#167. In a Van, Down By the East River
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This subscriber-only bonus, hosted by JVL solo with Mike Warren (Sonny is out, promised back next week), is a single extended shaggy-dog story rather than a review: Mike recounts, blow by blow, his marathon quest to buy a used Honda Odyssey minivan. He drives four and a half hours from Northern Virginia to Brooklyn chasing two leads in an "insane" seller's minivan market, first hitting a Volkswagen dealership on Flatbush Avenue where the van looks right but turns out to be missing its removable middle second-row seat (a dealbreaker, since Mike wants the "magic seat" captain's-chair configuration for his kids), so he walks out mid-haggle over the low-jack add-on. He heads to a second, Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge dealership where the correct van exists but the day spirals into an odyssey of its own — a porter delay stretching from 12:30 to 4:15, a slow finance department Mike jokes is shooting "Wolf of Wall Street," a last-minute insurance-date snag, a free consolation Burger King run, and finally, at 9 p.m., a malfunctioning sliding door that won't close via its automatic sensor, forcing him to close it manually and drive home anyway rather than sleep over. JVL peppers him throughout with comic interjections (mock suspense about whether the van "fell off the back of a truck," astonishment that Mike would take delivery of a car with a known malfunction, an offer to crash at his place) and closes the episode by recommending three practical minivan add-ons — a cargo net, WeatherTech floor mats, and Cover King neoprene seat covers — along with a tangent on how new-versus-used car pricing has shifted since the pandemic and the Obama-era "cash for clunkers" program. There is no movie discussed and no Vic-style Quadrant grading in this one; it's purely a comic recap of Mike joining "that Honda Odyssey life."
From the show notes
Mike's journey to Brooklyn to procure a minivan reaches its climactic conclusion.
Full transcript
JVL00:00:00Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Sub-Beacon bonus episode. I'm JBL here with Mike Warren. Sonny Bunch still out, but he will be back next week. I promise. This is the bonus only for subscribers. Mike, you made it back from Brooklyn with nobody in the trunk of your car? I'm Ron Burgundy.
Mike00:00:26Not that not that I've been able to tell. I haven't looked under all of the panels. But yes, no, no bodies. No. Did you buy a minivan? I got a minivan, baby. It's sitting in the driveway. Did it fall off the back of a truck? Did it? It did not. Was it Vincent or Sally who sold it to you? It was. Let me tell you, it's it was a journey. It was a journey getting up there. It was a journey getting through the day. I actually did it all in one day. But but about six hours total, my ass was sitting in a chair in a car dealership, which is worse than hell. Maybe I don't know. But OK, so let me give you the let me give you the because I was texting you during this process. But oh, yeah, at a certain at a certain point. But I don't know how it ended. So this is live. So, OK, so how this all starts is I know exactly what car I want to get exactly the year, the mileage range, the budget for it, the trim level of the of the van. It's a Honda Odyssey looking for a 2020. And thanks to the Internet, you can find pretty quickly. You can find out if a that's feasible and be where they are. The minivan market right now is insane. If you are a consumer, if you're a buyer, you have to cast a wide net. You have to be considering some pretty crazy things. At one point, JVL, I was seriously thinking about flying to Nevada so that I could get a car and drive it home over the course of several days.
JVL00:02:20You would have to be so cheap, though, to offset the cost of the plane ticket and the gas. Home and the mileage that you put onto the car, right? Because you got to figure out the depreciation at like, what is it? Fifty nine cents or sixty nine cents per mile.
Mike00:02:32Yeah, I had started to do that math and that's how desperate that's how desperate things were. It's just it's just bad out there. Minivans are very popular right now. So so when not one but two of these minivans that fit all those criteria show up in Brooklyn. Which, as you know, from my house in Northern Virginia is just a short four hour car ride, four and a half. Maybe I jumped at the opportunity. And so long story short, I head up there early in the morning last week, only having confirmed with one of them that they're actually going to have it ready there for me to look at and test drive. So I but I got the other I got the other dealership that's got another van. In my back pocket. So I go to the dealership. It's a very nice dealership in Brooklyn on Flatbush Avenue.
JVL00:03:33Oh, Flatbush Avenue.
Mike00:03:34Yes. And I walk in to take a look at the at the van, having a good rapport with the salesman, blah, blah, blah. Go out to look at the van. It's nice. It's white. Not my favorite color, but fine. It's got a small but noticeable scratch on the rear bumper. OK, I can live with that. Especially at this mileage. Especially at this price. I'm surprised they didn't buff that out.
JVL00:03:59I'm surprised they didn't buff that out.
Mike00:04:02Yeah. I mean, this is not a Honda dealership. This is a.
JVL00:04:05Oh, it's not a Honda dealership.
Mike00:04:07What is it? No, no, no, no, no. It was a Volkswagen dealership. That's that's how desperate. That's how desperate. So somebody just traded this.
JVL00:04:14Somebody just traded this in and they were turning it around. OK, do an inspection, do an interior detail and sell it. Gotcha.
Mike00:04:21Exactly. So let's jump in. Hey, let's take it. Let's take it for a test drive. I jump into the van. Everything's looking good. We'll need a little bit of detailing, but it's on the inside. But that's that's to be expected. I turn around and I can see that it's in the configuration that we are hoping to use. The Honda Odyssey, as you know, JVL has the third row and it has the magic seats. So it's got you can take out any of the three seats in the second row, slide the seats around. So this was already set for the for for how we would like it, which is the middle seat removed and the two seats on either side of the passenger driver's side of the second row positioned as captain's chairs so that the oldest one can go through the middle. We can have the car seats in the front two and and and then and me and the missus in the very front. So did they have the middle seat or was it gone? Well, you anticipated my first question. I said, oh, that's nice. I said, so where's the middle seat? And this salesman looks at me like like he knew I was going to ask, but he was hoping against hope that I wasn't going to ask. But he still knew I was going to ask. And he said, you know, it's not here. I said, what do you mean? It's not here. And he said that we can only deal with what what we're given. And that's that's all we have.
JVL00:05:48So how much is one of those OEM from Honda? Because you can buy one. You can just buy a seat. You can. What do they run you?
Mike00:05:54It was something I mean, he was looking this up for me at a certain point. It was something like less than a thousand dollars.
JVL00:06:06I was going to guess five hundred.
Mike00:06:08Yeah, something like five to eight hundred. No guarantee it'd be the same upholstery. And it's a 2020. So it'd be it was going to be a bit of a challenge. So he was. Unwilling to really come much down on the price until I started to say, well, there's another one down the street that I'm looking at. Then he starts haggling with me. I start haggling with him. And finally, he's not budging on a couple of other things, too. He's trying to get the low jack thing. You know, I'm like, I don't want the low jack. I don't want any of this stuff. I'm starting to get a little annoyed that he never mentioned the missing seat. So I called up the other place and I said, hey, I called the other day. I haven't really been able to reach anybody. You guys still have the 2020 Odyssey. What the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yes, we do. I said, great. I will be there in five minutes. So exactly. So I get to the other place. It's a Chrysler.
JVL00:07:06Well, how did you do the walkout? Did you how did you execute the walkout? Did you say, oh, you look at the other place and see, see what they got.
Mike00:07:14Maybe I'll be back. Exactly what I said. I said, I said, I'm, you know, the middle seats, a deal breaker like that. It's missing. It's a deal breaker. I mean. You know, if if you can come down a lot more on the price, maybe. But I know there's one over here that's probably got all the seats. So I'm going to be there. You know, I'll call you if I need to. I had the interesting experience of having the sales manager come over, shake my hand, say thanks for coming and then leaving right as right before I was going to leave. So I don't know if that was supposed to intimidate me. It was supposed to make me feel like they cared. About me as I was walking out the door. I don't know. So I go to the other place.
JVL00:07:57Did he try to keep you from getting out? Did he say, hold on, here's a special deal. But if you walk out that door, it won't be good when you come back. Did he do that?
Mike00:08:05No, but no, he didn't try any of that. But he kind of gave me this. There's nothing we can do to change your mind. I said, I just got to go check out this other one. That's fine. It was fine. It was fine. It was perfectly reasonable. So I go over to the other place. It's a Chrysler, Jeep, Dodge, whatever dealership. So, again, not another not Honda, but they've got a Honda. That's come in this place. Unlike the Volkswagen place, which is basically empty, this place is bustling. There are people all over their sales. There's maintenance there and repairs. There are customers everywhere. It's like it's like kind of insane. And I get I get paired with a salesman who says, all right, if you're interested in this car, we got to go get it. You know, we're at we're at inner city place. So, you know, we have a couple lots. It's around here, but it's in this lot. Our porters are all busy, the ones who go get the car. So I'll just run and go get it as I used to do this. I'll run and go get it. Just sit tight. I said, OK, fine. It's like twelve thirty in the afternoon. I'm sitting tight. I'm waiting. Have you eaten or are you waiting? Oh, I have not eaten.
JVL00:09:14I have not eaten, but I'm good. I'm solid. I'm solid. You ate it like six in the morning before you left Virginia. Something like that. Yeah.
Mike00:09:23He. Comes back in forty five minutes and he goes, all right, there's a problem. The car's the car's here, but it's not in that lot. There's something wrong with our system and it had it in that lot, but it's not in there. And in fact, it's in this other lot. The other lot is super far away and it's the kind of lot where they only do deliveries like from it, like twice a day sort of thing. So he's like, it's going to be here at three thirty. So I go, all right.
JVL00:09:59Take yourself to a diner. Did you go to a slice at the local Sparrow? I bet there's a Sparrow right down the street from there.
Mike00:10:08There's a deli. What I should have gotten was was gone there, but I didn't. I just sat tight. I had other things I was going to work on and take care of while I was there. Fine. This is easy. Three thirty rolls around. That's still not here. Four o'clock. It's it's on its way. I don't see the car until four fifteen. I've been here now since what? Forty five. So we get so we get in the car. I take it for a drive. It is better, way better mileage, slightly more money, but way better mileage, which is actually the most important thing for me because we want to hold on to this car for the next 10 or 12 years. Yes. Fine. It's great. It's got. Hey, you know what it has? It has all of the seats.
JVL00:10:51Fantastic.
Mike00:10:53Right. It there's a on the screen in the in the in the console in the front console. There's a scratch on the screen. Don't don't love that. There's some scratches on other places in the car. It's very clear that this previous owner had a dog and they just let it run wild. But that's fine. I'm not buying a new car. I'm buying a used car. I know what I'm getting into. I'm fine with that. I check that all the seats go down in the store. They're supposed to great. Everything's looking solid. I test the, you know, the automatic sliding doors, test the automatic trunk door. Everything's looking great. OK, awesome. Let's talk. Do a little haggling, a little finagling question, you know, on the finance, blah, blah, blah. But essentially, OK, finance is going to do your deal. They're going to build your deal now. Well, now it's like close to like five. Thirty like, OK, let's do it. Let's build this deal because I'm ready to buy this car. I don't know what's going on up there and finance department, but I'm standing around going, where's this deal? And they're like, there's still a wolf of Wall Street.
JVL00:12:09Right. Clearly, that's what it looks like up there.
Mike00:12:13Exactly. So I'm just waiting around and I'm like, what could possibly be going on here? They finally get the deal. And then it's just like one. One bad thing happens after another. Just little hurdles to get this thing done. So in New York, in New Jersey, you have to in order to let me drive off with it. My insurance has to be updated, obviously, but also my proof of insurance has to list today's date. Well, my insurance lists tomorrow's date, even though I'm covered for today. But only in fact, when I call them to say, can you please give me a proof of insurance with today's date? Because for some reason they need that. The lady goes, are you in New York or New Jersey? I'm like, yes. And then she's like, oh, yeah, they got to do that there. So, you know, so it's like she she knows everything. So it's like, OK, all right. So we've gotten through that hurdle. Melissa is like putting the baby down and is also Docu signing the things because she's she and I are going in on this together. Blah, blah, blah. OK, we get through that. And it's all right. Sounds like everything's good. Like, here's the thing. There's finishing up detailing your car right now. I'm like, what the fuck have they been doing for the past several hours? Because now we're we're pushing up against eight o'clock. And so they got to detail it still. And they got to finish the detail. So I'm waiting around and I'm starving at this point. I've not eaten at all. And finally, they're like, hey, we're going across the street to get Burger King. Do you do? We'll get it for. I'm like, yes, that's the literally the least you can do.
JVL00:13:51Throw in the burger cow for free. For free. I drive a hard bargain.
Mike00:13:55And I want onion rings, too.
JVL00:13:57I don't even like Burger King. You bring back fries. I walk out of this dealership.
Mike00:14:03I couldn't tell if I was more miserable or my salesman. But so all of this is happening. It's taking it's just taking forever. But finally, finally, they bring the car around. Everybody else is cleared out. There are no more customers. They're all just wondering what I'm doing there. They bring the car. They bring the car around. I are. All right. This is great. I noticed that the driver's side sliding door is open. So I go to close it. I get the three beeps. Beep, beep, beep.
JVL00:14:35What? I've never gotten those beeps. What does that mean? It doesn't. It doesn't close.
Mike00:14:41Hmm. I can't figure this out. I got a guy there trying to. I literally opened and closed this door earlier in the day. I know it works, but it ain't working. Is this a. Honda dealership? No, this is no, this is a Chrysler. Okay. So, so they don't know what to do. I cannot close this for the life of me. I'm like, I don't, how am I going to leave? It is nine o'clock. I am trying to get home tonight. I'm going to get home in the middle of the night anyway.
JVL00:15:08You should have just come over to my place. I know, I know. Slept and gone back in the next morning to deal with it.
Mike00:15:13I know I should have, but I was just done. I was so over. I was just, it was, it was a nightmare. So finally I turned off the automatic. I manually close it. And I'm like, I've got to get out of here. Like, I will just deal with this back in Virginia. Like I cannot.
JVL00:15:29Yes. You accepted the expense and took delivery of a car that had a malfunction.
Mike00:15:35But here's the thing. Here's what I could. So I'm doing research while they're looking at this up. Oh, Michael. I, no, no, no. I believe that. I believe that literally there is like a, there is a sensor that is, that just needs to be cleaned. That they like, that they don't know how to reach. Um, they said, bring it back up here and we'll fix it. But I'm not going to Brooklyn anytime soon anyway. Um, and so I got home and it's all fine. It, it, it works. The door, um, still needs to be fixed, but it works sometimes. It doesn't work other times. I think it's actually a pretty simple, um, situation that I'm going to get fixed. But, but now, now I have my van. Everybody's happy. The kids love it. The wife loves it. Um, so, so there we are. It was, I went to hell and back JVL. I went to hell and back and hell is, it looks like a flatbush Brooklyn.
JVL00:16:28So I really hope that you can fix this for under $300.
Mike00:16:33Oh, I think I can. I absolutely think I can.
JVL00:16:36Oh, I absolutely think I can. I, I gotta tell you, I, I admire your moxie because had it been me, there is no way I would have taken delivery of that. Absolutely. I would have said, you know what, guys, I'm going to go. Uh, go to a hotel. I'll catch you in the morning. And when you guys, when you guys have figured this out, you give me a call and I will come over and take delivery. I should, I'm not signing the final piece of paperwork on this. I'll be over at the holiday and express. Now, I wouldn't have actually done that because I, I would have just come over here or I would have gone to a friend. So I would not, you know, I wouldn't have been packed for an overnight. I would have had my proper pillow and my contact lens solution and all that. Exactly. But I, I would not. I would not have taken delivery because that's, that's crazy. Well, I hope you, I hope you enjoy the, the, the joys of the minivan life are, are plentiful.
Mike00:17:33It's great. No, I love it. I love being able to fit the whole family in there and not like squeezing my, uh, you know, my car seat in to a tiny little vehicle. So no, it's, it's all good. It's just, uh, it's the process of getting there. And even still, I'm still like in, in it a little bit. Like it was just. Miserable. And it like, I might have to be joining you in that, in that, uh, in that, get a new car, uh, uh, that, that, that might be the next step, but we're not getting another car for a while.
JVL00:18:03So, yeah, I, I mean, so to be clear, I only recently started buying new cars and it was because at the moment that I bought each of these two new cars, uh, the used pricing had converged right on, on the new pricing, uh, in terms of the discount. Right. So. The discount for miles that you got had made it so that in both, in both cases, uh, it was basically a wash. Um, and so I, you know, cause it used to be that like, oh, you take so much depreciation when you drive it off the lot. Right. You know, you lose $4,000 the minute you drive it off the lot. And that has basically stopped being true. Uh, or at least it was, had stopped being true by the time I, I bought ours.
Mike00:18:46It started, it started to shift back to that, you know, return to that normal. Uh. State, but not quite. Um. Yeah. So.
JVL00:18:55And, and plus we had like weird market distortions, like when Obama did the cash for clunkers thing. Right. Which, which changed the used car market wildly and made new cars more expensive, I think. And, uh, anyway. Yeah. And then the pandemic screwed everything up in the other direction. So. That's right. Yeah. These things change. So, uh, I hope you drive your odyssey in good health. I hope your children love it. Uh, if I may recommend three add-on items for it.
Mike00:19:28Please.
JVL00:19:29First, cargo net.
Mike00:19:31Okay.
JVL00:19:32Uh, the cargo net goes in the, the trunk. Yep. And it allows you to, do you, do you know what that is? Right. So it's, it's a little elastic net that will, when you start loading up gear to like make trips to the ATL or wherever, uh, that will keep stuff from falling out when you stop at Duncan. Donuts to like take the big one in for the bathroom. But then you realize somebody needs, needs their stuffy and the stuffy is midway through the packet cargo net for like 30 bucks. Uh, hugely helpful. Uh, item number two, the weather tech floor mats, which are, which are custom made for the, for whatever the year make and model of your car is. And they are solid pieces of plastic in there. Essentially. They're not really mass. So much as they are trays. And so they have a lip that goes up like three inches on every side. So you could spill like, you know, a two liter bottle of soda and it's not escaping them. They're holding onto them with kids. That will be a lifesaver. They're incredibly easy to clean out. You just vacuum them up or take them out and hose them off. Uh, fantastic. And in fact, I have brand new car mats for our Honda Odyssey that have never been used. And I just like. You know, they're sitting in a box somewhere because I put the weather tech things on and they're awesome.
Mike00:20:56Awesome.
JVL00:20:57And the third thing, do you have leather seats or, uh, cloth seats?
Mike00:21:02Leather.
JVL00:21:03Okay. Cover King is the company and they make, uh, seat covers. I recommend the more expensive ones, which are made of neoprene, like wetsuit material. The truth is you don't need them for the two front seats because the two front seats are. Are going to be occupied by adults who do not have trouble, like not spilling chocolate milk all over themselves.
Mike00:21:28That's what you think.
JVL00:21:28But yes. But for the, the back two rows, the amount of not give a fuck that you will have that your children spilling things in the car will go. It is just for your own peace of mind. Right. Knowing that you will never, ever get angry about somebody spilling something in the car is worth every penny.
Mike00:21:49All right. There. Well, thank you. No, that's. The cover came. Cover came.
JVL00:21:53The neoprene. And they, they, again, they're custom made for, you know, your year, make and model. They fit like a glove and they're not cheap, but they're worth it there.
Mike00:22:05All right. Well, thank you, JVL. I appreciate it. And you know, you, you've, you've you're bringing me into the, that, that Odyssey life, you know, that, that Benny van life. I appreciate it.
JVL00:22:16Yeah, sure. It's fine.
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