#60. 'Eternals'
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The gang tackles Chloe Zhao's Eternals, and all three land in roughly the same place: it's a mess. Sonny gives it the most credit in theory, calling it "Marvel's first DCEU movie" for its interest in gods, free will, and humanity's failings, but says the script (bizarrely credited to three separate writing entities, with Zhao herself getting two credits) is an "absolute disaster" that can't decide what any character's powers actually are from scene to scene. JVL agrees the whole production is a failure "from set design to costuming to casting," singling out Salma Hayek as badly miscast and Kumail Nanjiani as "just doing Stuber," and needles Sonny about how badly Eternals trounced Dune at the box office. Vic scores it brutally on the Quadrant system — an F on plot, an F on duration (he compares the 157-minute runtime unfavorably to games of Civilization), an F on action/violence for incoherent, uninspired CGI fights, with the film's lone bright spot being a B on sex/nudity thanks to the MCU's first actual on-screen sex scene and gay kiss. Along the way they dissect the movie's disappearing characters (Kingo vanishes before the climax for no in-story reason), its confused "conquistador" politics, and its baffling Harry Styles and Mahershala Ali (as Blade) post-credits stingers that landed to dead silence in their theaters. The episode opens with the usual long banter stretch: JVL's newfound sleep apnea and mouth-guard experiments (with much ribbing about CPAP machines being "a chastity belt"), Sonny's beer-buying logistics for his son Charlie's birthday party (Coors Light vs. Stella Artois), and Vic's confession that he snuck into an empty Venom: Let There Be Carnage screening mid-review, which the other two needle him over as theft from Sony. They close by thanking German listener Matthias for a whiskey/rum/gin gift set and marveling over an Arby's-curly-fry-flavored vodka.
From the show notes
On this week's episode the gang tackles Marvel's first bad movie! Well, first bad MCU movie. Let's not forget about Elektra .
Full transcript
Guest00:00:00We're Eternals. We came here 7,000 years ago to protect humans from the Deviants. Why didn't you guys help fight Thanos or any war or all the other terrible things throughout history? we were instructed not to interfere in any human conflicts unless deviants are involved by who we need to find the others
Vic00:00:55hello and welcome to another edition of the sub beacon i'm victor mattis along with jonathan v last at the study bunch just a reminder the sub beacon is now available through patreon go to subbeacon.com you'll easily find us please subscribe tell your friends and don't forget about the sub beacon merchandise store at tpublic.com the holidays are just around the corner gentlemen
JVL00:01:17how are we jvl what's going on buddy are you uh i'm looking at the way you're holding that script at arm's length yeah i can't see anymore are you looking through the bottom of your bifocals my yes as you know i wear what was called progressive trifocals my no they're progressive
Vic00:01:34lenses and so i have to go like this you can see my nostrils here and then and then i have to go like this to it and you're holding that thing way out in front of you the way they design the the way they first of all this is very disorienting to be to be so far away from the microphone Having been trained in the trained in the old school of eat the mic as do you remember that eat the mic?
Sonny00:01:55Yeah, yeah, I do because that was a different that was a different time with a different set up and Now to be fair to be fair. I think you're a little far away from you. You can get a little bit closer Forgetting Sam Marshall, right? I'm just telling you. I'm just telling you you you start the show and it's like i can't understand i like i don't understand what the what the issue is you know it's like if i do
Vic00:02:26like the uh uh speakerphone like for the car if i'm talking to somebody on the car and my daughter is there she'll tell me why are you yelling you don't have to yell at the car they can hear but i'm not convinced you just gotta talk man i'm skeptical i'm just gonna talk like a normal person i'm skeptical and anyway uh the alternative is of course if you got contact lenses but if you need both far and near then one eye is for far sighted the other is near sighted and there's a little bit of disorientation there that's crazy i'm not ready for that and i'm not doing surgery jv once you're in the home once you're in the home then you'll be ready for that i could just
JVL00:03:05have different pairs of glasses that's great uh what do i got what do i got uh you know having having some medical issues oh boy some medical issues this is uh i i'm really snoring a lot
Vic00:03:18and it's become like are you aware of your own snoring or is this something that she tells you
JVL00:03:26she tells me but i i have been maybe kind of waking myself up with the sort of gasping
Vic00:03:36i've had that a couple times but not a lot only on rare occasions uh
JVL00:03:43are you do you think you might have sleep apnea i mean i think probably i i was one-eighth of the way to being a doctor uh and i think it's probably a combination of getting older which causes some uh some you know you lose muscle tissue in the back of the throat and uh and being fat again as I've gotten crazy fat.
Vic00:04:07I mean, that's one of the symptoms. What about the Peloton?
JVL00:04:10The Peloton is great, but it has not kept me from being crazy fat.
Sonny00:04:17You've slipped out of the Peloton?
JVL00:04:19No, I'm on the Peloton, but still very fat.
Sonny00:04:22What's the group trailing the Peloton?
Vic00:04:26The chase group, right? Have you resorted to hanging clothes on the Peloton?
JVL00:04:33So I went and I got myself an over-the-counter mouth guard, which is supposed to move the lower jaw out a millimeter and thus create a better airway and reduce snoring. And so I'm experimenting with that. I'm on night two. I don't know. I've got to be honest. I feel very weird about the whole thing. I don't like it. It's a natural, weird and unnatural.
Vic00:05:08And I basically feel bad enough.
JVL00:05:11I basically feel like I am one foot in the grave here. It's not great. It's not great.
Vic00:05:17I would say, you know, you know, when it's both feet in the grave, you're going to be dead soon. You know what? It's both feet is when you just give it and you get the machine. The one that you see. I won't do this.
JVL00:05:26I will die before I get a CPAP machine. I'm sorry. I just will.
Vic00:05:31It's like wearing a jockstrap on your head.
JVL00:05:34No, it's like wearing a chastity belt on your face is what it is.
Sonny00:05:37It's like wearing a face hugger from the Alien movie.
JVL00:05:40A CPAP is a guarantee that you never have sex ever again. That's what a CPAP machine is. It is functionally a chastity belt.
Sonny00:05:48Save that for the bonus show.
Vic00:05:50That's right. You know, in The Sopranos, Uncle Junior has to wear one and Tony sees him and he goes, Hey, how many Migs did you shoot down?
JVL00:05:56But I will say this, what would I, the reason I've been so hurt by this, like in, in a spiritual and deep soulful sense is that for, for so many years, sleep has been one of my superpowers. I have, I think you guys know this about me. Maybe you don't. I have perfectly controlled narcolepsy. i have the ability to fall asleep anywhere anytime in any position or circumstance day or night uh whether i am sitting i i i was so finely tuned that when i did crew in college i would catch an extra 10 minutes of sleep on the boat while we were warming up because you want when you're on and eight and you're warming up you warm up the front four and then the back four and so while the back four was warming up i'm sitting up in the front four on top of my oar and i would just
Vic00:06:58go the fuck to sleep you wouldn't like tip over into the water nope nope i would just be like okay time to get a couple more minutes to sleep he has a question he's raising his pencil and so
JVL00:07:09this is like kryptonite this is this is like having my superpowers leeching out of me and
Vic00:07:15having my body betray me and i don't like it i don't like it at all that's that's disconcerting um and also the gasping for air thing is a scary thing uh i've had that on the on the few times that it happened to me kate is uh she's terrible about being awake so that you know she she'll sleep through it and i figure one day i'll just be dead she's like i have no idea what happened as i was gasping for air asking for her help you just wake up dream anyway you just wake you just
Sonny00:07:45wake up like dream is going to sleep anyhow yeah i i don't understand what the issue is here you just when when this happens you just like you like you just like jerk awake i mean i don't like no that is what are you afraid of actually dying like not being no no no no i'm not afraid of
JVL00:08:01actually that's not how it works it is it is a i think that my o2 levels during the evening are below 90 are below what they should be which is why i'm having bad sleep what's freaking me out is the betrayal of my my superpower sunny that's that's freaking me out there is a solution yeah
Vic00:08:20just just have to drop some more weight i guess right that's a solution i don't even know i think
JVL00:08:25it's everything everything it's all everything is catching up with me you're gonna have a machine
Vic00:08:30it's your body spiting you you're gonna have like the machines the bedside machines that's
JVL00:08:37gonna happen i feel like i'm i'm the old old man p post the weight in uh in inception you know in the beds with all the machines that's fine that's all sunny what's up buddy what's going on sunny
Sonny00:08:52i uh so uh it was uh it was our youngest birthday this this uh this weekend charlie's his birthday and uh we we had a party for him but the big question didn't have anything to do with getting the bounce house or you know party favors cupcakes whatever it was how much alcohol do we buy for the parents that was my that was the thing i was focused on your responsibility yeah we because we had you know there were going to be 15 to 20 parents there oh you gotta titrate this just right
JVL00:09:25because too little and parents are cranky but too much and the parents think exactly exactly that's
Vic00:09:32how it is in their family oh i'm gonna bash by that i don't care what you see in my bar is what you get yeah i mean you don't like it don't come back i wasn't i wasn't super worried about that
Sonny00:09:41but it was just like it's a function of like i have excuse me i have a certain amount of space in my uh in my like fridge we have a cooler um and the problem the problem was that the uh the the selection at target when i went to target to buy beer because that's you know where where else would i go to buy beer uh they had they had a bunch of stuff in the freezer or in the cooler area in the refrigerated area but i didn't want it all in my fridge right away so i wanted so all they had was like i could get either a 12 pack of stella artois bottles or i could get a 24 pack of Coors Light cans. So I got both, obviously. And I now have 36 beers for like probably 15 adults that are coming, maybe 20 adults. And I'm like, all right, this is clearly enough. This is clearly enough. But now I have to like, I have to get them cold. So now I put them all in the, I put as many as I can in the cooler. I put the rest in the fridge and the adults come over and they have like four beers.
JVL00:10:45It's not having us over. It's not having me over.
Sonny00:10:48So I now have, I am going to be drinking Coors Light through this entire show. I've already had a couple. That's good. Maybe you can tell. I have some water. But I'm going to be drinking Coors Light, and occasionally you will hear me open one on this show. Oh. Because I got, I have a lot of Coors Lights to go through. I got a lot of Stellas to go through. The nice thing is they've been in the cooler this whole time. Nice and chilly. And we're taping this on a Tuesday. The party was on Saturday. So they've been in the cooler this whole time. The water is still, it's chilled.
Vic00:11:23I wouldn't say it's, it's not frozen. You're at that stage there where it's water in the cooler.
Sonny00:11:27It's all water. There's no ice left, but it's still very cold water. It's not warm. Yeah. I'm drinking, you know, the mountains, the mountains aren't, the Rockies aren't that blue.
JVL00:11:39I was going to ask, are these in a Zartan can?
Sonny00:11:42They're in the, so this one's been over, let me get one out of.
JVL00:11:46I don't know what that means.
Sonny00:11:49I do. There's still a little blue. They're a little blue.
JVL00:11:55I have never in my life had a Coors or a Coors Light.
Sonny00:12:02Wow. That's crazy. That doesn't... I mean, look. I know how much you hate America, so that doesn't shock
JVL00:12:09me. I do hate America.
Sonny00:12:11But you're missing out. You're really missing out because Coors Light is the king of light American lagers. I would say it's Coors Light, then Miller Light, then Bud Light as a distant third, and then like Natural Light, Milwaukee's best light.
JVL00:12:26I would put any mass-produced American beer.
Vic00:12:30A Bud Light's a little gassy.
JVL00:12:32I think there's not any mass-produced American beer
Sonny00:12:34One of our listeners said he went to the store and he found a 12-pack, a variety pack of Shuffer Huffer, not just grapefruit, but other- Pomegranate?
Vic00:12:43Like a giant fruit basket. The pomegranate's very nice. Let me go look. The thing about Coors Light is, surprisingly, it's just an easy sipping. Just, you know what? You want to throw one back. If it's cold, it's nice and crisp. It's easy. Yeah. I was not a Coors Light person, but my father-in-law is. He's sort of old school. He used to get St. Pauly and Becks, you know? Oh, yeah. Oh, Becks, you're going crazy now. You're getting an import. Well, those are, I mean, that's like fancy. An import.
Sonny00:13:11That's like getting Heineken Plus. It was Jeffrey, Jeffrey Greek. Shout out to Jeffrey. He said he was in his friendly neighborhood Publix tonight and stumbled across a Schuffer Huffer variety pack containing pomegranate and passion fruit varieties.
JVL00:13:25Oh, I've never seen the passion fruit.
Sonny00:13:27Passion fruit. Would you drink a passion fruit Schuffer Huffer?
JVL00:13:30I mean, I'd try it. I'm not going to lie. Have you had the pomegranate? I'm not too good for that. I have had the pomegranate. It's delicious. Victorino, you all right there, buddy? I am.
Vic00:13:41Are you okay? I'm fine. uh i uneventful um the only thing i really want to talk about is how it's funny how much we've gone through a couple movies where we've liked all three of us like the movie all three of us like the movie and then all three of us hate a movie that's usually one of us is in disagreement with the two others and this is one where i really honestly the movie we're going to talk about today i did not want to see it and i feel bad about a movie we skipped you don't movie i'm thinking about venom 2 uh which i you would have liked venom 2 much more than this i i think so too based on the few minutes i saw you know during the trailers before i went to see venom
Sonny00:14:24venom let there be carnage yes much more vix first of all number it would gotten an a on the length quadrant because it's like 85 oh my gosh yeah yeah no uh that's that's how i felt uh when i
Vic00:14:37was walking to see our movie point five eternals did you uh when you were walking to see eternals
Sonny00:14:44yeah we'll get to eternals in a second but was it like was it like uh a march down the hall of a prison cell did you feel like you were in chains and shuffling that i had to go there yeah but
Vic00:14:57but again the execution briefly and and i briefly went into another theater to watch a little bit
Sonny00:15:04of venom you son of a bitch you son of you you thieving son of a bitch all right here's stealing
Vic00:15:11stealing did you really do that i did it just because i wanted to tell sonny that i did it just to see his reaction now here's the thing nobody this is at amc courthouse nobody was in the theater right nobody was in that theater watching it so how does this work in the Eternals Theater? No, no, I wish. No, at Venom 2, right?
Sonny00:15:34So you poked your head into Venom 2. It is, it is.
Vic00:15:37I did. I walked in for a little bit. I looked inside. There was nobody in theater. It's one of these things where if they have a time slot and they are required to play it, even if there's nobody there, they have to play it.
Sonny00:15:49I've often wondered about this myself because I don't know what the actual answer is. I think if you... It's like a tree in a forest if it falls. I actually don't. I actually don't. Maybe somebody who works in a theater can, can, uh, tell us about this. I, I think that I, I would guess my guess is that whatever contract they have with the studios, um, with Marvel or whoever else requires that they play it regardless of the number of people who are in the theater. I would guess. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't know for sure. I don't know a hundred percent on that yeah um but uh but i mean like it i was i will say that like so my local alamo draft house has stopped showing movies on mondays and tuesday nights which is a bad sign which is a bad sign because it means it means that like nobody's going to see movies on mondays and tuesdays and those are you know those those those days are so poorly attended that they just shut it down
JVL00:16:46entirely rather than have them that's too bad i went to a monday showing and packed is not the word but i would say there were a lot of people in there and it was at the big show it was on their big dolby screen which is the largest auditorium tons and tons of people yeah yeah i
Sonny00:17:03think i mean i i don't understand why it's i feel like there would probably be enough people to go see a movie like uh eternals which is a big marvel movie i and i don't know how long venom is still
Vic00:17:14going to be around it's been around for a while now uh so it's been it's been there you know what surprise me uh michelle williams isn't that her name phillips williams michelle williams yeah uh she she seemed much more uh less robotic than in the first movie i thought that was you remember i was making i used to make fun of her the last movie that she was like oh boy like robotic but this one did look more interesting and of course tom hardy is great i think tom hardy is great in
Sonny00:17:42no matter what he does i like tom i i like tom hardy in this i like i like i like venom let there be carnage more than i liked venom because the the issue with the first venom is that it takes like it takes like 45 minutes to get to venom being there and like doing the tom hardy exactly split personality thing which is like the best part of it yeah um so i i like this more i still don't think it i don't think it's particularly good it's not it's not a good movie but it would be better certainly but it's it's 90 minutes long you would have liked it much more than i would
Vic00:18:14i would have liked that and i figured you know what i could stick around here i'm not eating anything you know i'm not taking up any you know real so i'm just watching it if it's there on the screen and nobody's there what's the what's the crime really well if you had if you had actually
Sonny00:18:27bought a popcorn and then sat in on it i would be i would be slightly less yes yes yes annoyed yes by this yes but it's just there you're still stealing from sony sony pictures entertainment
Vic00:18:40very very important it's a victimless crime you're not a victim you're trying to make me out to be some sort of a deviant speaking of which i talked to the priest about this
JVL00:18:49i talked to the priest about this vic and they say it is uh it is definitely a crime venial but not something you need to go confession oh thank you no that's not what they said that's not what
Sonny00:19:00they said they said that vic is going to hell no that's and then his soul that his soul will
Vic00:19:04be tormented for the rest of eternity and uh i'm sorry i did not say that again i'm sorry i was
Sonny00:19:13reading between the lines he can't just condemn you to hell on twitter that's not how being a priest works is my understanding let's try but it was it was very obvious what he was saying
Vic00:19:22which is that you are going to hell for being okay let's for being just like john just like
JVL00:19:28john valjean before speaking of deviants netflix's new show love sex goo bonus bonus episode folks
Sonny00:19:39that's gonna be the bonus episode you're a terrible terrible fucking let me tell you something i watch i well we'll talk about it we'll talk about it in the bonus get excited subscribe subscribe if
Vic00:19:50you want to hear that you could talk about the yoni egg and if you're listening to this and
Sonny00:19:55you're not a subscriber to the patreon uh two weeks ago we put up an episode about uh this
Vic00:20:01terrible love sex goop show weeks ago okay so speaking of deviants over the weekend eternals blasted the box office with its laser beam eyeball beams jesus christ powerful beams coming from its eyes stop trying 71.3 million wow followed by dune with 7.8 and in third place no time to die with six million box office thoughts what a big opening this must be an amazing movie i have a
JVL00:20:29question for sunny yes how much did eternals blowing out dune on first weekend hurt your soul
Sonny00:20:39well not at all because it's total i mean it's apples and oranges it doesn't make any sense to
JVL00:20:44compare the two big spectacle big budget sci-fi movies that anybody in america who wanted to see dune on an imax could no longer see it because eternals was there taking a dump on the screen
Sonny00:20:57that's what i was gonna ask so dune had they that's okay with you if you look at if you it's funny if you look at if you look at dune so i'm looking at the box office mojo page mojo page right now the uh dune now has 579 fewer screens this weekend and those are all the imax and dolby etc screens that that's like all the large format screens that they lost um uh dune actually only dropped 50 percent which is interesting i expected it to actually be a slightly steeper drop than that 60 60 70 percent um uh no i mean i it's not it's not fair to compare them because dune is like a a i always thought that dune was going to have a very limited box office anyway like i i have argued repeatedly that the pandemic is the best thing that could have happened to dune because Dune was always going to be in the Blade Runner 2049 Ender's Game level of box office, probably somewhere between $70 and $110 million. And that's almost exactly where it's going to end up. It's probably going to squeak to $100 million. And the fact that the pandemic is happening is actually helping them because, A, it gives them an excuse for having that low of a box office, but, B, it also lets the fence-sitters watch it on HBO Max at home they get excited for it maybe they'll go see dune 2 in theaters i'm feeling they might not i'm feeling they might not and that dune part 2 is going to actually also do pretty poorly
Vic00:22:23but we'll see we'll see we never you never know i would totally see dune part 2 on imax like good
Sonny00:22:30i'm glad for you now that you know that you know you're right before you what i'm going to do is
Vic00:22:35i'm going to see some other movie we have to see like for the show and then i'll just happen to show up two and a half hours earlier and they're just like oh are you saying sit on somebody's lap
Sonny00:22:45um so anyway i uh i i it doesn't it doesn't hurt me at all because i am not surprised that a marvel movie a pg-13 marvel movie uh that is has the mcu branding and everything else uh blows dune out of the water that is like the least surprising thing in the world i mean there is no score on this movie sunny b the cinema score on eternals is a b how did it ever get that high you know know what else had to be on cinema score batman versus superman the dawn of justice i'm very curious to see what the weekend to weekend drop that's what i'm gonna say i'll put it i'll put it that way i didn't like i'll put it that way uh i i we we'll we'll i mean we'll we'll talk about the turtles here in a second a couple other things worth noting yes the french dispatch drops just 0.7 percent in uh are they adding more theaters they are adding more theater so i mean i it is it's platforming uh you know the per the per screen average is about 2100 uh which is uh it's better than spencer which opened on a thousand screens uh which spencer's spencer for hire spencer which no spencer is the kristen stewart uh princess die they call it i thought they that's what they're calling that movie spencer spencer it's on neon it's it's out from neon it's interesting because neon also put out pig which you remember we discussed yes um and pig uh was released on 500 screens so the nick cage really good like high caliber you know i not quite art house but but in that range um but also like just entertaining and fun uh movie opened on half as many screens as the princess die movie and i just i don't understand what they're doing there with that i mean i like maybe this this is a me problem i guess but i like couldn't possibly be interested in watching another thing about the fucking royals the royals i like i'll watch a million i'll watch i'll watch 7 000 more mcu movies before i watch another thing about the royals and i like i can't i feel like i know everything to know i just i like i don't care i don't i like i watched the i watched the crown it's fine uh i'll caught up you know i watched the queen and yes the queen before that but like whatever i i'm done i'm done with the
Vic00:25:09royals i don't care about they should have put the french dispatch on imax that's what they should
Sonny00:25:13have done well i know that you would have enjoyed getting a lot of extra sit in the front row you
Vic00:25:18know sonny how about how about a big boy review of the eternals please crack open another
Sonny00:25:27well well guys let's talk about the eternals let's talk about the eternals so i uh i here's here's i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna be slightly i'll be i'll be i'll i'll go slightly different than you guys i admire and respect what chloe xiao is going for in the eternals because what what what she has done here is she has made marvel's first dc movie that's quite she has made she has made she has made marvel's first dceu movie and what i mean by that is it is a movie about gods and godly concerns and how little they care for humans and the rest of us. And she has done it with her own aesthetic. So Chloe Zhao is the director of Nomadland and the writer. She loves these grand sweeping vistas, these epic horizon shots, right, of dawns and dusks and people kind of on the horizon with the sun backlit against them. admire the idea of this movie I admire I like I like in theory what they are trying to do here the problem is twofold the first is that the script is a disaster the script is an absolute disaster it's it's very interesting to look at this movie so I'm not I'm not gonna run through all the different characters because there's ten Eternals and listing all of their names and all the care and all the actors who play them not not worth it not worth doing
Vic00:27:03Hey, Sonny, did she write also? You say, did she write?
Sonny00:27:06So Chloe Zhao has two screenplay credits on this. It's very, very interesting. If you look at the screenplay credits on Eternals, Chloe Zhao has two separate credits. Here are all of the writing credits. Writing credits. Chloe Zhao screenplay and Chloe Zhao ampersand Patrick Burleigh screenplay by and Ryan Furpo, Kaz Furpo screenplay by. So, like, essentially what you have here are three separate entities who have gotten credit for this screenplay. On top of that, the Furpos also have a screen story by credit, which means essentially what has happened here is that the Furpos, again, the Furpos, They wrote the original screenplay. Chloe Zhao came in, she rewrote it, and she rewrote enough of it to get a credit on her own. And then I'm guessing as she was doing pre-production and stuff, she brought in Patrick Burleigh to do a rewrite that she also got credit on. It's very interesting. Like, I've never seen anything like it. I don't know another example of a writer getting two credits in the same movie. I'm sure some credit nerd somewhere will come up to us and say, oh, well, this is happening. But fuck them. The point is, I can't remember it happening. The screenplay is a mess. The screenplay is a mess. And it's a mess for a bunch of reasons. Small reasons, small. Like, for instance, I don't have any idea what the actual powers or weaknesses of most of the Eternals are.
JVL00:28:50Oh, I know this.
Sonny00:28:51I couldn't tell you exactly what they are.
JVL00:28:54Their powers and weaknesses are whatever the movie needs their powers and weaknesses to be at any given moment.
Sonny00:29:01Again, screenplay weakness.
JVL00:29:02And that changes literally moment to moment.
Sonny00:29:05Screenplay weakness. So, we can talk more about that. But also just large. I mean, so, again, there's an interesting idea here. That is, the Celestials, the giant godlike space beings, send the Eternals to Earth. and they say to the Eternals, you protect humans from the deviants, right? And the Eternals get here and they protect the humans and they fall in love with the humans and the ideas of humans and the free will and the love and all that, right? And then they become disillusioned with the humans. They see the humans use their free will to wage war upon each other and to commit genocide against each other and to wipe each other off the face of the planet. And they say, why would we love you at all? You disgust us. We should use our powers to take control of you and control and make you better. And they don't do that. And then they still at the end have to decide whether or not they want to defend humanity against the ultimate threat that they face. Right. And I like I like it. I like the idea, the kind of notion that they're playing with here. The problem is it is so fucking muddled and so terribly done that none of that actually comes through. This is all my headcanon. I'm rewriting the movie as I'm watching it. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I could see what's interesting here. I can see what's good. I can see how this could work again. It is very much a DC movie. All of those movies are concerned with the ways in which gods would impact humanity and gods would have to confront the problem of humanity, the basic problem of which is free will. Right. All right. So let's leave, let's leave all that aside. The second big problem with this movie is that it has this collision of aesthetics. Like I said, there's this Chloe Zhao-esque love of nature and horizons and dusks and sunsets and, you know, big sweeping golden light shots, right? And then those are just slammed together with your very standard second unit MCU action CGI scenes. Totally. And they do not mesh at all. I mean, it's literally like you took two different movies and put them together and ask people to enjoy them. So I just it doesn't it doesn't work on a visual level. It doesn't work on a storytelling level. It doesn't work on an acting level. you know uh what's his name uh madden richard madden uh as icarus who is who's the kind of uh superman figure he played rob stark on game of thrones uh and jemma chan who plays cersei who is supposed to be like you know the big hero of the movie um they have no chemistry together at all they're terrible together uh you know i can't believe somebody watched game of thrones and was like we need to get richard madden we need to get kit harrington into this movie we need to get the two most wooden actors from Game of Thrones into this movie. That's how we're going to make it work.
Vic00:31:58And have them both profess their love to a woman named Cersei, like Lannister. It's a really weird Game of Thrones vibe.
Sonny00:32:04Anyway, I like some of the individual performances in this. I thought Camille Nanjiani was very good with his valet. What's his name? He was the highlight. Definitely the highlight. But it's the most MCU thing of the movie, right? Like that whole relationship, those interactions with everybody else, It's the most comic book-y part of the whole experience. I like some other stuff in it. I thought Brian Tyree Henry as Fastest is pretty good. I actually really like Barry Keown as Druig, who is the Eternal. He's the Eternal who can control people's minds, right? I like him. I think he's good. What is Angelina Jolie doing in this movie? What is Salma Hayek doing in this movie as Theena and Ajak? I just don't understand what they're doing in it. I don't know, man.
JVL00:32:59I just don't think you're going far enough. I mean, the problem is this entire production is a failure from set design to costuming to casting. I mean, Salma Hayek is a wonderful actress who can do many interesting things on screen. She is not a charismatic superhero type who is, like, playing the optimist. She's not Optimus Prime. Right. That's bad casting. I mean, Camille is not. Camille Nianjiani is not good in this. He's just doing Stuber. He's doing Stuber.
Sonny00:33:46he's in a different movie he's in a different movie they are all in different movies every one
JVL00:33:51of these actors and part of that is the material part of that is the casting part of it is the performances and it just none of it none of it works and and then on top of it it's like two hours and 47 minutes long or something like that it just goes on and on there's nothing visually interesting and even the thematic stuff winds up being at war with itself i mean we can we can talk about some of that in a couple minutes but all i mean it's so it's chloe xiao is trying to talk to the audience about the idea of oppressors and oppressed and uh how you know who are the conquistadors and who are the natives and yet even that message doesn't work because at the end of the movie the eternals become conquistadors and we're like yeah no well we gotta you know the whole movie their rationale for we've we've got to rebel is uh you cannot allow the argument of the lives of the many you know the good of the many has to override the the lives of the few
Sonny00:35:08we should explain what the actual plot oh yes so so so the eternal okay vick you have to do that
Vic00:35:14there's a robot living inside planet earth and it's about the attach when there's enough people
Sonny00:35:23on this earth then suddenly it hatches this is right this is actually he's not wrong this is actually the thing that happens in the so the eternals are sent to earth by i'm sorry can you
JVL00:35:35tell me victorino how does the number of people on the earth provide energy for the robot i don't
Vic00:35:41know i have a question so sonny you explain it first and then i could chime in very short version
Sonny00:35:47uh the eternals have been sent to earth by the giant celestial the galacticized uh celestial Arishem who, uh, wants them to protect the people of earth from the deviants. Uh, the reason the deviants are there is to, uh, doesn't matter why the deviants are there. Deviants are killing humans. There, there needs to be a critical mass of humans on the planet to give birth to a celestial that is inside of earth who will rise and destroy the planet. Uh, and it turns out the Eternals have been doing this on a bunch of different planets. This keeps happening over and over again and they they have uh they've realized what is going on and they're they're fighting against it they're trying to decide whether or not they want to follow they want to follow erishem's grand design or revolt against their uh their creator it's uh it's very and and
JVL00:36:37biblical in a sense and the the logic behind it is that the new celestial needs to be born because the celestials are the ones who create stars and planets that's right and you they're big bangs if they don't do that, they need to be born. One world needs to die so that another billion worlds can be born. Right. And this is what our heroes, the protagonists who have seen the conquistadors and seen how oppressive humans can be to one another and how might makes right and how terrible that is, they then see this and they say, look, you cannot go down the road of saying that it's okay to sacrifice the lives of the few people right here for more people in the future that's wrong and we're going to act to stop it and so they then go and kill the the life of the celestial that's being born which is to say we're going to place the the lives of the many people on earth are more important than the life of this other creature so we're just gonna we're just gonna
Vic00:37:42to kill it yeah and so the entire logic and all of this seems to be taking place fully out of their
JVL00:37:50field of moral vision they become the conquistadors like there's just no yeah no understanding of
Sonny00:37:57what's going on yeah i again the whole thing is very very muddled and i i i this is the big problem with the movie from a just a dramatic perspective is is that the drum the the drama is all generated internally from this one celestial who decides he's going to betray the rest of the team and the design of icarus who's played by richard madden he decides i've i've uh i'm going to betray the rest of you and follow erisham's grand design blah blah and i don't care about that i like just don't i don't care about him betraying his friends i don't know them well enough to be like oh this is bad for him he shouldn't do that or like he deserve he he should be more loyal to them like it doesn't work on a dramatic level it just doesn't like it needs to be it needs to be more it like weirdly it needs to be more um like more philosophical and less personal i like i just i could have used like 30 minutes of just you know them debating the morals of what they're doing they that would have been more interesting to me than like 80 of what's on
JVL00:39:04screen it's just i would have had to go into venom meets carnage if they had started doing that yeah but the other the other thing is it it also is a mess in that the movie keeps flashing backwards in time and so we spend god like an hour in in technoclon and babylon and all these other places we're with things that do not matter to the story you know do not matter to us the audience because we don't know or care about any of the main characters i've i have played games
Vic00:39:37of civilization that were more interesting victorino it's funny you say that because in my
JVL00:39:43notes i have two nice things to say about the movie which is the first babylon and tedish t-line babylon yeah i i saw the hanging gardens and i was looking for the granary it also looked
Vic00:39:56like the gates of militants they had the city walls there's a city walls i said okay there's that babylon looked like sieve and technoclone had the pyramids they did and and it also had
JVL00:40:09the same quality of if you if the game who are there who is technoclone's uh special unit is
Vic00:40:16the jaguar warriors yes yeah i was looking for jaguar warriors at that point through the the jungle that's right that's right uh this movie did not do well on the quadrant i was gonna say this has to be death on the quadrants okay so like uh plot is f i gave it an f question
JVL00:40:34so haversham whatever his name is haversham haversham haversham uh he also created
Vic00:40:43the deviants for them to fight? Yes.
Sonny00:40:47Yeah, well, so the deviants are sent to planets to get rid of, like, dinosaurs.
Vic00:40:52Oh.
Sonny00:40:52Right? Essentially. So the, so the intelligent life can rise.
Vic00:40:58And then their job is, and they stuck around, the deviants.
Sonny00:41:01And then the Eternals show up to get rid of the, it's like, it's like the Simpsons episode where they have all of the snakes and they're like, we're gonna, we're gonna bring in the gorillas who eat the snakes to get rid of the snakes. And then they're like, well, in winter, the gorillas will freeze.
JVL00:41:17Why not just sell them the Eternals to kill the dinosaurs? I know. Because then the movie wouldn't happen.
Sonny00:41:24Well, the Celestials made a mistake.
Vic00:41:27Duration is an F.
Sonny00:41:29So long.
Vic00:41:30Again, I've also played games of Civilization that were shorter, that felt shorter than this. Action and violence, I give it an F. Yes, there was action and violence, but it was lousy action and violence. Terrible. I, like, again, I'm so sick. I am so sick of the CGI fighting sequences, but they can be done well. And these were not, they're so, you know what it was for me? They were uninspired. They're just. And also incoherent. And they're incoherent. Did you ever, did you see, how many times did you see this? Obviously our listeners can't see this, but it's all of a sudden a guy gets knocked off the screen.
Sonny00:42:00Joss, Joss Whedon's Justice League caliber special effects.
JVL00:42:07Yeah. No, that's not wrong. That is not wrong.
Vic00:42:11I was so angry by it. And, of course, I just didn't find these creatures compelling. And they just didn't look realistic, obviously, for obvious reasons. But the only quadrant it did so well was sex nudity. It got a B because there was actual superhero sex.
JVL00:42:31I believe this is the first time that Marvel has had sex, actual sex, on screen. on to work not just on top of but like clearly like thrusting yes I mean it didn't come in and then then adds to that I believe the first Marvel gay kiss yes on screen that's right and I gotta say both of those moments felt like weirdly self-conscious to me like yeah like neither is really necessary to the story and neither really describe i'm not complaining or anything but i'm saying both felt like well we ought to plant a flag here right and also the i guess that's not true
Sonny00:43:19deadpool right deadpool has had yeah it's not really horrible well that wasn't mcu deadpool
Vic00:43:25was fox and it was rated r uh and this one too you know while the way they're doing it so gently they're eternals shouldn't it be like you know i mean it should be just you wanted acrobatic
Sonny00:43:37it should be explosive instead you wanted you wanted you wanted something like uh watchman where they're in the owl ship and then the flame shoots out at the moment yeah that would have been
Vic00:43:48good i would have liked that sonny i would have liked that uh i didn't see i'm looking here in my list of pros and cons yes the pros was the king goes valet caroon i was that was part of
Sonny00:44:00the movie best part of the movie doing anything interesting yeah that actor whoever he is i'm
JVL00:44:10sure he's just like some old bollywood guy yeah character yeah but uh what was the reaction like
Vic00:44:15in the okay first of all my um the theater i was in was pretty crowded yeah um mine was sold out
Sonny00:44:22mine was crowded it died in my theater yes no not no usually at the end of this movie there's like
JVL00:44:29there's like there's like yeah or just like people talking or you hear laughter during funny moments or no this the i'm i'm telling you the room i was in was just dead i will say i will say that uh
Sonny00:44:45people laughed during the ikea fall collection scene and it made me angry because we've all seen that we've all seen that a thousand fucking times in the trailer i've seen we we all knew that line was coming I hated it I hated it in the theater and during all the trailers I felt the
Vic00:45:00same exact way and when people laughed at the theater I was like how dare you is this really
Sonny00:45:06the first time you've seen this how dare you laugh at this you know you're supposed to laugh at this it's the only reason you're laughing and that was like all of you fuck all of you I hate it there was like it was it was literal but here's here's the very weird thing here's the very weird thing is that that was the only moment in which people laughed in my theater it's like they were it's like they were waiting for it and they laughed and they were like alright let me get back to the duty of watching this movie
JVL00:45:32just muscle memory because this movie is a batan death march
Vic00:45:35yeah it is speaking of speaking of which if I can just get on this too speaking of batan death march speaking of batan death march the scene where the eternal is standing there in Hiroshima and he's feeling terrible and mankind is a you just ended a war how horrible is that
Sonny00:45:51I didn't understand I didn't understand that scene at all So how did he get there?
Vic00:45:57Oh, yeah, he's wearing it from the Manhattan Project. I thought he's got his bow tie on.
JVL00:46:05Transportation of Eternals is a thing we see over and over again. And only two of them have any special modes of transportation. Everybody else has got to take a bus. One flies, one has super speed. Everyone else has to walk or take a bus or drive. They literally can't. They don't just disapparate.
Sonny00:46:23I did think it was very, I thought it was very brave of Marvel to make the gay black man responsible for Hiroshima.
Vic00:46:32You saw that. You saw that on Twitter, Sonny. You saw that somebody was talking about this. I'm stealing that.
Sonny00:46:36I'm stealing that from Twitter.
Vic00:46:37The gay black man responsible for the atomic bomb.
Sonny00:46:41They made the gay, he made the gay black superhero in Eternals responsible for Hiroshima. But frankly, again, I don't understand why he was upset because that's one of the great moments. Thank you. In human history, he saved lives.
Vic00:46:55That's what annoyed me about the other Eternal, the young guy. He's a nice actor. Which one? The weird, he does the mind control. Barry Keogh?
Sonny00:47:04Yes. Barry Keogh. Yes. He's in Dunkirk.
Vic00:47:07Dunkirk and also in Chernobyl. And he's very good. So I'm not angry at him, but the character and how he's like at Tenochtitlan and he's like, oh, this is genocide and all. Was he there during the sacrificing? at the temple did he see what they were ripping the heart out you know yeah no i mean and then
Sonny00:47:26what does he do with the politics of this the politics of this movie are very very like standard bog standard liberal nonsense i mean but confused even on their own terms yeah where were the
Vic00:47:38eternals during the rape and anking you know what i mean give me yeah so i mean honestly but uh but his idea the interesting thing is of course then the eternal saw uh rwanda and we're like I didn't teach them anything you know that I didn't pass on any knowledge that's okay Icarus showed up at Dachau was like yeah right exactly you know exactly uh but it is interesting that then uh Barry Keogh's uh a character then wants to you know he leaves and he creates this is he in Spain is he in Spain where he creates this it's like a commune where they find him you know when they finally want he's in the Amazon he's in the Amazon it's the people he led it's
Sonny00:48:16the people he it's the remnants of the villain the oh i so remember he leads he leads the people
Vic00:48:24who are being slaughtered he becomes jim jones into the into the 500 years later so 500 years later he's there and they're living this perfect life except for maybe he's kind of controlling them and it's it reminded me of wandavision you know like it's like please free me it's exhausting
JVL00:48:43so i i have some jvl we mentioned this in the beginning how and this for me is just synaptic for the the just dumpster fire the entire script we talked about what are what are their powers and i sort of went to list i went down a list of this after i got back from the movie so our lead character cersei has the ability to transform matter and she explains how it works early in the movie and she's right she says but i can only transform things that aren't sentient until the story needs her to transform sentient things too and so she just does it right
Sonny00:49:15it's like how did you do i don't know how i did it we i don't know how i did we have
JVL00:49:19thena who is this incredible badass warrior but she has this debilitating condition which
Sonny00:49:25prevents her from fighting what's it called it's called mad weary mad we're or something but unimportant it's the most it's it's like the most jack kirby made up word of all time but but the
JVL00:49:37point is this condition simply manifests whenever the script needs her to not be fighting yes and as soon as like we go and then and then the script needs her to fight so she has to okay stop uh so we have we have death flash and if we have the flash but the flash is a deaf woman who's very very attractive i thought you said death no death no death and she talks in sign language and it is
Sonny00:50:04is asl they had asl back in uh 7 000 bc or whatever clearly the the these titans invented asl and were
JVL00:50:13the ones who brought asl to humanity not the other way around um but it is as if she never saw x-men first class and realizes that uh the power of super speed is the power to bend time to fix any problem that's right and and so you know we have this fight where all of these characters are fighting against Icarus the the flying laser beam eye guy and you know they can't stop him he's so powerful until death flash decides to use her super speed and so once she starts using her super speed she's beating the ever-loving piss out of him until the movie needs her to stop doing that so he just punches her once as if as if like he now has super speed too well I again I I flashed
Sonny00:50:59I flashed back to the two Justice League movies, which has a terrible Flash who is just like kind of grabbing people and pushing their cars really fast. And then it has an awesome Flash who can literally turn back time. And I'm just like, this is the shit Flash. She is the shit Flash and not the awesome Flash.
JVL00:51:20And the best one, though, is Hephaestus, right? So Hephaestus, when they go to fight Icarus at the end, Hephaestus has nothing to do. He's like, well, well, you know, Icarus is just beating the crap out of all. And then he does this weird thing with his hands and he fires these incredible energy leeching straps that totally immobilize Icarus and sap him of oil, which he just built with his hands right there. Sure. And so Icarus is totally immobilized.
Sonny00:51:48As the fastest does.
JVL00:51:49Until the story, until the movie needs him to get out, at which point he just breaks them.
Vic00:51:53Yes. He's just like, none of this makes any sense. Special effects-wise, was it intentional that their powers resembled Doctor Strange in appearance or no?
JVL00:52:09That's an interesting question. You know how it looked like?
Sonny00:52:12Yeah, I can see what you're saying. I think unintentional. Except for the fact that they're using the same FX house.
Vic00:52:20There's no connection with Doctor Strange. There was a reference to Doctor Strange.
Sonny00:52:23No, there's no Doctor Strange tie-in, I don't think.
JVL00:52:28Hey, I have a question.
Sonny00:52:29To the Eternals.
JVL00:52:30So, Gazinga, Bazinga, whatever. Kingo. Kingo. He disappears before the third act.
Vic00:52:36Yes, yes. I wrote that down. I thought it was me.
JVL00:52:39Did he have scheduling problems? Where did he go? The only explanation I could think of is that Camille had scheduling problems and just couldn't be around for that part of the shoot.
Sonny00:52:49There is a line in the film about how he feels it would be immoral for him to take part in this conversation.
JVL00:52:55No, I know that. But that is clearly, that seems to me, he and the valet leave together because he is on Icarus' side. But there's no reason for him to be on Icarus' side in terms of story. This looks to me like purely a talent management, he had X number of days on this and they ran long or something.
Vic00:53:20And then just decided to... His presence was so, it was so notably absent. You could tell he should be there in the fight. He has powers. I'm not also sure what his powers are, except for, you know, lasers.
Sonny00:53:32I, I, I agree with you. And I suggested this to a friend and was assured that this was not the case, that this was an actual artistic choice.
JVL00:53:40Wow. Wow.
Sonny00:53:44But it is weird because it jumped out to me as well that like, here's the guy who is, I think, like, except for Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek, I think you would say that Camille Nanjiani is probably the biggest star in this movie.
JVL00:54:00Yes.
Sonny00:54:01Also, and he is totally absent from the actual climax of the film. And that's a real problem. I think that's a real problem.
Vic00:54:08Because he's sitting out somewhere doing what? The other thing, and I do believe, again, like, he's in his own movie, and it is super. Also, that choice. But he's trying, because he's doing his best, but go ahead.
JVL00:54:21That choice qua character makes no sense, because that character is the one who is most in love with living on Earth.
Sonny00:54:32He's the most in love with himself and being famous.
JVL00:54:34Right, he loves the life he has. He loves being famous on the Earth. All the jokes come from there. And so all of a sudden at the end, he's like, no, you know what? We really should just blow up this whole thing and I should die and then be reincarnated in the next.
Sonny00:54:49No, but see, here's here's here's I think there's a different way you could go with it. He was always on Team Icarus, right? He was always like he believed that Icarus was the natural leader of that team. If he had gone to war with the rest of the Eternals, if he was playing the Sprite character, if instead of if instead of Sprite, it was Kingo. i would be like okay i get it i i think that actually makes sense um but i like he just
Vic00:55:13disappears she herself was gone for a while yeah oh and the other the other i'm sorry one more
JVL00:55:18thing at the beginning of that of this climactic sequence uh our our protagonist cersei has to like go to the volcano and so she just the answer is she's just gonna walk yes so she just walks She just starts walking towards the volcano and then we have this other fight which I assume takes like three days or something or certainly feels like three days of our lives watching it. And when we finally go back and check back in with her, she's still
Vic00:55:49not there. No, it was like going to Mount Doom. Did anybody just think
JVL00:55:53maybe she should just rent one of those battery powered electric scooters or what? Again, did... It was so bad. Just so careless.
Sonny00:56:01Can one of you two explain to me the unimind we need this thing to happen explain to me the union it's like what is
Vic00:56:10the union it's like ghostbusters you gotta cross the streams and then this big thing happens and
JVL00:56:14that's if we don't have a unimind then the story can't happen right that's all it is it it prevents the celestial from coming out and yet none of this should surprise anybody who has any passing familiarity with comic books because the eternals are a piece of shit as a comic book property have always been and they were a piece of shit even when they were not the Eternals when they were
Sonny00:56:38Jack Kirby's new gods which he was
JVL00:56:40writing for DC which were also terrible because Jack Kirby Sonny can I can I shoot here
Sonny00:56:47Jack Kirby I mean I'm gonna I'm gonna undercut you immediately and say that Jack Kirby great artist but as a writer
JVL00:56:55he's a monkey without Stan Lee whispering in his ear and telling him what to do bad storyteller bad creator he's just an artist a great artist jack kirby jack kirby one of the
Sonny00:57:11all-time great comic book artists nobody would super important i would put him uh in the pantheon of comic book artists if not at the very top of the pantheon he might be the god king of comic
JVL00:57:23book artists not a writer just not not a writer and not a creator just like not whatever people get a man at us for that i king kirby love king kirby is treated very badly by marvel i all this but on the other hand the idea that marvel was gonna make this movie just strikes me like we are headed we're getting a moon knight movie
Sonny00:57:43now we're getting a moon knight tv series like we on disney plus at some point can can they
JVL00:57:50really take their d and e and f and g list characters and make money can they do that
Sonny00:58:00they can't without china you know where this movie didn't play why wow uh long story short there are actually a couple of reasons for the jengsi get out to china too they eventually release it i think uh no shang chi did not ever get a chinese release date i mean i i i think i think china is making a very explicit explicit point to disney and the rest of the hollywood ecosystem that we can we can crush you here if we want to um and on top of that there was the whole thing with chloe zhao uh saying and in their interview that you know growing up in china was
JVL00:58:38like growing up where liars and thieves live or something that was a give a prop it was an old
Sonny00:58:43interview it was an old interview that was resurfaced yeah it was resurfaced like so many
Vic00:58:47tweets they're okay so two i have two other thoughts one is um the the moments that they tried to where they were thinking okay the audience is going to really love this and get a lot of laughs one i thought was supposed to be this bollywood scene because like oh what is he
Sonny00:59:03what is he doing there was no reaction in the audience it was a terrible it was almost a cringe almost cringe it was like because it was a terribly done bollywood scene i mean like bollywood qua bollywood that was a bad scene it was just like it was just it was it was like it was like having the Marvel B unit shoot a Bollywood scene like they would shoot an action scene. And it was terrible. Yes. It was actually like remarkably bad.
Vic00:59:31Okay, there was that. The other thing I thought was the deviant who now has the power to speak and express himself because...
JVL00:59:39Why isn't he a hero? He is an oppressed people. I don't know what happened to him.
Vic00:59:43Yes, absolutely. No, he's clearly...
JVL00:59:44Again, this is what I'm saying. The politics of this movie are totally confused.
Vic00:59:48He also had the same resemblance of Voldemort in uh the sorcerer's stone a little bit it's the same phase okay can i can i just say my my my big
Sonny00:59:57takeaway from this movie is that i i don't think i don't think this is true of me i don't think i have ever underappreciated the basic competence of the marvel cinematic universe i think i've always like even when i don't like the movies like on a basic storytelling level they have all worked they like yeah this is the first marvel movie this is the first specifically i'm sorry this is the first mcu movie that i've ever watched where i was like wait did i miss lines of dialogue right that explain what is happening did i i i'm i'm confused i'm never confused in an mcu movie and this this movie had several sequences where i was like wait what is happening now why is this
Vic01:00:41happening do you i mean you know how you can find on the internet the audience reactions right though they have the audience there during scenes of like uh infinity war right or endgame and people go crazy at certain moments like that you would not be able to use anything in my theater for any of this including including the first stinger if you can explain it to me where harry styles shows
Sonny01:01:04up did you stay for that that's that's that's that is that is like cosmic marvel shit i don't
JVL01:01:11understand it. Well, there are other Eternals and we see in the very first scene with Cersei where she's in a bar. Do you remember this? There is another Eternal. There's a girl Eternal in the bar who does an Eternal thing and then walks out and we never see the character again.
Vic01:01:26Right. No, that's Sprite. Oh, that was Sprite. That's Sprite. Are you sure
JVL01:01:32she's in there? She was portraying
Sonny01:01:34herself as like an older person because that's her whole thing. She wants to be old. That's right. She wants she wants to be old so she can I'm pretty sure if she goes to Thailand she's going to find people who can hook that up
Vic01:01:46I'm pretty sure
Sonny01:01:49that in Thailand she'd be able to hook that up that's that's Sprite that's from that scene
Vic01:01:55that is Sprite she was like a mixture of Claire Danes and she looked like a mixture of Claire Danes and River Phoenix I can see that
Sonny01:02:04I do have a question because I got this right I was discussing this with a friend on text afterwards, but did you stay for the last? I didn't stay for it.
Vic01:02:13I walked out the minute the world before we get to the last one before we get to the last one study the first stinger Harry Styles shows up. What who is he? You have no idea. I don't
Sonny01:02:23know. We're supposed to cause cosmic Marvel. I don't
Vic01:02:27understand any of this. Were they expecting people in the audience to go? Oh, instead it was silence. It was nobody was interested. No
Sonny01:02:35no, because these characters are all shit. They're all shit character. Nobody cares about, like, they pushed it with Guardians of the Galaxy, and they got lucky. They got lucky because Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana are, like, legit stars. Like, Dave Bautista, great at what he does. Groot, like, a ridiculous character, but, like, kind of fun to watch, right? Like, Bradley Cooper as the dumb raccoon. Like, the whole thing worked. And in this, like, nothing works.
Vic01:03:05Yeah. Nothing works. Okay, so nobody cared about that. What happens at the end? Because I couldn't, I could not. Even I, and I-
Sonny01:03:12You weren't going to sit through seven minutes of credits to stay?
Vic01:03:15It's the first time that I did not sit to the end.
Sonny01:03:21So at the end, Kit Harington is opening a sword box, and he's going to become the Black Knight. That's what the Dane Whitman character is. I don't, again, like he is a British superhero. I don't understand.
Vic01:03:36Because he said, my past is sort of complicated.
JVL01:03:39What are the odds that two superheroes would have found each other and fallen in love?
Sonny01:03:44Crazy, right? So anyway, he's about to become the Black Knight. But then off screen, there's a voice who says, are you sure you want to grab? It turns out it's Mahershala Ali. Oh. Who is actually going to be Blade in the MCU.
Vic01:04:00You mean not Wesley Snipes?
Sonny01:04:02Not Wesley Snipes. Mahershala Ali. And I heard that voice. I was like, oh, that sounds like Mahershala Ali. And somebody else was like, you sure? I think that was Jeffrey Wright. I was like, you're just saying that because he's black. It's just another black guy. So I got it right. I got it right. I defeated my racist friend.
Vic01:04:23Jeffrey Wright, wonderful in the French discipline.
JVL01:04:25We are five years away from Ambush Bug.
Vic01:04:30Okay. All right. I think that we have beaten this one today. We have beaten this one to death.
Sonny01:04:36Hour and five minutes on this terrible fucking movie.
Vic01:04:39Well, now we're able to explain just why it's bad. And I hope nobody goes to see it after this. We saw it, so you didn't have to. Corrections, shout out, spirit of the week. Anything. You got anything? Because I do. You got something, Victor. I finally, because your lovely wife had come to the house with the other ladies for the ladies' book club, which, by the way, is 95% gossip, than I think 5% book, from what I understand.
JVL01:05:04I'm just going to throw that out there.
Vic01:05:05Unlike any other book club.
JVL01:05:09Anyway. Unlike when the boys get together. Oh, please.
Vic01:05:13I don't read books at all. So anyway, I finally got my part of this lovely gift set. You got gifts from our friend from Germany, Matthias. Yes, Matthias? Yes, Matthias. And so, Matthias, I just wanted to thank you very much. Look at this. This is beautiful. Look at this. Iserain Distillery in Munich, and it's samples of whiskey, rum, and gin. It's very safe. I didn't open it out because it's such a nice packaging, so I didn't open it up yet, but I will, trust me. Vielen Dank für dieses Schöne Geschenk. Okay, that is all the time we're giving to this episode. Questions, comments, compliments, tweet us at Sunny Bunch, at Victorina Mattis. Again, be sure to subscribe to us on Patreon. Go to subbeacon.com. we're there tell your friends until next time look i i know that we have to talk about the doritos locos vodka but i just want to say arby's arby's i want to say one more thing about that
JVL01:06:19fucking movie the audacity to end it like remo williams the adventure begins with a cliffhanger because you guys are going to love this so much you're going to be coming on back for more let's come back to see what Arishem decides
Vic01:06:37now that he has gotten the punishment of the audience it's so insulting
Sonny01:06:43no but it's different it's different than Remo Williams because Remo Williams was like a first film it was a and this is like what is this the 26th 25th MCU movie we'll come back to the trough we're dumb pigs we'll stick our snout you said in the trough i forget what movie it was that you
JVL01:07:03you said this is it we're in for the death march here with marvel and the mcu where it's no longer exciting but now we dread going to see these movies yes that's basically where i am i didn't want between this and black widow and chang-ci and i can't remember the last marvel movie i liked
Vic01:07:20End game, end game. Oh, no, the last movie, the last Marvel movie, I looked forward to seeing it.
Sonny01:07:25I think she was at least entertaining.
JVL01:07:27I think she was at least entertaining. It was entertaining.
Vic01:07:29And I guess when Spider-Man comes back, I'll see that and I'll look forward to that.
Sonny01:07:32I'm excited for Spider-Man No Way Home.
Vic01:07:34But you're right. Other than that, this was a slog. This was a slog. Sonny, you sent over this Twitter thing about Arby's.
Sonny01:07:44I mean, we don't have to talk about that. Why not? It's amazing. It's a vodka that is flavored with Arby's. It's a vodka infused with like curly fries.
Vic01:07:52I love how they have the curly, like, like you always go for the curly. Like, why would anyone want to get the other one?
Sonny01:07:57Why would you, why would you go to Arby's and get their regular fries? If you're not getting, if you're not getting curly fries at Arby's. It's the whole point, and roast beef. I think you go, I think you get sent to some sort of camp if you get the regular fries at Arby's.
Vic01:08:07I don't know anybody who's ever ordered the other, the straight fries. So I, it reminds me of when I, when I did my book on vodka, one of the things that one of these people were telling me is how, in marketing it jumped species from uh flavors of things like uh like like hints of citrus for example or pepper to actual foods they jumped species they said so now it's drinks that taste like meals and this is one because it tastes like you're eating french fries um so that i mean it
Sonny01:08:42sounds it sounds gross i would try but it's not but it's but it's but again it's a seasoning it's not a it's not like you're it's not like you're getting the potato you know what i always picture
Vic01:08:51like it's a willy wonka flavor you know you eat the the gum and it has like six courses seven whatever a seven course meal inside one gum and that's the picture of you look at the picture of it and uh like i said to you i thought that uh uh cinnabon was was bad you know the only one i would really want there was a vodka out of germany and i already forget its name i mentioned it in the book in which the bot the the bottle was poured the vodka was poured over a naked woman's body and it catches the drippings and it goes into the bottle and they that's what they sell
Sonny01:09:25salty oh god disgusting that's not fine it's not fine at all If this episode sounds a little bit weird to you, here's why.
Vic01:09:54Hello, and welcome to another edition of The Subbeacon. I'm Victor Mattis, along with Jonathan... Okay, let's just start again. Really?
Sonny01:10:01Scoot away from the microphone. You're so loud.
Vic01:10:04The dial is practically off. You're so loud.
Sonny01:10:05It's so weird.
JVL01:10:07Okay. You're so loud.
?01:10:08Okay.
Sonny01:10:09All right. You just need to be further... Just be a little further away from the mic, Or change it in your settings up in the, change the input settings in the sound. I'm just telling you. I'm just telling you, man. It's super, every time I edit you, it's super loud. It's better to be quiet than loud. All right. All right.
JVL01:10:26All right. All right. Ready?
?01:10:27Here we go.
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