show, who emails in saying that for you, Vic, because you need gusseted crotch stuff, but you're not allowed to wear jeans to the office. So, there's a company called Duluth Trading, which makes a khaki pant for men with a gusseted crotch. It is called, I kid you not, the model of the pant. Ballroom.
Sonny00:56:34Looks pretty good. You should definitely wear those into the office. Yeah, that or sweatpants.
Vic00:56:38Anything with a garter. No, they're khakis.
JVL00:56:40Anything with a garter, I prefer. So, the other thing is, it's about Tesla. So, I made a mistake. And we got a one-star review from this listener. What? No, we didn't. Well, I hope it drives into a tree while she's listening to the podcast. So, I said, I made a mistake in talking about the government rebates that you get for Tesla. Yes. $7,000? I said it was $7,000 that the federal government gives you. It's $7,500.
Sonny00:57:07Oh. And that gets a one-star?
JVL00:57:09And I said that California, I think, gave $12,000 in rebate. And this was wrong. I was conflating a bunch of numbers. The state goes various by state. California gives you $2,500 additionally. Colorado gives you $5,000. Louisiana gives you up to $9,500. And if you live in Canada and you live in Ontario, you can get up to $14,000 back from the Canadian government. Who could say? Canadian dollars? For purchasing a $107,000 automobile.
Vic00:57:55What about the Model 3? It's under $40,000 now. Yeah, well. The future's here.
JVL00:57:59And you know what? You will be able to buy one of those Model 3s in 2025, despite the fact that they were promising this car on the road like eight years ago.
Vic00:58:09It's, you know, it's great.
JVL00:58:12So I overstated the California rebate, but I understated all the other rebates. And so suck it, whoever your name is. Oh, wow. iTunes. Yeah. Don't drive your Tesla
Sonny00:58:25into a tree. I don't want you to drive your Tesla into a tree, but I do. I do want you to rethink your... You are now asking for murder and violence. We're an honorable podcast, you know. Maybe re-evaluate that star rating. You can bump it up a few, I think. No.
JVL00:58:41No, leave it there as a badge.
Vic00:58:44Okay. Spirit of the Week is Tin Cup, made with Rocky Mountain waters. This is actually a gift from Captain Bill Dwyer.
Sonny00:58:52Oh. Captain Bill Dwyer. What does he do for a living? Did he save a person burning from a building and then he ran out to the ABC store to pick you something up while you're playing
Vic00:59:01Civ? Well, the funny thing about the trope is of course that, you know, he's like, oh, he's a firefighting captain and a fire marshal, but, you know, can he write? I keep on forgetting to mention that he does have a master's degree in history from Boston College, but other than that, and he was on the fencing team for BC. Other than that, we're cool. Okay. Thank you. That's all the time we are giving to this episode. Questions, comments, complaints, compliments, tweet us at Victorino Matus, at
Sonny00:59:27Sonny Bunch. At JV
Vic00:59:29Last. Make sure to get at JV Last. Especially your concerns about electric cars.
Sonny00:59:33Yes. He wants to hear from you.
JVL00:59:35Be sure to... I cannot tell you
Vic00:59:37how much I don't want to hear from you. Again, be sure to subscribe to us on iTunes or Google Play or Stitcher. Just type in Substandard under podcast and we're there. I have a question for you.
JVL00:59:47I don't know what it is. I have a question for you, Vic. If I offered you $100... Uh-huh. ...and you had one minute to find Stitcher on the internet,
Vic00:59:55would you do it? Yes, I'd go on to a Word document, and then I'd just say... Type in. And then I'd say, Computer, Stitcher, please. Stitcher.
JVL01:00:03I don't even know where Stitcher is
Vic01:00:05or how one gets a Stitcher. I clicked on Jim Swift's link and there we were. Leave a review. Tell your friends and don't forget. There we were. Don't forget, Substandard's show is probably going to be up on Friday
JVL01:00:15at 11 a.m. You know what? No. I don't think it's going to be now. I'm so angry about this. Tesla thing that I'm not... No show notes for you. Aw,
Sonny01:00:25you see what's happened, people? Tweet at JVL and let him know. Let him know. Until next time.
Vic01:00:41So, just a brief special shout out, I guess, to Kyle Foley for his live tweeting of the last two episodes of The Substandard, which is... It's strange, but
Sonny01:00:51oddly compelling. I, look, I'm gonna throw this out there. I think that if we become a huge runaway success, like the Pod Save America empire, we would, we will owe it all to Mr. Kyle Foley, so thank you. Thank you very much, Kyle. You know what? There's
JVL01:01:07only one problem with this. Kyle's live tweets so far, sometimes better than the actual show. Yeah, that's a good point. He's putting us to shame, really. But here's what I kind of would like, though. I wonder if we could set up a designated substandard listening time for people, where we coordinate, no, I mean, not formally, but where Kyle and KSA and other people sort of agree that they're all gonna have it on at the same time. Comfortably smug. And they could, and smug, and Carl, and they can all live tweet together, because I think that, putting all those people together, would be ten times
Sonny01:01:45as good as the show. It's better than the show. That would be a million times better than the show. God, I'm looking
JVL01:01:49at the... It would be like the... What was the VH1 with the videos, where the show, where they would pop up? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, pop-up videos. It would be pop-up video for the substandard, and it would be a vastly superior product.
Sonny01:02:01I'm looking at the thing right now, the little sine wave of all of our... And I notice a big kind of dull spot in the middle, where I was doing the review. Was I not in the mic? Could somebody give me a heads up when I'm walking like this? No, no, you were on. Was it okay?
JVL01:02:17You were on. I don't know. I was looking at my
Vic01:02:19phone. I didn't notice. Oh. I'm sure it's fine.
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