#165. Stones and Used Cars
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This short "grab bag" bonus episode skips movies entirely in favor of two personal sagas. JVL leads with a graphic, profanity-laced account of his kidney stone attack: waking at midnight mid-snowstorm in what he calls the worst pain of his life, spending eight hours in the ER, and having to browbeat a doctor into writing (rather than actually recommending) an opioid script instead of just "try ibuprofen" — capped by a follow-up appointment where he learns two more stones are still lurking, with his doctor offering only a shrug and "wait and see." Mike and Sonny needle him with mock-medical questions, including whether it hurt worse than his wife Shannon's four childbirths (JVL cites one data point from a colleague suggesting stones are worse, while declining to fully litigate the comparison). The back half turns to Mike's saga of buying a used Honda Odyssey minivan for his family of three kids, a hunt so competitive he ends up driving to a dealership in Brooklyn — practically JVL's backyard — for the best price on the East Coast, with a suspiciously cheap Paterson, New Jersey listing rejected as sketchy after a Google Street View check. JVL and Sonny riff at length on Mike's road trip sounding like a mob rendezvous (cousin Carlo, the Vince Lombardi rest stop, disposing of body parts on the Turnpike, needing Steven Gutowski to hook him up with firearms), while also nerding out over the Odyssey's "magic" sliding second-row captain's chairs as a genuine feat of engineering. It's a loose, chatty non-review episode built entirely on the opening-segment banter that usually just kicks off a normal show.
From the show notes
Grab bag bonus fun.
Full transcript
Mike00:00:00Welcome to the bonus episode of the Sub-Beacon podcast. I'm your co-host, Mike Warren. With me, of course, are Jonathan V Last and Sonny Bunch. JVL, what's going on? You teased us in the regular episode. What's happening?
JVL00:00:25Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it in the show that goes out to everybody. So I have kidney stones, as it turns out. And this became apparent for me a week ago at midnight when I woke up with what I first thought was a back cramp. And then very quickly figured out, I would say, even though I did not get into medical school, it only took me about 20 minutes to diagnose what was going on. And it was like, I don't want to oversell it. But it was the most. Unbearable pain I've ever felt in my life, and we had a snowstorm going on. Otherwise, I would have driven myself to a hospital emergency room in the middle of the night, damn near called an ambulance a few times. It was and I can't even express how much it hurt. And so I went up in the hospital the next the next day and was there for, you know, they kicked me out after like, I don't know, eight hours or so with. With. With which I will say this is one of the things that drives me crazy. I had to basically browbeat the doctor to give me real pain medication. Oh, yeah, they're there, but they don't want to just hand it out to any any junkie and I, you know, as somebody who did not get into medical school, I, you know, I, I am fairly respectful of doctors and I understand, you know, it's I understand all the things about the profession. But as this doc is discharging me and is. Is saying to me, yeah, you know, and it'll probably pass in, you know, I said, I said, OK, so when when will it pass and give me a timeline and just like, you know, could be 30 minutes, could be three days. It's like, what the fuck? Three more days of this. Like, I'm not, you know, like I am not exaggerating when I said I was getting through like five minute blocks at a time. Right. And anyway, I was like, so what am I going to do for pain management? She goes, yeah, ibuprofen is probably fine. You could probably get through it with ibuprofen. And I said, I'm sorry, there is nothing from the opioid family that you could write me a script for. And she's like, well, I don't really like to give that out. I was like, this is the fucking time, sweetheart, this is the time I am dying. And and so she eventually was like, well, you know what, I'll write you the prescription, but don't fill it. Not unless you really need to. And if you really need to. If you really need to, then you can go fill it. And so I said, OK, thank you very much. I went right to the fucking pharmacy and filled that shit up.
Sonny00:03:04Did you immediately fill it?
JVL00:03:06It was like, oh, yeah, that's right. I should wait till 10:00 p.m. tonight when I do not have access to any pharmacy to fill this. It's only like eight pills. It's not like she was giving me 500 tablets of, you know, Percocet or something that I could go and sell on the black market. It's it. I don't. Don't understand this is it is easier to buy an AR-15 in America than it is to get a prescription for pain medication or to get fucking antibiotics. Right. You are sick and you with antibiotics, you walk in the pediatrician, those pediatricians are going to make you jump through like 80 different hoops before they write your kid a script for, you know, whatever the garden lowest level of the pink medicine that tastes like cotton candy is. And anyway, it's great. Don't. Don't ever get kidney stones. And I was at the follow up appointment with my doc today and he informed me. Yeah, you got two more in there. Oh, I said, excuse me. Excuse me. What? Yeah. Yeah. Two more. I said, so what? What's the plane of action here, doc? And he goes, yeah, I don't really know. Just wait and see. Let nature take its course. So I said, so does that mean that I'm going to be back in a hospital emergency room dying at some point? In the indeterminate future? And he goes, I mean, maybe. It's a rule of thirds. Like, you know, a third of them just sort of keep growing and third and then cause problems. A third of them sort of pass without you even knowing. And a third of them just sort of like sit where they are and never, never change.
Mike00:04:42Is there some kind of. That's the advice. And I didn't get into medical school.
JVL00:04:47Are you fucking kidding me?
Mike00:04:49I'm sorry. Is there. Two questions, JVL. Did the. Did the pain meds. Did the pain meds work?
JVL00:04:57The pain meds. The pain meds were. Made it bearable. OK. Pain meds did not take the pain away. But the pain meds, you know, on the pain scale, the pain scale took me from like a 10 to like a 4 slash 5, a 4.5, which is like you can bite down on a stick and manage it.
Mike00:05:18Right.
JVL00:05:18It's not, you know, you don't feel great. You don't feel great, but you don't feel as though you're you're dying. Right. When what this felt like is somebody jabbing you in the back with a shiv over and over while somebody else kicks you in the balls over and over. Just remember those two things happening. At the same time for like 18 hours on end.
Mike00:05:44I'm sorry.
JVL00:05:45Am I too hot on this? No, no, no.
Mike00:05:46I don't mean to be. My second question. Did you did you make sure to emphasize that this is probably the most pain either of you have felt to Shannon? Who gave who gave birth to four kids? I'm just it was there a discussion that this hurt more than childbirth.
JVL00:06:01So I will simply say that I have a colleague who is a woman who has had kidney stones. Oh, that's right. I had two two children in the natural way. And she told me that her experience is that the kidney stones were much worse. So, look, everybody has their own experiences. I'm not saying. Who's is better or worse or higher or lower or anything like that. I'm just reporting on that one data point, but I will say it fucking was bad.
Mike00:06:33And, uh, but you haven't, have you, have you passed the one?
JVL00:06:39No, this is, this is a complicated, we won't go any further than this. Because passing is a two stage answer, right? There is a, you pass it and then you pass it. And, and it's, uh, it's unclear where exactly the stone is, right? Right now, uh, Mike, let's buy you a car.
Mike00:06:59Well, we are in the process right now of doing it. So, yes. So we, so I think Sonny, you were like bored out of your gourd over the texts back and forth between JVL and I yesterday about, about the Honda odyssey, but it's.
Sonny00:07:12Well, no, I just, I just didn't have anything that I didn't have anything to add because I don't drive a minivan.
Mike00:07:17Right. Well, we, we, I think never thought we would be a minivan family until we had. We had three kids and I was always like on board with the minivan. Um, and it, it took a day yesterday driving around. Uh, we actually went to two different car maxes to test drive various options in terms of the, uh, the three row SUVs, the big three row SUVs and, uh, the minivan and like the odyssey, the Honda odyssey, uh, one out, I mean, it was just like, no, there was no question. Um, yeah, the, the versatility. With the, with the second row, you can take out the middle seat in the second row. So you've got essentially captain's chairs. They, they, they now have, I don't know if this is on your odyssey JVL, but they've got that magic, uh, slide, uh, uh, track.
JVL00:08:10You can just figure that middle row where the captain's chairs can push together. If you take the middle out or you leave the middle in, but fold it down and it becomes an armrest cup holder, it's as, as a piece of engineering, it's really. Well executed. Oh,
Mike00:08:24I, I spoke to Sigrid after I saw that. I was like, this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. So we're getting it. The problem is minivans are, uh, extremely popular right now. Uh, hard to find the right one with the right trim. Uh, so if all goes well, uh, right after we record this, I'm going to be talking on the phone, uh, with a dealership, uh, up in New York, uh, to get what is by far the best deal I've been able to find on the East coast. I'll be going to New York tomorrow. Uh, hopefully to trade in the old car, get the minivan. Uh, I'll be tearing through your, your, uh, neck of the woods JVL.
JVL00:09:04Where in New York are you going? It's in Brooklyn. What town are you going to?
Mike00:09:07Brooklyn. Just a little town.
JVL00:09:09Like stop over.
Mike00:09:11I very well may stop over, man. I very well may. I've got to say, I've got to make sure, you know, the deal is good. Exactly.
JVL00:09:21So that amazes me that Brooklyn is where you're getting a good price. It's it's weird.
Sonny00:09:25I have a question. Yes. I have a question. Are you going to be murdered? Are you buying this? Are you buying this from a, from a criminal syndicate? Like, are you buying this from a, it's a, oh, we just, uh, we got this. You know, but I will say, I will say this, I will say this. I found silly putty in the bullet holes.
Mike00:09:50I found this deal. And I was like, wow, this is the best deal on a hot, honestly, that fits all of our, our things. And then I found one that was like, these are all used. Um, I found one that was like a thousand dollars cheaper and no, no, I'm sorry. I should find that was like $4,000 cheaper. And I was like, it was like same mileage and everything. I was like, Ooh, let me take a look at this. The one I, the, uh, that we're going with was like, is like at an actual dealership, you know, it's like an actual place that, that, that, you know, advertises it's, you know, uh, you know, certified pre-owned on a certified pre-owned that kind of place. Yeah. Um, the, the place that was like $4,000 less was literally it's in Patterson, New Jersey. And it's like, it has like the, the, the red flags hanging out. And I looked at it on Google street view and it was like rough neighborhood doesn't even begin to describe what this was. So, uh, we're, uh, we're going to Brooklyn.
JVL00:10:47And that's it. Well, I am right around the corner, buddy.
Mike00:10:50Well, we'll see you there. Maybe next week we'll have a great story to tell about. Uh, the, the great reunion of, uh, of Mike and JVL in person. I'll take you for a slice.
Sonny00:11:00So you're driving, you're driving your car up there to trade in.
Mike00:11:04Correct.
Sonny00:11:04You're going to drive your car up there and drive. Okay.
Mike00:11:06Yeah. Does that work for you, Sonny? Okay.
Sonny00:11:11I mean, I, there's, there are a lot of, I have a lot of questions about this, uh, mobster that you're traveling to New York to buy a minivan from, but I mean, are you sure, do you have to transport some bags you just got to, you got it.
JVL00:11:24Yo, he's just got to take these things down to his cousin, Carlo. You know, we're going to need to, you just got to let, you just got to let
Sonny00:11:32Jimmy here, sit in the back seat. You let him off. You get off at the, at the, the metal lands you get off at what's one of the, you get off at the Vince Lombardi stop. He's going to go in the bathroom for three minutes. He's going to come right back out. And then you go, you go on your way. It's fine.
Mike00:11:52Yep.
Sonny00:11:52Get your five grand right off.
Mike00:11:54We're going to have to stop this recording. I mean, like, uh, confiscate all of your, I mean, we we've already gone too far. That's all. That's all I can say about what, what I'm doing on that drive between here.
Sonny00:12:04And how many body parts are you chucking out the window as you drive down the. Drive down the New Jersey turnpike. Here's what I'll say. Just discarding. Here's what I'll say.
JVL00:12:15Save, you know, the New York Metro area is the cheapest place to buy cars.
Sonny00:12:20Say, yeah, I don't like, don't people like usually drive back and forth? Drive down to Virginia to save on, you know, there are no, there are no vans.
Mike00:12:28Florida is the other option, but there are no, there are no vans. It's it's extreme. Trust me. I've been knee deep in this for 48 hours. Uh, this is the car. This is the one I'm going with. Don't argue with me. Uh, and, uh, look, I'll, I'm not arguing with you.
Sonny00:12:43I'm glad that you've been able to find a semi legal, uh, reauthorized dealer to, you
Mike00:12:50know, look, let's, let's save it for next week's show. Let's save it for next week's show. I will, I will, I will, I will tell all of my, uh, if I'm not, I, um, I don't know
Sonny00:13:01if, do you know, Steven Gutowski, if you need to get some personal protection, um, on your, uh, on your way up there, uh, he can, he's, he, he knows some guys who can, uh, you know, probably hook you up with, uh, firearms, bullets, uh, whatever, whatever you might need.
Mike00:13:19I'm sure it's fine.
?00:13:23We'll see you next time.
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