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#34. THE SUBSTANDARD CELEBRATES THE KENTUCKY DERBY
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Dudes Chatting — Kentucky Derby and gambling: Vic hosts an imagined Kentucky Derby party at "Michael Caine's" house — one of Vic's recurring impression characters — complete with mint juleps and a genteel atmosphere that quickly gives way to Vic's admitted gambling problem. Vic reveals he bet on McCracken. The episode's standout moment is Vic relaying an anecdote about his daughter: she sat on the lid of a toy chest while her brother was trapped inside, looked down, and told him, "This is a tomb. Make him dead." JVL and Sonny receive this story with the appropriate level of horror. A light, loose micro-episode with no formal reviews or box office segment.
Full transcript
Sonny00:00:00I want to talk about mint juleps. That's all I really care about.
Vic00:00:25Hello, and welcome to another micro-episode of Substandard, sponsored by Dollar Shave Club. The Substandard is now part of the Ricochet Audio Network. I'm Victor Matus, along with Jonathan V. Last and Sonny Bunch. Just a quick reminder that full episodes of The Substandard are available every Thursday at 11 a.m., and Substandard show notes are posted by Jonathan Last every Friday at weeklystandard.com. This past weekend, we had the Kentucky Derby. Are you guys... Are you guys fans? Did you watch? What's going on here?
Sonny00:00:58I will say it's the only horse race I watch every year. You know, it's funny. We talked about boxing last week. We're talking about horse racing this week. So basically a series of dying or dead sports as the mini-episodes of The Weekly Substandard, really reeling in the listeners here.
Vic00:01:13But it's not like the horse racing is losing out to some other racing thing like dogs or
Sonny00:01:17ponies. I don't think so. I don't think so. Well, maybe. I mean, I haven't been to the dog track recently. That would be a lot of fun. I'd like to do that. You know, the thing about... Kentucky Derby parties is I could care less about the race. And I assume that 99.8% of the people who are going to Kentucky Derby parties or to the Kentucky Derby itself really can't care that much about the race. Nobody knows. Like, a horse isn't an athlete. You're not watching. I know this is going to be a big one. Horses aren't athletes, so you don't really care about whether or not they do well. And the sport itself is dumb because it's not actually a sport. It's just an activity that has a race involved. But the event itself is a lot of fun. You get to dress up. You can wear your white linen sport coats. That's what I wore. I wore a nice white linen sport coat with a pink button down Oxford.
Vic00:02:04I saw you, Sonny. You looked like a dandy.
Sonny00:02:06I wanted to dandy it up a bit. Of course, I was wearing my Prada jeans with my... No, I wasn't.
Vic00:02:13I was going to say, I didn't think so.
Sonny00:02:16And the best part of the race, of course, is the drinking options. The mint julep, the mint julep I made with the Maker's Mark, the official bourbon of the Kentucky Derby, I believe. Is that right? It's either that or Woodford. I can't remember. Woodford, that's mine. Is it Woodford? I think it's Woodford. At the Derby, it's Woodford for me. Don't email me about corrections, people. That doesn't count, because I caught myself if I was wrong. And if I was right, whatever. But anyway, the mint julep is the best drink. It's sweet. It's pungent. I mean, you have to be careful drinking them. You can't just chug them for like six hours.
Vic00:02:50No, and it depends on the ratio. Our good friend Michael Caine had a party.
Sonny00:02:55Yeah, we went to Michael Caine's house for a party. It was really, really cool. Yeah. They pay attention to this in England? I know. It's crazy.
Vic00:03:01Yes, yes. So we went there, and it was really, really exciting. Who was that? I don't know, but Michael Caine made his own-
JVL00:03:09Did you take the Concord over? Yes. Did you bring your whole family to this?
Vic00:03:12Put it out. Yes. Oh, it was crazy. I'm sorry you missed this. Wow. I wasn't invited, I guess.
Sonny00:03:16You were invited. What were you doing? Was it your birthday, J.B.O.?
JVL00:03:21Might have been my birthday on Kentucky Derby Day. That's sad. I was celebrating my birthday. Yeah, I like to think of Kentucky Derby Day as Free Comic Book Day, which is what it was this year. But we can get to that later.
Vic00:03:31But we were talking about the different drinks, and Michael Caine made his own mint juleps. What did you think about them, Sonny?
JVL00:03:39Oh, they were good. They were very strong. They were very strong.
Vic00:03:41How many mint juleps can one drink? It depends on the ratios. If it's a week, I can have three or four. That's fine.
Sonny00:03:49Yeah, this is a metaphysical question. Like, one could drink many, many mint juleps, but how many-
JVL00:03:54In a reasonable way, in front of one's children, at a- Twelve. Family-style party. Fourteen. Fourteen.
Vic00:04:02Yeah, yeah, something like that.
JVL00:04:05You can give them to your kids, right, because they taste so sweet?
Vic00:04:08Oh, yeah. If you put enough mint, they don't know. Mint, and I guess, what did Michael Caine use? Simple syrup?
Sonny00:04:14Yeah, it's just, I mean, it's like you make a syrup with some mint, and you crush it in there, and then settle with some bourbon and ice.
JVL00:04:23Yeah, it was delicious. Did you guys, like, put bets on the-
Vic00:04:26I did. I bet on McCracken, and you have to say it that way. McCracken. McCracken, and McCracken was a big disappointment. But so was Irish War Cry. What did you bet on, Sonny? I didn't bet on anything.
Sonny00:04:37You didn't! No, I don't, I only, we've had this discussion before, I don't like betting on things that I don't understand. So, I don't understand horse racing. If I was betting, it would just be blind, it would be like playing the lottery.
Vic00:04:47You know what, I mostly win. You mostly win. When I bet on horses.
Sonny00:04:52You were actually saying at the party that you have- You have become very, very into the whole horse racing scene.
Vic00:04:57It started in 2003 at Gold Cup.
Sonny00:05:00How did your problem begin, Vic?
Vic00:05:02Yes, well, it started, I went with my now wife, Kate, to Gold Cup, and they had informal bets going on there. And I had never bet on a horse before, but I looked at one- And she bet you something, and she said, well, I'll marry you if this happens. That's exactly what happened, JBL. And I bet on a horse that was pretty young, I don't know, maybe two years, and it was named, I still remember to this day, the horse's name was Senor Melchior, and I liked it, and I won, and I was the only one who picked him, and so I cleaned up on that. How much did you win? Maybe 40, but I only put in five, so, you know, something good. You got good odds. Those were good odds. What I do remember is several years ago, maybe it was two years, almost two years ago to this day, in fact, I was on the Kentucky Bourbon Trail with the Distilled Spirits Council, and the last stop, right before, we had to get back to the airport, we went to Churchill Downs, and they had races going on that day, and I just fell in love with it right there, because I am, by nature, a gambling addict. Yes. Which, you know, I said, I really, I just love to gamble, which is why I'm glad I'm far away from gambling, and I believe that's when my mother-in-law said, what is it about Asians and gambling?
JVL00:06:16I said, what are you talking about? Fair question, though.
Vic00:06:19Is it a fair question? Fair question, though. Is it a fair question?
JVL00:06:21But the good news is, you also really have an addictive, addictive personality when it comes to drinking, and drinking and gambling go very well together. No, they don't at all. Hand and hand.
Vic00:06:29Honestly, I don't understand. And there I was, and there I was at the Derby. I'm sorry, Sonny, what were you going to say? What don't you understand?
Sonny00:06:34Well, I don't understand how you haven't either landed in prison or the trunk of a mobster's car yet.
Vic00:06:39Again, I am glad, I have friends, but I am glad that I am far away from Churchill Downs. And this happened with me once I got into college basketball as well. I just poured all my resources into that racing forum. You could just, you know, I'm reading that racing forum up and down.
JVL00:06:56Are you like the octopus picking the soccer games where you just, you know, take what comes on? Or do you have a system?
Vic00:07:03It's more of that, no, it's more the octopus, but the, you know, I'll look at how many years has the horse been around, and I'll look at if it's, you know, if it's won many races in the past or if it's new. And, of course, then I try to figure out if it should be win, place, or show. And, again, I just fell in love with racing when I was at Churchill Downs, and at the end of the day, after a lot of betting and drinking Woodford Reserve because we were at the Brown Foreman box, and that was at the finish line. It did not get better than that. And I know it's not going to ever get better than that, being at the finish line. And, by the way, there's a whole cafeteria level at Churchill Downs, and it's all old people, mostly ladies, eating and betting. And they're not, and they're just watching on TV, but it's very social. It's a very southern thing.
Sonny00:07:48Sounds like Vic's heaven. It was.
Vic00:07:50Yes. Yes. Now, I don't know why. Not with the older ladies.
JVL00:07:53Older people, no, no. Not with the old ladies, Sonny. Yes, that's right. No, obviously. Vic's heaven would be a little bit different.
Vic00:07:59But the, we'll get into that in a second. So, anyway, love that, and I finished the day at up $16. Look at that. Yeah, yeah. I was going to ask you guys, do you have favorite horse movies? And I'm not talking about, like, you know, Catherine the Great kind of horse movies. Okay, I'm not talking about my friend Peter Lowe, who saw a show in the border town of Nuevo Laredo. Not that. Breed apart.
Sonny00:08:21Not that. No? Anything? Black Stallion. Seabiscuit, I guess. I don't know.
Vic00:08:29Seabiscuit, yes.
Sonny00:08:30I don't know.
JVL00:08:31Are there any really good horse racing movies?
Sonny00:08:33There was that show Luck. National Velvet. So, there was a horse racing show, Luck, on HBO that was from David Milch and from Michael Mann. I was really looking forward to that. And they had to cancel that show midway through filming the second season because, like, three horses died while they were filming, which is very sad.
Vic00:08:49Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, anyway, we're just basically left. And to watch it at derby parties, like at Michael Caine's. Did you have a good time, Sonny?
Sonny00:08:56It was great. My favorite thing that happened at the party had nothing to do with horses, actually. Oh, what was that? I was hanging out in the children's room watching my daughter, you know. Did you guys have to take turns? And all of a sudden, Vic's son climbs into one of the toy chests and he puts the top on. He's like, I'm hiding. Nobody tell anyone where I am. So, I was like, okay. And then Vic's daughter went and sat on top of the lid, trapping him underneath it, and started banging on the lid. Like this. Saying, make him dead. Make him dead. This is a tomb. Make him dead. This is a tomb? She said that? She said, this is a tomb. Oh, this is lovely. And it was like something out of Lord of the Flies. I couldn't believe what was happening. It was like I could see the societal breakdown happening in moments right in front of our eyes. It was very terrifying. So, I'm glad I went to this party so I could see my future of savages running around murdering us all. That sounds, it's lovely.
Vic00:09:52Believe me, considering what else I've seen my children do, I'm sure it's fine.
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