#17. 'Greenland'
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The main film is Greenland, the Gerard Butler disaster movie in which a structural engineer and his estranged wife race to a government bunker in Greenland ahead of a planet-killing comet. Sonny concedes it's not great but found it viscerally terrifying as a parent — it relentlessly pushes panic buttons and, unlike Armageddon or 2012, keeps a tight focus on one family — and likes the cast (Butler as "America's divorced Scottish stepdad," Morena Baccarin, and especially the ever-reliable Scott Glenn). JVL's takedown is that the protagonists are genuinely terrible people: everyone who helps them dies while they help no one, culminating in Butler parking his truck on a runway to hold a fully loaded plane hostage — and he's convinced the one selfless beat (Butler pulling a stranger from a burning car and getting burned for it) is an obvious studio note to make them likable. The group also gawks at the shameless product placement (an explicit Honest-vs-Minute Maid juice moment, a named Bud Light, and Butler hawking his own $120 Festina watch). JVL then unspools an elaborate theory that Greenland isn't a disaster movie at all but a stealth alien-invasion movie — the military's impossible level of preparedness implies a years-long cover-up, "Clark" is really a MIRV/terraforming weapon, and the aliens are coming for Baccarin in Greenland 2. Vic scores it a B. The hangout covers Sonny's daughter bandaging all ten fingers over one paper cut, G-Money's days-in-the-workshopping bear/squirrel/toilet joke, Vic's grocery-store power-outage "was I trying to loot?" saga, and JVL finally buying a Peloton after a nightmare that he'd ballooned to 800 pounds.
From the show notes
JVL has an ... interesting ... theory about Greenland . Vic's Lenten sacrifice faces a difficult test. Sonny thinks 300 's Gerard Butler and Sucker Punch 's Glenn Scott are great! All this and so much more on the latest episode of the Sub-Beacon.
Full transcript
Sonny00:00:00Well, the first chunk is about to hit only part of it. It's going in the ocean, but you look at that Hey, where's the explosion? We now are getting word that the fragment has skipped Central, Florida
Guest00:00:22Wait are some more pieces gonna hit? Come on. Let's go put the skies on fire
Sonny00:00:28Two days they got it all wrong. There's a ton of fragments planet killers
JVL00:00:45Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of the sub beacon I'm your host JVL along with Sonny Bunch and Victorino Matus. Just a reminder. The sub beacon is available exclusively on patreon@subbeacon.com We also have a store where you can buy sub beacon merchandise ranging from onesies to headache shirts Just visit tpublic.com and search sub beacon You'll easily find us buy some shirts tell your friends to subscribe and come hang out in the comments with us at sub beacon com Santino How you doing there, buddy?
Sonny00:01:20I'm good. I'm good Children are fascinating to me. I find I find children the thought processes That they go through very interesting the other day for instance I uh, I walked into my bathroom actually, not my bathroom the kids bathroom I walked into the kids bathroom and uh, there was there was blood all over the floor And I was like Oh, that's weird. So I went and and found my uh, my daughter who was with my wife and I was like Is everybody okay? There's there's some some blood on the floor and my wife was like, no. No, it's fine I just I got a little cut on my finger and it's it's okay And I was like, no that I don't think that's what it was. And she was like, wait, let's go look so we looked and and Sure enough blood all over the floor and she's like what this wasn't me and and all of a sudden my daughter just starts crying she's like And I'm like what happened what happened and she she shows me her hand and this is when we realized that she has band-aids on all of her fingers So all of her fingers have band-aids on we're like what happened? What did you do to your hand? What happened to your hand? What's going on? And and we finally get her to like stop crying for a minute and she's like I cut it. I cut it I was like, okay Well, let's all right. Let's take a look at your fingers and figure out what's going on here So we peel off the first band-aid on the on the little finger and there's no cut there There's just some blood and then on the second finger we peel that one off to again. No, no cut Just some blood killing me third the middle finger peeled off again No cut just just just blood just like blood stains and then the pointer finger we take it off again No blood and then finally we get to the thumb and she had a paper cut, you know, not Not like she hadn't like taken a steak knife or anything and you know lopped off a bit of her hand But she had a paper cut and it obviously bled a lot But she she didn't she didn't want to come get us and she didn't know what to do So she just put band-aids on all of her fingers It was hilarious. It was like it was actually like kind of adorable because it was like, okay Well, I can I guess I can see the thought process here. She absolutely wants the blood to go away But uh, but it was it was just very funny It was just like that. I I don't understand really how we got to this point where you have blood But she bled enough that it was like all over the floor. Well, yeah, I mean, I mean it's not like it wasn't like gone girl Was she letting it was you know, she shouldn't she didn't she didn't she didn't have shouldn't open a vein No, no, you know, but but the drops drops. Yeah, it was like it was like some some drops of blood I was like, this is unusual. It's an unusual thing But no, it's just very funny. It's just very funny because it's like, all right, you know I I can understand each stage that brought us to this moment, but you know Having them all having them all occur is uh is uh is is kind of funny That's so anyway that that that that's that's what's going on in my world
JVL00:04:07Children are fascinating g-money walked up to us on Sunday morning sitting on the couch like nine o'clock in the morning and he goes Why did the bear tell the squirrel to clean the toilet? I Don't know why why did he yes, because the toilet was dirty and so he just like goes into his belly laughs I'm laughing Shannon system. How long did it take you to come up with that one, and he looks up at her just Deadly serious he goes. I've been working on that for days
Sonny00:04:40Workshopping it workshop
JVL00:04:42Did you go to Twitter with it first and at first it was a squirrel and a platypus and then it was a well the platypus
Sonny00:04:48Oh, you know you know yeah, keep that one in DMS
Vic00:04:51You don't know he probably he probably made a surprise appearance at catch a rising star and tested it out there and then went over To the Laugh Factory and see what they thought about it that you know until it's perfect as you know
Sonny00:05:03Victorino I got a good one. I've been workshopping, but I don't want to break it out I don't it's there's a visual component to it. I can't I can't I I was working on one. Do you need a watermelon? No, no
Vic00:05:14We're the raincoat wear the raincoat for the fans in the front row
JVL00:05:18Anyway, good Victorino. How are you there big guy? I'm doing fine
Vic00:05:22You know I recently got the the the the flu vaccine, but it was the Chinese one So after the first one 30 minutes later, I was dying for the second one. Oh
Sonny00:05:32I just I just thought of that the other day workshop for days. It's like JPL is thinking. I don't understand it Sorry, please. It's like it's the joke as you you go you eat Chinese and then 30 minutes later. You're hungry again
Vic00:05:46I've never heard that joke, but really really cuz Joe Joe Epstein riffs on that joke because he says you know He always he would tell the joke about the the Chinese restaurant. That's owned by Germans In 30 minutes later, you're hungry for power
JVL00:06:02That's very funny, but I remember the you have to get the 30 minutes Do you remember the Italian restaurant that was owned by Germans? No, the play Vapiano. We used to go
Vic00:06:14No, there was an ass. Yes They did because if you looked at there they had a little bit on their table tray maps It would show like other locations and it was like Munich Vienna's all German. It was all it was all throughout Worst Italian food I've ever had in my life, you know, no, I liked it. I liked it. I liked it It was like you will eat this pizza and you will enjoy it
Sonny00:06:36I was perfectly fine for what it was which was like a pizza that they made in three minutes
Vic00:06:41Brought to your table. I was just this is so weird. You you mentioned a JV. I was just talking about Vapiano today and There was I went over there to place some order and you know how they have the signs that hang over like the different sections and I was giving my order and I just waved my head at Vapiano. Yeah at Vapiano a little be like sour at a Vapiano today
JVL00:07:04No, no, no, I was talking about it today, but I was this is like I was happy on a back in the day We're at the center Yeah
Vic00:07:09But anyway, so I go over there and I was telling this to Kate because she hit her hand on the chandelier that the thing in the dining room the lights and So I said I said I did the same thing at Vapiano years ago where I was telling giving an order and I waved my Hand and the entire sign flew off the hooks and landed on the porch Guys like mise en place setting of all his topics and he was like come on man. Come on, man. Sorry
Sonny00:07:34Can they still order a pizza from you? It was did you did you still order from him or did you he was?
Vic00:07:39And he was him and a manager had to come in and just go. Okay. No, no, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay Get what whatever you you know, like please continue with your order and the good the chef the line cook was just staring at me
JVL00:07:53Can I share something uncomfortable so for people who do not understand this is literally it was I'm trying to imagine a Restaurant that takes a version of the Chipotle assembly line concept applies it to pizzas and pasta dishes Right, and it's a German company So all highly efficient very and it was originally staffed by Germans and then after the first few months They made the switch over to local labor What this means in practice was is Washington DC's a bunch of african-american gentlemen and
Sonny00:08:32periodically the
JVL00:08:34There would be a home office manager there a German manager And I would sometimes be ordering food and watch the way these German managers spoke to their african-american employees and Basically be horrified just get real uncomfortable Get so uncomfortable And I just thought to myself What I wouldn't have given to see some black african-american GIs rolling into the Sudetenland it to it to vape Otto You know like I it may be deeply uncomfortable
Vic00:09:13Well, yeah, I do you remember that I know I don't but I've seen Germans treat Austrians that way too, so I'm a friend. I'm a friend who yeah, like they they would not let you say grew Scott, which is you know An Austrian term of like hello, but it means you know God greets You know greet you know greet God and and they would just stare at you and reply guten tag. Oh, sorry I forgot you know they were certain little things To answer your question. I'm doing fine We're hitting we're hitting the middle of the Lenten season now as you know JVL So I read the middle point already almost killing me. Yes same because at first I was like yeah You know I just played civilization on Tuesday, and then it was Ash Wednesday So I'm not gonna play now, but then Sunday is just a few days later I can play that's fine, and then you go through stretches So then like last weekend yet on a Saturday cake decides. Oh, I haven't played in a while Let me play some civilization do it right in front of you like in the other room But I'm I can see her and she says you know what I'm turn the volume up way high like she's decided She was Alexander the Great and then she decided you know what oh the great library No, no, no, this is it was even worse because she was like I'm gonna do a tactic That you know you do, but I almost never do which is I'm going to go to war against another civilization and I've never really done it before and so
Sonny00:10:35She's not back to the game
Vic00:10:36Wait yeah for me She likes to try to win through peaceful means and that never works out for her or she'll go to war if somebody launches A war against her so she decides that she's going to preemptively strike against some whatever the other civilization is and when she does that Then she's good like you know I felt like an hour passed. I'm like so how are you doing like what's going on without me? Looking I'm just asking she goes. Oh, I still haven't gotten a city yet. I go are you attacking a sea right now? Yeah, so you've been attacking a city for the last hour and haven't been able to take it over Do you surround the city because I like to surround the city and then maybe have other ranged weapons behind no I I was trying to kick two cities at the same time and then might like My head my head was ready explode and then she had some weird question about like well This isn't working because I can't move the how do you use the general and I'm like well if you just and I formed the army I went Oh, that's right, and I went over I I put my hand on them on the mouse And then I immediately just jump back. I go. No, I can't do this. I can't I can't do it You're on your own and I'll be behind me Satan. I said that get thee behind me. That's exactly right So that's the first thing about what the second thing is. Oh, I have some questions for you. Sure
JVL00:11:44Can you not even watch her play?
Vic00:11:49That's a good question
JVL00:11:51Sacrifice right is it you yourself will not you know what you know what it is JVL. It's not would you advise?
Vic00:11:57I could technically advise and watch but it wouldn't be in the spirit if you were gonna not gamble I think it would be weird to sit at a table and watch other people even though I enjoy watching other people gamble as you Know, but I I wouldn't do it. So no, what if you went to it to a tour?
JVL00:12:14You gave up gambling. Yeah, you went to a casino. You gave somebody a hundred bucks. Who's near the table? Yeah, is that though that is that a violation that is a violation It's not any sure it's not have to get father Harrison and father Anthony Sonny Sonny. Did you did you want the Conrad?
Vic00:12:33What do you think? I've got a big I've got a bigger dilemma or situation that they'll be interested in which is this So the main thing is I recently had to go to the supermarket. I was really quick I said I got to pick some stuff up and Then you but it's never just a couple things you'll go. I would need to get this I need to get that the whole thing. So then I'm at the checkout counter. I start checking out my stuff The power goes out the entire supermarket like Darkness everything and they were and then the managers go don't worry. This is a routine thing we had blown a transformer a few days ago and We are just we've been working on we were on Generator power, but now we're switching back. So just give it a second. Give it a second Nothing everything shut down the computers shut down. Okay. Well, okay and all of a sudden was like panic ensues You know and and the managers are having you know, somebody said Is there somebody stuck in the elevator and this one's okay gonna have to call 9-1-1 because we can't get them out And then finally, I'm like everyone is at the checkout the different I'm at self checkout and I go, okay Well, this isn't working. She's like this isn't so she starts to dismantle the machine. Just go That's what I thought. I said, you know what? For the price of the inconveniencing of me It ought to be free. Why don't I just What is it so bad that I just like, you know what? This is not my problem. I have to get Back and I've got like perishables here. I got me should have just thrown some change on the ground
Sonny00:14:05Did you own the run out shibbles yet though
JVL00:14:08Were they still technically most of the songs by the most of this? Okay, so I didn't run my credit card through yet
Vic00:14:15So I was just in the middle of scanning when the arrow went out. Yes mid scan
JVL00:14:21Sunny how close is this to Vic reaching in for the extra ice cream?
Sonny00:14:27You you definitely you you can't just walk out with the stuff you have to pay for this is the problem with a credit card Economy as opposed to a cash economy because in theory if you had cash you you could just leave 20 bucks You could guesstimate you'd be like here's $25. Here's and walk and walk out and feel I think total I think that would be totally reasonable I think that would be a totally a totally legit thing to do with the credit card economy though You have to wait to scan it. Otherwise, it's just stealing you. Okay. All right. Well, hold on now. Let's not get carried away
Vic00:14:56Let's not get it. I mean
Sonny00:14:57It's it's not it's not like it's not like you intended to steal again. No, I did not intend to steal I did not intend to be a convenient. You can't just take the food for being inconvenienced. That's not how I think that's the fee Okay, so I hold on now. I'm sympathetic to this. Thank you
Vic00:15:13But I said, you know what? No, I'm not gonna be that crazy But suppose I just threw a couple things in there like, you know what? I was that close to finishing the checkout It was like two for the two for one or whatever. Well, I forget like the mochi. They sure change Just a short change. Okay, that's a little bit different, right? And so I think you know what so I threw a couple things in the bag and then I thought you know Where's the harm in that now two weird things happen one? I don't know how these machines work But they start like scolding you about where to put your food like the Hawkeye knows the way the Hawkeye knows
JVL00:15:46Where all these things are?
Sonny00:15:48But wait, I don't understand like did the I thought the machines were yeah. Yeah. No, they were like half online
Vic00:15:54They were half online. So like the weird scanner was Not working and she had managed to get it back online the manager did but at the same time it just you know It just wasn't ringing up the rest of my probably the rest of the items And so I was like, don't let me just put some things in the bag here because I'm you know Just see what happens and then the voice from the machine starts saying to place it in the right space and don't put it in The bag so I don't know what was going on there all the item before you put it in the back Yes Ultimately the manager just said okay, sir. Sorry We have this machine working you can use this when you'll just have to ring it up all again
Sonny00:16:31So in the end how much stuff did you have about so many items? $64 worth how many like how many actual items I don't know it's like I seem like one bottle of wine and a pack of gum
Vic00:16:43No, no, no, no, no closer to ten items, you know Something like that, but I just want to say I did the right thing and that's super annoying
JVL00:16:52That that's super did the right thing after the manager instructed you to do the right thing
Sonny00:16:57Trying to be a looter, but he's
Vic00:17:00Watching you were attending to be a looter. She was busy. God was watching Vic. That's right. Thank you Sonny Bunch and and she was then distracted. So I'm like even though she told me to walk out doors right there
Sonny00:17:12But I didn't I did a break for it like in oceans 11 the guy with a bag of money. You just get shot Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly
JVL00:17:21That's right. Okay, so that's my story some would say you are the greatest hero Of them all practically a saint We are all called to be Saints Victorino. That's right. And you After attempting to figure out whether or not you could steal we're told not to steal and you didn't thank you So I like to just barely should get a medal. I think yes. Yes, I should yes Sonny I'm surprised you're not as mr. Property rights that you're so subdued about this because there is nothing I would have thought You would be having cut his left hand off if you don't like a soup
Sonny00:18:02Well, if he had actually stolen the things we'd be in a different. This is not a mochi situation That was a clear-cut theft. That was like that was the worst thing that's ever happened on the show. That is True at all to this horrifying theft of property and that story that place is closed now, by the way
Vic00:18:20But which which place you know the the the police right took the mochi ball from the poke bowl poke
Sonny00:18:27Oh, yeah, your place is gone. Oh, they closed. Oh, I would say two months into the pandemic Probably by May it was gone. Yeah. Well, I mean that that place was always it was it was always kind of sparsely populated That's too bad. You know why they went out of business because people kept stealing They keep stick up stealing from the serve yourself, you know
Vic00:18:48You know if you're gonna make me if you're gonna force me to do the 20% tip That's remember that was the whole reason for this thing. You weren't forced to do anything Put you on the spotlight. That's all this I'll hit 20% and take an extra mochi. It all works
JVL00:19:06They're gonna have to go open up a poke a in a Location where people don't just steal everything that's nailed up. Maybe a place like Greenland Sunny You don't do a big boy review about this movie. Is it Greenland? You clearly did not care for this movie Greenland No, actually, I have a lot of A lot of thoughts
Sonny00:19:30So Greenland stars Gerard Butler aka every every He is now like America Scottish stepdad who's divorcing your mom And he's he's just kind of hanging around I he this is this is the I have third or fourth one of these roles My favorite is Den of Thieves aka stupid heat the the The plot of Greenland is very simple There is a comet that is coming to earth that is going to destroy earth Unbeknownst to all of the people who live on earth And only a handful of people selected by some sort of advisory council for the Department of Homeland Security will survive Gerard Butler plays a dad who has cheated on his wife Morena Baccarin I don't know any of their the character names in this in this movie So you're just gonna have to you're gonna have to deal with actual actual actor names He is moving Back into the house because you know they split up for a bit because again he's a big cheater they They they the the comet comes they decide they they flee to the Air Force Base with their diabetic son When they get there they're separated and the first half of the movie is basically them getting separated and coming back together and The second half of the movie is them trying to get to Greenland by hijacking airplanes or or whatever Look I I Don't think that this is a great movie by any stretch of the imagination I do like everybody who was in this movie. I like Scott Glenn a lot. He plays the dad
Vic00:21:06He plays Marina Baccarin. He's had so much plastic surgery done. It's amazing
Sonny00:21:11He I like I like Marina Baccarin. I think she's very good. I like Gerard Butler again I think Gerard Butler is like kind of a perfect action star But what one issue with this movie is that it is a movie that should have cost a hundred million dollars that probably cost about $30 million the the FX and an FX heavy movie of this sort We're not we're not very good not up to snuff very clearly computer-generated a lot of screen green screens Etc. Etc. But I really I I will be honest with you guys. I found this movie terrifying on a very visceral level like just in in the in the sense of like Here is a thing that you cannot stop end of the world Here here is what you need to do You need to stay with your family and they can't Do it they can't do it for like the first hour of the movie and it just made me very like nervous and itchy I did not I did not enjoy that sensation, but that means it was also pretty effective So, you know kudos kudos to them, I guess. Um, I Don't know the thing I like most about this movie is that it is it for for a big end of the world Disaster epic type thing it had a very tight and narrow focus and a lot of the times you don't get that like Armageddon is Kind of a tight narrow focus on this like, you know crew of drill guys, right? Except it's about saving the whole world and it's kind of hard to it's kind of hard to empathize with that You know, it's hard to put yourself in that position deep impact is kind of the same way except it's more scattered It's about a bunch of different Types of people, you know the day after tomorrow kind of has that tight focus But again, it is it is about saving the world in general. What is the SNI? What is the John Cusack one? That's right 2012 2012 is probably the closest but 2012 is also just a terrible Emmerich picture roll roll in Emmerich Disaster movie and again, I like I don't I don't really care for that this I again I thought that the I thought that the I thought that the very tight focus on the family and what they were going through and their efforts to You know deal with the scum of humanity and also the goodness of humanity
JVL00:23:25They are the scum of humanity. Well
Sonny00:23:27Okay, well, we'll get to it. We'll get to JBL's issue with this this movie in a minute I Thought it was all very effective and I thought I thought I thought the thing the thing worked for me. I don't know
JVL00:23:40That what it is. It is hostile for parents. Yes, it very torture corny It's torture for me, but only for parents, right? It is if you are a mother or a father, this is a movie which is just like hey, I'm gonna take your worst nightmare
Sonny00:23:57We're just gonna poke poke poke it some more. Well again a total get totally effective for me this this all worked again I was like feeling I was feeling very tense in the chest region like for instance, so there's a there's a moment in the film where after Moreno Baccarin and Her her child her son had been separated from Gerard Butler They they like go to a drugstore and they get some insulin that was scary that whole sequence was scary But then they get to the van with with Roy from the office And and Roy from the office and his wife they they start driving them to you know, Knoxville or wherever and they're like, you know what we're actually gonna take your bands that get you onto the airplanes to take you to Greenland and And they just like pull her out of the car and like rip the thing off her and drive away with her kid And again, just like that's terrifying not cool. Like that's not it's by the way. Also, that's awful
Vic00:24:50It's not really not realistic because you know, those bands are impossible to take off
Sonny00:24:55Yeah, you would have had to get like a
Vic00:24:57Knife. Yeah. No, I had one of those on senior week, man. I protected that thing. It was so scary So I don't want to lose that Victorino. What'd you think? It was interesting because if you were expecting Armageddon, it was not Armageddon There was not any sort of amazing action. It was just ID, you know Trying to get to Greenland and a family that's gets separated. So even though it's Gerard Butler It's not action star Gerard Butler per se performing and doing some amazing kick-ass moves On on bad guys. It's just him being you know, like a dad as you mentioned Sonny
Sonny00:25:31This is not like Olympus has fallen. Yes 300 Gerard. That's right. There's also
Vic00:25:38Even with what I think you need in a lot of these kinds of movies is you need at least some respite from the tension And and a few, you know throw in a few moments of levity and I was thinking about this even even Schindler's List There is a moment of it's true. There was a moment of levity Where Oscar Schindler you can look it up on YouTube. He has to hire a secretary and they all it's like the secretaries pool And it's this wonderful funny bit in the middle of this movie where he can't decide because they're all hot and And and and there's music and it's very and it's just perfect and just trust me on it when you go to YouTube I mean look it up. It's great. I don't think I laughed once in this movie Greenland. You know what I mean? I I don't think there was a moment of oh, that's funny I don't think I don't think it was did you I mean it was like ah the entire time was just this this this this Tension and drama and it was yeah, it was exhausting Okay, so that's my one thought How it does on the quadrants. Let's see here. I think I gave them it gets a B Plot is an a-plus. It's very straightforward. We want to live We'll do whatever it takes and we're gonna get to Greenland. So that's a plus. Okay duration. I give it a B+ I feel it was Under two hours, but it could have been a little bit shorter. I think Action violence is at a no one wants to fight with a guy with a hammer. I'll tell you that that could hurt And and sex nudity obviously there was none. So that's what brings it down. This is the other thing that I thought which was the first part is them doing what you're supposed to do the family which is You know you get the call you're gonna be one of these select few you cannot take anybody so no matter What and people start getting crazy with their family and their kids, please take my daughter. You're not supposed to do that. Just drive And it's I mean it reminds me if there were moments that are like War of the Worlds the top the Spielberg War of the Worlds at the same time They only make it the Greenland because of the charity of others who could have easily said nope. We're not taking you. Nope There's no room on this truck or this van or this bus or or this plane which amazingly I didn't know you could take a Cessna from basically Upstate New York or just over the border to Greenland. That's amazing with with like Overloaded and though, you know and those puddle jumpers by the way, as you know are extremely weight sensitive so no matter you know what I mean, I mean every little bit counts and Anyway, they depended on the charity of others and so I don't know that was interesting. I do like Scott Glenn and my sucker punches Scott Glenn and My my only thought was would would any of us would any of us get the phone call from Homeland Security saying? We've been pre-selected
JVL00:28:37You would have I mean, what if they need an editor? How were they gonna get somebody who can do the Oxford comma there was okay?
Vic00:28:43So there was a man to rebuild civilization. I was thinking about based on I know how to build civilization virtually So yes first you need a greenery. Okay. It's like the last starfighter. Oh, yes. Yeah the game The game the video gaming comes in handy, you know, that's the excuse. I will also I'll say there was you know, a lot of it is you know, there are a lot of it is obvious You know in the beginning you see the kid needs his you know insulin, you know That's gonna be an issue and then the other thing is she's doing the running on the on the treadmill for five miles much like myself and She then there's a moment where she's got a run and she goes into running form and I saw and I was watching with my son I said you see That I could have done the five miles too, and then I get to the base and they got great Are you a structural engineer? No, I'm an editor Oh, I can cook. Oh, you can run five miles back now. Can I make a cook? I could I make you a martini need somebody to make good drinks in Greenland. Okay JVL. What about you? It's
JVL00:29:47It's a It's a bad movie But it's not actually a disaster movie It is We'll get there. Oh, I will explain to you what it really is But we're gonna we're gonna take a ticket journey invasion movie. No So here here's why it's a terrible movie Because as you say Sonny, it is deeply effective in pushing all of your parent buttons right and I have to think that to an 18 year old or a 22 year olds and an unmarried this is a very ho-hum thing. I think you you have to be
Sonny00:30:26Married and have a kid to have the child. I would be curious how the childless Approach this movie. Yeah
JVL00:30:34but so it does a bunch of a bunch of things poorly and one of which is what Vic put his finger on exactly which Is that the main characters are terrible people? So from the beginning of the movie until the end We have kind people Sacrificing themselves for these people beginning with the very first shot of Gerard Butler At work when one of his deputies says hey, I'll take over and do this thing for you you go home and you know, you got to go be with your kid and We have the Air Force colonel who bends the rules for them the Hispanic family picks them up The soldier takes the kid away from the kidnappers the doctor who treats the kid Scott Glenn the pilots at the end who agree to fly them everybody they come across is trying to help them out dies and Even when they are going to die
Sonny00:31:25and
JVL00:31:26Everybody who helps them dies, right? And when they have people begging them for help. Oh Nope, just got it. Look we got to keep going. We got to go. We can't what are we gonna do?
Sonny00:31:38They were right though, and even gotta leave that kid there at the end
JVL00:31:43When they are trying to get onto the plane What he does is he parks his truck in front on the runway in front of the plane and says he doesn't say please take me He says if you don't take us we won't move them This truck and so you can't do he is threatening to kill everybody on that plane. He's literally holding them hostage and if not for the scene where they and I'm positive this is Positive that this was a script note exactly because of this There is a a totally unnecessary scene in which he is there is a person trapped in a burning car Oh, and he runs out to rescue them and gets his arm burnt And that is the only time in the entire
Vic00:32:26Movie when they do something selfless wait when he steals the car from the he leaves a note Saying I stole your car and if I survive
Sonny00:32:38That wasn't that was a funny line that was a funny line Vic you said there's no humor in this movie
JVL00:32:43But that note was very funny. Yeah, I so I I really think that this was a script note that somebody said These people are horrible. You've got to have something in here to redeem them and they're like well We'll make him rescue somebody and they say you gotta make him pay a price for it
Vic00:32:57His arm catches fire. Oh, here's here's something else JVL to add to that Which was when he parks is that the truck in front of the plane so it can't leave and the pilot is pleading We're already at overcapacity, you know, it's wait and he was asking how much do you weigh in this whole thing? He lies to them about any level. He's like, oh, yeah, basically lies It weighs as much as me but uh, but then he but then he says well at least Take my wife and kids a wife and kid and the wife says no We're all going You know people so she joined it as well
Sonny00:33:31They're bad Who among I don't think there's room for judgment here
Vic00:33:37This is a very judgy and you're right the army the army officer at the beginning. She says ma'am. I was not selected You know, she's like, come on, you know, can I just sit on this?
JVL00:33:46She goes what if it was your kid and you know, we're family and the the Air Force colonel says yeah I wasn't selected my family and they're all gonna die. We're all gonna be vaporized. We're just here trying to Help save as many of you as possible. I
Sonny00:33:59One thing I actually really liked about this movie is the like kindness and competence both of those things in conjunction of Like every government official like every every we're gonna get to that every person in the military every plot point Every every every like FEMA doctor and that was interesting. Yes, you know or they're trying now
Vic00:34:18Here's I have okay JV. I'm sorry. Go ahead. So there there are other Again, just bad plotting
JVL00:34:26so You need to separate the family right and doing it with the So what they are they the family gets to the airport? They are waved onto the plane with their special bracelets and they realize that the kid has left his insulin in the car And the answer is well this plane which is their only chance to possibly get out of here is Taking off in 15 minutes so he's just gonna leave the Air Force Base and go back to the Car to get it That's insane and it's just a bad plot device by the way come up with come up with a more plausible plot device
Vic00:35:05Well, it was a plausible because he parked in section a which is right up by the gate
JVL00:35:11another thing Just a question is Maureen Ibaka in the milfiest milf whoever milked Because why was their marriage on the rocks? Oh Gerard Butler she was cheating on her and she apologizes Really, what did she what was she what what she was it was really my fault. I made you do this. What was she doing? Gerard Butler is stepping out on Maureen Ibaka again. Just silly. Give us. Oh, no. No, no, that's not how I read it
Vic00:35:40I read it as he wanted to and she was she was cold to him and therefore he went to another He sought out a different outlet shall we say and that's why he cheated on her because she was not into him That's that's that's that was my reading. Yeah, that was a lot of She apologized a lot of subtext. She wasn't no, I'm just you know I'm just thinking about it now and I was like, well, you know, there's a there's my excuse. It's ready
JVL00:36:05It has to be a reason why I did it with the neighbor. Okay. No, I'm just
Vic00:36:13The excuses ready there was there's no reason for it There's no reason for it, but in the event in the event, but no because she apologizes, right?
JVL00:36:20she's used at this school for witchcraft and wizardry for the weekend and You know
Vic00:36:26Happen is all cosplay. Okay I here's my question is this He gets on the giant The transport that's ready to go to Greenland. They are ready to go other planes have already taken off Yes, and then the hatch is already closed and then he forces them that there was no other side door He can get off
JVL00:36:47They have to open all those people died because he demands to be let out was my question did they all die because of him?
Vic00:36:52Would it have taken off in time so that the the fuel would not
JVL00:36:56Have ignited the plane all of those people none of those people make it out And they all died because he demanded to get off. I don't know they were they were in the middle of
Vic00:37:06Fueling I think if that was the same plane and then that the soldier who was fueling the plane gets shot And then that's when the fuel gets dumped onto the the tarmac, but I don't I thought about it though I thought like it looked that looked like yeah that explosion look like it was done on my MacBook Pro It was the same explosion in that Nicolas Cage movie knowing is It called knowing where he was and there was like a plate a terrible and the flames are everywhere
Sonny00:37:31This maybe actually no way of knowing a little bit, but I like knowing much more than this did
JVL00:37:37Did crazy ending did the product placement stick out to you guys? Because there's a there's some watch product placement which we can talk about in a moment, but the The other it was one of the most egregious pieces of product placement. I've ever seen in my life Which is they are in a grocery store Gerard Butler and his kid They are picking out juice boxes and we clearly see both Minute Maid and honest juice boxes next to one another and Gerard Butler reaches for the honest and says Do you want one of these and the kid points to the Minute Maid and says? That one tastes better
Vic00:38:21I didn't think that I didn't think that also very explicit Bud Light reference
Sonny00:38:26Earlier in that scene. Yeah. All right got the wine now. Let's go get some Bud Light
Vic00:38:32Like like it's the Truman Show It was really okay. It's not as bad as it's not as bad
Sonny00:38:38So I we're gonna talk about coming to America next week, right? Yes I've seen coming to America and we should revisit this conversation then because there are just watch for the product placements in Coming to America. There is one at one point where they they literally are like Holds up a Pepsi and is like Pepsi the official drink of McDowell's
JVL00:39:03The The so did you notice the prominent watch displays?
Vic00:39:08I just noticed the first one because on the TV he's he flashes it and it's the black face was that well You could tell me what it is They just thought they all look the same to me. I thought it might have been an Omega but no JVL It is a
JVL00:39:26Christina Which is a garbage watch It is a I think the model he's wearing retails for a hundred and twenty bucks. Oh, it's a digital piece of crap, which is Digital it is a quartz powered piece of crap with a lousy quartz chronograph Basically dummy - if you would like to get something that if you flash it right Really fast somebody might mistake for a rolex daytona But with a dive bezel you go get yourself a festina for which Gerard Butler is a brand ambassador What what in what world do? $120 piece timepieces bother with brand ambassadors and
Sonny00:40:17Gerard Butler
Vic00:40:19What is that? It's the same thing outside. I was offended by so you're saying outside of the movie Gerard Butler does these but again
Sonny00:40:26It is in the movie that makes perfect sense though because Gerard Butler again is America's divorced Scottish dad He's like the he's like a low-rent Action star who is like always playing normal guys. This actually makes perfect sense to me
JVL00:40:40I don't who also kind of looks like he Is sweating out the DTS sweaty throughout the entire in every scene He looks like a drunk who is desperate like who has not been allowed to drink for two days and it was desperate to get He just doesn't look you know they have this running good
Vic00:40:59They have the running theme that was first brought up by the kid which is you know your life flashes before your eyes before you die your life flashes before your your eyes and and Gerard Butler has this moment and it happens like twice and of course the kids so young that you know I mean going through it's only like it doesn't have anything five or six years very quick nothing to really and it's kind of like birthday images for Gerard Butler and him and his wife during happier moments we assume and So for to make him look younger. He's just is shaved. He still looks The same Gerard Butler as in the movie in Greenwood a little bit craggy looking guy He is he is he's better off with the beard. I would say he didn't look any younger
JVL00:41:42So are you guys ready to take a journey with me? Sure, this is not a disaster movie It's an alien invasion movie
Vic00:41:54Hmm are you ready?
JVL00:41:56Uh-huh. Okay It is clear from the information given to us that the United States government has known about the Comet Clark For much longer than they let on we can infer this from the fact that there are cargo planes at the grocery store Which are clearly already evacuating people long before the comet hits from the fact that there is a presidential alert system in place That there are camps already And wristbands which have been distributed from the fact that the entire US military all the way to the grunt level Seems to have been completely briefed prepared and deployed for this mission longer than two weeks But for I mean longer than way longer than two weeks, right? So this in and then the Greenland tunnels Were not left over from the Cold War. They were dug so we should understand that The United States government has been preparing for this for years
Sonny00:43:01Now, why do you say they were dug?
JVL00:43:04We'll get to that So if we assume they have been preparing for years, that means that there has been a massive cover-up because telescope data Almost all goes into the public domain and has to be released so that people can see it That means that the government has been intercepting all the telescopes Scope data which would have shown the appearance of the of the comet and then sending out faked Data instead and this immense conspiracy would involve not only the United States government in the military, but the entire scientific Establishment as well. This is X-Files level shit smoking man level shit It's the real question is why were all these people complicit in this? the answer is Because Clark is an alien weapon Why why did we not see it? Until reasonably late right if it's only been ten years, right? We should have seen as much or probably because it was cloaked Why is it that we cannot track the impact of all of the pieces of it if We were if the Clark were behaving by the normal rules of astrodynamics Then all of the paths of its various particles Would be pretty easily to extrapolate and we would know we'd have a picture of like, you know This piece is gonna go here there at this time. This piece is gonna go there at that time Unless the fragments aren't on fixed trajectories
Sonny00:44:42Because they're maneuvering
JVL00:44:45Because they are engineered by a lark Clark is essentially a gigantic Merv multiple independent reentry vehicle
Vic00:44:56Question because like it just so happened to hit like Western Europe in Tokyo. Is that why why would why would the first?
Sonny00:45:03Why would the first impact be in Central Florida, Tampa? Why wouldn't why wouldn't take out New York? Why wouldn't they gotta take out her Disney or you know?
JVL00:45:14London take out the winners of the Superbowl Another question. Yeah. Well, I'm not done. Don't don't I am not finished with this. All right Why if you have an extinction level impact event, would you go to settle your people? North in Greenland is supposed to going as far south towards the equator as possible Because what killed you is that after the Sun is blotted out it gets real fucking cold
Sonny00:45:45The idea everybody you want to go south you only get as close to the equator as possible
JVL00:45:49There's a reason everybody's trying to get north We get to that in a minute. Okay
?00:45:56*sigh*
JVL00:45:57Clark can only be two things It can only be either a first-strike weapon Meant to destroy a threat, but the earthlings clearly pose no threat to this advanced intelligence So it has to be a terraforming project which means that the aliens have sent Clark to Earth to change it and They're coming next. In the sequel to Greenland? Greenland 2? Greenland 2. Why go to Greenland as opposed to Andar? Because that's where you can hide Because the aliens with all their tentacles Are coming to take Morena Baccarin as their mate and create a master race of human-alien Hybrids, you know, that is what this movie is about. I wasn't sold until the last part
Vic00:46:45Which is yes, it's V with their tentacles. Oh
Sonny00:46:49With their tentacles, with all their tentacles. Uh, interesting theory JBL, but I think it has some holes
Vic00:46:56Well, what holes does it have? You're overthinking the I don't think the writers actually thought this through the way you have I understand your theory. You understand that the director is a former stuntman, right?
JVL00:47:08Do you understand this? Like I was saying He's like, I got an idea, it's a comment and the director, a gentleman named Rick Roman Waugh
Sonny00:47:18Began doing stunts on Teen Wolf 2. Good guy. He made Shotcaller. You know what Shotcaller, so He made Shotcaller which is basically if this is the most terrifying Movie that you could watch as a parent Shotcaller is the most terrifying movie you could watch as like a white upper-class Professional because it's all about a guy who gets a DUI and kills somebody in a car accident and then has to go to like California gladiator academies and like works his way into like the Aryan Brotherhood and has to start like Killing people and eventually winds up in prison forever. It's okay
Vic00:47:56Why does he have to go? I know is this a dystopia because usually they don't go to class. No, no
Sonny00:48:01No, he gets he gets a heart. It's you know, he gets a tough judge gets tough judge goes to prison. Oh
Vic00:48:08Okay, we kill somebody drunk driving at and it's not you go to jail jail, but gladiator school
Sonny00:48:15No, I'm saying like in heat Bunch of philistines
JVL00:48:24I think this is One of the most ins more insidious, so here's what I say. I say this I say the Greenland fails as a disaster movie But it's okay as an alien invasion movie that doesn't spell everything out for you That treats the audience like like grown-ups and feels like it can rely on us to to Pick up on the subtext and understand what's really going on and to the Reina Baccarin as Victorino can with the tentacles Can imagine tonight when he goes to bed about what will really happen in the stinger. Oh So to speak
Sonny00:49:06I'm gonna send this podcast to the screenwriters. Yeah, I don't say wow we haven't thought of that
Vic00:49:11But now that we do now, it's like I know we got a man to
Sonny00:49:15Greenland to all lined up. It's great. That's great. I gotta say Butler would be perfect for
Vic00:49:20They were they were they were in they were in the cage. This is Greenland Is that your job? Butler
JVL00:49:28Can I can I tell you my favorite Scott Glenn moment? Yes, this is that when he is Sending his his daughter and her near-do-well husband and his grandson away That guy is so fucking prepared for life that he even has a booster seat. Yeah, you saw the backseat He literally gets out the Graco booster seat. It's like here you go I know the world is about to end again, but you know make sure you have a booster seat for your seven-year-old
Sonny00:50:01This is 100% a thing that parents would notice. This is just like another another like here's here's a movie that is designed to antagonize and give heartburn to people who are between the ages of like 20 and 50 and have a Kids aged, you know 0 to 20 and and I on that level this movie is very effective It's a very It does what it is trying to do how in addition to also being an alien invasion
Vic00:50:32Because looking at him he look kind of looks like he's about 95 But he's shredded though. Yeah, he is you could see the 95 old But it's like what happens when you're like when you're really buff and then you're old it starts to it hangs weird
Sonny00:50:45You know, I mean he's he's looked that way since like the right stuff I mean he was right stuff. He was like wiry, but also like as like yeah, he was yeah
Vic00:50:56He was zero percent by that's right and like 130 pounds and it was much was Virgil. She was Virgil Gus Grissom And he played and he played he was the villain the the unlikely villain in backdraft if you remember
JVL00:51:11He is one of those actors
Sonny00:51:15Who makes every single production? He's in better even if he's only in it for three minutes
JVL00:51:20No, it doesn't matter how that day you didn't like the Sylvester Stallone Climbing movie. What was that cliffhanger? Oh, yeah, I think he's it Wait, is that the he's in one of the mountain movies and I don't know if it's that one or maybe the No, it might have been the one with Chris O'Donnell. Oh, right and the girl from The Al Pacino devil movie whatever but the points whenever he shows
Sonny00:51:46now Charlize Theron now
JVL00:51:49now I'll look at all effort it later, but He's just everything is his way. He's great in it I'm for it October. Oh, you know, he's just over every and he doesn't do the same thing Every time like it's always he's a real actor. Yeah, so he's a real actor. I Love him makes me happy every time I see him It's alright. Do we have anything else to say about? alien invasion Greenland No, I swear to the week. Are either you guys even drinking? I'm having a dr. Pepper
Vic00:52:20Water, you know, I don't drink during the week. I mean I did yesterday but other than that I don't Go yesterday. Oh
Sonny00:52:29What are we doing yesterday? Oh
Vic00:52:31Hey a colleague of mine had a bar built in his new house. So of course I had to come over and check it out Safety inspection safety inspection. So just a little bit Harrison no Brent Corrections edition shout out I do I have I have a shout out again to our listener friend Sam Huffines down in Texas again some time ago, he kindly had sent me a Brisket from the salt lick and it was in my freezer And then something but not far. Well, let's see here. I think it's outside of Austin, but I finally broke it out and Had it on Sunday And it was fantastic Although I and you based it came with different sauces so you can based on the outside But it requires you to be patient and I have to apologize because toward the end I was not And I said, you know what? We're supposed to have dinner at whatever time it was, you know, my in-laws are visiting I'm like, all right, let's just crank it up to 350 instead of 250 to 25 But you know and that's very anti Texas as you know, Texas bar We could spend all day supposed to spend 12 hours and I've been I've done that 14 I did that in Plano once and just a whole day of drinking and barbecuing did not Do it and so I kind of dried out the inside a little bit and I apologize, but it was still amazing Especially with the great sauce. So thank you again, Sam. How finds I
JVL00:54:05Have a shout out to my favorite podcast the SSE you show I listened to they did a movie draft I think was 1999 was the year they used good year. Maybe it's 1998. It's possible to refresh last year And it was it was the boys - Ryan but plus Adam Novak And Stephen Phillippe and there was this horrifying moment when Stephen started talking about small soldiers and Talked about what a formative movie this was for him when he saw when he was four six six I Saw that movie is a young professional with my good friend Victorino Mattis. We went to a press screening of it
Vic00:54:51I was a Kirsten Dunst to that movie. Yes, and if you had told me
JVL00:54:55At that press screening. Hey, there's a six-year-old kid up in Jersey watching this right now And you guys are gonna be friends someday. I would have thought when I'm old Which means So old
Vic00:55:10JVL so old the same thing happened to be yesterday one of our writers Chatting with him and he kept talking about his old man. He's all now my dad does this but it's Listener Colin Anderson and writer Colin Anderson. And so I finally said How old is your dad? And he goes dude. He's like 52 I guess I'm only four years younger than him. Anyway, it's the most depressing thing
JVL00:55:39Okay, that's all the time we're giving to this episode questions comments complaints compliments tweet us at Sonny Bunch at Victorino Mattis Come out and hang it's a beacon calm in the comments. We're there tell your friends until next time
?00:55:55You
JVL00:56:02What's going on do you any you guys have something is it not I got something big That's what she said JVL I pushed the button today on a brand new Peloton You're gonna be the terrified wife I I am this is this is because I had A nightmare the other day I woke up and I had this dream where Shannon had staged an intervention With a bunch of our friends to tell me that since the pandemic started that I had ballooned up to 800 pounds and I said to her I said I I Don't I said I know I'm fat Like I really think I'm close to like 235 or something and she's like no and one of my other friends There's a doctor was there and he looked at me. He's like you're in denial. You're at 800 pounds. You're you're King Kong Bundy Wait, you're gonna have to get gastric bypass and so I I woke up from that all shook and I've been thinking about it ever since can't get it out of my head And so I am I'm gonna do a little video log of my peloton time I have the vlog about are you gonna vlog it on the are you gonna put it on? A journey of self-discovery. I'm gonna do a thing. We're like
Sonny00:57:19She mentioned my name. I learned the other day that the you cannot upload Video directly to patreon. It's a flaw in the patreon system So if wait for your vlog, we're gonna have to create like a private Vimeo or private YouTube channel Yes, and then yes, we'll have to we'll have to up We'll have to you know, embed it into the the sub beacon you you JVL you are gonna love the Jess King experience
JVL00:57:45I I you know part of the thing that's happening is that we got both Jess King and Emma love well waiting for me but
Sonny00:57:55But we
JVL00:57:55We were we were I I asked I've been asking around a little bit before I did this for people who have the peloton whether or not they liked it and Over over on our slack for the bulwark Hannah said to me It's just come on Don't get a pellet. I just go, you know, go get a road bike and then there's you know Here is she sent me a link to the whatever the thing is that real cyclists train with and what is the Peloton?
Sonny00:58:22It's just like a cult. I said, yeah
JVL00:58:25but I've now reached the point in my life where I need a cult to pull me to motivate me to exercise because I cannot Get it up to just go and exercise on my own anymore
Sonny00:58:33I seem to remember and maybe a listener will correct me if I'm wrong here. It's entirely possible. I'm wrong I'm really wrong, but everyone's wrong, but I seem to remember somebody on this show calling Peloton a scam that will never last as a business proposition and is overvalued because who would possibly pay an incredible amount of money for a bike and Classes that you can get for free just about anywhere. I
JVL00:58:59Don't think that was me
Sonny00:59:05I don't know. I might be wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know maybe I'm wrong
Vic00:59:12Before we go to that I would say you you'll be like Rosamund Pike and I care a lot where she does those so cycles Do you remember that? We didn't even talk about that with the blue lights JVL. You just need blue lights in your room
JVL00:59:22And don't we pay for a Peloton? class taught by Rosamund Pike Mmm
Sonny00:59:30I'm sure it's fun
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